Cole Mine Date

First up, I'm a bitch sometimes and I know it. Strike me dead. 


I'm a snot. I'm a pain. I'm an intellectual snob. I "tend to spend time on ideas and projects devoid of practical value. . .but replete with entertaining possibilities." There was a time I got into a vicious fight with a roommate I didn't care for because I involuntarily sneered whenever she said something stupid. I used to think to myself that if I could hear what she was thinking, all I'd get was elevator music. I have since learned to curb the outward showing of distain and also gather more charity for people who don't think like me. But every so often that biting monster creeps out and strains against my mental leash. I must be tired because all the drive home I kept telling myself DOWN BOY. But now I'm in my private blog I can say whatever I want. 


Now that that's admitted I want to show a great example of why I'm such a bitch. Because I consider the date I went on just now a total waste of time. I knew I didn't want to go. There were a ton of other things I would rather have been doing. But this guy has been hinting and inviting and persuing me for some 4 years. Finally, I gave in and told him a random date that I  thought I wouldn't have anything else planned. Why is it that directly after setting the date, a million other things I really wanted to do popped up? I know I'm not interested in this guy. Worse, I think to spend any time with him intimately or alone is a waste of my time. Maybe not his time- because he so very much enjoys me. But this kind of person....bugs me. It's the kind of person who has three reining attributes. The first is, they are not very astute, bright, unique, kind, interesting, talented, or particularly outstanding in any way- but they THINK they are. (BUT LAWZY WHO AM I TO SAY A PERSON IS NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS? I'M NOT THE SIMON COWELL OF A PERSON'S WORTH. BITCH.) Second, they think that their "novel" world view gives them the right (NAY THE DUTY) to analyze and criticize me. And thirdly, they tend to REALLY LIKE spending time with me. You know, I might go far as to say because they like me and I'm different (but not better) than them, they love to criticize me. Why would I enjoy that? WHY? WHY DO I AGREE TO THIS? I can't hate to have to sit there and take whatever pious judgement they make with patience- because I swear I always try to. Try to take in their appraisal as a valued opinion from a peer but sometimes... it can be so hard to listen dispassionately. 


But you can already tell something is wrong with this particular person because you'd think after 4 years of my being too busy to hang out, they'd get it through their skull that I'm not interested. I'm not interested. I'M NOT INTERESTED. So when he started the date off by telling me I seem more open though text but very disingenuous (I came up with that word for him) face to face. Is that some kind of compliment that I just don't understand? Let me enlighten you buddy. I seem that way because maybe I don't want to be here but I'm trying to be nice and enjoy myself anyway. Saying stuff like that doesn't make me want to be more 'real' with you. It makes me want to slug you and go to the movies with my friends. Three times in this evening he went back again to something I had done wrong. The way I talk is too matter-of-fact (maybe because you're wrong (which, by the way, he admitted prior to the debate)), I don't make him nervous (YEAH RIGHT) but there is something about me that makes him thiiiiink too much (DOI DOI DOI DOI DOI), I'm too closed off with my arms crossed (because every time you put me down to make yourself feel smarter and holier, I want to be here less and less.)


 I tried to explain this but I'm pretty sure it went right over his head. I think this because at the end of my explaination, he agreed with me. I think I lost him somewhere in the middle and he realized there would be no way of arguing himself out of this paper bag. What I wrote here might not make much sense but I'm too frenzied right now to go back and clear it up.


I paid for the meal. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty about being genuinely bugged. It really ticks me off when these self-important psudo intellectuals take it upon themselves to fix me. So why is it, if there is SO MUCH that's wrong with me, do they keep talking to me? Why after all this did he invite me back to his place? (I turned him down btw.)  I feel like my unique personality is being used for his personal enteratinment. I am not a game or a puzzle or your chance at feeling smarter than you are.  To me, you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Stop pretending. Buuuuuuuut I'm a NICE girl who would neeeeeever tell someone I don't enjoy being with them because they're an IDIOT. The closest thing I got is to tell him that being with 'people' is draining to me. Being with humanity IS draining. But being with the right person is like a hawaii vacation. 


You, sir, are like the cole mines. 


Oh my gosh, I am a total snot. I'll never get into heaven. For even thinking this blog entry, I prove to be a bad person with a lot of charity left to learn. So I'm going to post it as an example of something I need to change...


Please forgive me for this.

so new

Answer- Yes.

Why am I getting hits from Russia? This dang blogger tells me no helpful stats. s'cept I'm alone. XD


... so new? -_-

Hearing Voices

I can hear voices in my head. At this moment I can easily recall with perfect clarity Lisa, Cynthia, Eric, Mommy, Jeremy, Tanpopo, Phillip, Hua, Preecha, Tim, Leonard, stephen, Kai, kenny, aino, john, kchan, mikan, Karen, Masato, Alincia, Whitney, Chris, Eugene, Taylor, Sam, Gilbert, Mio...

On and on and on. I just realized this. I just went through all these people and more and i an hear them all. I can even make them say what I want to hear, even though they've probably never said it. 

Get up fool

wake up mama

vbabe, it's morning

casey, it's 11.

