Can’t take it.
I think that was the last straw- I don’t really feel like I can keep this blog up anymore. Just one too many people have admitted that they have found it and have been reading. I really don’t mind if that’s the case but why did you TELL ME THIS?
If you have read my 50+ posts (and I know that’s a silly request) you’d see at least three times I ask people- if you find this blog- DON’T TELL ME. I don’t want to know.
Now I have ***, ***,****,*****, *******, and ******* following and I can’t keep thinking about what I can or shouldn’t say anymore- it’s too complicated and it becomes unreal. I can’t speak freely about anything here anymore. I know what you’re thinking because everyone has said the same thing to me over and over- ‘well if you didn’t want people to find it, you shouldn’t make it public’. Well my bad, I guess I’m a little too easy to find. But I still don’t see the harm in wanting a public place where I can say my peace and get feedback from strangers.
So, I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t leave this up for all you people the browse through. But I don’t feel like stripping it just yet. Maybe this resentment will go away soon enough and I can keep all my hard work.
But I am a little disappointed. After all this work- some of you really should have known better. And now I have to start over again. I shut down the dating blog. Unless anyone has any other ideas to help me feel un-cornered. Oh hell, maybe this is just a bad week...
Ps. If you miss me, you should call me. It’s not fair you get to find out how I am without telling me how you are too. Not fair.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
musings2
What do you do when you know the answer but you still feel or act another way? Is it because you don’t really believe it? Or don’t want to?
You do realize that your favorite sang is full of ‘ohhh oohhhhhhh ooooooohhh baby ooooooaaaahhahh! Yeah yeah yeah.’ Less than inspiring lyrics…
Strange compliment- I gave Howard a good name for a position but another recruiter submitted the same person two days earlier. At least I know I’m looking in the right places…
The sites I visit the most are not in my favorites…
I was forced to avert my eyes last night from PDA and in doing so, I was forced to speak to a guy eating chipotle. It wasn’t the food that was so disconcerting about him though. It was that he treated me like a threat. As though I was sizing him up him for my own dating hunt and it was his job to let me know that he was not on the menu. It’s like I can’t even make males friends anymore without being regarded as a marriage hungry beast.
But the thing that made me throw my hands up in frustration was when I asked him how old he was and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Well THAT’S a rather rude question.”
I told him (tactfully of course,) to man up and own his age, that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and I thought it was discourteous to assume I meant anything outside of curiosity. And the reason I did want to know was because I wanted to get a feel on how old I should be when getting my MBA- like him.
He plainly told me it was similar to asking a woman for her weight. I heartily laughed and soon removed myself from his presence. Thank heaven the PDA couple was gone by then.
You do realize that your favorite sang is full of ‘ohhh oohhhhhhh ooooooohhh baby ooooooaaaahhahh! Yeah yeah yeah.’ Less than inspiring lyrics…
Strange compliment- I gave Howard a good name for a position but another recruiter submitted the same person two days earlier. At least I know I’m looking in the right places…
The sites I visit the most are not in my favorites…
I was forced to avert my eyes last night from PDA and in doing so, I was forced to speak to a guy eating chipotle. It wasn’t the food that was so disconcerting about him though. It was that he treated me like a threat. As though I was sizing him up him for my own dating hunt and it was his job to let me know that he was not on the menu. It’s like I can’t even make males friends anymore without being regarded as a marriage hungry beast.
But the thing that made me throw my hands up in frustration was when I asked him how old he was and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Well THAT’S a rather rude question.”
I told him (tactfully of course,) to man up and own his age, that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and I thought it was discourteous to assume I meant anything outside of curiosity. And the reason I did want to know was because I wanted to get a feel on how old I should be when getting my MBA- like him.
He plainly told me it was similar to asking a woman for her weight. I heartily laughed and soon removed myself from his presence. Thank heaven the PDA couple was gone by then.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Proper places and Bread
This is my attempt to start posting on anything other than the three most common topics- Work, relationships, and hair.
And hopefully we can stay far away from anything like "I'm exhausted again" or "The weather has been so cold" or even "I hate food". I don't know how common that is, but for me I should probably stop mentioning it.
I have run into that issue often as of late. that I'm spending a lot of energy remembering how to talk to each person. Everyone has topics their comfortable with, slang and jargon that they recognize, and levels of comfort with things. some people I never talk to about dating at all because it just gets us into a fight. Some people, that's all they want to talk about. I can't mention my anime obsession to some people, and other I can safely bring up new clips like P**** and S******* without creeping them out.
But with my limited working memory, it's getting harder and hard to draw the line. Suddenly I'll be with someone who is SHOCKED to hear I could ever be that dirty. It's no news to me- I spend a lot of time with myself. I forgot that they are not quite as acquainted with me. and that's fine. I just want to know. Or something.
changing subjects:
You know, when I changed my diet and started buying bread, I saved the heels. This is because *** requested once that we go feed the ducks sometime. So I've been saving them ever since. But we never went, and now we never will. So I have a pile of bags in my fridge now that are all full of the heels of bread I saved. and I'm not a great cook... so I don't know what to do with them exactly. I still want to feed ducks I suppose. Which means I should throw them all out and stop this habit of keeping them around. I need more reminiscing like I need a hole in the head.
...I need a gun to my face like I need another hole in my head. lol
And hopefully we can stay far away from anything like "I'm exhausted again" or "The weather has been so cold" or even "I hate food". I don't know how common that is, but for me I should probably stop mentioning it.
I have run into that issue often as of late. that I'm spending a lot of energy remembering how to talk to each person. Everyone has topics their comfortable with, slang and jargon that they recognize, and levels of comfort with things. some people I never talk to about dating at all because it just gets us into a fight. Some people, that's all they want to talk about. I can't mention my anime obsession to some people, and other I can safely bring up new clips like P**** and S******* without creeping them out.
But with my limited working memory, it's getting harder and hard to draw the line. Suddenly I'll be with someone who is SHOCKED to hear I could ever be that dirty. It's no news to me- I spend a lot of time with myself. I forgot that they are not quite as acquainted with me. and that's fine. I just want to know. Or something.
changing subjects:
You know, when I changed my diet and started buying bread, I saved the heels. This is because *** requested once that we go feed the ducks sometime. So I've been saving them ever since. But we never went, and now we never will. So I have a pile of bags in my fridge now that are all full of the heels of bread I saved. and I'm not a great cook... so I don't know what to do with them exactly. I still want to feed ducks I suppose. Which means I should throw them all out and stop this habit of keeping them around. I need more reminiscing like I need a hole in the head.
...I need a gun to my face like I need another hole in my head. lol
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I saw a couple today
Coming back from lunch today I saw something cute from my car while at a red light.
A boy and girl (highschoolers?) were walking down the sidewalk away from me. I thought, "They're walking so close...shouldn't they be holding hands?" When sure enough, the boy, who was a head taller than her, looked up into her face hopefully, and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't miss a beat in her walking but she brought up her hand to his. He seemed so happy about this that he leaned down and kissed her. I mean, from where I was, I can only guess he kissed her, he kinda smushed his face into hers as they walked, drawing her close with his arm around her shoulder..
After that, he reached down and they held hands. And the light turned green. But before I drove away I saw them swinging their entwined hands like children and even from where I was I could tell- that guy was crazy about that girl. I don't know how she felt about him really- she's playing it cool. But even from behind I swear I could see his goofy grin and hear him thinking how lucky he was to have this hot girl on his arm. It's like he'd been thinking about her for a long time and finally she was his.
Honestly, it was only a few seconds, and I had a lot of other much more important things happen to me today. but that moment, for some reason, really stood out to me. I hope I don't forget it. And I hope that girl knows how lucky she is too.
A boy and girl (highschoolers?) were walking down the sidewalk away from me. I thought, "They're walking so close...shouldn't they be holding hands?" When sure enough, the boy, who was a head taller than her, looked up into her face hopefully, and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't miss a beat in her walking but she brought up her hand to his. He seemed so happy about this that he leaned down and kissed her. I mean, from where I was, I can only guess he kissed her, he kinda smushed his face into hers as they walked, drawing her close with his arm around her shoulder..
After that, he reached down and they held hands. And the light turned green. But before I drove away I saw them swinging their entwined hands like children and even from where I was I could tell- that guy was crazy about that girl. I don't know how she felt about him really- she's playing it cool. But even from behind I swear I could see his goofy grin and hear him thinking how lucky he was to have this hot girl on his arm. It's like he'd been thinking about her for a long time and finally she was his.
Honestly, it was only a few seconds, and I had a lot of other much more important things happen to me today. but that moment, for some reason, really stood out to me. I hope I don't forget it. And I hope that girl knows how lucky she is too.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Post-Thanks.
Remind me never to leave home that late again. Every time I think it will be okay if I just spend ooooone more little tiny hour with them- usually my parents around the breakfast table, and it’s a mistake. Someone please remind me about LA Traffic! I spend to much time away and I forget how scary the grapevine can be at night, and how bumper to bumper traffic can drive you stir crazy worse than spending the same amount of time speeding at 80 mph. Casey, please remember- when you leave late, you don’t just arrive late- IT ADDS ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF. Ug. It just wastes me. I totally missed church. Which is fine. After vacation I don’t want to see anyone anyway.
But Eric came over late night and taught Cynthia and me. That was nice. It was a good incentive to shower, powder, and dress before zonking out around 10.
Things I learned over the weekend-
I know what I must do! I’m just scared.
I know what I have to do- I just reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to.
The test results show ADD, effecting executive motor skills, working (short term) memory loss, and learning disabilities. I overhead them say, “looking at these results, I don’t even know how she made it through college…” Nothing really new here but now I know what to write to the phyc.
I need to gain more weight
Now that I’ve lived this life for so long, the noise of my parent’s home gives me a headache.
Rusty is still being obstinate but not nearly as angry.
Eric (my brother) is not a man In his own home.
And probably other stuff But I should start work soon.
Oh how I loath being cold. I’d like to live in my car and die in 100* F in front of my heater. Something about the cold gets to my bones and
Gonna spend the break time away from AniMaid to look for a new job. Pray for me.
But Eric came over late night and taught Cynthia and me. That was nice. It was a good incentive to shower, powder, and dress before zonking out around 10.
Things I learned over the weekend-
I know what I must do! I’m just scared.
I know what I have to do- I just reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to.
The test results show ADD, effecting executive motor skills, working (short term) memory loss, and learning disabilities. I overhead them say, “looking at these results, I don’t even know how she made it through college…” Nothing really new here but now I know what to write to the phyc.
I need to gain more weight
Now that I’ve lived this life for so long, the noise of my parent’s home gives me a headache.
Rusty is still being obstinate but not nearly as angry.
Eric (my brother) is not a man In his own home.
And probably other stuff But I should start work soon.
Oh how I loath being cold. I’d like to live in my car and die in 100* F in front of my heater. Something about the cold gets to my bones and
Gonna spend the break time away from AniMaid to look for a new job. Pray for me.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
all emo, no substance
What am I 4?
I haven’t felt this misunderstood since I was a teen. Not that I remember being misunderstood. I just assume that I was as a teen. Or at least that I thought I was.
Seriously though. I can’t see or do anything right. Stay or go. Fight or flee. Kindness vs. For your own good. Too much of this not enough of that. I feel dirty and slovenly but so weary at the same time. It’s all natural but it’s not right. We’re friends but not really or more than acquaintances. How long do I let this go on? Can I handle all this or am I not doing enough?
And do I really have the right to be upset? That’s the worst one of all. Do I have any right to be going crazy? People have it much worse than I do. I know because I’ve had it much worse before. More substantial hurt and confusion and desperation. And compared to that, this is nothing.
But I’m still stuck clawing my way out of my own head. It’s like I’m growing, but not in the right direction. My branches feel like they’re twisting out of control and I don’t know how to stop them. How can all of this be a good thing for me? And at what point did I go wrong?
I would be happy if the answer was found in another person. That I could say, If only this would happen. Or so and so would such and such. But I have this suspicion it’s all me. Me and my failures, my misunderstanding, my loss, my mistakes.
I love my family. But I know what’s coming. Dad is going to grind me about all the things I COULD be doing but I’m not. And when he sees that I can’t/won’t because of the person I am- I’ll see the look of disappointment on his face and he’ll give up. And even though at that moment I’ll want to do more- and I always want to do more, I can’t.
It’s like rope is trying my hands into fists. And I can claw at my goals but it’s no use. I don’t like myself. So how can I plague anyone with me? It’s not fair to them. I need help so badly though. Some perspective. Some answers. Some guidance. Some directions. Some hope.
Fail at work
Fail at hobbies
Fail at love
Fail at friendship
Fail at protecting
Fail at basic self preservation
Fail at educating
Fail at improvement
Fail at goals and dreams
And I can’t even cook a DAMN box of macaroni and cheese!!! It makes me want to chuck that stupid pot across the room and rip the stove apart with my bare hands I don’t care how hot it is.
And all the people who turn my good intentions into opportunities for themselves.
Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfialfilafailafialfailfialfilfialifalifalfialfifilfifiaiifaiiilfllifialiflaififilafalifiiflaifififailliaifilafaiflafifail.
Just as a matter of record, I’m going home for thanksgiving alone. Lol fail again.
and that's all the story you're going to get out of me. the more I say, the more foder you have to lecture me about how stupid I am.
I haven’t felt this misunderstood since I was a teen. Not that I remember being misunderstood. I just assume that I was as a teen. Or at least that I thought I was.
Seriously though. I can’t see or do anything right. Stay or go. Fight or flee. Kindness vs. For your own good. Too much of this not enough of that. I feel dirty and slovenly but so weary at the same time. It’s all natural but it’s not right. We’re friends but not really or more than acquaintances. How long do I let this go on? Can I handle all this or am I not doing enough?
And do I really have the right to be upset? That’s the worst one of all. Do I have any right to be going crazy? People have it much worse than I do. I know because I’ve had it much worse before. More substantial hurt and confusion and desperation. And compared to that, this is nothing.
But I’m still stuck clawing my way out of my own head. It’s like I’m growing, but not in the right direction. My branches feel like they’re twisting out of control and I don’t know how to stop them. How can all of this be a good thing for me? And at what point did I go wrong?
I would be happy if the answer was found in another person. That I could say, If only this would happen. Or so and so would such and such. But I have this suspicion it’s all me. Me and my failures, my misunderstanding, my loss, my mistakes.
I love my family. But I know what’s coming. Dad is going to grind me about all the things I COULD be doing but I’m not. And when he sees that I can’t/won’t because of the person I am- I’ll see the look of disappointment on his face and he’ll give up. And even though at that moment I’ll want to do more- and I always want to do more, I can’t.
It’s like rope is trying my hands into fists. And I can claw at my goals but it’s no use. I don’t like myself. So how can I plague anyone with me? It’s not fair to them. I need help so badly though. Some perspective. Some answers. Some guidance. Some directions. Some hope.
Fail at work
Fail at hobbies
Fail at love
Fail at friendship
Fail at protecting
Fail at basic self preservation
Fail at educating
Fail at improvement
Fail at goals and dreams
And I can’t even cook a DAMN box of macaroni and cheese!!! It makes me want to chuck that stupid pot across the room and rip the stove apart with my bare hands I don’t care how hot it is.
And all the people who turn my good intentions into opportunities for themselves.
Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfialfilafailafialfailfialfilfialifalifalfialfifilfifiaiifaiiilfllifialiflaififilafalifiiflaifififailliaifilafaiflafifail.
Just as a matter of record, I’m going home for thanksgiving alone. Lol fail again.
and that's all the story you're going to get out of me. the more I say, the more foder you have to lecture me about how stupid I am.
Monday, November 15, 2010
whatever morning.
Whatever.
That’s my attitude today.
I missed the last minute party last night? Whatever.
I can’t defeat the final boss? Whatever.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Whatever.
I didn’t hang my maid dress? Whatever.
You disagree with me? Whatever.
I don’t have enough bread? Whatever.
Jerk corrects my spelling? Whatever.
So the English language is too weird for you? Whatever.
The maids don’t show up for work? Whatever.
The new MAX/AM2 logo looks like blue sperm and everyone is going to pronounce it AM-squared? Whatever. It’s like, “Morning squared?” Whatever.
I’m wrong again? WHATEVER.
I show up for work too early? Whatever.
Working independently is worthless again? Whatever.
I know you’re trying to help but you can’t say "haul ass" and "Take it easy on yourself" as advice in the same hour! Make up your mind!!!!
My Jillaine isn’t taking a charge right now and it really is breaking my heart.
Let me explain-
What I hate most is not having time. So I postponed my Friday date because kchan said she needed me at PMX. I could kill her. I called her before I left- are you SURE you need me? “YES”
So off I go to fight the nasty Friday rush hour traffic north for an hor crawling towards PMX- and they closed the maidcafe… there I am standing in my perfectly dry cleaned uniform feeling like a total idiot and really pissed at Kchan. >/ I could have been on my date. Or saved myself the night to prep for Saturday’s panel, or at least save the gas it took to get out there. Whatever.
But the next day I don’t have enough gas to get out there. So in the middle of the drive (with aino in the car) I have to make a crazy turn around to pick some up. And on the way, I bump into someone. I give them my information and she seems unhappy about it but nice enough. My car is fine. But I’ll have to call her some time this week and deal with insurance and crap.
Skipping the millions of things that happened at PMX (including 12 maids attending PMX with only 3 showing up for work(other than me and kchan))- John seemed mad at me for some reason. I don’t know why but I let him alone for a while. But aino wanted to shoot with him so we went. Sometime that night he seemed to warm back up. I have no idea why. Whatever.
Sunday - So my Friday-date calls to me- “I saved you a seat!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well…at least it’s empty?” He sits next to some other girl.
But later he sits by me ask asks me to doodle in his book during church. I do but nothing turns out looking right. Whatever. He asks me out for Friday- I’m busy. Saturday. Fine. No wait, Tuesday instead. Because Saturday is too far away. Whatever. He has a class on Tuesday.
Now, I was going to spend tonight (Monday) skipping fhe (it’s another dating forum. Why? Whatever.) relaxing after a long con, cleaning up my maid stuff, working on the café logistics, playing videogames I’ve been neglecting and most importantly, going to get my computer fixed. But this idiot guy asks if he can change the time I go to his house to see a movie to Monday- tonight. I’m in the middle of a meeting when he asks and he’s not going away and saying, “Sorry, I want to be alone that night” in front of my friends seems lame. So I say (literally), “Fine! Whatever. GO AWAY.” He does.
But now I’m stuck going to see him when all I really want to do it get my Jillaine back…
GRRRR.
