PARDON MY RANT. You have GOT to be kidding me.
I took a walk outside after FHE for like and HOUR and I was in the car for only an hour or two after that and I ust enjoyed the brisk cold.
I've even gained a few pounds! I'm eating 3 times a day (even if they're not all meals) I'm sleeping regularly, (except for the bad dreams) and I even considered my walk a little exercise! I thought I was doing well! You're telling me I CAUGHT A COLD?! It was like an hour! An HOUR and I'm sick?!
OH HELL NO.
no no no no. noooooo
don't wanna be sick.. I'm so close to finishing the disaster in my room... it was gonna look so good...
gahhhhh I can't breathe....
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
A League on my Own
For the past few years after a failed FHE, where I feel the pang and bitterness of being an otaku in a normal world, I've developed this... thing? That I do. I've only been caught a handful of times by concerned but relatively unconnected onlookers. I'll stay there in my car for hours after it's over.
Before I had my ipod touch I used to call my Dad and I'd ask him about how the family is doing. Nothing reminds me I have a place on Earth more than being with my family. Even just hearing their voices on the answering machine reminds me of who I am. Listening to my Dad talk about all that they're doing normally soothes me. But for the last year or so by the time FHE is over it's too late to call home so instead I play with my ipod.
Why do I stay there like that? They lock the building, turn off all the lights, and bolt the gates so I have to use the automated exit to leave. But I stay in my car for hours and hours after everyone else has gone home.
I used to think it was because I didn't want to go home. And sometimes I think it's because my meds have worn off. But I really only do it on nights like tonight. When I feel like a stranger in the middle of those who are supposedly the group from which I have to choose an eternal companion. And I wonder what's so wrong with me that they would leave me to sit alone to watch everyone play games together because there is not enough room. No one offered to talk to me, or make a space for me because I was late. Why is it that when I'm with these people I feel small and so strange? Even the Relief Society president gave me this cold and withering look of contempt. and my confidence shriveled a little more.
A few weeks ago at knotts, Aino actually started to yell at me in the parking lot. I wasn't even fighting with her, she just had gotten herself into a frenzy of feelings by rambling unhalted about the things that most annoyed her and suddenly I was the subject of her frustrations because I was dating too much. I didn't have the time to see her and friends are more important in youth than dating.
I often forget she's only just 23. At the time of that conversation she was 22 and has no point of reference to understand the significance of what a loving companion might mean to me. Logically speaking, she might be trying to justify her own bitter decision to hand milk out for free. Regardless, she has no understanding or concern for the things I want for myself. I'm not mad at her. I let her yell at me until she was out of breath. Then I drove her out and bought her dinner.
So maybe I don't belong there either. With those young and beautiful girls. I'm not asian, I'm not in school, and I'm not even very well versed in anime as they all are. In truth, I grew out of fandom for fandom's sake a long time ago.
Where do I fit in?
One other story I should mention, I offered to make Masato a cake for his birthday to make up for the fact that my Dad was in town the same night. But he asked me not to deliver it until Sunday. I bought everything I needed to bake it and I was ready to present my creation when a mutual friend told me of a small surprise party for him on Sunday night instead. I offered to bring my cake but they said they didn't need it... Instead I brought special funky candles I had found that I thought he'd like. But some other girl brought trick candles which everyone liked, so I left my small offering in my purse. I also wrapped a small gift and brought it to the occation. I didn't know Masato already owned it, which he told me upon opening it when no one was looking. Mine was the only gift but it still wasn't very good I guess. He left without saying goodbye to me which seems in tune with his new approach to our friendship- he kinda looks at me as though I were an thankless Ex Mistake rather than a close friend. At least that's how it feels for the last couple weeks...
I just remebered, tonight at FHE, he came even later than me. But when he walked in, someone got him a chair. I think that's why he and I would never work out. Which is what I told him from the start- he's just too cool for me.
We're not in the same league.
Before I had my ipod touch I used to call my Dad and I'd ask him about how the family is doing. Nothing reminds me I have a place on Earth more than being with my family. Even just hearing their voices on the answering machine reminds me of who I am. Listening to my Dad talk about all that they're doing normally soothes me. But for the last year or so by the time FHE is over it's too late to call home so instead I play with my ipod.
Why do I stay there like that? They lock the building, turn off all the lights, and bolt the gates so I have to use the automated exit to leave. But I stay in my car for hours and hours after everyone else has gone home.
I used to think it was because I didn't want to go home. And sometimes I think it's because my meds have worn off. But I really only do it on nights like tonight. When I feel like a stranger in the middle of those who are supposedly the group from which I have to choose an eternal companion. And I wonder what's so wrong with me that they would leave me to sit alone to watch everyone play games together because there is not enough room. No one offered to talk to me, or make a space for me because I was late. Why is it that when I'm with these people I feel small and so strange? Even the Relief Society president gave me this cold and withering look of contempt. and my confidence shriveled a little more.
A few weeks ago at knotts, Aino actually started to yell at me in the parking lot. I wasn't even fighting with her, she just had gotten herself into a frenzy of feelings by rambling unhalted about the things that most annoyed her and suddenly I was the subject of her frustrations because I was dating too much. I didn't have the time to see her and friends are more important in youth than dating.
I often forget she's only just 23. At the time of that conversation she was 22 and has no point of reference to understand the significance of what a loving companion might mean to me. Logically speaking, she might be trying to justify her own bitter decision to hand milk out for free. Regardless, she has no understanding or concern for the things I want for myself. I'm not mad at her. I let her yell at me until she was out of breath. Then I drove her out and bought her dinner.
So maybe I don't belong there either. With those young and beautiful girls. I'm not asian, I'm not in school, and I'm not even very well versed in anime as they all are. In truth, I grew out of fandom for fandom's sake a long time ago.
Where do I fit in?
