Appathetic depression?

I’m soooo sick of life. If I wasn’t Mormon maybe I would have ended it by now. Unfortunately, being so aware, I know that life doesn’t actually end with death. So there’s no point in trying to stop it.

Granted, I should have no reason to complain. And I’m not. That’s why I’m writing this here instead of confiding in a friend. And who is to confide in anyway? No one who can understand or make it better. The whole thing is too wide and deep to explain and why would I burden a perfectly normal human being with long depressing tales that have no happy ending or solution? There is no answer but time for a majority of the things that plague me anyway. Best not to make it worse by talking about it. But I will mention one symptom that I’m not sure of the ailment. Whatever I’m sick with, I haven’t taken the sacrament in… 2 months? Minus of course this past weekend where I attended church with my parents in Utah. But even then I didn’t take it seriously at all, playing around with my siblings instead. I know it’s a bad thing. I know that, I do. I can’t figure out though if I’m doing it intentionally or not. Sometimes I’m just late, other times I’d just rather sit in the hall. Sometimes it’s guilt. Because I am guilty.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the opposite example of the Pride cycle. When things are going well I always remember to thank God and serve others as I can and work hard. But when everything falls apart I feel like I’m not worthy to claim any blessings at all causing me to withdraw from all good things.

So to find out what’s wrong with me, let’s make a list of NEW ailments that have surfaced in the last 30 days or so. Such problems as hating everyone are common when I’m depressed so I’ll skip those.

Symptoms are:

• I don’t go to church.
• Can’t see the floor of my room (Bad by even my standards)
• Dirty Laundry is now inching on 3 months
• Stopped communicating with/I’m avoiding  Jeremy, Alex, Austin, and pretty much every girl in my ward
• Tongue feels waxy and numb for the last 4 days. No exaggeration. I hope it’s not polio.
• Every word Lisa says grates on my nerves. Especially when she laughs.
• Entirely Consuming apathetic attitude except
• An Increasingly pessimistic and bitter against everyone with a job.
• A distinct disinterest in checking out cute guys. Huh.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do but whatever I’m doing will probably turn out wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Every day in this temp job, I’ll make another mistake. Whatever job I get after this, I’ll be a bad fit. And it’ll be another secretary position that’s “beneath” me while my friends continue to travel and move on in their lives. Taking the GRE I’ll be wrong most of the time. If I go to Grad school I’ll be the strangest girl there and I’ll probably be so lost that I’ll come out of it in the same helpless position I’m in now. If I move, I will pack the wrong way. If I eat, it will be the wrong foods. If I talk to my friends, I’ll only be circling the drain and bringing them with me.

I’m not happy enough to talk to Alex. Not pretty enough or smell good enough to hang out with Jeremy or any other asian friend, or make any decision that’s right. And as much as I believe God knows me and loves me, I sincerely doubt anything I could do would make a hill of beans difference as He seems pretty indifferent to the outcome of the choices I make. Speaking from experience here, I’m not really seeing a plan for me. Probably because there isn’t one. I just have to breathe in and out every day and… that’s it. I can try all I want to be something “successful” but in the end it’ll come down to waking up, eating, yes, no, yes, and back to bed again. Showering, cleaning, seeking, thinking over and over. And I should feel lucky that things are not worse. I should.

While I can’t see any future, my logical mind reminds me that this is probably another phase. As long as this has gone on, it probably won’t be forever. So I was just thinking that maybe if I didn’t say anything to ANYONE then… I dunno, I won’t lose anything?

Cause…… well, who cares anyway?

28 years Experience

Well I’ll never be a Damn RS President. I’ll never be a great scholar. I want to go home. Right now. Lisa says “Some things in life don't matter - in the long run. Does any of this really matter? No, how you react and treat people does matter”. This is just after she admits to letting the bosses here treat her like garbage. I don’t think you can have it both ways; you can’t expect yourself to be kind always and not expect the same decency from others. Besides which, this is a job. They pay you to be here. They are not your friends or your relief society sisters. What’s the harm? At some point I consider it throwing pearls before swine to demean yourself to these ego bloated corporate self-important jerks. Do you know why I’m not often star-struck (minus a handful of talented people)? Because I would rather see a person’s quality. Not their status. You know who I really get star-struck by? People with REAL talent or who are REALLY HONESTLY GOOD humans. But people like these who snap at you for saying the words “good morning” and don’t think twice about it are NOT the kind of people who need you to kiss up to them. Are they paying you so much to subject yourself to that kind of childish behavior? Even if they were, that’s no excuse to justify a person’s bad character. Lisa says that’s just life. But that’s why a job is a job.

That’s what I’ve learned. Because bending over backwards with kindness, hard labor, late nights, and endless patience for the egos of rotted bosses has only gotten me more late nights, more, abuse, less time with friends, more time being afraid for my livelihood and eventually getting let go. My friend Katherine who I worked so closely with for 2.5 years and who I trusted, who took me to the spa, and we had late night chats and hang outs and honest discussions about life- THAT woman, wouldn’t look me in the eye. THAT woman, signed my last check and would not stand up to defend me. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t my friend. She was my boss. Your boss doesn’t care how hard you work, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Your boss doesn’t care how late you stay as long as you’re there on time and don’t cost them OT.  Your boss isn’t interested in your growth or your progress or your ambitions or your dreams or even what you do when you get home. Because they’re paying you what they think you’re worth. Not a dime more – finically or emotionally. No wonder California has to nanny the treatment of employees. And it’s a good thing that society has made it very clear that bad behavior is to be expected from wealthy people and the only ones who teach eternal kindness are the Christians. As far as I’m concerned, Chriatianity is for all people. And those who don’t expect others to treat them with respect will be disrespected all their lives.  I know I have been.

So I’m not smart. And I’m not talented. But I’m not stupid and I’m not unkind. But I am SO done dealing with abuse like this. Take it from someone with a lifelong career of it. I should put that on my resume: 28 years Experience in handling emotional exploitation.