And I don’t know. I’m kinda happy when I’m with him. He’s very immature (poop jokes?) and doesn’t understand the first thing about anime (he always ends up insulting me) and frankly I’ve never been physically attracted to him. But it’s been a long time since a mormon guy liked me. And also a while since someone seemed to really have their mind set on me- despite my fighting it. And that’s nice. But I’m just not convinced I want to risk our friendship for making out. Is he worth it to add all that drama to my life? And worst of all, do I want to give up all the other avenues I’ve been investigating? If they knew I was dating someone, I’d lose a lot. Including the respect of a few girls who hate the very core of this dude- although I personally can understand, I don’t empathize. I can recognize that he can be a bit moronic. And it’s just not a good idea to start something without being sure right? I mean, shouldn’t I at least have that stupid puppy love? I have to think too much to bring myself to liking him. Or am I just thinking too much? I have no idea but it makes me dizzy. I thought all that mushy stuff was supposed to be easy.
I’ve always had this fear and I’ve said it a million times. Maybe I’m just cold hearted.
What I did NOT need today was Jeremy. >/
All I said was I hadn’t done anything much yet this morning and I was feeling un motivated. I guess I was expecting him to ask what was wrong. Apparently that’s the signal for him to start ‘rallying’ me on with quips about how pitiful I am and I have to be whipped into shape and as part of this goal I’m supposed to REPORT everything I complete in the next hour. Screw that. I logged off. I don’t need that kind of abusive bs this morning. Whatever.
So instead of working on this STUPID new assignment- I’m writing out this. Which is probably a waste of time but looking back I can understand why I’m not feeling too hot right now.
Maybe it was the brownie at 2am that kept my mind going all night…
Whatever.
That’s my attitude today.
I missed the last minute party last night? Whatever.
I can’t defeat the final boss? Whatever.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Whatever.
I didn’t hang my maid dress? Whatever.
You disagree with me? Whatever.
I don’t have enough bread? Whatever.
Jerk corrects my spelling? Whatever.
So the English language is too weird for you? Whatever.
The maids don’t show up for work? Whatever.
The new MAX/AM2 logo looks like blue sperm and everyone is going to pronounce it AM-squared? Whatever. It’s like, “Morning squared?” Whatever.
I’m wrong again? WHATEVER.
I show up for work too early? Whatever.
Working independently is worthless again? Whatever.
I know you’re trying to help but you can’t say "haul ass" and "Take it easy on yourself" as advice in the same hour! Make up your mind!!!!
My Jillaine isn’t taking a charge right now and it really is breaking my heart.
Let me explain-
What I hate most is not having time. So I postponed my Friday date because kchan said she needed me at PMX. I could kill her. I called her before I left- are you SURE you need me? “YES”
So off I go to fight the nasty Friday rush hour traffic north for an hor crawling towards PMX- and they closed the maidcafe… there I am standing in my perfectly dry cleaned uniform feeling like a total idiot and really pissed at Kchan. >/ I could have been on my date. Or saved myself the night to prep for Saturday’s panel, or at least save the gas it took to get out there. Whatever.
But the next day I don’t have enough gas to get out there. So in the middle of the drive (with aino in the car) I have to make a crazy turn around to pick some up. And on the way, I bump into someone. I give them my information and she seems unhappy about it but nice enough. My car is fine. But I’ll have to call her some time this week and deal with insurance and crap.
Skipping the millions of things that happened at PMX (including 12 maids attending PMX with only 3 showing up for work(other than me and kchan))- John seemed mad at me for some reason. I don’t know why but I let him alone for a while. But aino wanted to shoot with him so we went. Sometime that night he seemed to warm back up. I have no idea why. Whatever.
Sunday - So my Friday-date calls to me- “I saved you a seat!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well…at least it’s empty?” He sits next to some other girl.
But later he sits by me ask asks me to doodle in his book during church. I do but nothing turns out looking right. Whatever. He asks me out for Friday- I’m busy. Saturday. Fine. No wait, Tuesday instead. Because Saturday is too far away. Whatever. He has a class on Tuesday.
Now, I was going to spend tonight (Monday) skipping fhe (it’s another dating forum. Why? Whatever.) relaxing after a long con, cleaning up my maid stuff, working on the café logistics, playing videogames I’ve been neglecting and most importantly, going to get my computer fixed. But this idiot guy asks if he can change the time I go to his house to see a movie to Monday- tonight. I’m in the middle of a meeting when he asks and he’s not going away and saying, “Sorry, I want to be alone that night” in front of my friends seems lame. So I say (literally), “Fine! Whatever. GO AWAY.” He does.
But now I’m stuck going to see him when all I really want to do it get my Jillaine back…
GRRRR.
And I don’t know. I’m kinda happy when I’m with him. He’s very immature (poop jokes?) and doesn’t understand the first thing about anime (he always ends up insulting me) and frankly I’ve never been physically attracted to him. But it’s been a long time since a mormon guy liked me. And also a while since someone seemed to really have their mind set on me- despite my fighting it. And that’s nice. But I’m just not convinced I want to risk our friendship for making out. Is he worth it to add all that drama to my life? And worst of all, do I want to give up all the other avenues I’ve been investigating? If they knew I was dating someone, I’d lose a lot. Including the respect of a few girls who hate the very core of this dude- although I personally can understand, I don’t empathize. I can recognize that he can be a bit moronic. And it’s just not a good idea to start something without being sure right? I mean, shouldn’t I at least have that stupid puppy love? I have to think too much to bring myself to liking him. Or am I just thinking too much? I have no idea but it makes me dizzy. I thought all that mushy stuff was supposed to be easy.
I’ve always had this fear and I’ve said it a million times. Maybe I’m just cold hearted.
What I did NOT need today was Jeremy. >/
All I said was I hadn’t done anything much yet this morning and I was feeling un motivated. I guess I was expecting him to ask what was wrong. Apparently that’s the signal for him to start ‘rallying’ me on with quips about how pitiful I am and I have to be whipped into shape and as part of this goal I’m supposed to REPORT everything I complete in the next hour. Screw that. I logged off. I don’t need that kind of abusive bs this morning. Whatever.
So instead of working on this STUPID new assignment- I’m writing out this. Which is probably a waste of time but looking back I can understand why I’m not feeling too hot right now.
Maybe it was the brownie at 2am that kept my mind going all night…
Whatever.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
fathers understand
How is it my Father knows everything? And that every time I talk to him, I feel a little better? Is that just something special fathers have? He satisfies me intellectually. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who could do that quite as thoroughly. Maybe it’s from us knowing each other so well that makes it possible for him to know what to say, or maybe I just trust him more than other people. Like I said before: when he says it’ll be Okay, I know it will be.
Mind you, he didn’t say everything would be okay. In fact, he didn’t offer any of that kind of reassurance. He just reminded me of the plan we set in place. Plus one addition, after the new year, the first thing I’m going to do- is give a 4 week notice. And by the end of the 4 weeks I must find a replacement for myself here, and if I still don’t have a job, I’m still going to leave. I know it’s smart to never leave a job without a new one lined up, but I cannot take this anymore. And how much fear of failure, the economy, and starving to death do I have to combat how much I desire to feel useful and in my beloved field again?
Man, what will I do when he dies? How can I go on living with these kinds of questions in my heart? I felt like I was going to implode this morning- curled up in my work chair. And living so far from the people who most understand me is proving to be increasingly difficult.
Lol- the funny thing is, as much as I feel refreshed on some level when I see them those few precious times I year, It’s also not fun to be going alone. No improvement from the last time I was there. That’s why I’m looking to take someone home with me again this year for thanksgiving. They don’t have to be the token boyfriend, hell, they don’t even have to be a boy. But it would be nice.
Mind you, he didn’t say everything would be okay. In fact, he didn’t offer any of that kind of reassurance. He just reminded me of the plan we set in place. Plus one addition, after the new year, the first thing I’m going to do- is give a 4 week notice. And by the end of the 4 weeks I must find a replacement for myself here, and if I still don’t have a job, I’m still going to leave. I know it’s smart to never leave a job without a new one lined up, but I cannot take this anymore. And how much fear of failure, the economy, and starving to death do I have to combat how much I desire to feel useful and in my beloved field again?
Man, what will I do when he dies? How can I go on living with these kinds of questions in my heart? I felt like I was going to implode this morning- curled up in my work chair. And living so far from the people who most understand me is proving to be increasingly difficult.
Lol- the funny thing is, as much as I feel refreshed on some level when I see them those few precious times I year, It’s also not fun to be going alone. No improvement from the last time I was there. That’s why I’m looking to take someone home with me again this year for thanksgiving. They don’t have to be the token boyfriend, hell, they don’t even have to be a boy. But it would be nice.
Conf. call and texts
I’d like to cry but I should wait until Howard leaves for his meeting. Then I’ll have time to fix my makeup before he comes back.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
wongfu no more
So I’m despondent and sad. But more frustrated than anything. Just in a low-key sort of way. Thoughts about this job and *** keep surfacing and depress me.
I don’t know wiether I just feel lonely or horny or depressed or if this is a natural cycle of the year going by, or maybe how much I hate thanksgiving, or the call I got from my bio mother that makes me feel this way. But this wasn’t really a day different from any other. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. If I had someone I’d do what Kchan did and go over to his place and climb in bed with him to sleep. I’m sure he’d put his arms around me. I guess that’s a lot to ask.
I snapped at Howard again just as he was leaving. I started off my day reading another email from him telling me that once again, my efforts were worthless. And another day of my life has been sucked into the black hole of this job. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I think Howard is keeping my commissions from me. Or he thinks I have not earned them. I asked directly, “Are we getting paid for these?” He just kinda laughed and kept his head down. I didn’t pursue. Howard is a big man and he could crush me. I don’t want to anger him.
But today as he was leaving he asked that stupid question again, “so what are you working on?” basically letting me know he doesn’t care because my work doesn’t matter, but he’s going to be upset with me no matter what I say.
I respond, “well I need to talk to you tomorrow, I couldn’t find these competing companies- ”
“Casey! ARG, You have to tell me these things during the day where I can help you-”
I snapped and looked up at him kinda growling, “I JUST found this out and I’m sending you the work I did find this afternoon right now! If I have a problem, I’ll ask.” He backed off. But maybe he’s starting to figure out it’s not my exaughstion that’s making me look so dejected at work. If he asks I guess I’ll just have to tell him the truth- This job makes me feel worthless. Not because I don’t have enough to do, it’s that what I do doesn’t mean anything. And frankly I’m not making enough here to make it worth giving up my soul for much longer. If I can just hang on until the end of the year…
I know my house is a mess. But all I want to do is sleep right now. I should eat dinner but it would really only be prolonging my going to bed. I’m not hungry and nothing I could eat right now would be healthy. But sleep is the only escape. The problem then is that the faster I go to sleep, the sooner tomorrow is.
My computer is having problems. And it struck me yesterday I don’t know what I would do without my beloved computer. It’s hard enough not having internet but missing my poor jillaine would just be pure torture. I know I must be addicted but I don’t know what to do to help her. and frankly, between these stupid student loans and paying off my debts from previous tenants mistakes, I really can’t afford a new mac. But it kills me to think I might lose her.
Which adds to this pressure I feel at work. I don’t like being a failure and a bother.
Another thing about my job I hate, I would give almost anything to see WongFu at USC tomorrow… but there is no way I’d be able to get there. Even if I left early I don’t know the campus well enough to find the place. And in the end, I’d be alone… fangirling by myself as usual. I guess I just don’t feel like being failure at that as well.
Well an animaid meeting might be tomorrow and I’m supposed to get sushi with an old girlfriend whose PERFECT little life always makes my eyes roll out of my head. I don’t know if I could really handle her right now. I guess I should tell her I can’t.
But I also need to go into westwood. But going near all those happy social college kids isn’t helping either. Sometimes I really long to go back and be 19- but maybe in this body rather than the one I had. Youth is wasted on the young.
I don’t know wiether I just feel lonely or horny or depressed or if this is a natural cycle of the year going by, or maybe how much I hate thanksgiving, or the call I got from my bio mother that makes me feel this way. But this wasn’t really a day different from any other. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. If I had someone I’d do what Kchan did and go over to his place and climb in bed with him to sleep. I’m sure he’d put his arms around me. I guess that’s a lot to ask.
I snapped at Howard again just as he was leaving. I started off my day reading another email from him telling me that once again, my efforts were worthless. And another day of my life has been sucked into the black hole of this job. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I think Howard is keeping my commissions from me. Or he thinks I have not earned them. I asked directly, “Are we getting paid for these?” He just kinda laughed and kept his head down. I didn’t pursue. Howard is a big man and he could crush me. I don’t want to anger him.
But today as he was leaving he asked that stupid question again, “so what are you working on?” basically letting me know he doesn’t care because my work doesn’t matter, but he’s going to be upset with me no matter what I say.
I respond, “well I need to talk to you tomorrow, I couldn’t find these competing companies- ”
“Casey! ARG, You have to tell me these things during the day where I can help you-”
I snapped and looked up at him kinda growling, “I JUST found this out and I’m sending you the work I did find this afternoon right now! If I have a problem, I’ll ask.” He backed off. But maybe he’s starting to figure out it’s not my exaughstion that’s making me look so dejected at work. If he asks I guess I’ll just have to tell him the truth- This job makes me feel worthless. Not because I don’t have enough to do, it’s that what I do doesn’t mean anything. And frankly I’m not making enough here to make it worth giving up my soul for much longer. If I can just hang on until the end of the year…
I know my house is a mess. But all I want to do is sleep right now. I should eat dinner but it would really only be prolonging my going to bed. I’m not hungry and nothing I could eat right now would be healthy. But sleep is the only escape. The problem then is that the faster I go to sleep, the sooner tomorrow is.
My computer is having problems. And it struck me yesterday I don’t know what I would do without my beloved computer. It’s hard enough not having internet but missing my poor jillaine would just be pure torture. I know I must be addicted but I don’t know what to do to help her. and frankly, between these stupid student loans and paying off my debts from previous tenants mistakes, I really can’t afford a new mac. But it kills me to think I might lose her.
Which adds to this pressure I feel at work. I don’t like being a failure and a bother.
Another thing about my job I hate, I would give almost anything to see WongFu at USC tomorrow… but there is no way I’d be able to get there. Even if I left early I don’t know the campus well enough to find the place. And in the end, I’d be alone… fangirling by myself as usual. I guess I just don’t feel like being failure at that as well.
Well an animaid meeting might be tomorrow and I’m supposed to get sushi with an old girlfriend whose PERFECT little life always makes my eyes roll out of my head. I don’t know if I could really handle her right now. I guess I should tell her I can’t.
But I also need to go into westwood. But going near all those happy social college kids isn’t helping either. Sometimes I really long to go back and be 19- but maybe in this body rather than the one I had. Youth is wasted on the young.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
tired rant
I’m feeling frustrated.
I haven’t gotten enough sleep these last few days. Not for long, and not very deeply. It’s partly my fault for not going to bed in time of course. And I even had a real meal Sunday night but went to bed around 2:30. the next morning I didn’t have breakfast and I skipped dinner last night so I could hang out with new friends. Oh and I missed breakfast again this morning.
So maybe it’s just exhaustion and not just stress that’s made me this way. But I think if I wasn’t so tired I’d still be thinking about these new problems. I tend to just freak out about unfinished projects. I don’t know why. I feel light headed and feel the need to hyperventilate. Luckily, I’m too tired to do that. So it’s like some kind of faux peace.
Work is so stagnant. I’ll waste days on a project. How is it I’m not collecting on these supposed placements? I tried to ask Howard but he just laughed and brushed me off. I couldn’t have been more direct. He just chose not to answer. Does he assume I know what he’s thinking? I’m feeling so trapped here and everyone around me is growing and moving and these walls are closing on me. How can I keep doing this for much longer? I just can’t but there doesn’t seem to be a way out.
How can I pull out that microphone now? I don’t know what I’m doing. Just looking at it puts a knot in my stomach. So I put it back in the cardboard box.
This is what happens when I’m left alone I guess. But at the same time as feeling like I’m doing nothing, I’m also doing everything in the world. Every single night this week I have some place to be, someone to see. But although I know I have something on Wednesday, I can’t remember what it is and it’s driving me crazy.
Rusty won’t call me back. Dad said they haven’t talked in weeks. And even Heather is leaving him messages on Facebook to try to get him to respond. nothing. It scares me. Not even that he might be dead, I know he’s not. And although it does worry me that he might be flunking out of college (again) because he set his stupid goals too high , but what really worries me is that he’s going to drop out of our family. He’s so bitter and angry about Mom and irate when we try to help him and fuming when he tries to do it on his own and fails. He won’t talk to anyone. And I know I was not the sweetest sister growing up. I tried to control him and help him see truth. We fought a lot as kids. But that’s also because we spent a huge portion of our growing up years spending every waking moment with each other- by force, because of the divorce.
He needs counseling and I don’t know why God sends him these problems. Why won’t God help him with his organization problems? Or getting a good supportive girlfriend? Or getting a car (because he totaled his own by almost falling asleep)? Why was he sent to Utah for his mission when all he wants to do is travel? My father is doing his best to help him and Rusty keeps kicking against him like a whiney 4 year old. He’s so angry. He won’t come home for thanksgiving. And I wonder about Christmas.
Man I am so tired today.
People in the café are asking me questions- looking to me for answers and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. There are times I feel really under qualified to be taking all this on. Other times I revel in the opportunity to be working (really working hard!) on something I love at last. I’d give anything to hold on to that feeling.
I really shouldn’t talk to my parents about the café anymore though. Every time I do they always ask the same question, “Well, are they paying you yet? You mean you’re not making ANYthing on this? Be sure to get that in writing honey.”
I just want to scream at them. You don’t think I know where I am? You don’t think I feel the pressures on my time and life that the café brings? My social life, my house, and sometimes even my physical health. I know it’s not a cake walk better than they do, so I wish they’d stop chastising me. I’m trying to make it into something really worthwhile. One of those awesome success stories. The way I got into animaid was so random that it has to be a good story doesn’t it? Right?
Da*n mornings. You know I’ve had a goal to get to work on time because I’ve been slacking. So my friend and I started this thing- we call their cell phone from the office phone as soon as we get in to prove we got there on time. and if one of us is late, the punishment is we can’t talk to each other until after noon. But thanks to this new system, I’ve been running out the door like crazy and she STILL don’t get there on time. So who cares? If they can’t put in the same effort I am, then why am I calling to wake them up in the morning to make sure (Upon their request?!)
This new breakfast system isn’t working. I have to prepare the stuff the night before and I get so tired or distracted that it doesn’t get done and I go hungry the next morning. I hate health. I hate mornings. I hate my clothes. I hate my hair and this stupid job and my long nails and my little brother and my sister in law and food and time and cold weather. And if I stayed at home to ball up under my covers I’d hate myself for being a slacker. I guess I’m not a fan of me either.
I’M SO TIRED.
But one thing- even though I don’t know the first thing about baseball- I’m really happy the giants won...