One other story I should mention, I offered to make Masato a cake for his birthday to make up for the fact that my Dad was in town the same night. But he asked me not to deliver it until Sunday. I bought everything I needed to bake it and I was ready to present my creation when a mutual friend told me of a small surprise party for him on Sunday night instead. I offered to bring my cake but they said they didn't need it... Instead I brought special funky candles I had found that I thought he'd like. But some other girl brought trick candles which everyone liked, so I left my small offering in my purse. I also wrapped a small gift and brought it to the occation. I didn't know Masato already owned it, which he told me upon opening it when no one was looking. Mine was the only gift but it still wasn't very good I guess. He left without saying goodbye to me which seems in tune with his new approach to our friendship- he kinda looks at me as though I were an thankless Ex Mistake rather than a close friend. At least that's how it feels for the last couple weeks...
I just remebered, tonight at FHE, he came even later than me. But when he walked in, someone got him a chair. I think that's why he and I would never work out. Which is what I told him from the start- he's just too cool for me.
We're not in the same league.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Lungs suck and blow
Since I discovered the place I offered to help get organized considers me a time-suck (and as my friends who care about me say; who wants to hang out with people who don't like you or want to help them out...) I've had to turn my craving for order to my own house. If today works out, I'll visit the container store and have a more grown up room by EOD.
It probably won't work out. But I have nothing to do today other than a random baby shower. And I am NOT going to Aino's lover's concert. He's a nice guy and I love my hime-sama but I don't have to support the douche she's b******. Sorry, I can't think of a nicer way to say it and it's the truth.
I guess what I was saying to Aino about the lost friend involved in the cleaning opportunity, also applies to her situation. I'm disappointed. Not mad, just sad about it.
ps. Just last week I was confussed about why someone would spend all their time and energy on people who were rude to them and ignore my efforts to be a good friend. For someone trying to avoid wasting time, It's irnoic. XD Although I can relate.
pps. Does this post make any sense at all? .___.
ppps. lol. I'm lonely.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
All Things All People
Sigh. Not again. :/ But I blame myself for not having enforced boundaries.
However, peach snow ice was awesome.
One other comment, I was called a number of things last night. One was 'Extraordinary' which felt like a 2 dollah word. Also an Effing Tease. But of course they didn't say "effing". I'm really not used to having someone describe me with the f word. I'm sure they meant it as a compliment but it took me out of the moment. I have a hard time swallowing Tease, but and effing tease? I guess that's what happens when I let my debutant side sit on the backburner.
People always seem surprised when they find out about a different side of my personality. Like everyone else only has one.
Of course I'm delicate and i don't like horror movies. But I also love action movies, guns, and ninjas. Of course I like jazz and classical music. I also listen to rock and pop songs. But I also like some kinds of rap and top 40. Metallica, Martin Leung, Green Day, Moosebutter, Ludo, Weird Al, Victor Borge, and Kannon. Why do people have a disconnect when I wear glasses verses contacts? Or when they find out I have a healthy libido? Like everyone else?
One night during a grim summer in Vegas, I was up late writing in my cream colored diary. I was in 8th grade I think and I had just made a new set of otaku friends. In it, I drew pictures of myself in different outfits and personalities and wrote alongside it the question, "Who am I?" I remember a distinct epiphany at that time where I felt like my brain had just grown- I'm everything, of course. Well, not EVERYTHING. Just the things I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the ability to like so many different things came from so much isolation. If I have to thank those summers, then I will. But I'd rather not.
However, peach snow ice was awesome.
One other comment, I was called a number of things last night. One was 'Extraordinary' which felt like a 2 dollah word. Also an Effing Tease. But of course they didn't say "effing". I'm really not used to having someone describe me with the f word. I'm sure they meant it as a compliment but it took me out of the moment. I have a hard time swallowing Tease, but and effing tease? I guess that's what happens when I let my debutant side sit on the backburner.
People always seem surprised when they find out about a different side of my personality. Like everyone else only has one.
Of course I'm delicate and i don't like horror movies. But I also love action movies, guns, and ninjas. Of course I like jazz and classical music. I also listen to rock and pop songs. But I also like some kinds of rap and top 40. Metallica, Martin Leung, Green Day, Moosebutter, Ludo, Weird Al, Victor Borge, and Kannon. Why do people have a disconnect when I wear glasses verses contacts? Or when they find out I have a healthy libido? Like everyone else?
One night during a grim summer in Vegas, I was up late writing in my cream colored diary. I was in 8th grade I think and I had just made a new set of otaku friends. In it, I drew pictures of myself in different outfits and personalities and wrote alongside it the question, "Who am I?" I remember a distinct epiphany at that time where I felt like my brain had just grown- I'm everything, of course. Well, not EVERYTHING. Just the things I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the ability to like so many different things came from so much isolation. If I have to thank those summers, then I will. But I'd rather not.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Random 10
Plenty to say, but I can't say it.
So, 10 random little known facts about me.
1. My father is coming to stay with me Tuesday (tomorrow) night. I'm trying to clean up for him but I lost my afternoon meds so I'm feeling rather despondent and lost. Glad I didn't go to FHE.
2. I can't wear a bikini for a few reasons. Two of them are- I have a mole on my back that I hate. With white skin like mine, it's very obvious.... and since it's on my back, I can't observe when people notice it. The handful of people who HAVE seen it, have never mentioned it to me. Which I take as a bad sign. The other reason is similar, my spine. When I'm thin like this, it shows. A girl I know was scratching my back last night and said, "Oh Casey... your spine...." I almost forgot about it. But unlike the little dot on my back, many people HAVE mentioned this to me.
In fact, everyone has. ._. oh geez.
3. I'm feeling jealous atm. But I'll probably do nothing about it. It's not in me to say so. :x
4. I don't own sneakers, which I think is a pretty valid reason to not go hiking.
5. I like cream pies but I don't like fruit pies unless they're heated. I don't like sandwiches unless they have some green in them.
6. I said, "green" because I'm too lazy to look up how to spell the word "lettuce", which I just did for the sake of writing this explanation.
7. I love the sound of rain but I'm always distracted too quickly to listen to it exclusively for long. I wish I had more patience.
8. I have a peach soda on my desk that I haven't had yet for only one reason- I can't get it open. When I tried the cap cut my hand. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help or tell anyone how I cut my hand. And if I did ask for someone's help, I'd have to drink it in front of them- which is rude, I think. So... now it's just a delicious taunting ornament...
9. I keep my diary with my 72 hour emergency kit.
10. It was a pretty lonely day. (If it wasn't obvious. lol)
So, 10 random little known facts about me.
