Frik. I lost my journal entry for the day.
It's probably for the best. I'm just in a mood.
mdjsdoeihdea...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
On the hunt
Thoughts on my first day of job hunting:
I need to get a serious Japanese tutor so I can learn to hear and understand Japanese at the proper rate. I can get it if I have the chance to take it apart but I get so nervous when faced with a native speaker. This could be a problem.
Per my normal routine with my roommate, it may be best if I conduct my job hunt outside of home. I don't want her to worry, or be distracted. Plus, we had a good thing going on with not seeing each other ever... she just came home and I have the urge to get out.
I filed. yay. I hope it goes smoothly.
Now that I'm home all day I really do want to eat all day. which means i should start packing lunches if I intend to go out to look for work. Huzzah wi-fi btw.
3:12 and 22 applications sent.
I need to get a serious Japanese tutor so I can learn to hear and understand Japanese at the proper rate. I can get it if I have the chance to take it apart but I get so nervous when faced with a native speaker. This could be a problem.
Per my normal routine with my roommate, it may be best if I conduct my job hunt outside of home. I don't want her to worry, or be distracted. Plus, we had a good thing going on with not seeing each other ever... she just came home and I have the urge to get out.
I filed. yay. I hope it goes smoothly.
Now that I'm home all day I really do want to eat all day. which means i should start packing lunches if I intend to go out to look for work. Huzzah wi-fi btw.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My job here is done.
It had ossured to me before to do this but I never seemed to really to get the idea at the right time.
I am here late and I thought maybe I should steal some pens before I leave (Friday is my last day here). I went to the drawer that used to have a huge stack of pens in Howard's office. But when I went to dig inside I found something else.
Even though I said "sorry" in my head about a thousand times, I read it anyway. It pertained to me anyway. At least partially. On top was what will soon be an "agreement of separation" form I will be asked to sign. basicly so I can't come after howard for unemployment. I read it carefully to see if I should sign it. I'm still not sure if I should. He owes me for the placements we've made, even if the clients have not yet paid him. But under that was another file folder. It was dated for May of this year and inside was a professional recomendation concerning fileing for bankruptsy. Along the margins on one of the inside pages, Howard had scribbled, "can you file twice?"
I went through the rest of it and I found a few pathetic numbers.
and I feel guilty. I wonder if Howard has ever cried about this and then come to work the next day and had to look at me. the girl he's paying who right under his nose is running a completly separate business that's also failing. So it seems like I let down everyone.
from a logical standpoint I could say that it was his call to keep me when I wasn't turning in the numbers he wanted. If he thought that my work wasn't worth the pay, he shold have let me go. ALthough now I can see perfectly why he snubbed me on spiffs. how could he afford to lose even a little bit? I could also say that I'm not very good at recruiting. Even if it's only because my extreme distaste for it makes me a bad employee. After 3 years, I cannot muster enough motivation to get out all that a human could in one day. No matter the goal. But even when I really was giving it my all, staying up all night, making the calls I loathed, embarassing myself night after night for weeks, I was so burned out... when the company dropped us and all my work was to pot, I lost whatever motivation kept me here.
Such a tiny percentage of what work we do here bares fruit that it's an incredably discouraging job. But no one knows that better than Howard. He's a salesman and he thrives on the hard work. so i guess he wanted to try this... and I just couldn't help him. He put his money on the wrong person I guess. Literally.
He seems happier these days. I really prefer that. and I'm happier too. I wonder if the bussiness is picking up or he's finding out that bankrupsy will let him keep his house?
Where as in my case, I thought I was having a coniption over wiether I should go out to lunch or try to save what I can before becomeing 'funemployeed'. I worry. Too much? Not enough to make me go go go?
So what should I do? I think instead of applying for 'unemployement' (which I think I could get), maybe It'd be easier to just offer my services on a commission only basis, and in my spare time I'll pull names for Howard. I dunno, you think he'd do it? At least then I could keep my cb and li acess for my own job hunting needs (little useful though they are to it.)