I haven’t gotten enough sleep these last few days. Not for long, and not very deeply. It’s partly my fault for not going to bed in time of course. And I even had a real meal Sunday night but went to bed around 2:30. the next morning I didn’t have breakfast and I skipped dinner last night so I could hang out with new friends. Oh and I missed breakfast again this morning.
So maybe it’s just exhaustion and not just stress that’s made me this way. But I think if I wasn’t so tired I’d still be thinking about these new problems. I tend to just freak out about unfinished projects. I don’t know why. I feel light headed and feel the need to hyperventilate. Luckily, I’m too tired to do that. So it’s like some kind of faux peace.
Work is so stagnant. I’ll waste days on a project. How is it I’m not collecting on these supposed placements? I tried to ask Howard but he just laughed and brushed me off. I couldn’t have been more direct. He just chose not to answer. Does he assume I know what he’s thinking? I’m feeling so trapped here and everyone around me is growing and moving and these walls are closing on me. How can I keep doing this for much longer? I just can’t but there doesn’t seem to be a way out.
How can I pull out that microphone now? I don’t know what I’m doing. Just looking at it puts a knot in my stomach. So I put it back in the cardboard box.
This is what happens when I’m left alone I guess. But at the same time as feeling like I’m doing nothing, I’m also doing everything in the world. Every single night this week I have some place to be, someone to see. But although I know I have something on Wednesday, I can’t remember what it is and it’s driving me crazy.
Rusty won’t call me back. Dad said they haven’t talked in weeks. And even Heather is leaving him messages on Facebook to try to get him to respond. nothing. It scares me. Not even that he might be dead, I know he’s not. And although it does worry me that he might be flunking out of college (again) because he set his stupid goals too high , but what really worries me is that he’s going to drop out of our family. He’s so bitter and angry about Mom and irate when we try to help him and fuming when he tries to do it on his own and fails. He won’t talk to anyone. And I know I was not the sweetest sister growing up. I tried to control him and help him see truth. We fought a lot as kids. But that’s also because we spent a huge portion of our growing up years spending every waking moment with each other- by force, because of the divorce.
He needs counseling and I don’t know why God sends him these problems. Why won’t God help him with his organization problems? Or getting a good supportive girlfriend? Or getting a car (because he totaled his own by almost falling asleep)? Why was he sent to Utah for his mission when all he wants to do is travel? My father is doing his best to help him and Rusty keeps kicking against him like a whiney 4 year old. He’s so angry. He won’t come home for thanksgiving. And I wonder about Christmas.
Man I am so tired today.
People in the café are asking me questions- looking to me for answers and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. There are times I feel really under qualified to be taking all this on. Other times I revel in the opportunity to be working (really working hard!) on something I love at last. I’d give anything to hold on to that feeling.
I really shouldn’t talk to my parents about the café anymore though. Every time I do they always ask the same question, “Well, are they paying you yet? You mean you’re not making ANYthing on this? Be sure to get that in writing honey.”
I just want to scream at them. You don’t think I know where I am? You don’t think I feel the pressures on my time and life that the café brings? My social life, my house, and sometimes even my physical health. I know it’s not a cake walk better than they do, so I wish they’d stop chastising me. I’m trying to make it into something really worthwhile. One of those awesome success stories. The way I got into animaid was so random that it has to be a good story doesn’t it? Right?
Da*n mornings. You know I’ve had a goal to get to work on time because I’ve been slacking. So my friend and I started this thing- we call their cell phone from the office phone as soon as we get in to prove we got there on time. and if one of us is late, the punishment is we can’t talk to each other until after noon. But thanks to this new system, I’ve been running out the door like crazy and she STILL don’t get there on time. So who cares? If they can’t put in the same effort I am, then why am I calling to wake them up in the morning to make sure (Upon their request?!)
This new breakfast system isn’t working. I have to prepare the stuff the night before and I get so tired or distracted that it doesn’t get done and I go hungry the next morning. I hate health. I hate mornings. I hate my clothes. I hate my hair and this stupid job and my long nails and my little brother and my sister in law and food and time and cold weather. And if I stayed at home to ball up under my covers I’d hate myself for being a slacker. I guess I’m not a fan of me either.
I’M SO TIRED.
But one thing- even though I don’t know the first thing about baseball- I’m really happy the giants won...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Just be Friends
Date report:
This was #3 with this person. He’s nice, creative, and sweet. Smart and we have a lot of the same interests. But I have to say I felt no spark beyond being very good friends. He was comforting and comfortable. Classy and manly, a complete gentleman with door openings and always letting me walk in front. Never inappropriate or too touchy. We did end up kinda leaning on (holding?) each other after our second date.
But he never called, texted, or chatted me between our dates- and it’s been 3 weeks since the last time I heard from him. I assume he was just taking me out out of convenience. And he just liked to go out. Or, I guess I hoped so. I’m really awful at being to tell when someone likes me- or the level that they do. That’s why I love directness. Saves me the trouble of guessing and feeling like an idiot.
We had a nice long conversation in a nice restaurant (that he was clearly not used to) until they closed and kicked us out. He told me he was a cancer survivor, confessed some secrets to me, and we got into some deep topics. And he even got me to confess things I thought I would NEVER say to a stranger. Even confessing what happened about a month ago. I was so uncomfortable at one point I almost cried. Lol. I didn’t, but that’s not new.
In retrospect, the only clues I could get that perhaps he was really into me for myself, was when we were in the middle of some conversations, I’d look away for a moment and when he’d stop talking I’d look back at him and he’d be staring at me. And after a few seconds he’d shake his head and ask me what we were just talking about. That’s partly my fault though- I was asking a lot of questions. Partly because he said I talked a lot… but then, consider what we talked about, I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a nice deep introspective conversation. He could just not be used to it.
He also said, that although he blocked my status updates on fb (they are too frequent), he had been checking almost everyday. When I took off my glasses he kinda looked at me funny. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without glasses other than your facebook pictures.” It’s not really a compliment, and I couldn’t see his face clearly when he said it (obviously) but I think it was a good thing. I think.
Then when he dropped me off (this was so cute) he hugged me and before he let me go, he brushed my bangs aside very gently with his fingers and asked (as always) if he could see me again some time. “So, I’ll see you… some time.. again? Right?” the ‘please’ was almost audible. It was adorable. That little revealed desperation couldn’t have been my imagination, could it?
I looked away and thought for a bit. This was date 3. I knew that how I felt wouldn’t change. It took guts but… I told him I hoped so, but I didn’t think as more than friends. But I’d like to see him again in the future, if he was okay with that. At this point I looked up into his face which was pretty close to mine. It might have been my imagination but… I could see his face and body flickered with pain. Even in the dark, he looked hurt... but he hid it best he could. Being very still.
He said he’d have to think about it. Think about it. After the nice times we’d had together, had I really hurt him enough so that he would have to consider being friends with me? Good moses, what could have been going on?!
Still, I nodded. I understood that sometimes it just won’t work. He really didn’t return my little hug goodbye. *sting*
As I was walking awkwardly away from his car, I was even stupid enough to say “See you later!...oh or…whatever…” He didn’t respond. Just watched me go inside.
It's an old expression but I feel like a heel.
I think he had really high hopes- higher than I anticipated. I always think people feel the same way I do when I don’t like someone. I mean, don’t they understand too that this won’t work? Outside of work, the only social conversations he has are about 5 minutes long with the girls he swing dances with once a week. He is secluded in his little apartment with never ending regulation and tempered peace and art on his walls.
I wish I could be a person to help him. But...
I’d like to be his friend. I just can’t do more than that.
Anyway, I'll have to trust his judgment. We are not in the same social circles so I’ll likely never seen or hear from him again.
But that really sucks.
I hate this…
This was #3 with this person. He’s nice, creative, and sweet. Smart and we have a lot of the same interests. But I have to say I felt no spark beyond being very good friends. He was comforting and comfortable. Classy and manly, a complete gentleman with door openings and always letting me walk in front. Never inappropriate or too touchy. We did end up kinda leaning on (holding?) each other after our second date.
But he never called, texted, or chatted me between our dates- and it’s been 3 weeks since the last time I heard from him. I assume he was just taking me out out of convenience. And he just liked to go out. Or, I guess I hoped so. I’m really awful at being to tell when someone likes me- or the level that they do. That’s why I love directness. Saves me the trouble of guessing and feeling like an idiot.
We had a nice long conversation in a nice restaurant (that he was clearly not used to) until they closed and kicked us out. He told me he was a cancer survivor, confessed some secrets to me, and we got into some deep topics. And he even got me to confess things I thought I would NEVER say to a stranger. Even confessing what happened about a month ago. I was so uncomfortable at one point I almost cried. Lol. I didn’t, but that’s not new.
In retrospect, the only clues I could get that perhaps he was really into me for myself, was when we were in the middle of some conversations, I’d look away for a moment and when he’d stop talking I’d look back at him and he’d be staring at me. And after a few seconds he’d shake his head and ask me what we were just talking about. That’s partly my fault though- I was asking a lot of questions. Partly because he said I talked a lot… but then, consider what we talked about, I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a nice deep introspective conversation. He could just not be used to it.
He also said, that although he blocked my status updates on fb (they are too frequent), he had been checking almost everyday. When I took off my glasses he kinda looked at me funny. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without glasses other than your facebook pictures.” It’s not really a compliment, and I couldn’t see his face clearly when he said it (obviously) but I think it was a good thing. I think.
Then when he dropped me off (this was so cute) he hugged me and before he let me go, he brushed my bangs aside very gently with his fingers and asked (as always) if he could see me again some time. “So, I’ll see you… some time.. again? Right?” the ‘please’ was almost audible. It was adorable. That little revealed desperation couldn’t have been my imagination, could it?
I looked away and thought for a bit. This was date 3. I knew that how I felt wouldn’t change. It took guts but… I told him I hoped so, but I didn’t think as more than friends. But I’d like to see him again in the future, if he was okay with that. At this point I looked up into his face which was pretty close to mine. It might have been my imagination but… I could see his face and body flickered with pain. Even in the dark, he looked hurt... but he hid it best he could. Being very still.
He said he’d have to think about it. Think about it. After the nice times we’d had together, had I really hurt him enough so that he would have to consider being friends with me? Good moses, what could have been going on?!
Still, I nodded. I understood that sometimes it just won’t work. He really didn’t return my little hug goodbye. *sting*
As I was walking awkwardly away from his car, I was even stupid enough to say “See you later!...oh or…whatever…” He didn’t respond. Just watched me go inside.
It's an old expression but I feel like a heel.
I think he had really high hopes- higher than I anticipated. I always think people feel the same way I do when I don’t like someone. I mean, don’t they understand too that this won’t work? Outside of work, the only social conversations he has are about 5 minutes long with the girls he swing dances with once a week. He is secluded in his little apartment with never ending regulation and tempered peace and art on his walls.
I wish I could be a person to help him. But...
I’d like to be his friend. I just can’t do more than that.
Anyway, I'll have to trust his judgment. We are not in the same social circles so I’ll likely never seen or hear from him again.
But that really sucks.
I hate this…
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I like, don’t, fear
Things I like, don’t like, and fears.
I like surprises but I hate being out of control. Which may seem contradictory. But it’s difficult to surprise me, and when someone finally does I never know quite how to react. I know that I supposed to pick an emotion at that time- fear, anger, joy, gratefulness- but mostly what I do it stare. And wait for the emotion to come to me. Then I realized that the person trying to surprise me is waiting for my reaction- I try to pick one but it ends up being a mess. Again, I LIKE surprises. I just go for flustered before anything else. Blushing, stammering, and attempting to express myself. I think I confuse people. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do. And if I can’t figure out a way to positively express myself- people will stop trying to surprise me. And I love surprises.
I don’t mind really cold or warm weather. What I dislike is not being able to predict it – or worse, having it come in the wrong season. I am a much more at ease with the world when it’s sunny in the summer, and rightly rainy in the winter. I like rain, ok- I LOVE rain, even snow. But it irks me in the worst way when it comes in the middle of summer. And those people who rejoice in it make me want to smack them. I have no idea why. Things just should be the way they should be. Also, I have a pet peeve about people who complain about warm weather when they live in warm states. People in AZ have no right to complain if they have the ability to leave. Observably, they don’t know what it’s like to have your literal life stop in its tracks because of something falling from the sky.
When I was in school, I used to be afraid of rapists. But traffic in Idaho was minimal. Despite the fact that the entire county had had maybe 5 murder cases in the last 6 years (and knowing Idaho, it was probably some disgruntled wife who locked her husband out in March- freezing him to death by accident), my solution to having to walk next to dark gaps between buildings where the predators might lurk, I decided it would be best to walk in the middle of the street- on the side of the road that had on-coming cars, so I wouldn’t be hit from behind. This way, if someone sprang out from the corners, I could see them and get a head start on running away. Although, knowing me- I either wouldn’t run fast enough anyway, or I’d start to blush, stammer, and attempt to express myself.
I sleep curled up in a ball. Probably to keep warm, but when I sleep with someone else, I like to wrap all my limbs around them- legs, arms, face smushed in their neck. Then I don’t mind sleeping stretched out- I’m warm enough when I’m with someone. Also when I sleep with someone else, I don’t move. I’d die before I’d want to disturb them. I like to keep those moments forever.
I had a problem growing up, I could never see myself older than 16. So on the eve of my 16th birthday I cried myself to sleep. I was positive someone would either break through the window that night and kill me. Or someone was under my mattress waiting to stab me through it. at the time I also had a canopy bed, I thought, in the darkness, there must be a ninja up there waiting for me to pass out before dropping down on me. This happened often. For some reason both my bio brothers have a fear of death like me. It’s happened many times before when I was living at home, I’d come to dad in the night because of similar fears. I still get minor attacks once a year. Only now I live alone so I have to cry myself to sleep and thank God I lasted the night.
I like surprises but I hate being out of control. Which may seem contradictory. But it’s difficult to surprise me, and when someone finally does I never know quite how to react. I know that I supposed to pick an emotion at that time- fear, anger, joy, gratefulness- but mostly what I do it stare. And wait for the emotion to come to me. Then I realized that the person trying to surprise me is waiting for my reaction- I try to pick one but it ends up being a mess. Again, I LIKE surprises. I just go for flustered before anything else. Blushing, stammering, and attempting to express myself. I think I confuse people. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do. And if I can’t figure out a way to positively express myself- people will stop trying to surprise me. And I love surprises.
I don’t mind really cold or warm weather. What I dislike is not being able to predict it – or worse, having it come in the wrong season. I am a much more at ease with the world when it’s sunny in the summer, and rightly rainy in the winter. I like rain, ok- I LOVE rain, even snow. But it irks me in the worst way when it comes in the middle of summer. And those people who rejoice in it make me want to smack them. I have no idea why. Things just should be the way they should be. Also, I have a pet peeve about people who complain about warm weather when they live in warm states. People in AZ have no right to complain if they have the ability to leave. Observably, they don’t know what it’s like to have your literal life stop in its tracks because of something falling from the sky.
When I was in school, I used to be afraid of rapists. But traffic in Idaho was minimal. Despite the fact that the entire county had had maybe 5 murder cases in the last 6 years (and knowing Idaho, it was probably some disgruntled wife who locked her husband out in March- freezing him to death by accident), my solution to having to walk next to dark gaps between buildings where the predators might lurk, I decided it would be best to walk in the middle of the street- on the side of the road that had on-coming cars, so I wouldn’t be hit from behind. This way, if someone sprang out from the corners, I could see them and get a head start on running away. Although, knowing me- I either wouldn’t run fast enough anyway, or I’d start to blush, stammer, and attempt to express myself.
I sleep curled up in a ball. Probably to keep warm, but when I sleep with someone else, I like to wrap all my limbs around them- legs, arms, face smushed in their neck. Then I don’t mind sleeping stretched out- I’m warm enough when I’m with someone. Also when I sleep with someone else, I don’t move. I’d die before I’d want to disturb them. I like to keep those moments forever.
I had a problem growing up, I could never see myself older than 16. So on the eve of my 16th birthday I cried myself to sleep. I was positive someone would either break through the window that night and kill me. Or someone was under my mattress waiting to stab me through it. at the time I also had a canopy bed, I thought, in the darkness, there must be a ninja up there waiting for me to pass out before dropping down on me. This happened often. For some reason both my bio brothers have a fear of death like me. It’s happened many times before when I was living at home, I’d come to dad in the night because of similar fears. I still get minor attacks once a year. Only now I live alone so I have to cry myself to sleep and thank God I lasted the night.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Venus Di Milo
Snip snip snip cut me out of your life one bit at a time.
I spent the majority of the weekend alone. For the last month I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible so my brain didn’t think about…uh, stuff. And make me depressed and lonely- too busy for that silly girly stuff. But this weekend I had nothing. Or rather, I was invited to several parties but I opted not to go. On Friday a friend came over and we talked and ate brownies until I fell asleep on the couch. But Saturday I spent at home, sewing, cleaning, whatever. It was pleasant. Watching movies, my mind didn’t wander too far into any danger zones. For dinner I went out and picked up an order of Chinese food which was REALLY good. Maybe because I was starving. But anyway, I brought it home and ate it pleasantly on my bed as I went back to sewing.
Sunday was pretty productive too. Again, I was supposed to go to a potluck but I opted out in favor of staying secluded for a while longer. But you know how when your home alone and you know no one is going to see you so you suddenly don’t care about your appearance so long as your comfortable? For some people that means sweats or running around nude. Well, for me- that means layers. A green dress I wore to church, mismatched ankle socks, tartan blanket, black sweater, and my grey fedora because my head was cold.
But when I went to sleep last night, it was the strangest thing. I guess all this alone time played with my head- I got undressed for bed, and not dressed again. I ended up sleeping, quite consciously, Venus Di Milo style- in just my slip. Never done that before. While cold (I normally like to sleep bundled up so as to pretend I’m not alone), it felt different and slightly sexy. (Not sure if it was a good feeling or not, having no one to appreciate it but me, lol) I couldn’t do it all the time, but it was a strange end to a very quiet weekend. I think I should just be proud I didn’t get depressed. Wow that sounds pathetic.
…I brought an egg to work today…
I spent the majority of the weekend alone. For the last month I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible so my brain didn’t think about…uh, stuff. And make me depressed and lonely- too busy for that silly girly stuff. But this weekend I had nothing. Or rather, I was invited to several parties but I opted not to go. On Friday a friend came over and we talked and ate brownies until I fell asleep on the couch. But Saturday I spent at home, sewing, cleaning, whatever. It was pleasant. Watching movies, my mind didn’t wander too far into any danger zones. For dinner I went out and picked up an order of Chinese food which was REALLY good. Maybe because I was starving. But anyway, I brought it home and ate it pleasantly on my bed as I went back to sewing.