1. My father is coming to stay with me Tuesday (tomorrow) night. I'm trying to clean up for him but I lost my afternoon meds so I'm feeling rather despondent and lost. Glad I didn't go to FHE.
2. I can't wear a bikini for a few reasons. Two of them are- I have a mole on my back that I hate. With white skin like mine, it's very obvious.... and since it's on my back, I can't observe when people notice it. The handful of people who HAVE seen it, have never mentioned it to me. Which I take as a bad sign. The other reason is similar, my spine. When I'm thin like this, it shows. A girl I know was scratching my back last night and said, "Oh Casey... your spine...." I almost forgot about it. But unlike the little dot on my back, many people HAVE mentioned this to me.
In fact, everyone has. ._. oh geez.
3. I'm feeling jealous atm. But I'll probably do nothing about it. It's not in me to say so. :x
4. I don't own sneakers, which I think is a pretty valid reason to not go hiking.
5. I like cream pies but I don't like fruit pies unless they're heated. I don't like sandwiches unless they have some green in them.
6. I said, "green" because I'm too lazy to look up how to spell the word "lettuce", which I just did for the sake of writing this explanation.
7. I love the sound of rain but I'm always distracted too quickly to listen to it exclusively for long. I wish I had more patience.
8. I have a peach soda on my desk that I haven't had yet for only one reason- I can't get it open. When I tried the cap cut my hand. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help or tell anyone how I cut my hand. And if I did ask for someone's help, I'd have to drink it in front of them- which is rude, I think. So... now it's just a delicious taunting ornament...
9. I keep my diary with my 72 hour emergency kit.
10. It was a pretty lonely day. (If it wasn't obvious. lol)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thinking of Martin.
Random thoughts from the last couple hours:
I'm invited to a last minute party for Kenny? How... Ironic. -_-
My dear idol pianist Martin Leung was much cuter before he turned into an uber buffed out skater. Still... I would love to bite that CUTE distended lip of his...
I love nicknames. I like when people give me nicknames. I know not everyone like them, but it's like a hug. Not being able to give someone a nickname because they don't like it is like not being able to give them a hug. It's so weird to stop myself from doing it. Feels cold.
Why should I go see Phillip? Because I owe him. but it would be following a pattern of good behavior if I didn't.
A saturday free and I filled it up, didn't I? Darn it...
What am I supposed to wear? Something I can sleep in? ... What am I thinking. O.o
A wild tattoo on his back huh? That's explains the feeling of freedom when I watch him dance.
Robot men... <3 Cute.
Maybe I was destined to make little yellow babies. Or not. Either or.
How about something actually INTERESTING this time?
I wonder if I deleted my fb page, how many people would notice? Would I be depressed at the number?
Tivo wins again! Wait what?
Oh Martin. Please do me. I swear I'm not a hideous fat underage fangirl.... I'm a hideous SKINNY overage (for you) fangirl.
I'm invited to a last minute party for Kenny? How... Ironic. -_-
My dear idol pianist Martin Leung was much cuter before he turned into an uber buffed out skater. Still... I would love to bite that CUTE distended lip of his...
I love nicknames. I like when people give me nicknames. I know not everyone like them, but it's like a hug. Not being able to give someone a nickname because they don't like it is like not being able to give them a hug. It's so weird to stop myself from doing it. Feels cold.
Why should I go see Phillip? Because I owe him. but it would be following a pattern of good behavior if I didn't.
A saturday free and I filled it up, didn't I? Darn it...
What am I supposed to wear? Something I can sleep in? ... What am I thinking. O.o
A wild tattoo on his back huh? That's explains the feeling of freedom when I watch him dance.
Robot men... <3 Cute.
Maybe I was destined to make little yellow babies. Or not. Either or.
How about something actually INTERESTING this time?
I wonder if I deleted my fb page, how many people would notice? Would I be depressed at the number?
Tivo wins again! Wait what?
Oh Martin. Please do me. I swear I'm not a hideous fat underage fangirl.... I'm a hideous SKINNY overage (for you) fangirl.
Lost chance.
Well this...sucks.
Not everything sucks. But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.
Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.
What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.
I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.
Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.
Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.
Not everything sucks. But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.
Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.
What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.
I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.
Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.
Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thanks.
Forgive me Universe: I'm not going to explain anything.
I only have a second because I'm running behind and I have people coming over tonight.
But I wanted to say that on a normal day, this would have been mind blowing. But since it came on a really awful slump kind of day- It's extra wonderful. Dare I even say, the thing I've been waiting for. I get depressed about this and i try to ignore it and tell myself It's not worth being upset over. Some days are worse than others. And today I was really sad. I was just sad. When it came to this, I've been working extra hard to tell myself I'd never get it. Don't let reality determine my happiness.
But- that! That was all I needed. That was all I was ever asking for. I know it probably hurt a little, but I'm so glad it came today. I'm a little surprised just how glad- when I cried the whole way home from work. In weird little sobs. I couldn't help it. I'm really really...
...well thanks.
More probably after my guests leave. >_>
Hours later- I return to finish.
Admittedly, I'm a dramatic girl. I've said this a thousand times in a simultaneous attempt to reassure myself that I'm not crazy, and to point out my flaws in order to fix them. Again- I feel very deeply and sometimes it sucks. It sucks when it's feeling bad or guilty or lonely. And it suck when it happens suddenly. and it REALLY sucks when I let it slip and my dumb emotions effect other people. I think most of the time that feeling deeply is something I should really curb.
But I can't complain much right now. Sure, I'm not all glittery and swooning for love, sexually worn, or intellectually satisfied... really, the only word I can think for it is HAPPY. And I know why! The strange thing in this case is, while I hate when my bad emotions spill over and make someone else's day worse, the person who made this day better- best day in a series of days that were fine (which in comparison to last year is GREAT) I can't thank. I can't let them see this joy they brought me. This fact only dampens my happiness a little bit. I have no idea what the future is going to look like. Not to say anything has changed- it hasn't. I'm still single and without any prospects. I'm still angry with who I'm angry with, still jealous and shunned by those who I love and hate. Still a workaholic nerd wanna-be. Still a little bit annoying. I'm still in my same apartment in my same job with the same family and friends that I had before. But, if anything, with this little bit of new knowledge- better.
