Crutch

Ok I need to let off a little steam here.

I'm going to admit it- Yes, I have a boyfriend. But it's complicated because he's in Japan and I'm here. So we've been "dating" by talking every day for the last 4 months for about 4 hours every day. That's a lot of time.

I think he's very smart and we are very very very similar. This is becoming a problem. Because, even though I think I'm pretty mature in relationships (at least I've worked hard to be communicative and patient and loving), why is it I always end up feeling like I'm the man? Yes, there is an age difference here, he's 5 years younger than me and I normally HATE younger men. Even by a day. This one though, I though was mature enough and experienced enough in long-term relationships that he could wear the pants. And really, in the beginning, it seemed that way. I would tell him about my fears and frustrations and he could handle them brilliantly and confidently. He was a man.

Now though... for the last few weeks there has been this distinct change signified by fights. Not fights initiated by me, I know this because 90% of the time I have to think to myself, "Just apologize, smile, and try to find a better way to communicate. It's probably just cultural. I'm sure we just had a miscommunication." I'm calm. Or at least I try to be. But then it spins out of my control again and I really can't keep the peace for so many hours on end.

On Valentines day it got to be so bad with no end in sight I broke down and yelled. This is what I hate the most, I yell and he gets quiet. I don't want to have a screaming match, I just want to get my point across and have a normal conversation to help fix it. But he just listens. and listens. and then he looks like he's about to cry and apologized for being such a "bad boyfriend". I don't think he's a bad boyfriend, I just want a conversation. Was he listening or is he just sorry that he made me so mad? And Most of the time these days I don't even know where these arguments are coming from. Even before they get too heated I recognize there is an issue and I say, "I'm sorry if I communicated that wrong, all I wanted was to tell you a story I thought was funny." But suddenly he's angry and it's not until an hour later that he tells me (probably at the moment of his realization) that the reason why he's trying to correct me in how I dealt with a classmate, is because he's jealous of the classmate. How is that possible? The story was about how much I HATE that guy. That was the entire purpose!!!

But he gets into these modes where I have no idea what to do. I really think that if I'm patient and kind and loving that we can work it out and talk about it. But he says my calm tone is condescending. If it is, it's probably because I'm trying to stay calm when I'm really very upset. I just don't want my upset and misunderstandings to take over my actions. Is that horrible? I thought it was just being mature.

You know once he was angry with me because I shook my head when we were talking? He said that when I make confused faces like that it looks like I'm not listening or that I think he's stupid. What's the solution to that? I stop shaking my head? I try not to let confusion show on my face? I'm sorry but.... WTH.

So I have to explain, "No, I don't think you're stupid and I promise I am listening. I just didn't understand what you meant." But I get this anger in my stomach and it's getting worse and worse.

The thing is, I need support. This graduate school thing is really tough and I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to always be trying to think ahead and control MY FACE for example or remember to nix every conversation that I had with a guy (my TA who is engaged is included). I feel like all I do is wrong for some reason I don't understand. And I can't seem to locate the source of this masculine PMS fast enough to avoid it. Can't we just talk? I've put a lot of my hopes on this one really working out. I'm really making plans to adjust my life to this guy.

And let me tell you, living in Utah at this time of my life, I've never felt more:
OLD
SINGLE
AND ALONE
before. I mean that both physically and intellectually. I'm not a Utah-girl and there is very little here that makes me feel at home. My classmates are not supporting me intellectually as I had hoped. And even though there are plenty of Asian people on campus, they're all so young and distant it's not like I can talk to them. I really feel alone here if it wasn't for someone to talk to at nights. (Where the Hell is Jeremy? Good question. About once a month he calls me so drunk out of his mind he can't even remember what he said the day before. and I really thought we were friends.)

Due to the intense nature of my program, I've fallen significantly behind in my Japanese studies. So it's like I'm having these horrible vacillations between having to master all this super high english for communications classes, to feeling dumb as a rock in Japanese.

So I'd like to depend on this guy. I'd like to. But these days.... Look, I can't even tell him all this because if I did, I'm sure he'd be very upset and apologize over and over and then claim what a horrible person or boyfriend he is and he's so so so sorry. But there are no solutions in that, I don't need or want an apology. and I don't want to bring this up because honestly I don't know what the exact problem is. I'm just tired of being everyone else's emotional crutch.

And I have to admit... because of the feelings I outlined, I really think if this relationship doesn't work out, I may really never get married. Never.