The Way You Make Me Feel

So yes, I went on another date tonight. Someone I met very briefly at AX this summer who got my facebook address. We've never corresponded since but randomly this week he asked if I was free for dinner. So I said Yes. It's not that hard to get dates when you actually say yes. What most girls complain about isn't not getting asked out, it's not getting asked out by guys they LIKE. Which is dumb if you think about it. You want to be single and date a lot of guys you like but not establish any relationship with them? Wouldn't that just say bad things about you?

Anyway, not the point. What I think I learned tonight may seem obvious to others but it just occurred to me. This guy is CLEARLY not the one for me. He's a current goth club hopper, former cross dresser, with long tattoos and most of his facebook photos are of him with heavy white makeup screaming into a microphone. I'm not saying any of that is bad at all but why the heck would he get all flustered and twitter-pated about ME for goodness sake? Mormon white straight-laced girl with a style that came right out of the 1930s and 40s. I'm not wild or brave or anything like that. I don't or clubbing or get wicked drunk or curse. I don't even like the taste of fish. So why does he imagine this would work?

I don't have the details of the theory down but I think people don't fall in love with all the check lists of what would make a good relationship. Instead, guys like girls who are encouraging and sweet: Someone you feel comfortable with who brings out the best in him.

I'll never be a surfer girl or a raver or a super sports fan. In the end, some of those lifestyle choices make a difference in a successful long term relationship. But when people decide to put their heart into someone, it's much much much less based upon what you think you look like or what you do as it is the way you treat people. The way you make people feel.

Same old thing/Headrest

All day I spent wishing to go home. Now that everyone is gone I don't want to go anymore.
Today feels just like yesterday and the weekend means nothing to me.

I'm supposed to speak in church on Sunday but I feel really not worthy to do it. Prepare a talk... I haven't done that in so long. I ate an apple today but skipped my meds but still I feel the same as yesterday. Maybe a little less patient.

So someone asked to take me out tomorrow as a new year’s resolution to go on more dates. I feel like it's a waste of my time but if I don't have any plans on Saturdays I end up staying in bed until 3pm. So it's a good motivator. I should go to the hospital and get the labs taken like my doctor told me to but I can't figure out where to go so I'm too scared to try by myself. Who knows what I'll do with the free time this weekend. I already finished the DFs for next week. Probably nothing.

Just blah. I know a social life will come back to me soon and I'll probably perk up just fine. I know I'll probably be just fine. I'm smart enough to know that whatever feelings you have won't last forever. But can I say one thing I would love? I don't want to drive home by myself again tonight. It's such a long and boring drive. The same music on the FM, the same complaints about the fiscal cliff on the AM. Nothing changes.

It's my fantasy that I'll be here at work and someone offers to come pick me up. I'll wait all night for that just so I don't have to drive home without any prospect of something new. Anything new. Where is my adventure?

Like I said, a social life will come to me soon. So I really shouldn't go the path of reaching out to those friends of mine who are solo relations. By that I mean people I know who don't know any of my OTHER friends. It's just the two of us existing in our own world with our own rules. Not in all, but in most cases those are the ones that get me into the most trouble. Because then when we're together it's like the rules of the world don't apply.

Admittedly, not all my 'solo' relationships are that way. John for example, although I rarely see our mutal relations, when I'm with him I don't get into trouble. He always takes care of me. I don't really know why. But he's kind and always let's me rest my head on his shoulder when I'm tired or worried or stressed. Most of the time that's all I need. Someone to support my head.

I just don't have a headrest tonight.

Under happy

i am really so tired. Not sleepy, just under happy. Or something. Because I'm not in a mode where thoughts come with fluidity, I hope you'll forgive the stagnant sentences I don't have the energy to string into cohesive story.
I can't get the motivation to clean again. My Dad said I should keep my journal because I'm going to forget. He's right. I don't even remember most of what happened to me in college- and tjat was only 5 years ago.

