I saw a couple today

Coming back from lunch today I saw something cute from my car while at a red light.
A boy and girl (highschoolers?) were walking down the sidewalk away from me. I thought, "They're walking so close...shouldn't they be holding hands?" When sure enough, the boy, who was a head taller than her, looked up into her face hopefully, and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't miss a beat in her walking but she brought up her hand to his. He seemed so happy about this that he leaned down and kissed her. I mean, from where I was, I can only guess he kissed her, he kinda smushed his face into hers as they walked, drawing her close with his arm around her shoulder..

After that, he reached down and they held hands. And the light turned green. But before I drove away I saw them swinging their entwined hands like children and even from where I was I could tell- that guy was crazy about that girl. I don't know how she felt about him really- she's playing it cool. But even from behind I swear I could see his goofy grin and hear him thinking how lucky he was to have this hot girl on his arm. It's like he'd been thinking about her for a long time and finally she was his.

Honestly, it was only a few seconds, and I had a lot of other much more important things happen to me today. but that moment, for some reason, really stood out to me. I hope I don't forget it. And I hope that girl knows how lucky she is too.

Post-Thanks.

Remind me never to leave home that late again. Every time I think it will be okay if I just spend ooooone more little tiny hour with them- usually my parents around the breakfast table, and it’s a mistake. Someone please remind me about LA Traffic! I spend to much time away and I forget how scary the grapevine can be at night, and how bumper to bumper traffic can drive you stir crazy worse than spending the same amount of time speeding at 80 mph. Casey, please remember- when you leave late, you don’t just arrive late- IT ADDS ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF. Ug. It just wastes me. I totally missed church. Which is fine. After vacation I don’t want to see anyone anyway.

But Eric came over late night and taught Cynthia and me. That was nice. It was a good incentive to shower, powder, and dress before zonking out around 10.

Things I learned over the weekend-
I know what I must do! I’m just scared.
I know what I have to do- I just reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to.
The test results show ADD, effecting executive motor skills, working (short term) memory loss, and learning disabilities. I overhead them say, “looking at these results, I don’t even know how she made it through college…” Nothing really new here but now I know what to write to the phyc.
I need to gain more weight
Now that I’ve lived this life for so long, the noise of my parent’s home gives me a headache.
Rusty is still being obstinate but not nearly as angry.
Eric (my brother) is not a man In his own home.
And probably other stuff But I should start work soon.

Oh how I loath being cold. I’d like to live in my car and die in 100* F in front of my heater. Something about the cold gets to my bones and

Gonna spend the break time away from AniMaid to look for a new job. Pray for me.

all emo, no substance

What am I 4?

I haven’t felt this misunderstood since I was a teen. Not that I remember being misunderstood. I just assume that I was as a teen. Or at least that I thought I was.

Seriously though. I can’t see or do anything right. Stay or go. Fight or flee. Kindness vs. For your own good. Too much of this not enough of that. I feel dirty and slovenly but so weary at the same time. It’s all natural but it’s not right. We’re friends but not really or more than acquaintances. How long do I let this go on? Can I handle all this or am I not doing enough?

And do I really have the right to be upset? That’s the worst one of all. Do I have any right to be going crazy? People have it much worse than I do. I know because I’ve had it much worse before. More substantial hurt and confusion and desperation. And compared to that, this is nothing.

But I’m still stuck clawing my way out of my own head. It’s like I’m growing, but not in the right direction. My branches feel like they’re twisting out of control and I don’t know how to stop them. How can all of this be a good thing for me? And at what point did I go wrong?

I would be happy if the answer was found in another person. That I could say, If only this would happen. Or so and so would such and such. But I have this suspicion it’s all me. Me and my failures, my misunderstanding, my loss, my mistakes.


I love my family. But I know what’s coming. Dad is going to grind me about all the things I COULD be doing but I’m not. And when he sees that I can’t/won’t because of the person I am- I’ll see the look of disappointment on his face and he’ll give up. And even though at that moment I’ll want to do more- and I always want to do more, I can’t.

It’s like rope is trying my hands into fists. And I can claw at my goals but it’s no use. I don’t like myself. So how can I plague anyone with me? It’s not fair to them. I need help so badly though. Some perspective. Some answers. Some guidance. Some directions. Some hope.

Fail at work

Fail at hobbies

Fail at love

Fail at friendship

Fail at protecting

Fail at basic self preservation

Fail at educating

Fail at improvement

Fail at goals and dreams

And I can’t even cook a DAMN box of macaroni and cheese!!! It makes me want to chuck that stupid pot across the room and rip the stove apart with my bare hands I don’t care how hot it is.

And all the people who turn my good intentions into opportunities for themselves.

Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfialfilafailafialfailfialfilfialifalifalfialfifilfifiaiifaiiilfllifialiflaififilafalifiiflaifififailliaifilafaiflafifail.


Just as a matter of record, I’m going home for thanksgiving alone. Lol fail again.
and that's all the story you're going to get out of me. the more I say, the more foder you have to lecture me about how stupid I am.

whatever morning.

Whatever.

That’s my attitude today.
I missed the last minute party last night? Whatever.
I can’t defeat the final boss? Whatever.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Whatever.
I didn’t hang my maid dress? Whatever.
You disagree with me? Whatever.
I don’t have enough bread? Whatever.
Jerk corrects my spelling? Whatever.
So the English language is too weird for you? Whatever.
The maids don’t show up for work? Whatever.
The new MAX/AM2 logo looks like blue sperm and everyone is going to pronounce it AM-squared? Whatever. It’s like, “Morning squared?” Whatever.
I’m wrong again? WHATEVER.
I show up for work too early? Whatever.
Working independently is worthless again? Whatever.
I know you’re trying to help but you can’t say "haul ass" and "Take it easy on yourself" as advice in the same hour! Make up your mind!!!!

My Jillaine isn’t taking a charge right now and it really is breaking my heart.
Let me explain-
What I hate most is not having time. So I postponed my Friday date because kchan said she needed me at PMX. I could kill her. I called her before I left- are you SURE you need me? “YES”
So off I go to fight the nasty Friday rush hour traffic north for an hor crawling towards PMX- and they closed the maidcafe… there I am standing in my perfectly dry cleaned uniform feeling like a total idiot and really pissed at Kchan. >/ I could have been on my date. Or saved myself the night to prep for Saturday’s panel, or at least save the gas it took to get out there. Whatever.

But the next day I don’t have enough gas to get out there. So in the middle of the drive (with aino in the car) I have to make a crazy turn around to pick some up. And on the way, I bump into someone. I give them my information and she seems unhappy about it but nice enough. My car is fine. But I’ll have to call her some time this week and deal with insurance and crap.

Skipping the millions of things that happened at PMX (including 12 maids attending PMX with only 3 showing up for work(other than me and kchan))- John seemed mad at me for some reason. I don’t know why but I let him alone for a while. But aino wanted to shoot with him so we went. Sometime that night he seemed to warm back up. I have no idea why. Whatever.

Sunday - So my Friday-date calls to me- “I saved you a seat!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well…at least it’s empty?” He sits next to some other girl.

But later he sits by me ask asks me to doodle in his book during church. I do but nothing turns out looking right. Whatever. He asks me out for Friday- I’m busy. Saturday. Fine. No wait, Tuesday instead. Because Saturday is too far away. Whatever. He has a class on Tuesday.

Now, I was going to spend tonight (Monday) skipping fhe (it’s another dating forum. Why? Whatever.) relaxing after a long con, cleaning up my maid stuff, working on the café logistics, playing videogames I’ve been neglecting and most importantly, going to get my computer fixed. But this idiot guy asks if he can change the time I go to his house to see a movie to Monday- tonight. I’m in the middle of a meeting when he asks and he’s not going away and saying, “Sorry, I want to be alone that night” in front of my friends seems lame. So I say (literally), “Fine! Whatever. GO AWAY.” He does.

But now I’m stuck going to see him when all I really want to do it get my Jillaine back…
GRRRR.

And I don’t know. I’m kinda happy when I’m with him. He’s very immature (poop jokes?) and doesn’t understand the first thing about anime (he always ends up insulting me) and frankly I’ve never been physically attracted to him. But it’s been a long time since a mormon guy liked me. And also a while since someone seemed to really have their mind set on me- despite my fighting it. And that’s nice. But I’m just not convinced I want to risk our friendship for making out. Is he worth it to add all that drama to my life? And worst of all, do I want to give up all the other avenues I’ve been investigating? If they knew I was dating someone, I’d lose a lot. Including the respect of a few girls who hate the very core of this dude- although I personally can understand, I don’t empathize. I can recognize that he can be a bit moronic. And it’s just not a good idea to start something without being sure right? I mean, shouldn’t I at least have that stupid puppy love? I have to think too much to bring myself to liking him. Or am I just thinking too much? I have no idea but it makes me dizzy. I thought all that mushy stuff was supposed to be easy.

I’ve always had this fear and I’ve said it a million times. Maybe I’m just cold hearted.

What I did NOT need today was Jeremy. >/
All I said was I hadn’t done anything much yet this morning and I was feeling un motivated. I guess I was expecting him to ask what was wrong. Apparently that’s the signal for him to start ‘rallying’ me on with quips about how pitiful I am and I have to be whipped into shape and as part of this goal I’m supposed to REPORT everything I complete in the next hour. Screw that. I logged off. I don’t need that kind of abusive bs this morning. Whatever.