I think it's time to wake up now

good morning sweetheart.

I miss you. Come see me.

I'm without meds for the next four days. Am I going insane?

what doesn't kill you

I dunno.
But I'm up at 2:30.
I have a lot of things to say but some of them aren't ripe yet and other have rotted off the tree. Such old and repetitive news shouldn't mar these posts. Some other things are so private, they should only be documented and kept secret by the most intense means: My own handwriting. Let's see... what's safe?

I miss Jeremy. I know I've been far too busy to chat with him like we used to. It bothers me that I seem to be missing a major puzzle piece in the seemingly monumental moment of his life. I wonder if it's because I've been so busy? Or is something wrong? or is he worried and doesn't want to think about it? I'm worried about him but there isn't anything I can do. Plus, I'm kinda tired of having to drag details out of him. It's like pulling teeth sometimes.

I was talking to Tim today and was reminded again why I should find more friends who appreciate me for just being myself. If you want to talk about exhaustion, try adjusting your personality for everyone's tastes. Frankly, it can make being a maid difficult at times. Crushed between two expectations.

But tonight I had dinner with Mackenzie whom I missed greatly these past few months. I told her offhandedly that I was too dramatic and was working very hard not to be so. But she immediately corrected me with words I wish I could recall more precisely. She told me that I *was* expressive and enthusiastic. But, she said, I was not unrealistic or over dramatic (she put her wrist to her head and pretended to faint- which made me laugh.)  She likes that I enjoy life and want to express myself.

Even though we were in a restaurant, it almost made me want to cry.


...During the time that I wrote this entry I've been chatting with an old lost friend who just saw my fb for the first time in about a year. "you weren't kidding, you did lose weight...crazy thing is you weren't even overweight before but you still look so different..."

...sigh. : / what am I going to do?

Out of Character

I'll admit it because I should that I did something bad not too long ago and I'm trying to repent. It puts a heavy cloud over every day when you carry that burden. I thought about telling someone today but then I realized they probably wouldn't understand. So I'm keeping it to myself.

For some reason, it's swung open the door for a lot of other out-of-character things. Even just the thoughts in my head. All the images floating around up there have intensified. Yesterday (Valentines Day of course) I surprised myself with an impressive stream of profanities I didn't know I knew. It came so naturally to me. And although I didn't give in to the idea of smashing the heavy glass in my hands, the thought came across my mind as entirely possible.

On top of that, today I've had the strongest urge to visit Phaze Bar again. Go in a short skirt and sit alone at the bar or make conversation with a stranger - free from feelings of responsibility and inhibitions. But while that's not completely new- nor is the idea of slipping on my black wig and fake nose ring going dancing incognito.

Strangest of all is my sudden fixation on basketball. And I swear I almost stopped to buy sneakers so I can go running more comfortably. Since when have I EVER run? Or been at all interested in sports?

Long story short about valentines day- Even if it wasn't the holiday of love, anyone would have had a bad day going through all I did. The fact that I started out excited just made it worse. One thing I have always really wished I could change about myself is my propensity to tears. I hate crying. It's painful to do. Yesterday, when I was told the plans I had been looking forward to as a salvation all day were canceled, I got such big FAT tears that I didn't bother wiping them away. I think I got away with it not screwing with my makeup. At least, I don't think the delivery guy noticed. But Harajuku Girls says it's okay to cry, just as long as you don't do it in public. So maybe i'll make that my new moto.

Clowns & Goths

Lately, I’ve been trying hard to stop dating people outside the church. That seems like the smart thing to do since I keep getting into trouble when I don’t. However, my success in that area has not been… much. But I know the basic logics of dating include that there is a good chance you’ll date someone from among the group of people with whom you hang out with. Ie: If you hang out in at the circus, the likelihood you’ll end up dating a clown instead of a goth goes up. So I’ve been hanging out less and less with my otaku friends and… well Mormons don’t really ‘hang out’. Or at least I don’t. With them.

It turns out a big group of my new church friends went to the ArtWalk and dinner last night. I didn’t know about it until I saw the mass number of photos the next day. First thing I did was go through all the photos, expressing probably more excitement than necessary about how nice everyone looked and the skill of the photographer. Probably to reassure myself that it’s fine. I had to remind myself- I wasn’t unhappy last night hanging out at home alone again. So, I shouldn’t feel sad.

I position myself as a unique and independent person- which I am. I’m not sporty or spontaneous or wild more than I like being at home. I get nervous around kids my age that I don’t know very well. So the unintended consequence of people not thinking to invite me, is my fault. Lol. I don’t blame them at all- just the opposite, I like some of these people very much and I’ve heard the ArtWalk is awesome!

Despite that, I can’t help but feel the slender fear of abandonment in the back of my heart. It’s almost a heavy sentiment. My instinct is to imagine how I should act around these people when I see them again or to wonder what I could do differently or say to put myself in a place where I feel accepted and comfortable again. Maybe FIND myself a place. Or MAKE myself a place. But I’m no good at that stuff. If I were, I wouldn’t already be here. Ultimately, I need to learn to be satisfied with myself and my insecurities.