Better, brighter, more fun. Man. Why did it take so long?
The only thing that would have put a bow on top is a hug. But I can't have everything in life, can I?
I know I know. If curbing my feelings means taking EVERYthing down a notch, it means this too. But if I have to face the awful days alone, then let me enjoy the good ones too. And with that, I should sleep. before anything else crosses my mind.
(Oh, and maybe a goodnight text message too...oh well. ha ha.)
I only have a second because I'm running behind and I have people coming over tonight.
But I wanted to say that on a normal day, this would have been mind blowing. But since it came on a really awful slump kind of day- It's extra wonderful. Dare I even say, the thing I've been waiting for. I get depressed about this and i try to ignore it and tell myself It's not worth being upset over. Some days are worse than others. And today I was really sad. I was just sad. When it came to this, I've been working extra hard to tell myself I'd never get it. Don't let reality determine my happiness.
But- that! That was all I needed. That was all I was ever asking for. I know it probably hurt a little, but I'm so glad it came today. I'm a little surprised just how glad- when I cried the whole way home from work. In weird little sobs. I couldn't help it. I'm really really...
...well thanks.
More probably after my guests leave. >_>
Hours later- I return to finish.
Admittedly, I'm a dramatic girl. I've said this a thousand times in a simultaneous attempt to reassure myself that I'm not crazy, and to point out my flaws in order to fix them. Again- I feel very deeply and sometimes it sucks. It sucks when it's feeling bad or guilty or lonely. And it suck when it happens suddenly. and it REALLY sucks when I let it slip and my dumb emotions effect other people. I think most of the time that feeling deeply is something I should really curb.
But I can't complain much right now. Sure, I'm not all glittery and swooning for love, sexually worn, or intellectually satisfied... really, the only word I can think for it is HAPPY. And I know why! The strange thing in this case is, while I hate when my bad emotions spill over and make someone else's day worse, the person who made this day better- best day in a series of days that were fine (which in comparison to last year is GREAT) I can't thank. I can't let them see this joy they brought me. This fact only dampens my happiness a little bit. I have no idea what the future is going to look like. Not to say anything has changed- it hasn't. I'm still single and without any prospects. I'm still angry with who I'm angry with, still jealous and shunned by those who I love and hate. Still a workaholic nerd wanna-be. Still a little bit annoying. I'm still in my same apartment in my same job with the same family and friends that I had before. But, if anything, with this little bit of new knowledge- better.
Better, brighter, more fun. Man. Why did it take so long?
The only thing that would have put a bow on top is a hug. But I can't have everything in life, can I?
I know I know. If curbing my feelings means taking EVERYthing down a notch, it means this too. But if I have to face the awful days alone, then let me enjoy the good ones too. And with that, I should sleep. before anything else crosses my mind.
(Oh, and maybe a goodnight text message too...oh well. ha ha.)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Social Recap
I wrapped up my last post just now so I could switch gears a little bit. Just an update about what's going on in my life. In general, I'm feeling fine. Not super up or down. I'm becoming increasingly upset with myself as I fail to reach my goals. Not even lofty goals. Just ones like getting to work on time, eating three meals a day, keeping my room clean. I can see on the horizon what always happens, depression. I'll fail so many times that I'll wonder what I'm worth if I don't have the discipline to keep up a normal person's life. But I love my job and I love my roommate. Plus, I'm not sick.
But this entry (as USUAL) will probably focus on the people in my life. I mentioned before, I'm really cutting out large swathes of my social life. I never see nor speak to anyone in the cafe anymore- minus J-kun and Aino of course. And kchan will contact me about things that must be done. But as far as being close and hanging out- that ship is far far far away from me it seems. And as much as I might miss them, the truth is I was never very good at hanging out. So I'm standing on a beach watching them sail away. I could think it's natural though, considering how different they are from me, and how young they seem. And btw, I spent a little time with RIka who I adore and I had the chance to admire up close Mikan. I really am so fascinated by her. If I ever have any artistic talent, I'd like to bring out her intelligence, kindness, grace, and humor. That would be my greatest accomplishment.
I have not spoken to Hua since the night he insulted Masato and drove off. He seems pretty happy for the most part. His life was never that dramatic and I'm glad he's still considering the church. I'd like to encourage his pursuits and tell him not to be afraid of faith, but it isn't my place to do that anymore. When I made the decision last year to end the abusive friendship, I should have meant it more sincerely. It doesn't make sense to let him find his way back into my life again; showing up at my door, inviting himself to meet me, calling on my sympathies to get me to talk to him. I have to remind myself about Halloween and the morning I found bruises I had to hide. There's no more distinct image in my mind to justify keeping myself away. But he's fine without me. And that does bring me comfort.
I made plans to play Settlers with Jeremy's friend Eugene on Friday because apparently he's a big fan. I like Eugene, he's always asking for my advice regarding girls and he even texts me when he's sad for a pick-me-up. It makes me feel kinda special. But of course we're just friends- which is why we invited Jeremy to play. At first J absoLUTELY refused to participate in such a boring activity. Then he went on a drunken weekend Ski-trip and came home with a changed mind. Who knows why. I'm not asking. Masato and I are still good friends. Neither of us really knows why. We rarely agree on anything and our styles and tastes are so different it's difficult to find much in common. But physically speaking we're both very comfortable. He let's me hug him and he doesn't mind putting his arms around me when we watch a movie. That's all I need some emo days. I only talk to him Sunday night where he can tell me his plans for the future and it's become a nice little routine.
I'm still a little mad at Blake. I was surprised by his expectations and was all ready to give him a little help in the right direction but if I tried to talk to him now it would come out mean. And I don't like to be mean when it isn't necessary. Unless some monumental change happens or someone talks to him... I can't think of any reason to change my mind. Which was the whole problem to begin with. In comparison, the ultimate giver, I have not seen Phillip in ages. Physically speaking I miss him the most. We only went on two dates- which is enough for him to be ready for wild animal hoopla. The guy is... really attractive. In the kind of way you see in magazines. Which is not only a turn off for me usually, but I'm rarely into just the physicality of men. Besides which, why would a normal fiercely cute kid like THAT ever be interested in a girl like ME?! This guy is dangerous for controlling myself. As I said though, I haven't seen him in who knows how long.