Did I put this man out of business? I would love to own my own business some day. But it is letters like the one I found in Howard's desk that makes me fear the future. I think, "what would I do then?" But I should really be asking, "What am I going to do now?" What's going to happen to me? Who will take me? Is it going to be long lonely worrysome days and hundreds of applications a day while I slowly recess from a social life and try not to concern my roommate? Is it back to being afraid to eat and hopeing I don't get hungry again before I can go to the store? I hated those days.
But in truth, if life really begins to suck the way it used to, then chances are I really will just move home. Back to sacramento like all of my peers to live out protected lives and start again trying to find my purpose. If that's the case then I hope God blesses me with a speedy acceptance and placement in Japan. The shame of it all would be monumentally difficult to bare. It's not really that fun right now.
I am here late and I thought maybe I should steal some pens before I leave (Friday is my last day here). I went to the drawer that used to have a huge stack of pens in Howard's office. But when I went to dig inside I found something else.
Even though I said "sorry" in my head about a thousand times, I read it anyway. It pertained to me anyway. At least partially. On top was what will soon be an "agreement of separation" form I will be asked to sign. basicly so I can't come after howard for unemployment. I read it carefully to see if I should sign it. I'm still not sure if I should. He owes me for the placements we've made, even if the clients have not yet paid him. But under that was another file folder. It was dated for May of this year and inside was a professional recomendation concerning fileing for bankruptsy. Along the margins on one of the inside pages, Howard had scribbled, "can you file twice?"
I went through the rest of it and I found a few pathetic numbers.
and I feel guilty. I wonder if Howard has ever cried about this and then come to work the next day and had to look at me. the girl he's paying who right under his nose is running a completly separate business that's also failing. So it seems like I let down everyone.
from a logical standpoint I could say that it was his call to keep me when I wasn't turning in the numbers he wanted. If he thought that my work wasn't worth the pay, he shold have let me go. ALthough now I can see perfectly why he snubbed me on spiffs. how could he afford to lose even a little bit? I could also say that I'm not very good at recruiting. Even if it's only because my extreme distaste for it makes me a bad employee. After 3 years, I cannot muster enough motivation to get out all that a human could in one day. No matter the goal. But even when I really was giving it my all, staying up all night, making the calls I loathed, embarassing myself night after night for weeks, I was so burned out... when the company dropped us and all my work was to pot, I lost whatever motivation kept me here.
Such a tiny percentage of what work we do here bares fruit that it's an incredably discouraging job. But no one knows that better than Howard. He's a salesman and he thrives on the hard work. so i guess he wanted to try this... and I just couldn't help him. He put his money on the wrong person I guess. Literally.
He seems happier these days. I really prefer that. and I'm happier too. I wonder if the bussiness is picking up or he's finding out that bankrupsy will let him keep his house?
Where as in my case, I thought I was having a coniption over wiether I should go out to lunch or try to save what I can before becomeing 'funemployeed'. I worry. Too much? Not enough to make me go go go?
So what should I do? I think instead of applying for 'unemployement' (which I think I could get), maybe It'd be easier to just offer my services on a commission only basis, and in my spare time I'll pull names for Howard. I dunno, you think he'd do it? At least then I could keep my cb and li acess for my own job hunting needs (little useful though they are to it.)
Did I put this man out of business? I would love to own my own business some day. But it is letters like the one I found in Howard's desk that makes me fear the future. I think, "what would I do then?" But I should really be asking, "What am I going to do now?" What's going to happen to me? Who will take me? Is it going to be long lonely worrysome days and hundreds of applications a day while I slowly recess from a social life and try not to concern my roommate? Is it back to being afraid to eat and hopeing I don't get hungry again before I can go to the store? I hated those days.
But in truth, if life really begins to suck the way it used to, then chances are I really will just move home. Back to sacramento like all of my peers to live out protected lives and start again trying to find my purpose. If that's the case then I hope God blesses me with a speedy acceptance and placement in Japan. The shame of it all would be monumentally difficult to bare. It's not really that fun right now.