Yet, I hope this feeling goes away soon… and before it does, I hope I don’t expose myself by saying or doing anything dumb.

Music..... Musings......Today

I was in the car listening to Jim Svejda compare versions of the Fidelio Opera (in that high, holier-than-thou voice that you think people only use on their private yachts). It was right after my favorite show 'From the Top' and he started in on the way each conductor handled the singers different approaches to the fiercely difficult arias. And it was fun. :) Fun to learn and hear the differnces. Who was strong and who sounded like they were struggling. He unabashedly pointed out which of the singers clearly flattened them all. At one point he even said, "while this young singer throughout this peice was impressive... MOST of the time..." and from him it sounded like the worst possible insult. To be impressive only MOST of the time.

I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone I can share things like this with. Of course, I dont go around telling people I love Opera or even classical music. Because if someone said they agreed, I wouldn't know what to say. What's my favorite Opera? I don't know. Or favorite singer? I have no clue of their names. I just know that I like it. I have too little an edcuation. So how would I even begin to share?

Museums are the same way. I go and I love, but I rarely learn much except when I attend with a more educated person, like my father. The day we spent in New York's Natural History Museum was one of the best in my life. For that reason I miss school. I miss the learning.

Listening to the radio today made me think of Hua, for his knowledge and taste. And it made me think of one of the few dripping romantic movies I enjoy (even though I don't agree with the way they got to the premise)- Moonstruck. Which is a favorite of my mother's for probably for the same reason she love Anna Karenina (BLEH). So it made me think of my mother too.

But mostly this day was full of music. I'm the new Ward Music Chair and I like that people are excited to donate their talents. I want to put on a beautiful Easter Program and surprise the ward with elegant peices during church and strong Choir numbers once a month, and even start a program from improving organ playing. I hope to fulfill these things because... I think I can. Or I've been given enough gifts to do it. I do love music. Music, well done. Well sung. Well played.


ps. I bore my testimony today and it was full of happiness. I had compliment after compliment afterwards- even from people I was sure didn't like me very much. They seemed touched and that really all I ask for. If I have the ability to speak for others well, then I want to do it. For what can be better than a beautiful thought, than a beautiful thought well expressed?

pps. Took a really tough quiz today- I am 31% Ravenclaw, 17% Gryf, and 25% huffle and 25% Slyther. Man, I always knew I was a Ravenclaw but who would have thought I was such a coward?

Kamekaze Happiness

Heehee~
Some things just make you happy~
You know what made me happy tonight? I know I liked Kamekaze Girls when I saw it with my friends two years ago some Hotel Venus night after AX 2010, but getting it again and giving it my full attention, here- alone in my room with the space heater on my feet and 98 grams of Dryers mint chocolate chip Ice Cream, I sat on my fluffy new bedspread feeling healthier and happy. I laughed out loud at the parts I liked, and I even cried when Ichigo did. I can't imagine anyone understanding it or loving it the same way I do. Sharing might inhibit freedom of feeling.

I like Ichigo and Momoko. I understand them perfectly. I feel like I have them both in me. And I understand their friendship. I hardly notice that it's in Japanese. But any American I know would probably be thrown off by the styles or the culture. But I get it, so I feel connected to the world.

Do you know what I wish I could do? I wish I could make an art piece as beautiful as the one I saw drawn today to commemorate this feeling. So when I look at my work, I remember this happiness. This contentment. Because beyond my laptop, there is no mess and no hurt feelings. No obligations beyond what I care to do.

But if I started an art piece now, my mind would eventually depress itself with too much time and not enough sanity. So I should sleep while the feeling still lingers.

The girl never brought the cake... i wonder if I missed her. Oh well... bed...

Grounded

I still feel under the weather but getting better. ANd I still feel remorseful and lonesome but I can't always be focused on that. It would take up too much room. 'scuse me I gotta blow my nose....

Suddenly!

I really like my unbirthday. Who knows why, I never do anything to celebrate it.

I'm just excited to get older. But what can I say? For some reason I like that it's on Groundhogs day. I like that it's in February. I like wearing this black ribbon in my hair. Like I'm a gift. For myself. Also, it was the only time in school that I could celebrate by bringing cupcakes to class.  But inevitably, in every school I went to, it was someone's REAL birthday that day and I didn't want to spoil it for them. Except one year... Once I did and personalize each cupcake I decorated with the names and (somewhat) likeness of their faces. My best friend got upset with me... because the... face wasn't... I can't remmeber. I think i accidentally gave the 'best friend' one to the wrong girl...

I just... this is going to sound weird. But my two brothers and I have blocked out the same two years of our lives. 1994-1995. What we have heard were the (some of) worst two in our parents divorce. None of us can remember anything from that time... As I grow up, I will be talking and suddenly memories like that come back to me. Some are light like that one. Some are excruciating and I wish that I hadn't. The kind of small memories that dig up feelings of wanting to do a harm to myself. Even simple ones like eating Sun Chips. I like them, but I'll never eat another one as long as I live.

Anyway, that memory about cupcakes- that's a new one. and I don't like it for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe thats why I don't do anything to celebrate it?

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

- Theodore Roosevelt (1910)