Sunday was pretty productive too. Again, I was supposed to go to a potluck but I opted out in favor of staying secluded for a while longer. But you know how when your home alone and you know no one is going to see you so you suddenly don’t care about your appearance so long as your comfortable? For some people that means sweats or running around nude. Well, for me- that means layers. A green dress I wore to church, mismatched ankle socks, tartan blanket, black sweater, and my grey fedora because my head was cold.
But when I went to sleep last night, it was the strangest thing. I guess all this alone time played with my head- I got undressed for bed, and not dressed again. I ended up sleeping, quite consciously, Venus Di Milo style- in just my slip. Never done that before. While cold (I normally like to sleep bundled up so as to pretend I’m not alone), it felt different and slightly sexy. (Not sure if it was a good feeling or not, having no one to appreciate it but me, lol) I couldn’t do it all the time, but it was a strange end to a very quiet weekend. I think I should just be proud I didn’t get depressed. Wow that sounds pathetic.
…I brought an egg to work today…
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Howard Snippits
Moh. I want to text him so badly. But it’s just not time yet. If it still hurts just seeing his picture pop up on my phone, then it’s not safe to contact him. I just reaaaaaaaaally hope he isn’t hurt by my non-response. It’s like by doing nothing, I’ve lost him again. I’m really awful at ‘not missing’ thing. I’m just not built to go through too many relationships. Hope my next is my last.
Shake it off Casey. Onto stupid things Howard says:
Howard: “Casey, I don’t know how to delete this address.”
Casey: *walks over* “See the button that says, “Delete Address?”
Howard: “…”
Casey: *walks away*
Howard: “My chat is down. Call IT”
Casey: “Why? they’re just going to say to wait 10 minutes and try again because it looks like a server problem.”
Howard: “Just call them.”
Casey: *calls* “They said wait 10 minutes and try again.”
I said, “Adios” to Howard today instead of “goodbye”. That’s all I said. 20 minutes later he’s wrapping up a story about how and when he took Spanish in high school after a series of traumatic cheating escapades, paternal beatings, and clever Hispanic friends will to get him out of summer school. The dumb thing is, I’ve heard this dumb story before and it always end the same way. “Remember Casey, it’s better to cheat than to repeat.”
Shake it off Casey. Onto stupid things Howard says:
Howard: “Casey, I don’t know how to delete this address.”
Casey: *walks over* “See the button that says, “Delete Address?”
Howard: “…”
Casey: *walks away*
Howard: “My chat is down. Call IT”
Casey: “Why? they’re just going to say to wait 10 minutes and try again because it looks like a server problem.”
Howard: “Just call them.”
Casey: *calls* “They said wait 10 minutes and try again.”
I said, “Adios” to Howard today instead of “goodbye”. That’s all I said. 20 minutes later he’s wrapping up a story about how and when he took Spanish in high school after a series of traumatic cheating escapades, paternal beatings, and clever Hispanic friends will to get him out of summer school. The dumb thing is, I’ve heard this dumb story before and it always end the same way. “Remember Casey, it’s better to cheat than to repeat.”
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday at Work
Ok, there are a lot of reasons I can’t complain. I recognize most of them. But this is my blog and I can write about what I want.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I was making some commission. But the way this retarded system works, after getting an order, it may take months to fill it. And then once we do find the perfect match, it takes 2 weeks for them to start the new job (at least (that’s sans relo)) plus 90 days the candidate has to stay in the job to guarantee the job is secure. After that it could be another month before I see any monetary commissions.
Today, another strong candidate who was out only pick for a job in SanFran told us he was waiting on another gig to come through- and it did. So after all this time finagling and searching and putting him through the tireless interview process across the country, he had been stringing us along.
I have to restart this whole process again. And I’m still not getting paid for it. This kind of thing is stretching my nerves that no spa day can cure.
“We need to improve our system!”
“You’ve been saying that for YEARS Howard! I told you how to do it, you just don’t want to put the time into it! and frankly, neither do I.”
“But we have to talk about this! It’s a really big issue because of XY-”
“-and Z!!! I’ve been telling you that forever!”
Then I open up my docket of items to attach (a stupid process) and there is 50x the number of documents as there should be. WTH?! Where did these come from?! So I spent my afternoon on the phone with a nice IT guy (who calls me ‘lady’ because he thinks I’m fanceh) discussing possible issues with the new system. Naturally, it’s because of something Howard has been doing. He was given a new tool to play with that he thinks is a fun and efficient and hell- now it’s ruining my life cause no one taught him how to use it properly. Making the fun new tool totally moot.
But I get to fix it none the less.
I can’t get out of this job- the office is too small. The slightest movement away and Howard will smell danger. And the truth is, I don’t know if he can replace me. Well, at least not my tech knowledge. The rest of the stuff can be learned and some fresh faced idiot might jump at the chance.
But then, where would I go? Throw myself into the working field again where I wasn’t wanted to begin with? What would I do? More than I am right now? It might take time away from animaid. Less than I am right now? Maybe that would keep me from making enough money to support myself, from progressing in my career, or lose out on the potential for commission here. All these freaking unknowns.
All I know is that, although I love the slight change in today’s routine, I’m annoyed I’m still here. I need a change.
I know I know. I can’t complain. It’s my blog dang it!!!
It wouldn’t be so bad if I was making some commission. But the way this retarded system works, after getting an order, it may take months to fill it. And then once we do find the perfect match, it takes 2 weeks for them to start the new job (at least (that’s sans relo)) plus 90 days the candidate has to stay in the job to guarantee the job is secure. After that it could be another month before I see any monetary commissions.
Today, another strong candidate who was out only pick for a job in SanFran told us he was waiting on another gig to come through- and it did. So after all this time finagling and searching and putting him through the tireless interview process across the country, he had been stringing us along.
I have to restart this whole process again. And I’m still not getting paid for it. This kind of thing is stretching my nerves that no spa day can cure.
“We need to improve our system!”
“You’ve been saying that for YEARS Howard! I told you how to do it, you just don’t want to put the time into it! and frankly, neither do I.”
“But we have to talk about this! It’s a really big issue because of XY-”
“-and Z!!! I’ve been telling you that forever!”
Then I open up my docket of items to attach (a stupid process) and there is 50x the number of documents as there should be. WTH?! Where did these come from?! So I spent my afternoon on the phone with a nice IT guy (who calls me ‘lady’ because he thinks I’m fanceh) discussing possible issues with the new system. Naturally, it’s because of something Howard has been doing. He was given a new tool to play with that he thinks is a fun and efficient and hell- now it’s ruining my life cause no one taught him how to use it properly. Making the fun new tool totally moot.
But I get to fix it none the less.
I can’t get out of this job- the office is too small. The slightest movement away and Howard will smell danger. And the truth is, I don’t know if he can replace me. Well, at least not my tech knowledge. The rest of the stuff can be learned and some fresh faced idiot might jump at the chance.
But then, where would I go? Throw myself into the working field again where I wasn’t wanted to begin with? What would I do? More than I am right now? It might take time away from animaid. Less than I am right now? Maybe that would keep me from making enough money to support myself, from progressing in my career, or lose out on the potential for commission here. All these freaking unknowns.
All I know is that, although I love the slight change in today’s routine, I’m annoyed I’m still here. I need a change.
I know I know. I can’t complain. It’s my blog dang it!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
dating recap
I woke up thinking about him today. I know it’s bad. I’m not supposed to ever think about him. But I’m planning this lesson today on faith and for some reason he comes to mind. How my faith keeps me going. How it effects my decisions regarding him. I know it’s probably a good story to tell but it’s also rather incriminating. And being as private a person I am, it feels too soon after the fact to be telling such a story. But now that he is in my head, I can’t seem to get him out.
I checked his fb, today. It says he’s still single. But I don’t think he is the kind of person to announce such things on fb- but he may be alone. Not that it matters- I don’t think I would have checked if I couldn’t handle it. Is his birthday coming up?
So I have been dating a lot recently. More of an outstanding coincidence than anything I think. My internet friend and I have seen each other 6 times. And his language to me is starting to change. Before it was always grand plans and adventure time. Now he was to take long drives, cuddle on the couch, or even (DUNDUNDUN) let me pick what we do- even if I’ve done it a million times. He was at a club last night hating it so he sent me a text. He said he wished he were in the car with me driving home. The specific phrase I’m thinking of said, “It’s not because I don’t want to see you.” See me? I thought it was all about doing something fun. But, if I take him at his word, then he doesn’t like me. And if I take him by his overall actions (he never touches me except a goodnight hug, a pat on the head when I’m being dumb) he doesn’t want me. So to change my mind about what I think he feels is absurd. I’d be fooling myself to think he felt anything for me. And that’s fine because I think I hate him. Which makes it safe to keep being friends. Right? I just wish he’d stop pestering me about staying the night. I might give in even though I really don’t know what that means.
On the other front there is the artist. Who never contacts me except to set up dates. I feel like I never quite know what’s going on in his life. And while he clearly likes me, asking way in advance of my schedule, it seems more a relationship of convenience than anything. If he doesn’t want to contact me beyond taking me out. And then even on our dates, a large chunk of it isn’t about talking at all >_>. I wonder if he has much to say and what he sees in me if I’m not entertaining him. I have to return his book.
I really need to get back to planning this lesson. I forgot to call dad so I may be too late. I just hope everyone has stories to help me fill in the spirit and time.
I wonder if writing all this is a mistake. I can’t help who likes me when. And as long as my heart is no where… anyway. I hope this whole mess gets resolved soon.
I checked his fb, today. It says he’s still single. But I don’t think he is the kind of person to announce such things on fb- but he may be alone. Not that it matters- I don’t think I would have checked if I couldn’t handle it. Is his birthday coming up?
So I have been dating a lot recently. More of an outstanding coincidence than anything I think. My internet friend and I have seen each other 6 times. And his language to me is starting to change. Before it was always grand plans and adventure time. Now he was to take long drives, cuddle on the couch, or even (DUNDUNDUN) let me pick what we do- even if I’ve done it a million times. He was at a club last night hating it so he sent me a text. He said he wished he were in the car with me driving home. The specific phrase I’m thinking of said, “It’s not because I don’t want to see you.” See me? I thought it was all about doing something fun. But, if I take him at his word, then he doesn’t like me. And if I take him by his overall actions (he never touches me except a goodnight hug, a pat on the head when I’m being dumb) he doesn’t want me. So to change my mind about what I think he feels is absurd. I’d be fooling myself to think he felt anything for me. And that’s fine because I think I hate him. Which makes it safe to keep being friends. Right? I just wish he’d stop pestering me about staying the night. I might give in even though I really don’t know what that means.
On the other front there is the artist. Who never contacts me except to set up dates. I feel like I never quite know what’s going on in his life. And while he clearly likes me, asking way in advance of my schedule, it seems more a relationship of convenience than anything. If he doesn’t want to contact me beyond taking me out. And then even on our dates, a large chunk of it isn’t about talking at all >_>. I wonder if he has much to say and what he sees in me if I’m not entertaining him. I have to return his book.
I really need to get back to planning this lesson. I forgot to call dad so I may be too late. I just hope everyone has stories to help me fill in the spirit and time.
I wonder if writing all this is a mistake. I can’t help who likes me when. And as long as my heart is no where… anyway. I hope this whole mess gets resolved soon.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
thought I'd share...
The woman who looked old enough to have liver her teen years in the 50’s shared an elevator with me today. She sported a gold purse made entirely of gold sequins and fat beige cords. Which almost over-powered her pink furry uggs. She needed them on a rainy day like this because as the inch of hairy calf revealed, she also wore dark blue Capri’s under a tie-dyed pink and blue plaid jacket (yes, plaid AND tie-dyed.)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Awkward silences rule?
Wow- I feel like I’m losing my friends at an increasingly rapid pace. Not misplacing them or even not liking them anymore- but needing to stop talking to them for sure. Is this the face of a person who gets run over a lot? I guess the tire marks don’t make good makeup. I have three.
So, I have a date tonight. Weird. Mostly because he asked… in such a manly way. I mean, if I hated his guts I would have accepted, just to honor the awesome that is this request. It was…so nice.
For some reason I’m the slighted bit relieved that when I met him I was a total mess. Because now anything I do has to be better than I was. Gobs of liner mushed under my eyes that I tried to distract from by adding more gobs on top of my eyes, probably a few tear streaks hopefully interrupted by the addition of blush. It was like putting makeup on a ruffled duck. I didn’t shave but I had Band-Aids on my legs from bug bites I’m still recovering from (I was wearing a white skirt). And my shoddy outfit I wore all day was cute in theory, but I think I must have smelled like the cold Santa Monica beach. Not to mention when light thin blonde hair meets the clammy outside winds of nature, it gets stringy and flat.
The last two weeks or so, all I’ve been doing is pushing a brush through my hair so I don’t even know how that’s going. It’s just not worth it to check.
So if you can imagine all that- that’s how it was. On top of which, I thought I blew our conversation near the end. Stumbling over embarrassing accomplishments and weak observations. I excused myself to go home before I was really ready because I was tired (and pretty emotionally weak also considering I hadn’t eaten one crumb since noon the day before and it was now 10:10pm)
“Meh” I thought. “Another one bites the dust.” It didn’t bother me too much. I tried to stop punishing myself for another awkward social encounter and be proud of myself that even despite the drama of the day- a nice guy asked for my email. Yay! I’m still semi-attractive. I didn’t reaaaaaally think he’d remember my name. When I left him, he didn’t look like he thought so either. So I didn’t think much of it when I was looking at some pictures of the event, saw his name on the artists list, and friended him on facebook.
About 24 hours later I got a message. Now, my experience in these situations is that the person of interest will come up with a reason to chat with me if we happen to be online at the same time. “Oh hey! Did you see the pictures of the event? I thought you might want the link because you were there. Hahaha. Semi-witty banter. Inside jokes from our only conversation. Rib rib, more things I remember. Yeah I remember that too. Awkward silence.” Ok, I guess no one can say ‘awkward silence’. Just kinda pause. This pattern can continue for a few hundred months, or if they are being manly, they’ll pluck of the courage to suggest doing something together.
Uh, none of that happened this time. I have gathered (because I’m one smart cookie) that he is 38. A few years outside my real comfortably zone (10 years older max and if you can’t do math- he is 13 years older). Nevertheless, this must account for the directness that I find so appealing. I got a message:
“You know... it's kinda hard to forget your email address when you beat me to the punch by friending me on facebook first. :P
I'd like to see you again. Coffee... Hot chocolate... Long walk without a destination in mind?
~l”
HoMaiGoodnessDidAnybodyHearThat?! It sounded like… a bang? Did this guy really just unabashedly fire his gun at me? How could I avoid a shot like that? Why would I even want to?
Wither I know we’ll work out in the long term or not (we won’t) is irrelevant in this case. I thought about it for some time, then responded. I’m sort of excited. I wonder what a real man is like…
*Edit* Holy frik. I just found the stats page on blogger. What is wrong with you people? O.o I know I have a lot more entries here than the dating blog but the number of hits in this steam pile of emo mush can’t be more than the bitter rantings of my social life. These numbers are really silly…
So, I have a date tonight. Weird. Mostly because he asked… in such a manly way. I mean, if I hated his guts I would have accepted, just to honor the awesome that is this request. It was…so nice.
For some reason I’m the slighted bit relieved that when I met him I was a total mess. Because now anything I do has to be better than I was. Gobs of liner mushed under my eyes that I tried to distract from by adding more gobs on top of my eyes, probably a few tear streaks hopefully interrupted by the addition of blush. It was like putting makeup on a ruffled duck. I didn’t shave but I had Band-Aids on my legs from bug bites I’m still recovering from (I was wearing a white skirt). And my shoddy outfit I wore all day was cute in theory, but I think I must have smelled like the cold Santa Monica beach. Not to mention when light thin blonde hair meets the clammy outside winds of nature, it gets stringy and flat.
The last two weeks or so, all I’ve been doing is pushing a brush through my hair so I don’t even know how that’s going. It’s just not worth it to check.
So if you can imagine all that- that’s how it was. On top of which, I thought I blew our conversation near the end. Stumbling over embarrassing accomplishments and weak observations. I excused myself to go home before I was really ready because I was tired (and pretty emotionally weak also considering I hadn’t eaten one crumb since noon the day before and it was now 10:10pm)
“Meh” I thought. “Another one bites the dust.” It didn’t bother me too much. I tried to stop punishing myself for another awkward social encounter and be proud of myself that even despite the drama of the day- a nice guy asked for my email. Yay! I’m still semi-attractive. I didn’t reaaaaaally think he’d remember my name. When I left him, he didn’t look like he thought so either. So I didn’t think much of it when I was looking at some pictures of the event, saw his name on the artists list, and friended him on facebook.
About 24 hours later I got a message. Now, my experience in these situations is that the person of interest will come up with a reason to chat with me if we happen to be online at the same time. “Oh hey! Did you see the pictures of the event? I thought you might want the link because you were there. Hahaha. Semi-witty banter. Inside jokes from our only conversation. Rib rib, more things I remember. Yeah I remember that too. Awkward silence.” Ok, I guess no one can say ‘awkward silence’. Just kinda pause. This pattern can continue for a few hundred months, or if they are being manly, they’ll pluck of the courage to suggest doing something together.
Uh, none of that happened this time. I have gathered (because I’m one smart cookie) that he is 38. A few years outside my real comfortably zone (10 years older max and if you can’t do math- he is 13 years older). Nevertheless, this must account for the directness that I find so appealing. I got a message:
“You know... it's kinda hard to forget your email address when you beat me to the punch by friending me on facebook first. :P
I'd like to see you again. Coffee... Hot chocolate... Long walk without a destination in mind?
~l”
HoMaiGoodnessDidAnybodyHearThat?! It sounded like… a bang? Did this guy really just unabashedly fire his gun at me? How could I avoid a shot like that? Why would I even want to?
Wither I know we’ll work out in the long term or not (we won’t) is irrelevant in this case. I thought about it for some time, then responded. I’m sort of excited. I wonder what a real man is like…
*Edit* Holy frik. I just found the stats page on blogger. What is wrong with you people? O.o I know I have a lot more entries here than the dating blog but the number of hits in this steam pile of emo mush can’t be more than the bitter rantings of my social life. These numbers are really silly…
Monday, September 20, 2010
My heart on the line
but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
And it was my heart on the line
You really f***ed it up this time
Didn’t you, my dear?
A fill-in.
That’s what he called me.
Why couldn’t he just let me pretend we had something good?
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
And it was my heart on the line
You really f***ed it up this time
Didn’t you, my dear?
A fill-in.
That’s what he called me.
Why couldn’t he just let me pretend we had something good?
Friday, September 17, 2010
Pathetic
Ok, maybe I figured it out.
Maybe it’s pathetic.
Alright, it’s really pathetic.