"EPIC" fail
For those of you not familiar with the tradition- once a year all the young adult singles (ages 19-31) in the LA area have a film festival. It’s their fourth year running and this year’s theme is James Cameron's Night of Epic Proportions! If you’re not LDS, you probably wouldn’t understand how incredibly stupid this theme is. Let’s just say out of the 5 films of any note that James Cameron has produced, basically none of them are appropriate for this kind of family-friendly event. I’m terrified to see what the ‘Aliens’ booth is going to look like.
But I’ve already put up a decent viral fight against the obvious stupidity before I was silenced by a sweet-spirited tyrant in person. I’ve had to seethe in silence for a few months. This weekend is the festival and normally I would boycott but I ended up being in two of the films. So I’m going. But not without a slight jab on the event page’s wall:
“I'm looking for a dress of "epic proportions". That or I'll just go dressed as the least offensive thing in James Cameron's films- an iceburg. “
So far, my old relief society president has ‘liked’ it and I feel validated.
But what kind of moron writes, “The submitted movie themes must be church appropriate!” right below a request for helpers to make a ‘Dark Angel’ and Terminator booth?
IRONIC ANYONE?
ps. yes, I did just post two entires back to back. I don't feel like working if I'm not going to get paid for it.
But I’ve already put up a decent viral fight against the obvious stupidity before I was silenced by a sweet-spirited tyrant in person. I’ve had to seethe in silence for a few months. This weekend is the festival and normally I would boycott but I ended up being in two of the films. So I’m going. But not without a slight jab on the event page’s wall:
“I'm looking for a dress of "epic proportions". That or I'll just go dressed as the least offensive thing in James Cameron's films- an iceburg. “
So far, my old relief society president has ‘liked’ it and I feel validated.
But what kind of moron writes, “The submitted movie themes must be church appropriate!” right below a request for helpers to make a ‘Dark Angel’ and Terminator booth?
IRONIC ANYONE?
ps. yes, I did just post two entires back to back. I don't feel like working if I'm not going to get paid for it.
More elevator problems?
So I’m left with a woman in the elevator going upwards and we have two floors to go- hers and then mine. Before the last person gets out she starts slamming her thumb over and over into the ^ button. As though if she doesn’t we’re going to fall willy nilly though the shaft unless she reminds the thing that we’re in here. The doors close at exactly the same pace they would have normally (with what I imagine to be a great amount of admirable patience) and we start to rise to our destinations.
The woman sighs in relief and turns to me. “I don’t trust this elevator. Just so you know, I’m not crazy.” Admittedly, these elevators have had their neurological problems in the past, but not that much, and not in any way they you’d need to damage the thing to get it to work right. As she exited, I thought “Doing that doesn’t help your case, lady.”
Why is it I am so keenly aware of the impatience of elevator campanions? Like they have some magic power the rest of us don’t. If I am standing at the bottom waiting for it to arrive, the golden button pointing up is lit up, why is is that others feel the need to push it again? As though I didn’t do it right the first time? Do you have a thumbprint with authority to make it arrive faster? Are you making sure I pushed it hard enough? Will the light go brighter? Does the electrical system prepare for more passengers if it’s pressed more than once? Is that why it’s not enough that YOU push it again, but you need to push it four or five times to make sure it heard you?
What is this?
The woman sighs in relief and turns to me. “I don’t trust this elevator. Just so you know, I’m not crazy.” Admittedly, these elevators have had their neurological problems in the past, but not that much, and not in any way they you’d need to damage the thing to get it to work right. As she exited, I thought “Doing that doesn’t help your case, lady.”
Why is it I am so keenly aware of the impatience of elevator campanions? Like they have some magic power the rest of us don’t. If I am standing at the bottom waiting for it to arrive, the golden button pointing up is lit up, why is is that others feel the need to push it again? As though I didn’t do it right the first time? Do you have a thumbprint with authority to make it arrive faster? Are you making sure I pushed it hard enough? Will the light go brighter? Does the electrical system prepare for more passengers if it’s pressed more than once? Is that why it’s not enough that YOU push it again, but you need to push it four or five times to make sure it heard you?