I spent too much at christmas. Literally. I'm a tad over drawn. Which is the worst feeling in the world. The truth is, it was three things, I jumped the gun on having my car paid off (January is the last one) and I replaced the money I'll be saving on financing a new computer because my old one was on it's last legs. Second, I spent WAY too much of christmas gifts. That's not normal for me but this year I desperately wanted to give everyone a good gift. And I felt better about my finances than I have in so so so many years. Well I blew that. But lastly, when I checked my account last I didn't realize my roommate hadn't deposited my rent/utilities check until the 24th... so that sucks. Financial difficultly always takes the wind out of my lungs. It's embarrassing and disheartening and brings me back feelings I had as a child when I said I didn't want any kids at all. I can't even believe I'm writing this in a public place. I'm going to regret it I know.

Christmas this year was... tough. For everyone. The main things that made it so were unavoidable really. My parents have sold the house and for inspections they've had to keep it clean. That means none of the major decorations or traditional movies are games were taken out. My mommy was depressed about that. My little sister had surgery on a tongue defect she had since birth which has caused her to have a slight lisp all her life. The numbness of her mouth and the stitches made her tired and more than a little somber too. My younger brother didn't make it home at all. My sister in law is such a poor hostess that any traditional christmas we might have had at her home was a "material gathering opportunity". It rained and rained everyday I was there and I started my lovely time of the month. And then I had to fly home in the middle of christmas day. Which broke my heart. I had a very awkward dinner with the Bishop and his family and then went to see Le Miserable in theaters which was very good on a standard scale but really only a 7/10 to me. But I decided to keep my mouth shut about my feelings that way.

I came home and I still don't want to unpack. My parents have been asking me to get off their family phone plan for a number of years now and so I have, but it caused a lot more problems than I hoped. I got an iphone because over thanksgiving I left my ipod touch on the plane and I deeply wanted to have that familiarity back. But with the transfer to my new phone, only half of my contacts followed and none of my pictures or video or any of the precious texts I've been saving. It doesn't sync with my car's speakers so I no longer have handsfree. It took me half a day to locate and reestablish my appleID so I could piece back together some of the smidgens of things I had on my ipod. But most of it I'm going to have to start over.

It was the first christmas that it hit me and I became physically afraid of not being able to provide my parents with a grandchild by christmas 2014. My older brother has somewhat screwed the pooch as far as that opportunity goes. My parents are working so hard to provide the perfect Grandparent home... and what is a holiday if you don't have children to share it with? My two youngest cousins (daughters of my divorced Aunt Dawn) are going to be living with them in Utah but they'll quickly be too old for these kind of celebrations.

Just before I came to LA one of the members of my Mommy's family did something so heinous to be sentenced to prison for some many many years. This caused a huge rift and upheaval of everyone's lives and bitter and angry fights split the whole huge family. Where we once used to gather for every holiday with all the step-cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and babies... is left a void. Every holiday season especially it pains my poor mother and I can see it in her eyes. I want to be able to provide that big family for her again. Give someone to sew for again. To build that large lovely family she longs for again. So I started to fear that the task falling to me, I will not be able to do. I'll fail.

And here I am at home. Feeling misunderstood and lost. Luckily, I went shopping for food before I found about about my account but the stab at my stomach that remembering that brings doesn't make me hungry.

Something else my Dad said to me while I was at home, the more I want something, the more I consider it impossible. He's right. But then, it was never likely I'd get to see Japan anyway no matter how I felt about it. No matter how badly I WANT it, there is not fairy godmother. ANd I'll always be stuck with me. My friend Bernard is going to travel soon. To Spain then Russia and Tokyo. But I'll be here in L.A.  I'm happy for him but I guess I'm just different. I'm just not made for that.

30 degrees

My eyes are sore from crying. I hope that was the lowest point of the tornando-like depression that has set on me this week. That one blog I read was right, it's not about finding happiness, it's about being one feeling higher than you were before. I went from devastatingly embarrassed to miserable guilt to utter self loathing up to... uh... well. At least someone doesn't hold it against me. I don't feel worthless...  I still don't feel valuable still and I'm still tormented by my own selfish cycle of pride but I don't feel worthless anymore.

It's like going on a picnic when it gets up to 30 degrees. You'll take what you can get.

Count for me?