But I’ve figured it out.
I let him abuse me because at least he seems interested. Even if it’s completely convoluted and demeaning way- there is juuuust enough of a hint of interest in me. Even though I have no idea why- I guess I don’t need to know. He has taken all my exes on as ‘competition’. Particularly ***. Even though he’d never admit to being jealous, he needs motivation to become ‘more awesome’ than he already is.
And when you have no confidence, are feeling worthless, and as hopeless as I have been recently- you’ll take any form of acceptance. As though, if this relationship doesn’t work, nothing else ever will. So as long as he keeps asking me out, I’ll say yes. Is that what this is?
That’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Don’t I have any more self worth than that?
Maybe it’s pathetic.
Alright, it’s really pathetic.
But I’ve figured it out.
I let him abuse me because at least he seems interested. Even if it’s completely convoluted and demeaning way- there is juuuust enough of a hint of interest in me. Even though I have no idea why- I guess I don’t need to know. He has taken all my exes on as ‘competition’. Particularly ***. Even though he’d never admit to being jealous, he needs motivation to become ‘more awesome’ than he already is.
And when you have no confidence, are feeling worthless, and as hopeless as I have been recently- you’ll take any form of acceptance. As though, if this relationship doesn’t work, nothing else ever will. So as long as he keeps asking me out, I’ll say yes. Is that what this is?
That’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Don’t I have any more self worth than that?
dump truck
What is wrong with me?
Seriously? Well today started off bad. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.
This week I’ve been battling a failing heart. I can’t say I’m getting worse but I can’t say I’m getting better either.
The blog ***** gave me is gone. I don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t want me to be a part of that life anymore. So, no peace from that.
I tried to call my father this morning but I only got his voicemail. Just left him a nice “I love you” message. So, no comfort there.
And for some weird reason, I can’t find the new Naruto chapter. So, not even a simple distraction.
All I can think today is whaaaaaaat eeeevaaaaaaaaah. Just wanna roll over and die. Not so much because I don’t want to live, but time in painful. I hate this waiting. Waiting until this feeling is gone.
I have a ‘date’ tonight with someone I can’t stand. Everyday I ask myself, why am I still talking to this idiot? How can I even explain what is so obnoxious about him? I get the feeling he’s using me for his own entertainment. Demanding things like, “I’m bored. Tell me something interesting.” “I’m hungry. Bring me dinner.” “You’re such a dork. You never have enough time for me.” “You’re just jealous you’ll never be as awesome as me.” Dork geek nerd stupid. I GET IT. When I try to talk to him about things that are important to me or even little things like how my day is going, he doesn’t care. He says he can’t do anything about it and it’s my business. So my life really doesn’t affect him.
I don’t know what he wants from me. One moment I’m too bizarre and the next he’s complaining I never message him first. He say’s he wants me to be his “adventure buddy”. But honestly, and I know this makes me into a horrible person- I don’t need adventure. I want security. I’ve been thrown around in life enough already. I’m not interested in trying new clubs, hiking, or constantly trying to prove how my life is interesting enough for someone else. This is why I don’t like to hang out with ‘normal’ people and tell them about the maid café. They look at me like I’m a freak. So if he thinks I’m such a freak, why does he bother talking to me? I don’t get it. So day after day I take his whiney ‘tude and abrasive foolhardy nature.
But why am I doing this to myself? I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not attracted to him. Even seeing his name pop up makes me cringe. I can acquiesce with the theory I’m terrible at leaving people. But even after this much abuse I can normally step away or hide sufficiently from a person.
But as it stands, he’s also my only regular source of conversation. Feeling lonely and miserable as I am- I’d like it if he’d be a friend I could confide in. and I keep trying to make him into something he’s not. In the end I’m left alone again. Wanting this limbo time to be over. Maybe his exploitation is preferable to being alone.
Something has to be wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people seriously? I like people- in general. I see them and understand them from a nice distance. At least once a day, someone asks me for help or advice or comfort and I can do that pretty well. But what makes it so impossible for me to see possibility in anyone?
This is all an emo rant I’m sure. But who the hell reads this anyway? It’s just me basically I think. If you really do keep up with this crap, I suggest you stop. Because if I was going to write about what was ‘going on’ with my life… well, I’m not going to do that. So stop looking. If you want to know how I’m ‘feeling’, this isn’t a good place to tap into that either. I have no reason to spend the time to write here if I’m feeling well or just ordinary. You have to understand this is probably just a dumping ground only for when I feel so much I can’t keep it inside anymore. The image that comes to mind is a dump truck full of dirt. And when the truck is so full up it starts to mound over the edge, I have to scrape that top stuff off- like a cup of flour. And where better to put all the excess than here?
What am I going to do? Or, what should I do?
What I will do is hide in my head, continue letting this guy abuse me, stay in this awful job, wait for the pain to go away, and keep holding my phone to my heart so I know right away when I get a text that says, “Goodnight Miss Casey. ”
Seriously? Well today started off bad. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.
This week I’ve been battling a failing heart. I can’t say I’m getting worse but I can’t say I’m getting better either.
The blog ***** gave me is gone. I don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t want me to be a part of that life anymore. So, no peace from that.
I tried to call my father this morning but I only got his voicemail. Just left him a nice “I love you” message. So, no comfort there.
And for some weird reason, I can’t find the new Naruto chapter. So, not even a simple distraction.
All I can think today is whaaaaaaat eeeevaaaaaaaaah. Just wanna roll over and die. Not so much because I don’t want to live, but time in painful. I hate this waiting. Waiting until this feeling is gone.
I have a ‘date’ tonight with someone I can’t stand. Everyday I ask myself, why am I still talking to this idiot? How can I even explain what is so obnoxious about him? I get the feeling he’s using me for his own entertainment. Demanding things like, “I’m bored. Tell me something interesting.” “I’m hungry. Bring me dinner.” “You’re such a dork. You never have enough time for me.” “You’re just jealous you’ll never be as awesome as me.” Dork geek nerd stupid. I GET IT. When I try to talk to him about things that are important to me or even little things like how my day is going, he doesn’t care. He says he can’t do anything about it and it’s my business. So my life really doesn’t affect him.
I don’t know what he wants from me. One moment I’m too bizarre and the next he’s complaining I never message him first. He say’s he wants me to be his “adventure buddy”. But honestly, and I know this makes me into a horrible person- I don’t need adventure. I want security. I’ve been thrown around in life enough already. I’m not interested in trying new clubs, hiking, or constantly trying to prove how my life is interesting enough for someone else. This is why I don’t like to hang out with ‘normal’ people and tell them about the maid café. They look at me like I’m a freak. So if he thinks I’m such a freak, why does he bother talking to me? I don’t get it. So day after day I take his whiney ‘tude and abrasive foolhardy nature.
But why am I doing this to myself? I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not attracted to him. Even seeing his name pop up makes me cringe. I can acquiesce with the theory I’m terrible at leaving people. But even after this much abuse I can normally step away or hide sufficiently from a person.
But as it stands, he’s also my only regular source of conversation. Feeling lonely and miserable as I am- I’d like it if he’d be a friend I could confide in. and I keep trying to make him into something he’s not. In the end I’m left alone again. Wanting this limbo time to be over. Maybe his exploitation is preferable to being alone.
Something has to be wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people seriously? I like people- in general. I see them and understand them from a nice distance. At least once a day, someone asks me for help or advice or comfort and I can do that pretty well. But what makes it so impossible for me to see possibility in anyone?
This is all an emo rant I’m sure. But who the hell reads this anyway? It’s just me basically I think. If you really do keep up with this crap, I suggest you stop. Because if I was going to write about what was ‘going on’ with my life… well, I’m not going to do that. So stop looking. If you want to know how I’m ‘feeling’, this isn’t a good place to tap into that either. I have no reason to spend the time to write here if I’m feeling well or just ordinary. You have to understand this is probably just a dumping ground only for when I feel so much I can’t keep it inside anymore. The image that comes to mind is a dump truck full of dirt. And when the truck is so full up it starts to mound over the edge, I have to scrape that top stuff off- like a cup of flour. And where better to put all the excess than here?
What am I going to do? Or, what should I do?
What I will do is hide in my head, continue letting this guy abuse me, stay in this awful job, wait for the pain to go away, and keep holding my phone to my heart so I know right away when I get a text that says, “Goodnight Miss Casey. ”
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Remebering I'm not Stupid
So I just got seriously talked to by Howard about my eating habits. "You don't remember the things you don't want to. You have no excuses, I know you're not stupid."
He’s right.
And I really need to find a way to stop myself from crying. Not that I did, but in the middle of his speech I think I was about to.
He’s right. It’s true I forget things and I feel stupid about it- but I don’t forget the things I care about. If my brain deems it uncomfortable, disturbing, or not worth the time of day, I’ll forget. Of course, into that black hole will sometimes slip things that I love, and the more I forget, the more good stuff leaves me. But he’s right. I’m also not stupid. I could make the time to get up in the morning and make an egg. It’s probably cheaper than the bagel everyday anyway.
I have the time, just not the discipline. Which I‘ve always loathed about myself. I think most people hate weakness in themselves but it’s always been a particular weak spot with me. If you’re new to this blog, please read the entry on marketing myself. Where was I going with this?
Ah, the only thing I hate worse than LOOKING bad is BEING bad. I was always afraid of my mother’s punishment as a kid if I didn’t do something right. So for the most part if I did something, I wouldn’t show her. Or anyone, if it wasn’t ready. And I’d slave over things until it was ready for presentation. I shouldn’t blame my vicious mother though.
So how do I make myself want to do things that are good for me? Stuff that is hard that I don’t like? Even something as simple as getting up a little earlier to make breakfast, or eating dinner (no matter what it is) as soon as I get home?
Sigh. A husband is not a regulator. A boyfriend is not an alarm clock. A friend is not discipline.
He’s right.
And I really need to find a way to stop myself from crying. Not that I did, but in the middle of his speech I think I was about to.
He’s right. It’s true I forget things and I feel stupid about it- but I don’t forget the things I care about. If my brain deems it uncomfortable, disturbing, or not worth the time of day, I’ll forget. Of course, into that black hole will sometimes slip things that I love, and the more I forget, the more good stuff leaves me. But he’s right. I’m also not stupid. I could make the time to get up in the morning and make an egg. It’s probably cheaper than the bagel everyday anyway.
I have the time, just not the discipline. Which I‘ve always loathed about myself. I think most people hate weakness in themselves but it’s always been a particular weak spot with me. If you’re new to this blog, please read the entry on marketing myself. Where was I going with this?
Ah, the only thing I hate worse than LOOKING bad is BEING bad. I was always afraid of my mother’s punishment as a kid if I didn’t do something right. So for the most part if I did something, I wouldn’t show her. Or anyone, if it wasn’t ready. And I’d slave over things until it was ready for presentation. I shouldn’t blame my vicious mother though.
So how do I make myself want to do things that are good for me? Stuff that is hard that I don’t like? Even something as simple as getting up a little earlier to make breakfast, or eating dinner (no matter what it is) as soon as I get home?
Sigh. A husband is not a regulator. A boyfriend is not an alarm clock. A friend is not discipline.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Haircut x
I had several dreams last night.
One had Kchan & Kerry. I don’t think their office really looks like a well-lit version of Apria Healthcare where I used to work the mailroom some 6 years ago. But Kchan was dressed in a pretty suit, and Kerry laughed and smiled while I sat on a copier and laughed with them. I was Happy to see Kchan so happy.
Another is I told Gilbert why I was so mad at him. *shake fist* truthfully, I don’t know if he knew what we were planning. And I wonder if it’s too late and I’ll look like a copy cat. Anyway, in the dream he said he could help our plan come life. Oh well. This is idea will probably go the way of the balloon shoot.
These two, I think, were just part of a much bigger dream. Animaid was invited to perform at a big park. But we had time to shoot the girls again in their Lolita charm dresses. But to my dismay, my bio mother came to spoil the party. Aka- ‘spend the day with me’. I really hate that woman. I remember one part when we were crossing the street she says, “HAHAhAH Casey you always sound so nervous around me. Even on the phone. What is wrong with you?! HAHAHA.” I glared at her back and wished as hard as all get out I could tell her why I sounded that way with her, and to tell her to get lost.
Hm. Snippets of John, Aino, Chiyo, more Kchan, Elle, ect. All the animaid folks. It was a big long dream. But somewhere in there I realized it was a nightmare trying to spend that much time with my mother. Never again.
Anyway. On to the main point. I’ve been wanting to come back and write in here all weekend. Hoping to put into writing (what’s the word for that? Li-something? Legate? ) how I’m feeling.
So, I cut off all my hair. Yep. Like 5 inches. Chopped. In an A-line so it’s short in the back and long on the sides. Possible reasons?
- I don’t like myself. Maybe I’m just frustrated with who I am and wanted a major change to shake up my life. Getting a hair cut that’s shorter and more stylish than I’ve ever had before is really a huge change for me.
- I miss that boy. They say to get over someone it’s good to start life fresh. Re organize your room, buy new clothes, start eating healthy…Get your hair cut. You’ll feel like a new person… is it working?
- I have no one to impress since my heart was broken. If I can’t have him, then why not ruin my life so it’s not worth having any more? Does that make sense? I’m frustrated with being lonely and misshapen. So, like any emo teenager, I took it out on my hair.
- I’m tired of compliments. This, I know most people would never understand. What’s wrong with a compliment? You know, it’s really weird. As much as I like to hear support and all that- I have no ability to accept it. It’s like that function in me is broken. My face gets all red and my brain shuts down. I’m never really sure if it’s a good thing or not considering my reaction. And growing up as you know, I was not a pretty little girl. I was funny and wise and kind. But never pretty. And NEVER hot. And now, I don’t know what to do when people tell me they want to see me with long hair. It scares me- what if I fail? So cut it off. Let me go back to just being funny.
- I needed a haircut. That’s possible. Plus, do you know how hard it is to care for long hair like mine? Ug. Takes forever. I would know- I had long hair for most of my life. I don’t really want to go back to that.
I’m almost certain no one but me will like it. And honestly, I don’t even know if I like it- I just don’t care. If I know no one else will like it, and I’m stuck with it for the next 5 months or so, then why depress myself thinking about how cute or not it is? It’s functional for sure. I don’t even need conditioner. Or a brush. That’s how short it is.
So in conjunction with all the reasons (and it could be all or none of those), I do not want to see anyone for a while. Avoid the compliments. Or non-compliments. Which are just as bad.
But Jeremy still wants to see me. I’ll like to slug him in the face these days, but I’ve already made the date. Oh well. His loss.
Onward.
Ps. I cleaned my room finally. It’s nice. Even though I think I was only able to get through it because I was so brain-dead I was only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, thus I wasn’t distracted. Also, to stay away from that boy, I’ve had to stay away from the internet. Which frees up a lot of time.
One had Kchan & Kerry. I don’t think their office really looks like a well-lit version of Apria Healthcare where I used to work the mailroom some 6 years ago. But Kchan was dressed in a pretty suit, and Kerry laughed and smiled while I sat on a copier and laughed with them. I was Happy to see Kchan so happy.
Another is I told Gilbert why I was so mad at him. *shake fist* truthfully, I don’t know if he knew what we were planning. And I wonder if it’s too late and I’ll look like a copy cat. Anyway, in the dream he said he could help our plan come life. Oh well. This is idea will probably go the way of the balloon shoot.
These two, I think, were just part of a much bigger dream. Animaid was invited to perform at a big park. But we had time to shoot the girls again in their Lolita charm dresses. But to my dismay, my bio mother came to spoil the party. Aka- ‘spend the day with me’. I really hate that woman. I remember one part when we were crossing the street she says, “HAHAhAH Casey you always sound so nervous around me. Even on the phone. What is wrong with you?! HAHAHA.” I glared at her back and wished as hard as all get out I could tell her why I sounded that way with her, and to tell her to get lost.
Hm. Snippets of John, Aino, Chiyo, more Kchan, Elle, ect. All the animaid folks. It was a big long dream. But somewhere in there I realized it was a nightmare trying to spend that much time with my mother. Never again.
Anyway. On to the main point. I’ve been wanting to come back and write in here all weekend. Hoping to put into writing (what’s the word for that? Li-something? Legate? ) how I’m feeling.
So, I cut off all my hair. Yep. Like 5 inches. Chopped. In an A-line so it’s short in the back and long on the sides. Possible reasons?
- I don’t like myself. Maybe I’m just frustrated with who I am and wanted a major change to shake up my life. Getting a hair cut that’s shorter and more stylish than I’ve ever had before is really a huge change for me.
- I miss that boy. They say to get over someone it’s good to start life fresh. Re organize your room, buy new clothes, start eating healthy…Get your hair cut. You’ll feel like a new person… is it working?
- I have no one to impress since my heart was broken. If I can’t have him, then why not ruin my life so it’s not worth having any more? Does that make sense? I’m frustrated with being lonely and misshapen. So, like any emo teenager, I took it out on my hair.
- I’m tired of compliments. This, I know most people would never understand. What’s wrong with a compliment? You know, it’s really weird. As much as I like to hear support and all that- I have no ability to accept it. It’s like that function in me is broken. My face gets all red and my brain shuts down. I’m never really sure if it’s a good thing or not considering my reaction. And growing up as you know, I was not a pretty little girl. I was funny and wise and kind. But never pretty. And NEVER hot. And now, I don’t know what to do when people tell me they want to see me with long hair. It scares me- what if I fail? So cut it off. Let me go back to just being funny.
- I needed a haircut. That’s possible. Plus, do you know how hard it is to care for long hair like mine? Ug. Takes forever. I would know- I had long hair for most of my life. I don’t really want to go back to that.
I’m almost certain no one but me will like it. And honestly, I don’t even know if I like it- I just don’t care. If I know no one else will like it, and I’m stuck with it for the next 5 months or so, then why depress myself thinking about how cute or not it is? It’s functional for sure. I don’t even need conditioner. Or a brush. That’s how short it is.
So in conjunction with all the reasons (and it could be all or none of those), I do not want to see anyone for a while. Avoid the compliments. Or non-compliments. Which are just as bad.
But Jeremy still wants to see me. I’ll like to slug him in the face these days, but I’ve already made the date. Oh well. His loss.
Onward.
Ps. I cleaned my room finally. It’s nice. Even though I think I was only able to get through it because I was so brain-dead I was only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, thus I wasn’t distracted. Also, to stay away from that boy, I’ve had to stay away from the internet. Which frees up a lot of time.
Monday, August 30, 2010
people are appalling
What makes people so awful as to be happy at other’s pain? Or sad at someone’s happiness? I supposed people are appalling anyway.
The weekend was good. A lot of fun, even with a question weighing on my heart. It could have been worse. But the water was so cold- it was numbing. Beautiful. I hate to be cold but it was so painful, it felt good. I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being confused too. I plague other people with my stupid emotions.