So instead of working on this STUPID new assignment- I’m writing out this. Which is probably a waste of time but looking back I can understand why I’m not feeling too hot right now.

Maybe it was the brownie at 2am that kept my mind going all night…

Whatever.

fathers understand

How is it my Father knows everything? And that every time I talk to him, I feel a little better? Is that just something special fathers have? He satisfies me intellectually. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who could do that quite as thoroughly. Maybe it’s from us knowing each other so well that makes it possible for him to know what to say, or maybe I just trust him more than other people. Like I said before: when he says it’ll be Okay, I know it will be.

Mind you, he didn’t say everything would be okay. In fact, he didn’t offer any of that kind of reassurance. He just reminded me of the plan we set in place. Plus one addition, after the new year, the first thing I’m going to do- is give a 4 week notice. And by the end of the 4 weeks I must find a replacement for myself here, and if I still don’t have a job, I’m still going to leave. I know it’s smart to never leave a job without a new one lined up, but I cannot take this anymore. And how much fear of failure, the economy, and starving to death do I have to combat how much I desire to feel useful and in my beloved field again?

Man, what will I do when he dies? How can I go on living with these kinds of questions in my heart? I felt like I was going to implode this morning- curled up in my work chair. And living so far from the people who most understand me is proving to be increasingly difficult.

Lol- the funny thing is, as much as I feel refreshed on some level when I see them those few precious times I year, It’s also not fun to be going alone. No improvement from the last time I was there. That’s why I’m looking to take someone home with me again this year for thanksgiving. They don’t have to be the token boyfriend, hell, they don’t even have to be a boy. But it would be nice.

Conf. call and texts

I’d like to cry but I should wait until Howard leaves for his meeting. Then I’ll have time to fix my makeup before he comes back.

wongfu no more

So I’m despondent and sad. But more frustrated than anything. Just in a low-key sort of way. Thoughts about this job and *** keep surfacing and depress me.

I don’t know wiether I just feel lonely or horny or depressed or if this is a natural cycle of the year going by, or maybe how much I hate thanksgiving, or the call I got from my bio mother that makes me feel this way. But this wasn’t really a day different from any other. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. If I had someone I’d do what Kchan did and go over to his place and climb in bed with him to sleep. I’m sure he’d put his arms around me. I guess that’s a lot to ask.

I snapped at Howard again just as he was leaving. I started off my day reading another email from him telling me that once again, my efforts were worthless. And another day of my life has been sucked into the black hole of this job. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I think Howard is keeping my commissions from me. Or he thinks I have not earned them. I asked directly, “Are we getting paid for these?” He just kinda laughed and kept his head down. I didn’t pursue. Howard is a big man and he could crush me. I don’t want to anger him.

But today as he was leaving he asked that stupid question again, “so what are you working on?” basically letting me know he doesn’t care because my work doesn’t matter, but he’s going to be upset with me no matter what I say.

I respond, “well I need to talk to you tomorrow, I couldn’t find these competing companies- ”
“Casey! ARG, You have to tell me these things during the day where I can help you-”
I snapped and looked up at him kinda growling, “I JUST found this out and I’m sending you the work I did find this afternoon right now! If I have a problem, I’ll ask.” He backed off. But maybe he’s starting to figure out it’s not my exaughstion that’s making me look so dejected at work. If he asks I guess I’ll just have to tell him the truth- This job makes me feel worthless. Not because I don’t have enough to do, it’s that what I do doesn’t mean anything. And frankly I’m not making enough here to make it worth giving up my soul for much longer. If I can just hang on until the end of the year…

I know my house is a mess. But all I want to do is sleep right now. I should eat dinner but it would really only be prolonging my going to bed. I’m not hungry and nothing I could eat right now would be healthy. But sleep is the only escape. The problem then is that the faster I go to sleep, the sooner tomorrow is.

My computer is having problems. And it struck me yesterday I don’t know what I would do without my beloved computer. It’s hard enough not having internet but missing my poor jillaine would just be pure torture. I know I must be addicted but I don’t know what to do to help her. and frankly, between these stupid student loans and paying off my debts from previous tenants mistakes, I really can’t afford a new mac. But it kills me to think I might lose her.

Which adds to this pressure I feel at work. I don’t like being a failure and a bother.

Another thing about my job I hate, I would give almost anything to see WongFu at USC tomorrow… but there is no way I’d be able to get there. Even if I left early I don’t know the campus well enough to find the place. And in the end, I’d be alone… fangirling by myself as usual. I guess I just don’t feel like being failure at that as well.