I'd go on about other people like Tim, Aino, Sami, J-kun, Kchan, Lizzy, Joman, John-O (who I'm missing greatly :/ ), Katherine, Sen, Bisente, Leo~nard, Andersen and all my other friends but #1- andersen made the mistake of telling me he actually checks this stupid blog once in a while and #2- if I go on much longer I'll look like a whiney biznitch. Which I probably am. That's one reason why I don't complain to Vo when he's ticking me off. Because as history has shown, I am always the one with the problem. Everyone else is always right. If I simply wait long enough I'll get over whatever is bugging me and things will turn back to normal in my head. Why bother people with my pesky temporary feelings?
Ah, skype calls. I should really go nuke the dinner I just bought...
Ps. My back is killing me again...
But this entry (as USUAL) will probably focus on the people in my life. I mentioned before, I'm really cutting out large swathes of my social life. I never see nor speak to anyone in the cafe anymore- minus J-kun and Aino of course. And kchan will contact me about things that must be done. But as far as being close and hanging out- that ship is far far far away from me it seems. And as much as I might miss them, the truth is I was never very good at hanging out. So I'm standing on a beach watching them sail away. I could think it's natural though, considering how different they are from me, and how young they seem. And btw, I spent a little time with RIka who I adore and I had the chance to admire up close Mikan. I really am so fascinated by her. If I ever have any artistic talent, I'd like to bring out her intelligence, kindness, grace, and humor. That would be my greatest accomplishment.
I have not spoken to Hua since the night he insulted Masato and drove off. He seems pretty happy for the most part. His life was never that dramatic and I'm glad he's still considering the church. I'd like to encourage his pursuits and tell him not to be afraid of faith, but it isn't my place to do that anymore. When I made the decision last year to end the abusive friendship, I should have meant it more sincerely. It doesn't make sense to let him find his way back into my life again; showing up at my door, inviting himself to meet me, calling on my sympathies to get me to talk to him. I have to remind myself about Halloween and the morning I found bruises I had to hide. There's no more distinct image in my mind to justify keeping myself away. But he's fine without me. And that does bring me comfort.
I made plans to play Settlers with Jeremy's friend Eugene on Friday because apparently he's a big fan. I like Eugene, he's always asking for my advice regarding girls and he even texts me when he's sad for a pick-me-up. It makes me feel kinda special. But of course we're just friends- which is why we invited Jeremy to play. At first J absoLUTELY refused to participate in such a boring activity. Then he went on a drunken weekend Ski-trip and came home with a changed mind. Who knows why. I'm not asking. Masato and I are still good friends. Neither of us really knows why. We rarely agree on anything and our styles and tastes are so different it's difficult to find much in common. But physically speaking we're both very comfortable. He let's me hug him and he doesn't mind putting his arms around me when we watch a movie. That's all I need some emo days. I only talk to him Sunday night where he can tell me his plans for the future and it's become a nice little routine.
I'm still a little mad at Blake. I was surprised by his expectations and was all ready to give him a little help in the right direction but if I tried to talk to him now it would come out mean. And I don't like to be mean when it isn't necessary. Unless some monumental change happens or someone talks to him... I can't think of any reason to change my mind. Which was the whole problem to begin with. In comparison, the ultimate giver, I have not seen Phillip in ages. Physically speaking I miss him the most. We only went on two dates- which is enough for him to be ready for wild animal hoopla. The guy is... really attractive. In the kind of way you see in magazines. Which is not only a turn off for me usually, but I'm rarely into just the physicality of men. Besides which, why would a normal fiercely cute kid like THAT ever be interested in a girl like ME?! This guy is dangerous for controlling myself. As I said though, I haven't seen him in who knows how long.
I'd go on about other people like Tim, Aino, Sami, J-kun, Kchan, Lizzy, Joman, John-O (who I'm missing greatly :/ ), Katherine, Sen, Bisente, Leo~nard, Andersen and all my other friends but #1- andersen made the mistake of telling me he actually checks this stupid blog once in a while and #2- if I go on much longer I'll look like a whiney biznitch. Which I probably am. That's one reason why I don't complain to Vo when he's ticking me off. Because as history has shown, I am always the one with the problem. Everyone else is always right. If I simply wait long enough I'll get over whatever is bugging me and things will turn back to normal in my head. Why bother people with my pesky temporary feelings?
Ah, skype calls. I should really go nuke the dinner I just bought...
Ps. My back is killing me again...
Messy Organization
OKay there are somethings in me that are like my mother that I cannot escape. A small portion of those things, I don't want to give up being.
For one thing, why does organizing get me so excited? Filling boxes, making labels, creating order from trash- I love it. But I hate to clean. I come home and dread that the only thing I am absolutely going to FORCE myself to do that night is clean. And I would rather do anything else. And to make said cleaning happen, I'll tell myself I can't do other things until it's done. But that means... none of those other things ever get done.
It's true, I'm happier when things around me are orderly. I sleep better, I wake up happier, I'm more productive, and I can get to creative projects. But something inside me just hates to clean. It's like the never ending to-do task that haunts me like a smoking habit. I'll never check it off quiiiiite all the way. and the moment I take a break, it comes back- dirtier than ever.
Sometimes I blame the ADD. But other times like tonight, I just want to sew or draw or write or chat with someone.
I wonder what kind of wife I'll make. I was thinking this while browsing at Office Depo. Men don't have to be great cooks or keep a tidy and beautiful home. Their God-given responsibility is to provide while the woman is preggers. Can't help that natural fact of life. I'm not saying he can't HAVE those skills but no one thinks the less of him. A refined woman is one who knows how to decorate. Who's bathroom isn't just clean under the seat, but the towels match the floor mat. I wish I would do those things. If I was supremely wealthy perhaps I'd take a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond and dump a bunch of money on matching items. And I'd get such a thrill setting it all up. But the everyday maintenance would soon get the best of me I bet. Or maybe it wouldn't- if I were proud of it?