I used to call my dad all the time and we would sort these feelings out. but in the end the conclusion was all the same- it’ll be okay. But I trust my father so implicitly that if he says so, then it is. If he thinks it will be okay, then it will be. If he says I’m not like my mother, then I’m not. If he doesn’t think I’m a freak or a lost cause, then I’m not. I should call him soon. I think I need to believe in that stuff again.
I’m starting to resign myself to this stupid job. Perhaps if I do I won’t be so angry going in everyday. Then I won’t trick myself into getting in later and later. I can’t get out, and even if I did- where would I be? Wasting my life in some other assistant job. Frustrated and angry without the benefit of facebook and aim at my disposal.
I have a vacation hangover. My head hurts and I feel wasted. I need a super hot shower and a nice get-it-done session. I hate FHE. I’m going to skip it to get my head on straight.
It’s weird. When Eric and Joman came over last night I was confused as to wither I needed to be embarrassed about my geekdom. I know they are geeks too, but they don’t dress up. And even people who know anime pretty well consider something wrong with being a maid. I love it, I can’t deny that, but it’s always been private and a separate part of my life, what do I do with people who say they don’t see anything wrong with it? Mah, I’m just making things hard on myself. I look like a dork when I worry.
Crazy head today. I didn’t make the decision I was supposed to this weekend. Am I being over-dramatic or just extremely reasonable? I need an answer. I need a boyfriend who makes me feel like I have a future. With him and with myself. For the first time in my life I have the chance- willing and ready to give me a ‘home’ with them. In their arms, they say I’ll be safe. But- you know.
So k-chan has a new boyfriend. And it really makes me happy to see her happy. She’s smart and sassy and needs someone good for her as well as someone she really enjoys. I hope KLV is equipped to give her what she needs. And at the same time, I’m so jealous. I saw them holding hands and I watched him rub his thumb on her fingers. PANG. It was so cute I thought I’d die. In a good and bad way.
So yeah. People are sick.
The weekend was good. A lot of fun, even with a question weighing on my heart. It could have been worse. But the water was so cold- it was numbing. Beautiful. I hate to be cold but it was so painful, it felt good. I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being confused too. I plague other people with my stupid emotions.
I used to call my dad all the time and we would sort these feelings out. but in the end the conclusion was all the same- it’ll be okay. But I trust my father so implicitly that if he says so, then it is. If he thinks it will be okay, then it will be. If he says I’m not like my mother, then I’m not. If he doesn’t think I’m a freak or a lost cause, then I’m not. I should call him soon. I think I need to believe in that stuff again.
I’m starting to resign myself to this stupid job. Perhaps if I do I won’t be so angry going in everyday. Then I won’t trick myself into getting in later and later. I can’t get out, and even if I did- where would I be? Wasting my life in some other assistant job. Frustrated and angry without the benefit of facebook and aim at my disposal.
I have a vacation hangover. My head hurts and I feel wasted. I need a super hot shower and a nice get-it-done session. I hate FHE. I’m going to skip it to get my head on straight.
It’s weird. When Eric and Joman came over last night I was confused as to wither I needed to be embarrassed about my geekdom. I know they are geeks too, but they don’t dress up. And even people who know anime pretty well consider something wrong with being a maid. I love it, I can’t deny that, but it’s always been private and a separate part of my life, what do I do with people who say they don’t see anything wrong with it? Mah, I’m just making things hard on myself. I look like a dork when I worry.
Crazy head today. I didn’t make the decision I was supposed to this weekend. Am I being over-dramatic or just extremely reasonable? I need an answer. I need a boyfriend who makes me feel like I have a future. With him and with myself. For the first time in my life I have the chance- willing and ready to give me a ‘home’ with them. In their arms, they say I’ll be safe. But- you know.
So k-chan has a new boyfriend. And it really makes me happy to see her happy. She’s smart and sassy and needs someone good for her as well as someone she really enjoys. I hope KLV is equipped to give her what she needs. And at the same time, I’m so jealous. I saw them holding hands and I watched him rub his thumb on her fingers. PANG. It was so cute I thought I’d die. In a good and bad way.
So yeah. People are sick.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Get Away
I’m going away this weekend. I know it’s for the maidcafe but I really think I’m going to try to heal a bit. It seems like everyone is breaking up and having big upheavals of life. Maybe we could all use this to be far away from problems. It’s about the same distance from LA as Vegas, but I think this might be more suited to me.
A Vegas get-away never suited me. I’ve never been interested in clubbing more than to escape people, but it’s not the sort of thing a defenseless girl should do alone, so I haven’t. I don’t gamble and I don’t like feeling out of control of my body by drinking. And I’m sorry, the men they have there to entertain all look gay to me. And when I went with the maidcafe the WhiteGirls dressed me in this SHORTY McShort black skirt and that was uncomfortable as all get out. Luckily the SDcard that has those pictures got deleted by MAX. No evidence of my sulttery exists. As far as I know. Funny story, wearing a nice jacket didn’t save me from getting scoped. Which was…weird. Normally I don’t feel like a woman as much as I feel like a friend and a comedian/entertainer. Sexy doesn’t come into the picture as often as perhaps it should. So showing off the ‘goods’ doesn’t occur to me.
One particular moment, Aino, Deb, and I were standing in the casino chatting trying to figure out what we wanted to do -when I had a weird normal experience. I looked up and someone turned the corner and looked right at me. It was a dude- about my age, but he looked remarkably like Chris Bisente. It shocked me for a second, a second too long as it looked like I was staring for the wrong reasons XD. I immediately blushed and looked down apologetically. Wrong wrong wrong. I could feeeeeel his grin as he and his buddies passed, and detected when he glanced over his shoulder at me. He must have told his friends because not long after, they circled back- behind me. But I noticed. And so did Deb. Who immediately made Aino aware. Who promptly grabbed my hand and stormed out of the casino in a huff.
I was too embarrassed to do anything myself. Lol Weird story. I have no idea what she was so angry about and I don’t know what might have happened. But I’m just saying- Vegas is probably not a good getaway for me.
This other place, we have a hotel for two nights. Not far from the beach I think. We will be spending a majority of the day at the con working of course. I don’t mind that. But Aino and Kchan promised we’d find a mall and make me try on a bunch of clothes I probably won’t buy, try on wigs to see if I look better darker or blond or with bangs or whatever, watch a ton of anime, and eat until it hurts.
Well, that last part I put in, but I doubt Kchan would fail me there. If nothing else, we will eat.
A Vegas get-away never suited me. I’ve never been interested in clubbing more than to escape people, but it’s not the sort of thing a defenseless girl should do alone, so I haven’t. I don’t gamble and I don’t like feeling out of control of my body by drinking. And I’m sorry, the men they have there to entertain all look gay to me. And when I went with the maidcafe the WhiteGirls dressed me in this SHORTY McShort black skirt and that was uncomfortable as all get out. Luckily the SDcard that has those pictures got deleted by MAX. No evidence of my sulttery exists. As far as I know. Funny story, wearing a nice jacket didn’t save me from getting scoped. Which was…weird. Normally I don’t feel like a woman as much as I feel like a friend and a comedian/entertainer. Sexy doesn’t come into the picture as often as perhaps it should. So showing off the ‘goods’ doesn’t occur to me.
One particular moment, Aino, Deb, and I were standing in the casino chatting trying to figure out what we wanted to do -when I had a weird normal experience. I looked up and someone turned the corner and looked right at me. It was a dude- about my age, but he looked remarkably like Chris Bisente. It shocked me for a second, a second too long as it looked like I was staring for the wrong reasons XD. I immediately blushed and looked down apologetically. Wrong wrong wrong. I could feeeeeel his grin as he and his buddies passed, and detected when he glanced over his shoulder at me. He must have told his friends because not long after, they circled back- behind me. But I noticed. And so did Deb. Who immediately made Aino aware. Who promptly grabbed my hand and stormed out of the casino in a huff.
I was too embarrassed to do anything myself. Lol Weird story. I have no idea what she was so angry about and I don’t know what might have happened. But I’m just saying- Vegas is probably not a good getaway for me.
This other place, we have a hotel for two nights. Not far from the beach I think. We will be spending a majority of the day at the con working of course. I don’t mind that. But Aino and Kchan promised we’d find a mall and make me try on a bunch of clothes I probably won’t buy, try on wigs to see if I look better darker or blond or with bangs or whatever, watch a ton of anime, and eat until it hurts.
Well, that last part I put in, but I doubt Kchan would fail me there. If nothing else, we will eat.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Narrowed down emo post to:
Sigh… *wigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle…*
*sniff*
Spending my time writing apology letters in my head.
wah wah miss you.
*sniff*
Spending my time writing apology letters in my head.
wah wah miss you.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Lost
Ever have one of those days that you feel like nothing will ever work out?
You put your whole heart into something and it was all a waste of time. You wonder if it’s worth it, if you’re worth it. If the time and hours and tears you spent are useless and pain and you’re personified nothing. You feel small and insignificant. You can’t change anything and worst, you can’t seem to change yourself. You can see it all before you and you know what you have to do but you can’t.
And I can’t control the world like I want to. I can’t control the way people see me or treat me or feel about me as much as I think I can. Maybe a little, but not enough to keep the ones I love, and put away the ones I don’t. I can’t always be what everyone needs. I try and I work really hard to know everything and to be the person you need, but I can only do so much. And it hurts to know it. To feel it. And then experience the effects.
I’ve lost people recently and I know that means that my life and heart have to change.
But it really hurts. It really hurts tonight.
You put your whole heart into something and it was all a waste of time. You wonder if it’s worth it, if you’re worth it. If the time and hours and tears you spent are useless and pain and you’re personified nothing. You feel small and insignificant. You can’t change anything and worst, you can’t seem to change yourself. You can see it all before you and you know what you have to do but you can’t.
And I can’t control the world like I want to. I can’t control the way people see me or treat me or feel about me as much as I think I can. Maybe a little, but not enough to keep the ones I love, and put away the ones I don’t. I can’t always be what everyone needs. I try and I work really hard to know everything and to be the person you need, but I can only do so much. And it hurts to know it. To feel it. And then experience the effects.
I’ve lost people recently and I know that means that my life and heart have to change.
But it really hurts. It really hurts tonight.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
bfojrbfoeubfodbv
ahhh frikin mauahibdgeodubxfcdgvbhnkmdhbn dBBIVBVOJVPJDB PB7
This is what we call a bad day. and I don't foresee it getting any better in the... four hours I have left to stay awake.
Thank the Lord I haven't cursed anyone directly with my care and maintainence. I just loathe everything today. I hate me, I hate food, and money, and my car, and the sky and the moon, the heat, the cold, my wardrobe, my skin, my hair, my teeth, my fingers, my face, i hate you, I hate them, I hate everything.
but mostly me.
Did you know I tried to make myself feel better by going out and buying a doughnut (along with my OJ because (once again)I forgot to get it at a normal store) and all i did all the way home was yell at myself for not spending the 75 cents on something healthy. Or for being impulsive. or yelling at myself for yelling at myself. It's all very confusing and dramatic and I'd just really like some pizza delivered and lay on the floor until I die.
...but then I'd probably yell at myself for ordering pizza when I have TV dinners right here.
So I think I'll just lay on the floor and wait for death to take me. Or until I decide to get up for work...
This is what we call a bad day. and I don't foresee it getting any better in the... four hours I have left to stay awake.
Thank the Lord I haven't cursed anyone directly with my care and maintainence. I just loathe everything today. I hate me, I hate food, and money, and my car, and the sky and the moon, the heat, the cold, my wardrobe, my skin, my hair, my teeth, my fingers, my face, i hate you, I hate them, I hate everything.
but mostly me.
Did you know I tried to make myself feel better by going out and buying a doughnut (along with my OJ because (once again)I forgot to get it at a normal store) and all i did all the way home was yell at myself for not spending the 75 cents on something healthy. Or for being impulsive. or yelling at myself for yelling at myself. It's all very confusing and dramatic and I'd just really like some pizza delivered and lay on the floor until I die.
...but then I'd probably yell at myself for ordering pizza when I have TV dinners right here.
So I think I'll just lay on the floor and wait for death to take me. Or until I decide to get up for work...
doshiyo?
What should I do?
There a person who won’t listen to me. So I tried something mean (that’s killing me)- ignoring him. I would think blocking him would be worse. But everyday he sends me an IM, hoping I’ll reply. If I do, what would I say? The truth is, I don’t like talking to him and I don’t see any reason why he likes talking to me. I don’t like to be nagged and guilted every four seconds to come see him in SanDiego (which is a point I made). He is nice to a point, but not anything particularly kind or interesting or creative have I heard from him. I thought that when normal people make friends, that things wax and wane naturally. But when I get into it with people lately, all it ever seems to do it wax and wax and the build up is choking me. I’m lucky I guess. It’s a nice way to die. I just remembered- he asked a few weeks ago about why I thought we’d be a bad match and I gave him a list! At least 10 good reasons, for each of which he tried to counter. Dude, if one of us isn’t feeling it, why fight? I don’t want to go on. I can’t believe I said all that and he’s still on it. After a week of silence, please GIVE UP. I don’t want to be mean anymore. X.x
The world deserves someone who thinks a lot less than I do. I think the right kind of person for me is just as smart, but calmer. I envisioned that this morning, flailing about in confusion and suddenly someone calmly wrapping their arms around me, pinning me in place! It was magic.
*Edit* I broke down and told him what was on my mind. I’m always amazed at the way I can say things I really mean, but with tact in the heat of the moment. My brain goes double time and I still end up sounding kind. I think he went from furious to friendly in like 2.4 seconds flat. Is this bad or good?
*Edit 2*Ever have one of those days where you just hate yourself?
I’m not saying this was always or will always be true, but really- as I am now, I help no one. A consuming beast I think. A waste of space. Honestly. If I didn’t think this would all end at some point anyway, having learned my lesson, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know what I going to do right now either. All I can really hope for is an Indiana Jones; take away the problem, and replace it with something of similar weight too quickly to notice the pain.
*addition 3 I guess* since I haven’t really posted this yet, I can call them edits can I?
Um…day fail. For sure.
But it’s nice to be talking again. I really missed it.
[real edit 1] wow. that made it worse. haha, if it didn't already, this week is going to suck.
There a person who won’t listen to me. So I tried something mean (that’s killing me)- ignoring him. I would think blocking him would be worse. But everyday he sends me an IM, hoping I’ll reply. If I do, what would I say? The truth is, I don’t like talking to him and I don’t see any reason why he likes talking to me. I don’t like to be nagged and guilted every four seconds to come see him in SanDiego (which is a point I made). He is nice to a point, but not anything particularly kind or interesting or creative have I heard from him. I thought that when normal people make friends, that things wax and wane naturally. But when I get into it with people lately, all it ever seems to do it wax and wax and the build up is choking me. I’m lucky I guess. It’s a nice way to die. I just remembered- he asked a few weeks ago about why I thought we’d be a bad match and I gave him a list! At least 10 good reasons, for each of which he tried to counter. Dude, if one of us isn’t feeling it, why fight? I don’t want to go on. I can’t believe I said all that and he’s still on it. After a week of silence, please GIVE UP. I don’t want to be mean anymore. X.x
The world deserves someone who thinks a lot less than I do. I think the right kind of person for me is just as smart, but calmer. I envisioned that this morning, flailing about in confusion and suddenly someone calmly wrapping their arms around me, pinning me in place! It was magic.
*Edit* I broke down and told him what was on my mind. I’m always amazed at the way I can say things I really mean, but with tact in the heat of the moment. My brain goes double time and I still end up sounding kind. I think he went from furious to friendly in like 2.4 seconds flat. Is this bad or good?
*Edit 2*Ever have one of those days where you just hate yourself?
I’m not saying this was always or will always be true, but really- as I am now, I help no one. A consuming beast I think. A waste of space. Honestly. If I didn’t think this would all end at some point anyway, having learned my lesson, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know what I going to do right now either. All I can really hope for is an Indiana Jones; take away the problem, and replace it with something of similar weight too quickly to notice the pain.
*addition 3 I guess* since I haven’t really posted this yet, I can call them edits can I?
Um…day fail. For sure.
But it’s nice to be talking again. I really missed it.
[real edit 1] wow. that made it worse. haha, if it didn't already, this week is going to suck.
Monday, August 16, 2010
better friends
Well, I feel sick.
Not sick sick I guess. Just showing symptoms. My nose is runny and it hurts, so I’ve turned into a mouth breather today. My throat is still killing me although I can be understood when I talk. But I have to clear my throat to answer the phone. My head feels stuffy and about once an hour I have one of those horrible flemmy coughs. I hope I don’t make anyone else sick.
I am pretty proud of myself though before I crashed last night I hung both maid dresses and yukata. Each dress is about 7 different pieces so it can be quite an ordeal.
Y’know there is a girl who thinks of me as (one of her?) her best friends, but I realize, I feel no such attachment or loyalty. In fact, she kinda bugs me. She is a convert to the church and has it all. She goes where she wants, she picks up work when and where she likes, she travels the world and make tons of money doing…nothing. She has no marketable skills and isn’t a very reasonable or tempered young lady with communication skills. She’s one of those beautiful brunet girls with black cars and nice stereos she doesn’t know how to work. She loves sushi and movies and always bugs me to hang out with her when ever she is in town.
What really bothers me, is that every time she IMs me (at lightning speed I might add), she asks me if anything new is going on. I have to say no.
Do I still have that job?
Yes.
How is it going?
It sucks, still.
Oh and how is that movie thing?
It failed- a long time ago.
Oh….well I was in Bali last week. I was thinking about becoming a script editor and my old boss magically set up a date where I could shadow one of the top producers in LA and so I wanted to know if you want to go out and get SUSHI?! Oh yeah, and I dumped my latest boyfriend. He was just too in love with me. I mean, seriously, who gives out diamond earrings on a first date after meeting on the internet? He wasn’t hot enough anyway.
Now she’s living in Sandiego after having toured Switzerland but she has no job but dating a wonderful guy. I realize what I’m saying sounds really shallow. Being jealous of someone who is more carefree and naturally successful with limited to no work is a classic failing and to feel like she’s rubbing her lifestyle into my face every time we talk would be a fallacy too. But have you ever had a friend like that?
Oi, I’m feeling sicker….
Not sick sick I guess. Just showing symptoms. My nose is runny and it hurts, so I’ve turned into a mouth breather today. My throat is still killing me although I can be understood when I talk. But I have to clear my throat to answer the phone. My head feels stuffy and about once an hour I have one of those horrible flemmy coughs. I hope I don’t make anyone else sick.
I am pretty proud of myself though before I crashed last night I hung both maid dresses and yukata. Each dress is about 7 different pieces so it can be quite an ordeal.