What is this?
Friday, August 5, 2011
Love is Meme
So I’m cleaning out my computer and I found an old list I had made. Basically, it was a meme- say what ‘love is’ and then a specific circumstance that would prove devotion.
For example, one person wrote, “Love is pausing WOW to take your call.”
The responder said, “Letting you have the last strawberry.” And it goes on.
I don’t think all of the following actually apply to me, but it would make a neat art project to draw the kind of person/creature it did.
I can’t remember what I ultimately went with, but here is the list anyway:
• Never correcting your grammar
• Meeting you with no make up on.
• Letting you pick my next haircut.
• Giving you my last dried peach slice.
• Letting you win the game of wits.
• Trusting you to do my job.
• Doodling your face on my work.
• Pretending the freezing weather doesn’t bother me so I can stay out with you a little longer.
• Sleeping with my phone just in case you had one more text to send.
• Buying you feminine supplies. ._.;
• Saying I love you, even when you already knew it.
• Buying you flowers, just so I have an excuse to bring them to your house.
• Leaving right away because you said you were tired. Even if I wanted to stay.
For example, one person wrote, “Love is pausing WOW to take your call.”
The responder said, “Letting you have the last strawberry.” And it goes on.
I don’t think all of the following actually apply to me, but it would make a neat art project to draw the kind of person/creature it did.
I can’t remember what I ultimately went with, but here is the list anyway:
• Never correcting your grammar
• Meeting you with no make up on.
• Letting you pick my next haircut.
• Giving you my last dried peach slice.
• Letting you win the game of wits.
• Trusting you to do my job.
• Doodling your face on my work.
• Pretending the freezing weather doesn’t bother me so I can stay out with you a little longer.
• Sleeping with my phone just in case you had one more text to send.
• Buying you feminine supplies. ._.;
• Saying I love you, even when you already knew it.
• Buying you flowers, just so I have an excuse to bring them to your house.
• Leaving right away because you said you were tired. Even if I wanted to stay.
Monday, August 1, 2011
My bad. Again.
Y’know one comforting thing in life?
It doesn’t matter what happens, everything is my fault. It doesn’t even matter how many times I apologize and roll over for another beating. The reason I’m being beaten, is my fault. I literally can do nothing but screw up. Especially to guys. It was one of those weekends where I spent almost the entirety being yelled at. And I strive to be humble- which you will doubt 10 seconds after you tell me I’m too hard on myself. (You should really pick which one I am.) but I can only take so much when suddenly it’s 4 am and I haven’t eaten anything all day and another person has called/or emailed to tell what a soulless harpy I am. With so many telling me so, it must be true. It must be nice to know it’s always Casey’s fault. If you haven’t yet, please come take a whack at this dead horse. I can’t feel anything anymore, trust me.
On a related note, I’ve decided to become gay. I will never please anyone so I may as well live as a lesbian mormon and give big speeches about how I can stay true to the church despite my homosexual urges.
I’m dreading my birthday tomorrow. I can see myself being wildly disappointed in myself- just like everyone else.
It doesn’t matter what happens, everything is my fault. It doesn’t even matter how many times I apologize and roll over for another beating. The reason I’m being beaten, is my fault. I literally can do nothing but screw up. Especially to guys. It was one of those weekends where I spent almost the entirety being yelled at. And I strive to be humble- which you will doubt 10 seconds after you tell me I’m too hard on myself. (You should really pick which one I am.) but I can only take so much when suddenly it’s 4 am and I haven’t eaten anything all day and another person has called/or emailed to tell what a soulless harpy I am. With so many telling me so, it must be true. It must be nice to know it’s always Casey’s fault. If you haven’t yet, please come take a whack at this dead horse. I can’t feel anything anymore, trust me.
On a related note, I’ve decided to become gay. I will never please anyone so I may as well live as a lesbian mormon and give big speeches about how I can stay true to the church despite my homosexual urges.
I’m dreading my birthday tomorrow. I can see myself being wildly disappointed in myself- just like everyone else.
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