ANd truth be told- my common area's are ALWAYS a thousand times cleaner than my bedroom. My secret haven of Me. Where I know where everything is because I put it there. All my secrets and memories surrounding me. I don't even mind if it's messy- but my internal grownup thinks- HOW CAN YOU LIVE THIS WAY?
I don't know. I just don't enjoy hanging my clothes and folding my socks, and throwing away paperwork.
But ohhhh how I loved picking just the right hooks for the bathroom. I may be poor- but I splurged on a nice set of white hooks to hang my blow dryer and curling iron. And I'll proudly use them too.
SO when people ask me what material things do I want, it isn't trips to Europe or Massive technology (although lately I've a hunger for an iphone...). Instead on my way home I made a list of material things I wish I could buy. Here are the ones I can remember:
- Round sticky thing to keep the toothbrush holder still. The last two broke...
- Semi-circle desk organizer for my pins, pens, rubber bands, and paper clips for my desk at work.
- A lunch box to take to work everyday
- 12 port surge protector
- Why was Office Depo out of those soft white cable ties?
- All-in-one Printer/scanner (and perhaps a larger desk...)
- Wouldn't life be SO GROWN UP if I came home to a comfy office chair?!
- New set of drawers for my art materials (I've given up trying to organize those things)
- I'd like a rug for my bedroom....
- A teal painting for the bathroom
- Round corner table for the kitchen
- BIG Split trash can for trash and recycling. I hate having two that are mis matched.
- curtains for the dining room
- A hat./coat rack
FOr christmas I bought myself four things - a bookshelf (which I don't know how to build, so right now it's a stepping stool....), a breakfast in bed tray (WHICH I LOVE), A larger trashcan with a LID (also love love love), and a bedspread. I wish I was more in love with the spread but it;s very grown up and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
sigh. I'm going to have to be a working mother so I can afford to have a maid come clean once a month...
For one thing, why does organizing get me so excited? Filling boxes, making labels, creating order from trash- I love it. But I hate to clean. I come home and dread that the only thing I am absolutely going to FORCE myself to do that night is clean. And I would rather do anything else. And to make said cleaning happen, I'll tell myself I can't do other things until it's done. But that means... none of those other things ever get done.
It's true, I'm happier when things around me are orderly. I sleep better, I wake up happier, I'm more productive, and I can get to creative projects. But something inside me just hates to clean. It's like the never ending to-do task that haunts me like a smoking habit. I'll never check it off quiiiiite all the way. and the moment I take a break, it comes back- dirtier than ever.
Sometimes I blame the ADD. But other times like tonight, I just want to sew or draw or write or chat with someone.
I wonder what kind of wife I'll make. I was thinking this while browsing at Office Depo. Men don't have to be great cooks or keep a tidy and beautiful home. Their God-given responsibility is to provide while the woman is preggers. Can't help that natural fact of life. I'm not saying he can't HAVE those skills but no one thinks the less of him. A refined woman is one who knows how to decorate. Who's bathroom isn't just clean under the seat, but the towels match the floor mat. I wish I would do those things. If I was supremely wealthy perhaps I'd take a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond and dump a bunch of money on matching items. And I'd get such a thrill setting it all up. But the everyday maintenance would soon get the best of me I bet. Or maybe it wouldn't- if I were proud of it?
ANd truth be told- my common area's are ALWAYS a thousand times cleaner than my bedroom. My secret haven of Me. Where I know where everything is because I put it there. All my secrets and memories surrounding me. I don't even mind if it's messy- but my internal grownup thinks- HOW CAN YOU LIVE THIS WAY?
I don't know. I just don't enjoy hanging my clothes and folding my socks, and throwing away paperwork.
But ohhhh how I loved picking just the right hooks for the bathroom. I may be poor- but I splurged on a nice set of white hooks to hang my blow dryer and curling iron. And I'll proudly use them too.
SO when people ask me what material things do I want, it isn't trips to Europe or Massive technology (although lately I've a hunger for an iphone...). Instead on my way home I made a list of material things I wish I could buy. Here are the ones I can remember:
- Round sticky thing to keep the toothbrush holder still. The last two broke...
- Semi-circle desk organizer for my pins, pens, rubber bands, and paper clips for my desk at work.
- A lunch box to take to work everyday
- 12 port surge protector
- Why was Office Depo out of those soft white cable ties?
- All-in-one Printer/scanner (and perhaps a larger desk...)
- Wouldn't life be SO GROWN UP if I came home to a comfy office chair?!
- New set of drawers for my art materials (I've given up trying to organize those things)
- I'd like a rug for my bedroom....
- A teal painting for the bathroom
- Round corner table for the kitchen
- BIG Split trash can for trash and recycling. I hate having two that are mis matched.
- curtains for the dining room
- A hat./coat rack
FOr christmas I bought myself four things - a bookshelf (which I don't know how to build, so right now it's a stepping stool....), a breakfast in bed tray (WHICH I LOVE), A larger trashcan with a LID (also love love love), and a bedspread. I wish I was more in love with the spread but it;s very grown up and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
sigh. I'm going to have to be a working mother so I can afford to have a maid come clean once a month...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Riding the cotton pony.
Why have I suddenly gotten a spike from Russia? XD
Well, even though I didn't mention this could be the reason for my freakout in the last entry, I did consider it a possibility in my head. But it turns out the little voice in the back of my head was right- it was just a lot quieter than the screaming voices in the front of my head. Today my suspicion was confirmed, I just had an abnormally large wave of estrogen wreaking havoc on my intelligence in preparation for that time-honored disaster known too well by all those cursed enough to be healthy post-puberty females. In other words, my time of the month.
Of course it didn't help that the meds wore off and I had been left alone for the better part of two weeks. When we're alone we want to see someone, when we're surrounded we want to be left alone. Now, the only reason I'm mentioning this at all is to mark to myself what it looks like. Or maybe it would be useful to some guy who wants to conquer my heart. To be calm in the midst of living with a lunatic, i must admit, is very attractive. My Dad always was, but that might be because he married a woman who seemed to having her "time of the decade" to deal with. He always brought me chocolate. And between you, me, and my little sister, I never craved chocolate to sooth me. But when he would sneak it to me so my brother's wouldn't get jealous, it would make me feel better because I saw that my father loved me. He wanted to help me in any way he could.