Y’know there is a girl who thinks of me as (one of her?) her best friends, but I realize, I feel no such attachment or loyalty. In fact, she kinda bugs me. She is a convert to the church and has it all. She goes where she wants, she picks up work when and where she likes, she travels the world and make tons of money doing…nothing. She has no marketable skills and isn’t a very reasonable or tempered young lady with communication skills. She’s one of those beautiful brunet girls with black cars and nice stereos she doesn’t know how to work. She loves sushi and movies and always bugs me to hang out with her when ever she is in town.
What really bothers me, is that every time she IMs me (at lightning speed I might add), she asks me if anything new is going on. I have to say no.
Do I still have that job?
Yes.
How is it going?
It sucks, still.
Oh and how is that movie thing?
It failed- a long time ago.
Oh….well I was in Bali last week. I was thinking about becoming a script editor and my old boss magically set up a date where I could shadow one of the top producers in LA and so I wanted to know if you want to go out and get SUSHI?! Oh yeah, and I dumped my latest boyfriend. He was just too in love with me. I mean, seriously, who gives out diamond earrings on a first date after meeting on the internet? He wasn’t hot enough anyway.
Now she’s living in Sandiego after having toured Switzerland but she has no job but dating a wonderful guy. I realize what I’m saying sounds really shallow. Being jealous of someone who is more carefree and naturally successful with limited to no work is a classic failing and to feel like she’s rubbing her lifestyle into my face every time we talk would be a fallacy too. But have you ever had a friend like that?
Oi, I’m feeling sicker….
Thursday, August 12, 2010
shooting stars
Depressing truth because I’m in a slightly morose mood today: I don’t really like shooting stars. They are pretty for sure, but I never see them in time and when I do, it feels too short.
When I try to wish, my mind is blank, and they never come true anyway.
So I don’t really like them.
When I try to wish, my mind is blank, and they never come true anyway.
So I don’t really like them.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Bumbling- cute or stupid?
OK I feel like writing. Let’s see how far I can get before I say something I don’t want public.
Kisses are strange aren’t they? I mean just straight lip-lip action. I don’t know if I’m any good at it- you can hear someone tell you so, but maybe it’s just fun. Lol. But who ever came up with that idea of putting your mouth on someone else’s? It’s not super obvious. I mean, if you had not heard about it and seen in since you were born, would you have the inclination, understanding, and desire you do? I think the answer is ‘of course’. I mean, kisses have been used since the beginning of time it seems. It’s totally natural. But why is it natural? Why is it that lip contact would ‘inspire’ procreation- which IS natural. Are your lips and the strange sucking of them attached to your libido? I mean, no animals kiss- do they? I’m not saying I mind it. I’m just giving it some thought. It’s a strange experience. What about even the simplest kiss makes a body feel relaxed and happy?
I was watching the (awful) movie Notting Hill, which so many women seem to think is the epitome of romance. I don’t. But something about Hugh Grant bumbling for 20 minutes, and a random starlet actress bestowing a kiss on him makes 30 year old women fall all over themselves. Why would this ‘super beautiful’ actress who owns the world suddenly need to escape into the arms of a simple British man? Oh the agony.
Please shoot me if I ever get to be that sappy. No, I guess sappy isn’t the problem. I have my fair share of stupid swooning. But I’ve never been romanced by stupidity. Movies like The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Notting Hill just don’t do it for me. I love desperation of the heart as much as the next girl, and I do enjoy being swept off my feet by a hero (being the image-conscious control freak that I am) who makes my head spin. So where lies the difference between romance and sticky stupidity?
Some guy told me the other day that he was very insecure. I told him that was okay because I always enjoy when insecurity turns into honesty. Oh, here is a strange example- Kevin from the Office meets a girl he likes. She’s a little heavy and by no means beautiful. Kevin admits he’s sorry, ‘I’m not very good at talking to pretty girls.’ The woman obviously melts- having not been called that before. But Kevin is too stupid to really lie- he means it. To him, she is pretty. In the subsequent episode he meets her in the parking lot and says, “I’m just going to say whatever pops in my head. I think you’re very pretty. I would like to take you to dinner. Boobs.” Basically. And it worked.
Oh another stupid movie- Jack.
C’mon- really Robin Williams? Did you even do a LITTLE research about what a 10 year old is like? You’re an insult to children everywhere. Too bad your ‘family’ movie is way too mature for kids to ever see and be offended by.
Kisses are strange aren’t they? I mean just straight lip-lip action. I don’t know if I’m any good at it- you can hear someone tell you so, but maybe it’s just fun. Lol. But who ever came up with that idea of putting your mouth on someone else’s? It’s not super obvious. I mean, if you had not heard about it and seen in since you were born, would you have the inclination, understanding, and desire you do? I think the answer is ‘of course’. I mean, kisses have been used since the beginning of time it seems. It’s totally natural. But why is it natural? Why is it that lip contact would ‘inspire’ procreation- which IS natural. Are your lips and the strange sucking of them attached to your libido? I mean, no animals kiss- do they? I’m not saying I mind it. I’m just giving it some thought. It’s a strange experience. What about even the simplest kiss makes a body feel relaxed and happy?
I was watching the (awful) movie Notting Hill, which so many women seem to think is the epitome of romance. I don’t. But something about Hugh Grant bumbling for 20 minutes, and a random starlet actress bestowing a kiss on him makes 30 year old women fall all over themselves. Why would this ‘super beautiful’ actress who owns the world suddenly need to escape into the arms of a simple British man? Oh the agony.
Please shoot me if I ever get to be that sappy. No, I guess sappy isn’t the problem. I have my fair share of stupid swooning. But I’ve never been romanced by stupidity. Movies like The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Notting Hill just don’t do it for me. I love desperation of the heart as much as the next girl, and I do enjoy being swept off my feet by a hero (being the image-conscious control freak that I am) who makes my head spin. So where lies the difference between romance and sticky stupidity?
Some guy told me the other day that he was very insecure. I told him that was okay because I always enjoy when insecurity turns into honesty. Oh, here is a strange example- Kevin from the Office meets a girl he likes. She’s a little heavy and by no means beautiful. Kevin admits he’s sorry, ‘I’m not very good at talking to pretty girls.’ The woman obviously melts- having not been called that before. But Kevin is too stupid to really lie- he means it. To him, she is pretty. In the subsequent episode he meets her in the parking lot and says, “I’m just going to say whatever pops in my head. I think you’re very pretty. I would like to take you to dinner. Boobs.” Basically. And it worked.
Oh another stupid movie- Jack.
C’mon- really Robin Williams? Did you even do a LITTLE research about what a 10 year old is like? You’re an insult to children everywhere. Too bad your ‘family’ movie is way too mature for kids to ever see and be offended by.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Hate when this happens...
OW FRIK. It hurts! *gasps for breath*
So I turned someone down today. I mean, I told someone I wasn’t interested. And it hurts like a freaking sea-salt wound. Not that I regret it- it was the truth, but at the same time I feel their pain acutely. *suffer* This is what I get for possessing too much da*n empathy. OW OW OW and I apologized about a million times. It’s not like they are a bad guy- he’s nice! Really cool. But that’s what makes it worse. *limp* I’m no good at this. *wheeze*
..*die*
………..looks like he just wants to be friends. That’s a little better I think. OR IS IT?
I want beef jerky.
So I turned someone down today. I mean, I told someone I wasn’t interested. And it hurts like a freaking sea-salt wound. Not that I regret it- it was the truth, but at the same time I feel their pain acutely. *suffer* This is what I get for possessing too much da*n empathy. OW OW OW and I apologized about a million times. It’s not like they are a bad guy- he’s nice! Really cool. But that’s what makes it worse. *limp* I’m no good at this. *wheeze*
..*die*
………..looks like he just wants to be friends. That’s a little better I think. OR IS IT?
I want beef jerky.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Birthda...I can't even finish.
Hppeh deh birftday Caseh.
Seriously, if I have to hear or read the words, “Happy birthday” one more time, I might puke. Puke rainbows of course, but I’m just sick of hearing the words today. I’m going to have to respond to all my messages.
You know it really is nice to be loved. It’s weird. Everyone seemed to want to make sure I was well taken care of- a new thing for me. Normally it’s just me taking care of myself.
WARNING: the Following story is Depressing. SKIP IT if you don’t want to be disheartened about me and birthdays. For me, it is sad- but I only look back on it with a slightly bitter taste. It’s not ruining my day, I just want to record it. I put a pretty picture up to distract you.
Start of Story
I remember one birthday in Las Vegas with my mother that made me miserable. OK, in general, most holidays with that woman were pretty traumatic. This was just no exception. For some reason, did you know that it is mandatory for the birthday person to get exactly what they want the entire day and that by law, you must demand to eat at your favorite restaurant? It’s true. My mother made me aware of this fact by forcing me to sit on her bed and decide where to go to dinner. I had no idea. And just as I had no preferences, she had no suggestions. She raised us to just eat anything placed in front of us and be satisfied. Any portion, any time, we should be grateful. So at the tender age of 12 or so, I had not developed any preferences on food, and I didn’t really know restaurants (particularly in Vegas) that I wanted. I tried to explain this to my mother- I didn’t care. She got upset. Very upset. I tried to plead, please don’t make me choose. I just want everyone to have a good time and I don’t want to make that choice. Please don’t make me. As the household pretended not to hear her yelling at me, they also became steadily hungrier and angrier- but silent. And every moment she spent making me feel guilty was another moment we were not eating. She harangued- how could I be doing this to the family? At that moment I would have been happier to stay home alone and eat saltines and water if only this would stop.
I hated it. It was wretched. Lol- here is the good part. I picked a place near our house called ‘Texas’ where they have barbeque and hot wings and stuff. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich because I don’t like to get my fingers dirty.
Can you believe she became upset with me right in front of the waiter about what a stupid choice it was? How I could have had that at home if that’s what I wanted?
I felt so stupid. I screwed up the mandatory dinner.
End of Story
Well, that memory anyway. Something in the back of my mind says that I should never celebrate myself.
Well the celebrations have not yet ended. Angel is being as sweet as she is and has decided to take over my evening for a birthday party. I have no idea what she wants but I hope I get to go home and change before whatever it is. I want to play games and eat noodles. And clean my room. Dag, I knew I should have done this a while back. Sa~
John says he and Angel have something for me tonight, so does Chris, and so does Aino (but I don’t know when I’ll see them). And of course Kai. This leaves very little time for me to set up my new favorite gift: my netflix account. -^^- squeeeeeeeeeee! Mah, but I’m also excited for my TB and VGL CD. <3 What more could I ask for? Oh wait! I want a nice birthday kiss too. One that says, “Thank goodness you’re alive.” Lol. I’m such a dork. Aw, quit being such a girl Casey. It’s not becoming.
You know what I just realized? I have not heard that traditional birthday song yet this year. I mean, no one has sung it to me. Weird. Is that legal?
Seriously, if I have to hear or read the words, “Happy birthday” one more time, I might puke. Puke rainbows of course, but I’m just sick of hearing the words today. I’m going to have to respond to all my messages.
You know it really is nice to be loved. It’s weird. Everyone seemed to want to make sure I was well taken care of- a new thing for me. Normally it’s just me taking care of myself.
WARNING: the Following story is Depressing. SKIP IT if you don’t want to be disheartened about me and birthdays. For me, it is sad- but I only look back on it with a slightly bitter taste. It’s not ruining my day, I just want to record it. I put a pretty picture up to distract you.
Start of Story
I remember one birthday in Las Vegas with my mother that made me miserable. OK, in general, most holidays with that woman were pretty traumatic. This was just no exception. For some reason, did you know that it is mandatory for the birthday person to get exactly what they want the entire day and that by law, you must demand to eat at your favorite restaurant? It’s true. My mother made me aware of this fact by forcing me to sit on her bed and decide where to go to dinner. I had no idea. And just as I had no preferences, she had no suggestions. She raised us to just eat anything placed in front of us and be satisfied. Any portion, any time, we should be grateful. So at the tender age of 12 or so, I had not developed any preferences on food, and I didn’t really know restaurants (particularly in Vegas) that I wanted. I tried to explain this to my mother- I didn’t care. She got upset. Very upset. I tried to plead, please don’t make me choose. I just want everyone to have a good time and I don’t want to make that choice. Please don’t make me. As the household pretended not to hear her yelling at me, they also became steadily hungrier and angrier- but silent. And every moment she spent making me feel guilty was another moment we were not eating. She harangued- how could I be doing this to the family? At that moment I would have been happier to stay home alone and eat saltines and water if only this would stop.
I hated it. It was wretched. Lol- here is the good part. I picked a place near our house called ‘Texas’ where they have barbeque and hot wings and stuff. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich because I don’t like to get my fingers dirty.
Can you believe she became upset with me right in front of the waiter about what a stupid choice it was? How I could have had that at home if that’s what I wanted?
I felt so stupid. I screwed up the mandatory dinner.
End of Story
Well, that memory anyway. Something in the back of my mind says that I should never celebrate myself.
Well the celebrations have not yet ended. Angel is being as sweet as she is and has decided to take over my evening for a birthday party. I have no idea what she wants but I hope I get to go home and change before whatever it is. I want to play games and eat noodles. And clean my room. Dag, I knew I should have done this a while back. Sa~
John says he and Angel have something for me tonight, so does Chris, and so does Aino (but I don’t know when I’ll see them). And of course Kai. This leaves very little time for me to set up my new favorite gift: my netflix account. -^^- squeeeeeeeeeee! Mah, but I’m also excited for my TB and VGL CD. <3 What more could I ask for? Oh wait! I want a nice birthday kiss too. One that says, “Thank goodness you’re alive.” Lol. I’m such a dork. Aw, quit being such a girl Casey. It’s not becoming.
You know what I just realized? I have not heard that traditional birthday song yet this year. I mean, no one has sung it to me. Weird. Is that legal?
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Videogamegasm.
Sigh. why must I always feel poor around my birthday? It’s probably because I like spending money on other people much more than myself. So when I’m faced with a situation in which I SHOULD spend on myself, I come up with excuses. And feeling poor is a powerful excuse for me.
But to be honest, the VGL concert was the best birthday present I could have given myself. I had forgotten how absolutely moving piano music can be for me. And I haven’t heard it live in so long, it was refreshing and clean like rain in the desert. Honestly, I freaked out in the stands. After each piece I stood up and cheered until I almost lost my breath. Such a pure and awesome feeling. I’m allowed that right? I mean, other people freak out about their favorite rock stars or actor. I just happen to have fallen for this one performer. Technically speaking, is his not perfect by any means. He gets too excited and hits more keys than he intended, or he’ll just miss, sometimes he speeds up or slowly down awkwardly. But it isn’t just the (DBZ-like) speed that makes him fan-frik’n-tastic. It’s the SMILE he has when he plays! He love video games! Just like me! I just feel that joy I felt during my first Mario games when I was a little girl when I listen to him. And no amount of outside drama or turmoil can take me away when I’m playing videogames. For some reason- I think they are my ultimate escape. I don’t like to play with friends- just family. When I would watch Eric. For hours on end. And that was such an awful time in my life, I gave my heart to video games. And now that I’m turning into a grown woman, it’s still an escape for me. A time of peace and thoughtless fun. Which I really don’t do very often. It’s a true vacation.
I’ve decided what I want to do for my birthday- Video games. Now, I’m sure that Lisa or Aino will figure something they want to plan for me. I’ll let them do that. But the day of my birth is a Monday. And I have FHE…dammit. But it should be a fun activity if we pull it off okay. So I’ll go. But all I want is to play videogames.
Now that I think about it, this has happened before on my birthday. When I turned 23 I went to a bowling alley alone and spent a few hours with their arcade and pacman. During one summer in Vegas with my mom all I wanted to do was play DDR- which was fine, they took me to a casino arcade…and then watched me play. It was an awful experience. All I really wanted that year was to be on my own. And then on my 24th birthday I went to San Diego and we played mini-golf, went to the beach, and dressed fancy for dinner... and then played videogames at an arcade. And then this year I want to try Dave & Busters because I love air-hockey. (Pretty good at it too if I may say so myself.)
Oh my gosh…why did I never see this pattern? Holy gun bunnies… Seriously, you’re going to laugh at me but I never noticed this before…what an idiot I am.
Maybe I am what steven accused me of- an escapist. I just don’t escape very often. maybe if I did I'd be happier?
But going back to the original point- I have a piano fixation and video game music on that ideal instrument (piano is my second favorite instrument next to the cello) is excellence to me. Pure unadulterated excellence. And even if Martin Leung isn’t a stickler- there are too many perfectionists in the world, I love him because his joy in the music makes me happy. Really happy. <3
The Video Game Pianist
But to be honest, the VGL concert was the best birthday present I could have given myself. I had forgotten how absolutely moving piano music can be for me. And I haven’t heard it live in so long, it was refreshing and clean like rain in the desert. Honestly, I freaked out in the stands. After each piece I stood up and cheered until I almost lost my breath. Such a pure and awesome feeling. I’m allowed that right? I mean, other people freak out about their favorite rock stars or actor. I just happen to have fallen for this one performer. Technically speaking, is his not perfect by any means. He gets too excited and hits more keys than he intended, or he’ll just miss, sometimes he speeds up or slowly down awkwardly. But it isn’t just the (DBZ-like) speed that makes him fan-frik’n-tastic. It’s the SMILE he has when he plays! He love video games! Just like me! I just feel that joy I felt during my first Mario games when I was a little girl when I listen to him. And no amount of outside drama or turmoil can take me away when I’m playing videogames. For some reason- I think they are my ultimate escape. I don’t like to play with friends- just family. When I would watch Eric. For hours on end. And that was such an awful time in my life, I gave my heart to video games. And now that I’m turning into a grown woman, it’s still an escape for me. A time of peace and thoughtless fun. Which I really don’t do very often. It’s a true vacation.
I’ve decided what I want to do for my birthday- Video games. Now, I’m sure that Lisa or Aino will figure something they want to plan for me. I’ll let them do that. But the day of my birth is a Monday. And I have FHE…dammit. But it should be a fun activity if we pull it off okay. So I’ll go. But all I want is to play videogames.
Now that I think about it, this has happened before on my birthday. When I turned 23 I went to a bowling alley alone and spent a few hours with their arcade and pacman. During one summer in Vegas with my mom all I wanted to do was play DDR- which was fine, they took me to a casino arcade…and then watched me play. It was an awful experience. All I really wanted that year was to be on my own. And then on my 24th birthday I went to San Diego and we played mini-golf, went to the beach, and dressed fancy for dinner... and then played videogames at an arcade. And then this year I want to try Dave & Busters because I love air-hockey. (Pretty good at it too if I may say so myself.)
Oh my gosh…why did I never see this pattern? Holy gun bunnies… Seriously, you’re going to laugh at me but I never noticed this before…what an idiot I am.
