Granted, I should have no reason to complain. And I’m not. That’s why I’m writing this here instead of confiding in a friend. And who is to confide in anyway? No one who can understand or make it better. The whole thing is too wide and deep to explain and why would I burden a perfectly normal human being with long depressing tales that have no happy ending or solution? There is no answer but time for a majority of the things that plague me anyway. Best not to make it worse by talking about it. But I will mention one symptom that I’m not sure of the ailment. Whatever I’m sick with, I haven’t taken the sacrament in… 2 months? Minus of course this past weekend where I attended church with my parents in Utah. But even then I didn’t take it seriously at all, playing around with my siblings instead. I know it’s a bad thing. I know that, I do. I can’t figure out though if I’m doing it intentionally or not. Sometimes I’m just late, other times I’d just rather sit in the hall. Sometimes it’s guilt. Because I am guilty.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the opposite example of the Pride cycle. When things are going well I always remember to thank God and serve others as I can and work hard. But when everything falls apart I feel like I’m not worthy to claim any blessings at all causing me to withdraw from all good things.
So to find out what’s wrong with me, let’s make a list of NEW ailments that have surfaced in the last 30 days or so. Such problems as hating everyone are common when I’m depressed so I’ll skip those.
Symptoms are:
- I don’t go to church.
- Can’t see the floor of my room (Bad by even my standards)
- Dirty Laundry is now inching on 3 months
- Stopped communicating with/I’m avoiding Jeremy, Alex, Austin, and pretty much every girl in my ward
- Tongue feels waxy and numb for the last 4 days. No exaggeration. I hope it’s not polio.
- Every word Lisa says grates on my nerves. Especially when she laughs.
- Entirely Consuming apathetic attitude except
- An Increasingly pessimistic and bitter against everyone with a job.
- A distinct disinterest in checking out cute guys. Huh.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do but whatever I’m doing will probably turn out wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Every day in this temp job, I’ll make another mistake. Whatever job I get after this, I’ll be a bad fit. And it’ll be another secretary position that’s “beneath” me while my friends continue to travel and move on in their lives. Taking the GRE I’ll be wrong most of the time. If I go to Grad school I’ll be the strangest girl there and I’ll probably be so lost that I’ll come out of it in the same helpless position I’m in now. If I move, I will pack the wrong way. If I eat, it will be the wrong foods. If I talk to my friends, I’ll only be circling the drain and bringing them with me.
I’m not happy enough to talk to Alex. Not pretty enough or smell good enough to hang out with Jeremy or any other asian friend, or make any decision that’s right. And as much as I believe God knows me and loves me, I sincerely doubt anything I could do would make a hill of beans difference as He seems pretty indifferent to the outcome of the choices I make. Speaking from experience here, I’m not really seeing a plan for me. Probably because there isn’t one. I just have to breathe in and out every day and… that’s it. I can try all I want to be something “successful” but in the end it’ll come down to waking up, eating, yes, no, yes, and back to bed again. Showering, cleaning, seeking, thinking over and over. And I should feel lucky that things are not worse. I should.
While I can’t see any future, my logical mind reminds me that this is probably another phase. As long as this has gone on, it probably won’t be forever. So I was just thinking that maybe if I didn’t say anything to ANYONE then… I dunno, I won’t lose anything?
Cause…… well, who cares anyway?
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