I've probably mentioned this a thousand times, but my favorite memory is sitting on the couch with my Dad who would tuck me under his arm on a Sunday night to watch TV with the family. And I always thought that he'd want me to move so he could sit with his wife. But Dad never sat in the corner of the couch, he put her on his other side and me under his arm and kept me safe. I don't remember the shows we watched but I know that was my favorite time. listening to the dishwasher downstairs, everything clean and neat. My Dad's was the first and only man-smell I had contact with for a long time. It never occurred to me how much I liked it until I came home one year after being at school.
Anyway. Turns out I'm not going insane, and no one hates me. Masato laughed when I apologized like an infant and told me that life was simple and to never worry about those things. And Jeremy, who was the closest to being in the thick of my tornado seemed okay with it. I don't know why. Maybe he figured it out before I did what was wrong with me. He told me a while back that when his old girlfriend would PMS he knew that all he had to do was "stuff her like a whale" with food. Just take her out and feed her. That'll probably work for me too. But honestly (other than my Dad of course) no one has ever really taken care of me that way because I don't think I've ever really been comfortable enough to tell a guy what the problem was. It's really very embarrassing. If you are a guy and you stumble on this, know it's just as maddening, painful, and disgusting as you'd imagine. So, no: I don't like to talk about it. But knowing that I'm not going to mention it, makes me want to hide. I don't know if that's better than spewing venom mercilessly. See? no happy medium. But why does it have to be that I get super emo right BEFORE? It remains a mystery for far too many damaging hours before I figure it out. And then my emotions calm and the physical agony starts.
My back is already killing me this week and all I want to do is lay on the floor to stretch it out. But now I have new problems so that it makes me want to not move from my bed for at least a week. Standing up, sitting down, even getting 'excited' is an annoyance. I'd rather revert to being a little girl and play video games all night.
One thing I want to mention (and why have these entries all been so freaking LONG lately?!) is a nice thing that happened. I was on a skype dinner date with an old friend and I was going bonkers last night. Rubbing my face incessantly, typing ferociously, and I couldn't quiet my brain enough to get any interesting conversation out. And each passing silent moment was another stab of failure at my inability to control myself. After one such long silence I apologized- "I can't think of anything right to say".
He replied. "it's okay. awkward silences are true signs of love. because we're willing to share the silence. and be comfortable with it." I'd heard of the concept before (and didn't always buy it) but the fact that I think he really meant it surprised me and helped me calm down. It's okay? And as I thought about it- it was okay. I was nice to just listen to the air conditioner is someone else's home. Just lay in bed and know that someone just enjoyed my company. Not because I'm GORGEOUS or RANDY or ENTERTAINING. It was nice to have a friend there who... I guess... belonged to me? For a while? Of course we're not dating by any means but I guess that's why people long for a companion.
I think we all have a craving to belong to someone and have them belong to you. I'm a very jealous, it's true. A girl so full of passion, I become imprisoned to in my dedication. but I'm also pretty good at not showing it- I've become very practiced at swallowing that covetousness beast.
And of women too for who they are or who they have. I envy Aino for the easy way she makes and keeps certain friends, Mikan in her graceful humanity, Nikki & Ali & Lulu & Cynthia & Heather & Train Girl.
I'm tired. I have to get up and get to work to print the paperwork I forgot in order to get into ALA tomorrow. It's going to be difficult to get up- partly because I'm worried I'll go and have no friends left in the room. hm. It's going to be a difficult day no matter WHO is in the room come to think of it. O.o
FREAKING AUNT FLO. I've got the red curse! BLAH.
Well, even though I didn't mention this could be the reason for my freakout in the last entry, I did consider it a possibility in my head. But it turns out the little voice in the back of my head was right- it was just a lot quieter than the screaming voices in the front of my head. Today my suspicion was confirmed, I just had an abnormally large wave of estrogen wreaking havoc on my intelligence in preparation for that time-honored disaster known too well by all those cursed enough to be healthy post-puberty females. In other words, my time of the month.
Of course it didn't help that the meds wore off and I had been left alone for the better part of two weeks. When we're alone we want to see someone, when we're surrounded we want to be left alone. Now, the only reason I'm mentioning this at all is to mark to myself what it looks like. Or maybe it would be useful to some guy who wants to conquer my heart. To be calm in the midst of living with a lunatic, i must admit, is very attractive. My Dad always was, but that might be because he married a woman who seemed to having her "time of the decade" to deal with. He always brought me chocolate. And between you, me, and my little sister, I never craved chocolate to sooth me. But when he would sneak it to me so my brother's wouldn't get jealous, it would make me feel better because I saw that my father loved me. He wanted to help me in any way he could.
I've probably mentioned this a thousand times, but my favorite memory is sitting on the couch with my Dad who would tuck me under his arm on a Sunday night to watch TV with the family. And I always thought that he'd want me to move so he could sit with his wife. But Dad never sat in the corner of the couch, he put her on his other side and me under his arm and kept me safe. I don't remember the shows we watched but I know that was my favorite time. listening to the dishwasher downstairs, everything clean and neat. My Dad's was the first and only man-smell I had contact with for a long time. It never occurred to me how much I liked it until I came home one year after being at school.
Anyway. Turns out I'm not going insane, and no one hates me. Masato laughed when I apologized like an infant and told me that life was simple and to never worry about those things. And Jeremy, who was the closest to being in the thick of my tornado seemed okay with it. I don't know why. Maybe he figured it out before I did what was wrong with me. He told me a while back that when his old girlfriend would PMS he knew that all he had to do was "stuff her like a whale" with food. Just take her out and feed her. That'll probably work for me too. But honestly (other than my Dad of course) no one has ever really taken care of me that way because I don't think I've ever really been comfortable enough to tell a guy what the problem was. It's really very embarrassing. If you are a guy and you stumble on this, know it's just as maddening, painful, and disgusting as you'd imagine. So, no: I don't like to talk about it. But knowing that I'm not going to mention it, makes me want to hide. I don't know if that's better than spewing venom mercilessly. See? no happy medium. But why does it have to be that I get super emo right BEFORE? It remains a mystery for far too many damaging hours before I figure it out. And then my emotions calm and the physical agony starts.