Maybe I am what steven accused me of- an escapist. I just don’t escape very often. maybe if I did I'd be happier?
But going back to the original point- I have a piano fixation and video game music on that ideal instrument (piano is my second favorite instrument next to the cello) is excellence to me. Pure unadulterated excellence. And even if Martin Leung isn’t a stickler- there are too many perfectionists in the world, I love him because his joy in the music makes me happy. Really happy. <3
The Video Game Pianist
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
indecent exposure
Okok, here is the tiny epiphany I had over the last week or so.
So I’ve discovered more people have access to this blog than I had previously anticipated. I won’t name names but after having a little more traffic on my *dating* blog I realized the two need to be separated. Like a person interested in me, I believe similarly that the awareness of *this* particular blog will wane in time.
But the dating blog I’m going to move to a new location. Just in case. That isn’t the revelation I had. It’s that… who cares? I’m actually floored- not by how many people have been following me, but indeed, how LITTLE they care. Or rather, that my being (semi) open here hasn’t really effected my personal relationships as much as I had anticipated. You know, mostly.
I still stand by the idea that I’m a much happier person believing that I’m talking to myself and that a majority of secrets are still locked up nicely in my head. But looking back, it’s not like I’m saying anything outrageous. And in truth, if it’s going to get me in real trouble, I should just keep it in my diary anyway. I’m just lazy about the time it takes to write in that thing. My handwriting speed is probably not par.
Anyway. I think I’m at a point in my life where I can easily dissect my life and be a little more content keeping it private again. I suppose this was an attempt to share without actually risking anything. Weird.
You know, in my head on Saturday I had a much more concise way to say this. I’m just trying to cram in all the exceptions I think about.
Still, a pretty meandering post.
Ok so if I’m going to be brave because of my new philosophy- ‘who cares?’ I’ll admit one exception to it. I found a nice guy. I won’t expound about how I feel or don’t feel about him because all that rubbish is moot. Point is, he found me and promptly found out every scrap of information about me available on the internet. O.o at first I was shocked. He knew about things I didn’t even remember posting about - and even today I have no idea where I put it that he would know about. It was… very skillfully done. My second reaction was unadulterated fear. If anyone knows that much about me, then there isn’t any way he’d still be interested in me- proving what a total and complete freak I am, that even (and especially) when I’m honest, I am undesirable. I’ve never been so exposed so early in getting to know someone before. You’d think this would turn into a nice story about how despite all that he’s still expressed interest but in truth- he hasn’t. Not sure if he found something he didn’t like, or maybe he found THIS blog (as private as I wish it were). But the end result is, I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I’m going to assume, as I’ve always feared, my personality scares people away. Lol
Well, for some twisted reason, I’m okay with that. Feeling okay with all that. I think.
So I’ve discovered more people have access to this blog than I had previously anticipated. I won’t name names but after having a little more traffic on my *dating* blog I realized the two need to be separated. Like a person interested in me, I believe similarly that the awareness of *this* particular blog will wane in time.
But the dating blog I’m going to move to a new location. Just in case. That isn’t the revelation I had. It’s that… who cares? I’m actually floored- not by how many people have been following me, but indeed, how LITTLE they care. Or rather, that my being (semi) open here hasn’t really effected my personal relationships as much as I had anticipated. You know, mostly.
I still stand by the idea that I’m a much happier person believing that I’m talking to myself and that a majority of secrets are still locked up nicely in my head. But looking back, it’s not like I’m saying anything outrageous. And in truth, if it’s going to get me in real trouble, I should just keep it in my diary anyway. I’m just lazy about the time it takes to write in that thing. My handwriting speed is probably not par.
Anyway. I think I’m at a point in my life where I can easily dissect my life and be a little more content keeping it private again. I suppose this was an attempt to share without actually risking anything. Weird.
You know, in my head on Saturday I had a much more concise way to say this. I’m just trying to cram in all the exceptions I think about.
Still, a pretty meandering post.
Ok so if I’m going to be brave because of my new philosophy- ‘who cares?’ I’ll admit one exception to it. I found a nice guy. I won’t expound about how I feel or don’t feel about him because all that rubbish is moot. Point is, he found me and promptly found out every scrap of information about me available on the internet. O.o at first I was shocked. He knew about things I didn’t even remember posting about - and even today I have no idea where I put it that he would know about. It was… very skillfully done. My second reaction was unadulterated fear. If anyone knows that much about me, then there isn’t any way he’d still be interested in me- proving what a total and complete freak I am, that even (and especially) when I’m honest, I am undesirable. I’ve never been so exposed so early in getting to know someone before. You’d think this would turn into a nice story about how despite all that he’s still expressed interest but in truth- he hasn’t. Not sure if he found something he didn’t like, or maybe he found THIS blog (as private as I wish it were). But the end result is, I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I’m going to assume, as I’ve always feared, my personality scares people away. Lol
Well, for some twisted reason, I’m okay with that. Feeling okay with all that. I think.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Fussy Casey
I am really annoyed tonight.
I'm thinking it's because I didn't eat soon enough and I'm blaming it on other things.
I probably should have gone out. but I wanted to try a Sunday alone. It's kinda nice. Kinda not. I wish I had gotten a little more done and my date with myself ended up being kinda pointless when I tried to take my own hand.
Anyway, I have something MUCH more profound to write about tomorrow but as for now, I'm just annoyed.
Third time this week I have an open evening, I should really stop being disappointed!
*rolls around*
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Privacy on the Internet
You’ll laugh at me. But at one point in my life I thought the internet was a private place. Yes, you heard me. Private. A place for me to escape TO. When I was in highschool, we were all too busy to be online constantly. When I was in college, I was living in Idaho where tech is not anyone’s first form of communication. I mean, everyone is RIGHT THERE. No need to IM. And it was at that time that I opened up a deviant art account and a few years later a facebook page.
I think it all ended when I met face to face with my first internet friend Aino. Yes, you heard me right, aino and I met online. Technically speaking we’ve been friends for many years but it wasn’t until we decided to make a sailor moon movie (a project that was doomed from the get-go, little did I know) that we decided to finally meet. I was frustrated with the market and she had just broken up with her fiancé. The time to meet had come.
But it did change things. Suddenly, I couldn’t maintain an online persona that was free from life experiences. I couldn’t write about having a bad day anymore without receiving a worried phone call from my darling friend. Then, in the middle of our project we joined animaid café. And they became my facebook friends. And started watching my DA. And it starts to grow… suddenly I have no idea who can see what, what people know or don’t know about me, and pictures- BAD pictures are getting tagged of me left and right! I have no control over this anymore! So where should I go to save myself? Make a new private journal somewhere? I could write anon for YEARS and never get any feedback if I don’t make it semi-public. And then if I make it open and easy to find, I find myself exposing too many insecurities to people whose opinions matter most to me.
It didn’t occur to me my little sister would see my fb status and report back to my father I had fainted from lack of food. I can’t remember when I ever published secrets about myself (like the number of times I’d been kissed or how many relationships I’ve had FOR EXAMPLE) and somehow it was found.
I guess I can’t hide anything anymore. Is this a good or a bad thing? Doesn’t mean I still won’t try to find a happy medium. I miss my old community of online peeps only and the anonymity of feelings. I can be angry (for the mess in my house left over by guests) or sad (because of a pang of loneliness) or jubilant (when my heart skips a beat for the first time) without worrying if I always sound depressed or wither someone is going to want the details of my life. How will all this effect THAT person and my relationship with them? Will THAT person be upset I didn’t confide in them right away? Is it funny enough? I swear I’m a happy person. There’s just too much to think about.
You know the thing that worries me the most? This new person has all this information…but they don’t seem phased by it. Not at all.
Well, not yet.
I think it all ended when I met face to face with my first internet friend Aino. Yes, you heard me right, aino and I met online. Technically speaking we’ve been friends for many years but it wasn’t until we decided to make a sailor moon movie (a project that was doomed from the get-go, little did I know) that we decided to finally meet. I was frustrated with the market and she had just broken up with her fiancé. The time to meet had come.
But it did change things. Suddenly, I couldn’t maintain an online persona that was free from life experiences. I couldn’t write about having a bad day anymore without receiving a worried phone call from my darling friend. Then, in the middle of our project we joined animaid café. And they became my facebook friends. And started watching my DA. And it starts to grow… suddenly I have no idea who can see what, what people know or don’t know about me, and pictures- BAD pictures are getting tagged of me left and right! I have no control over this anymore! So where should I go to save myself? Make a new private journal somewhere? I could write anon for YEARS and never get any feedback if I don’t make it semi-public. And then if I make it open and easy to find, I find myself exposing too many insecurities to people whose opinions matter most to me.
It didn’t occur to me my little sister would see my fb status and report back to my father I had fainted from lack of food. I can’t remember when I ever published secrets about myself (like the number of times I’d been kissed or how many relationships I’ve had FOR EXAMPLE) and somehow it was found.
I guess I can’t hide anything anymore. Is this a good or a bad thing? Doesn’t mean I still won’t try to find a happy medium. I miss my old community of online peeps only and the anonymity of feelings. I can be angry (for the mess in my house left over by guests) or sad (because of a pang of loneliness) or jubilant (when my heart skips a beat for the first time) without worrying if I always sound depressed or wither someone is going to want the details of my life. How will all this effect THAT person and my relationship with them? Will THAT person be upset I didn’t confide in them right away? Is it funny enough? I swear I’m a happy person. There’s just too much to think about.
You know the thing that worries me the most? This new person has all this information…but they don’t seem phased by it. Not at all.
Well, not yet.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Rubbish I'm not sleeping.
How do other people do it?
Someone left a DVD at my house. I say, you can come to get it anytime.
They say, ‘anytime you’re free.’ Already I’m suspicious.
I don’t care when.
‘OK then Tuesday when you’re not busy.’
I really don’t care. You can come get it when you want to and Tuesday’s 3 days away.
‘Do you like peach cobbler?’
What am I supposed to say to that? That’s like asking if I like engagement rings. The implication is obvious, the answer is unavoidable, and the conclusion is inevitable.
Sigh. yes I like peach cobbler.
‘GREAT then I’ll make it for you! I’ll see you Tuesday.’
Do you see the problem here? All I wanted was to let you come pick up the DVD. I’m dead tired and frustrated. I need a long hot shower, I need to buy food (I haven’t had dinner in like 3 days), and I was supposed to help with the diorama set up tonight. I have stuff to clean and I don’t feel like having someone over. But what do I say? Don’t come get your DVD? Thanks for the sweet offer but I don’t like cobbler THAT much? It’s a sweet gesture I can’t refuse.
I admit, this feel like more of the specific RUBBISH I’ve been trying to avoid. I hate refusing people and I really don’t like being at my best with people who are trying to do a good deed. And honestly, he’s not doing anything wrong, I am just so dead tired right now.
This hasn’t happened to me much before but I’ve been sleeping poorly the last few days. Just kinda tossing and turning with worry. I kinda fall asleep but not really. And I woke up just…unhappy today. Frustrated again about FHE and how no matter the planning or how many people I have on the committee, I’m always left alone with a half-baked idea. If it turns out mildly successful, it’s luck. Kenny and Victoria and Youngmee were so much better at this than I am. I feel literally retarded or too young for this position...
At the same time I’m feeling old and pathetic as this GRN job continues. My 25th birthday will not be a happy one I think. I’ve pretty much purged any love I might have received on it. I guess my father might send me flowers. If I ask him to at least. You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend on my birthday. Of course those kinds of stupid thoughts are pointless because you could make that statement about almost any event or occasion. And I don’t really know why it would matter on a person’s birthday. But Luna got engaged last week on her birthday.
I guess it’s about turning an ordinary event into an extraordinary one. And opportunity to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is just because you love them. “Ah! Their birthday is coming up! Now I can do something special for them without looking desperate. XD “ And on that note it would be great to feel like I’m progressing in life in some way despite my creaking into my 25th year.
Oh dear. I’m not depressed (as I could have said the last month or so). Just… bushed.
Someone left a DVD at my house. I say, you can come to get it anytime.
They say, ‘anytime you’re free.’ Already I’m suspicious.
I don’t care when.
‘OK then Tuesday when you’re not busy.’
I really don’t care. You can come get it when you want to and Tuesday’s 3 days away.
‘Do you like peach cobbler?’
What am I supposed to say to that? That’s like asking if I like engagement rings. The implication is obvious, the answer is unavoidable, and the conclusion is inevitable.
Sigh. yes I like peach cobbler.
‘GREAT then I’ll make it for you! I’ll see you Tuesday.’
Do you see the problem here? All I wanted was to let you come pick up the DVD. I’m dead tired and frustrated. I need a long hot shower, I need to buy food (I haven’t had dinner in like 3 days), and I was supposed to help with the diorama set up tonight. I have stuff to clean and I don’t feel like having someone over. But what do I say? Don’t come get your DVD? Thanks for the sweet offer but I don’t like cobbler THAT much? It’s a sweet gesture I can’t refuse.
I admit, this feel like more of the specific RUBBISH I’ve been trying to avoid. I hate refusing people and I really don’t like being at my best with people who are trying to do a good deed. And honestly, he’s not doing anything wrong, I am just so dead tired right now.
This hasn’t happened to me much before but I’ve been sleeping poorly the last few days. Just kinda tossing and turning with worry. I kinda fall asleep but not really. And I woke up just…unhappy today. Frustrated again about FHE and how no matter the planning or how many people I have on the committee, I’m always left alone with a half-baked idea. If it turns out mildly successful, it’s luck. Kenny and Victoria and Youngmee were so much better at this than I am. I feel literally retarded or too young for this position...
At the same time I’m feeling old and pathetic as this GRN job continues. My 25th birthday will not be a happy one I think. I’ve pretty much purged any love I might have received on it. I guess my father might send me flowers. If I ask him to at least. You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend on my birthday. Of course those kinds of stupid thoughts are pointless because you could make that statement about almost any event or occasion. And I don’t really know why it would matter on a person’s birthday. But Luna got engaged last week on her birthday.
I guess it’s about turning an ordinary event into an extraordinary one. And opportunity to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is just because you love them. “Ah! Their birthday is coming up! Now I can do something special for them without looking desperate. XD “ And on that note it would be great to feel like I’m progressing in life in some way despite my creaking into my 25th year.
Oh dear. I’m not depressed (as I could have said the last month or so). Just… bushed.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Dispite being thin...
(warning, picture heavy)
mmmm…
I have a lot on my mind. But I’d like to avoid all that for a second. I mean, I COULD write a convoluted message about how I’m feeling this way or that and I’m worried about you and me, and what should I do to rid myself of these feelings or something. But today I’m thinking straight forward. If I try to write about this stuff without giving anything away, I’ll likely fail. And I’ll end up saying things I really mean that I shouldn’t. Lol. Image control always. Besides, I know how I’m feeling and I don’t feel the need to see it in print just yet.
Lol. I don’t like pictures of myself. Someone once called Sarah Jessica Parker how I feel about myself- Hot body, weird face. Okay, well I don’t feel like I have a hot body but I can concede to some compliments, like I know I’m thin and have long legs. Can’t help that. But what I also can’t help is my weird face. How anyone considers kissing me I’ll never know. I guess that’s why they close their eyes when they come near. Lol
Sooo I saw some pictures of myself in a Sexy robin costume. I was so incredibly uncomfortable in that costume- but mostly because I was with a group of strangers, none of whom were offering much reassurance. And even after the pictures came out, It obvious I couldn’t be sexy for people who I don’t know. I can be sexy in private, but this was a fail because now when my friends take a look at them (and btw I’m not spreading them any farther than it has to go (with one exception)) they will think I can’t be sexy at all. In the end, I conclude I’m a poor model.
They are selling it
Blog post about it
Samples they didn't use that prove my point.
And btw I think that batgirl is gay...
I also got back pictures from the cosplay shoot of Akita Neru. There should be more to come from john, but Gilbert finished his fast and they are now on display. Observation 1- aino really is good at this. 2- maybe I really should look into fake eyelashes. O.o 3- my face is too long for most characters. 4- I could have committed to the expressions more but I was (ONCE AGAIN) nervous and screwed it up. 5-I really shouldn’t cosplay. I might have the body for it, but not the face to match any character like chiyo. I’ll always be Casey.
To me, they looked like a professional woman who wanted a day of play and dressed up in her employees (actors) clothes. Lol “Oh director, take off that wig it’s time to shoot the REAL players!” Meh. I won’t stop, I’m in too deep. But I’ll keep my expectations low and pick cosplays that match me more closely. Or ones that wears masks, you know, whatever.
Gilbert's album
mmmm…
I have a lot on my mind. But I’d like to avoid all that for a second. I mean, I COULD write a convoluted message about how I’m feeling this way or that and I’m worried about you and me, and what should I do to rid myself of these feelings or something. But today I’m thinking straight forward. If I try to write about this stuff without giving anything away, I’ll likely fail. And I’ll end up saying things I really mean that I shouldn’t. Lol. Image control always. Besides, I know how I’m feeling and I don’t feel the need to see it in print just yet.
Lol. I don’t like pictures of myself. Someone once called Sarah Jessica Parker how I feel about myself- Hot body, weird face. Okay, well I don’t feel like I have a hot body but I can concede to some compliments, like I know I’m thin and have long legs. Can’t help that. But what I also can’t help is my weird face. How anyone considers kissing me I’ll never know. I guess that’s why they close their eyes when they come near. Lol
Sooo I saw some pictures of myself in a Sexy robin costume. I was so incredibly uncomfortable in that costume- but mostly because I was with a group of strangers, none of whom were offering much reassurance. And even after the pictures came out, It obvious I couldn’t be sexy for people who I don’t know. I can be sexy in private, but this was a fail because now when my friends take a look at them (and btw I’m not spreading them any farther than it has to go (with one exception)) they will think I can’t be sexy at all. In the end, I conclude I’m a poor model.
They are selling it
Blog post about it
Samples they didn't use that prove my point.
And btw I think that batgirl is gay...
I also got back pictures from the cosplay shoot of Akita Neru. There should be more to come from john, but Gilbert finished his fast and they are now on display. Observation 1- aino really is good at this. 2- maybe I really should look into fake eyelashes. O.o 3- my face is too long for most characters. 4- I could have committed to the expressions more but I was (ONCE AGAIN) nervous and screwed it up. 5-I really shouldn’t cosplay. I might have the body for it, but not the face to match any character like chiyo. I’ll always be Casey.
To me, they looked like a professional woman who wanted a day of play and dressed up in her employees (actors) clothes. Lol “Oh director, take off that wig it’s time to shoot the REAL players!” Meh. I won’t stop, I’m in too deep. But I’ll keep my expectations low and pick cosplays that match me more closely. Or ones that wears masks, you know, whatever.
Gilbert's album
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