Well an animaid meeting might be tomorrow and I’m supposed to get sushi with an old girlfriend whose PERFECT little life always makes my eyes roll out of my head. I don’t know if I could really handle her right now. I guess I should tell her I can’t.

But I also need to go into westwood. But going near all those happy social college kids isn’t helping either. Sometimes I really long to go back and be 19- but maybe in this body rather than the one I had. Youth is wasted on the young.

tired rant

I’m feeling frustrated.
I haven’t gotten enough sleep these last few days. Not for long, and not very deeply. It’s partly my fault for not going to bed in time of course. And I even had a real meal Sunday night but went to bed around 2:30. the next morning I didn’t have breakfast and I skipped dinner last night so I could hang out with new friends. Oh and I missed breakfast again this morning.

So maybe it’s just exhaustion and not just stress that’s made me this way. But I think if I wasn’t so tired I’d still be thinking about these new problems. I tend to just freak out about unfinished projects. I don’t know why. I feel light headed and feel the need to hyperventilate. Luckily, I’m too tired to do that. So it’s like some kind of faux peace.

Work is so stagnant. I’ll waste days on a project. How is it I’m not collecting on these supposed placements? I tried to ask Howard but he just laughed and brushed me off. I couldn’t have been more direct. He just chose not to answer. Does he assume I know what he’s thinking? I’m feeling so trapped here and everyone around me is growing and moving and these walls are closing on me. How can I keep doing this for much longer? I just can’t but there doesn’t seem to be a way out.

How can I pull out that microphone now? I don’t know what I’m doing. Just looking at it puts a knot in my stomach. So I put it back in the cardboard box.

This is what happens when I’m left alone I guess. But at the same time as feeling like I’m doing nothing, I’m also doing everything in the world. Every single night this week I have some place to be, someone to see. But although I know I have something on Wednesday, I can’t remember what it is and it’s driving me crazy.

Rusty won’t call me back. Dad said they haven’t talked in weeks. And even Heather is leaving him messages on Facebook to try to get him to respond. nothing. It scares me. Not even that he might be dead, I know he’s not. And although it does worry me that he might be flunking out of college (again) because he set his stupid goals too high , but what really worries me is that he’s going to drop out of our family. He’s so bitter and angry about Mom and irate when we try to help him and fuming when he tries to do it on his own and fails. He won’t talk to anyone. And I know I was not the sweetest sister growing up. I tried to control him and help him see truth. We fought a lot as kids. But that’s also because we spent a huge portion of our growing up years spending every waking moment with each other- by force, because of the divorce.

He needs counseling and I don’t know why God sends him these problems. Why won’t God help him with his organization problems? Or getting a good supportive girlfriend? Or getting a car (because he totaled his own by almost falling asleep)? Why was he sent to Utah for his mission when all he wants to do is travel? My father is doing his best to help him and Rusty keeps kicking against him like a whiney 4 year old. He’s so angry. He won’t come home for thanksgiving. And I wonder about Christmas.

Man I am so tired today.

People in the café are asking me questions- looking to me for answers and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. There are times I feel really under qualified to be taking all this on. Other times I revel in the opportunity to be working (really working hard!) on something I love at last. I’d give anything to hold on to that feeling.

I really shouldn’t talk to my parents about the café anymore though. Every time I do they always ask the same question, “Well, are they paying you yet? You mean you’re not making ANYthing on this? Be sure to get that in writing honey.”
I just want to scream at them. You don’t think I know where I am? You don’t think I feel the pressures on my time and life that the café brings? My social life, my house, and sometimes even my physical health. I know it’s not a cake walk better than they do, so I wish they’d stop chastising me. I’m trying to make it into something really worthwhile. One of those awesome success stories. The way I got into animaid was so random that it has to be a good story doesn’t it? Right?

Da*n mornings. You know I’ve had a goal to get to work on time because I’ve been slacking. So my friend and I started this thing- we call their cell phone from the office phone as soon as we get in to prove we got there on time. and if one of us is late, the punishment is we can’t talk to each other until after noon. But thanks to this new system, I’ve been running out the door like crazy and she STILL don’t get there on time. So who cares? If they can’t put in the same effort I am, then why am I calling to wake them up in the morning to make sure (Upon their request?!)

This new breakfast system isn’t working. I have to prepare the stuff the night before and I get so tired or distracted that it doesn’t get done and I go hungry the next morning. I hate health. I hate mornings. I hate my clothes. I hate my hair and this stupid job and my long nails and my little brother and my sister in law and food and time and cold weather. And if I stayed at home to ball up under my covers I’d hate myself for being a slacker. I guess I’m not a fan of me either.

I’M SO TIRED.

But one thing- even though I don’t know the first thing about baseball- I’m really happy the giants won...