My back is already killing me this week and all I want to do is lay on the floor to stretch it out. But now I have new problems so that it makes me want to not move from my bed for at least a week. Standing up, sitting down, even getting 'excited' is an annoyance. I'd rather revert to being a little girl and play video games all night.
One thing I want to mention (and why have these entries all been so freaking LONG lately?!) is a nice thing that happened. I was on a skype dinner date with an old friend and I was going bonkers last night. Rubbing my face incessantly, typing ferociously, and I couldn't quiet my brain enough to get any interesting conversation out. And each passing silent moment was another stab of failure at my inability to control myself. After one such long silence I apologized- "I can't think of anything right to say".
He replied. "it's okay. awkward silences are true signs of love. because we're willing to share the silence. and be comfortable with it." I'd heard of the concept before (and didn't always buy it) but the fact that I think he really meant it surprised me and helped me calm down. It's okay? And as I thought about it- it was okay. I was nice to just listen to the air conditioner is someone else's home. Just lay in bed and know that someone just enjoyed my company. Not because I'm GORGEOUS or RANDY or ENTERTAINING. It was nice to have a friend there who... I guess... belonged to me? For a while? Of course we're not dating by any means but I guess that's why people long for a companion.
I think we all have a craving to belong to someone and have them belong to you. I'm a very jealous, it's true. A girl so full of passion, I become imprisoned to in my dedication. but I'm also pretty good at not showing it- I've become very practiced at swallowing that covetousness beast.
And of women too for who they are or who they have. I envy Aino for the easy way she makes and keeps certain friends, Mikan in her graceful humanity, Nikki & Ali & Lulu & Cynthia & Heather & Train Girl.
I'm tired. I have to get up and get to work to print the paperwork I forgot in order to get into ALA tomorrow. It's going to be difficult to get up- partly because I'm worried I'll go and have no friends left in the room. hm. It's going to be a difficult day no matter WHO is in the room come to think of it. O.o
FREAKING AUNT FLO. I've got the red curse! BLAH.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Maccaroni
I'm freaking out I'm freaking out.
not in that way you'd think a person would freak out but I know it.
I'm panicking about nothing. Like, nothing. I feel this intense anxiety in my chest and my head. I feel lost even though I'm sitting on my bed and my face is sunk into this permenant worried look. I know it isn't natural, there isn't anything to be upset about. but I'm upset. It makes me dizzy and my breathing is getting short because I don't know what's going to happen to me. what am I going to say? I want to post something somewhere public and ask for help. I need help. My meds wore off and this sense of doom is back. I know what I'm worried about but it's nothing! Today masato called me but my phone was dead so I didn't pick up.
when I called him back he was in a mall and he seemed disconserted about talking to me. like I've been distant. and I have ben distant, from everyone. I've just spent the last two weeks trying to stay at home and do my thing, establish some habits to build a healthy normal life. but now all my friends sound like masato. it looks like everyone is mad at me. I feel that they are even though I have no proof.
I texted him an appolgy but he hasn't replaied back. he didn't even complain to start out with so why am I feeling so guilty? I just made this whole thing up in my head. and when I saw that he wasn't on skype anymoremy stomach dropped. he must be avoiding me. oh man. I know logically that's stupid but i still feel paniced. and now jeremy is trying to reach me. but I hate him right now, don't I? am I going to say something stupid or cruel?
my fingers are twitching I don't want to stop. I don't want to take the time to talk to Jeremy when the situation with Masato feels so pending!!!
Something is WRONG with me. I can't stop thinking. I have to stop thinking. just put some macaroni in my mouth. fill my mouth until all I can think about is chewing.
Oh man, i woke him up. I'm so dumb. he's not going to know that I appologized again, said goodnight and hung up. he's going ot think it was a bad connection. why amI so stupid? ARG.
I can't even act normal during my skype dinner. WHat am I supposed to do? I can't call anyone for help. they'll just think I'm dumb or making it up. I'd Trust Masato but I think he's mad at me. and the idiot wonder Jeremy here would't know how to be sympathetic to save his life. STUFF STUFF STUFF.
not in that way you'd think a person would freak out but I know it.
I'm panicking about nothing. Like, nothing. I feel this intense anxiety in my chest and my head. I feel lost even though I'm sitting on my bed and my face is sunk into this permenant worried look. I know it isn't natural, there isn't anything to be upset about. but I'm upset. It makes me dizzy and my breathing is getting short because I don't know what's going to happen to me. what am I going to say? I want to post something somewhere public and ask for help. I need help. My meds wore off and this sense of doom is back. I know what I'm worried about but it's nothing! Today masato called me but my phone was dead so I didn't pick up.
when I called him back he was in a mall and he seemed disconserted about talking to me. like I've been distant. and I have ben distant, from everyone. I've just spent the last two weeks trying to stay at home and do my thing, establish some habits to build a healthy normal life. but now all my friends sound like masato. it looks like everyone is mad at me. I feel that they are even though I have no proof.
I texted him an appolgy but he hasn't replaied back. he didn't even complain to start out with so why am I feeling so guilty? I just made this whole thing up in my head. and when I saw that he wasn't on skype anymoremy stomach dropped. he must be avoiding me. oh man. I know logically that's stupid but i still feel paniced. and now jeremy is trying to reach me. but I hate him right now, don't I? am I going to say something stupid or cruel?
my fingers are twitching I don't want to stop. I don't want to take the time to talk to Jeremy when the situation with Masato feels so pending!!!
Something is WRONG with me. I can't stop thinking. I have to stop thinking. just put some macaroni in my mouth. fill my mouth until all I can think about is chewing.
Oh man, i woke him up. I'm so dumb. he's not going to know that I appologized again, said goodnight and hung up. he's going ot think it was a bad connection. why amI so stupid? ARG.
I can't even act normal during my skype dinner. WHat am I supposed to do? I can't call anyone for help. they'll just think I'm dumb or making it up. I'd Trust Masato but I think he's mad at me. and the idiot wonder Jeremy here would't know how to be sympathetic to save his life. STUFF STUFF STUFF.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