It was one of those BAD evenings where I cancel my plans so I can get somethings done and end up doing nothing. Not even the basics of eating and dressing. It occurs to me I do less when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just stop doing everything instead of juggling what I can. And since I lost my precious ipod (I'm still very very depressed about that) I've had to put all my plans for the month back into a calendar... which made me realize how little time I have. Christmas parties, Vel's graduation, buying gifts for the family, sending boxes to England, and unfortunately .. dates. But not always with the right people and often, not enough to make everyone happy. Finally Jubei asked me out (after 4 years it's about time) and Alex set a day he wants to take me to take me out. I haven't seen T***** in weeks even though I'm pretty sure we were going somewhere with that. But he's busy or I'm busy... it doesn't seem to bother him. But M***** came over randomly on Sunday basically to ask me to take him back. But the answer is still a fervent 'no'. I'm not anyone's fallback plan.

But I have this weird cold thing that only is effecting my voice and my energy. I'm going to see my doctor this Thursday to see how I'm progressing with the medicine... and to weigh me. I don't think I'm doing any better than 3 months ago. Worrying about that makes me (get this) not hungry. Just as when I'm busy suddenly I do nothing. Just nerves. fear taking over again.

Someone count to three for me. It's the only way I can medicine I don't like. Monday I asked Jeremy do it . He counted 1, 2, 3 and I took the yucky medicine.

I need someone to count to 3 for my life. Ready to get out of bed Casey?
One
Two...
THREE!

Civil War

Tough week. Before the election, I had a 5 day migraine so bad I couldn’t think. After the election, I’ve had just people who don’t care to hear what I think even if I said it. Fetishizing multiculturalism and diversity, driving people farther and farther apart- people are acting like bullies and animals. I feel lost and purposeless in this sea of aggressively wicked stupidity. My assistant at work is exactly what I’m afraid of for the future. She could be bright, but she can’t wait for me to finish any explanation of my stance before she launches into half-baked slogans and over-generalized ideas she’s heard said by her hipster-wise buddies at the bar she frequents. Even as she’s saying it, I can tell it’s not a thought that came from her own mind.

Have you ever heard a novice do voice acting? Even if they wrote the words themselves, reading them out loud sounds stale and rehearsed. That’s kinda the feeling I got patiently listening to her. I didn’t interrupt and I didn’t correct her until she felt like she was done speaking. Half way through I wondered if she thought she was properly schooling me on objections I’d never heard before. I wasn’t acting confused or frustrated by her objections. I didn’t use language that implied she was an idiot or that I was attempting to change her mind- just answering her questions about what I believed. But it didn’t matter. She wasn’t there to hold a real discussion or to understand like she pretended. She has that tone all young ignorants have when they can’t commit to even their own ideas for fear of offending or looking uncool. It’s the tone where every statement is turned into a question. This time, it wasn’t even limited to the attitude but her opinions were stated in the form of a question too. Starting with, “Well, don’t you think that…” or “But do you really think that…?”.

I’ve had to face the same issue with people asking questions about my religion too. Those not truly interested in anything deeper than rubbing a hallow intellectual ego in my face who waste my time. It has a good side effect to it- I have learned how to carefully phrase ideas so they are strong and unarguable. Much like my favorite Logic and Reasoning class back in college. I’ve written about this before so I’ll move on.

But no matter who I talk to, I always treat my challenger with respect. The best thing I ever trained myself to assume is that the other person has the best intentions. They may not understand and that may not be their fault. I let the burden of the discussion fall on my shoulders and my ability to communicate truth. Otherwise, I’m happy to learn. Eager even.

I’ve recognized a pet peeve in myself. The kind of thing that makes me snap and brings to mind the image of a cornered cat- the bristling back hair and low growl followed by lashing out with claws so fast, the razor sharp nails are a blur in the fervent attack. What I hate more than anything is to be treated like an idiot. Maybe I’m a little over sensitive to it because I’m so conscious of my failings. But if I can’t be pretty and I can’t be brave, then all I have to go on is my brain. Can I make clear enough how vital that is to my person? Don’t get me wrong- I don’t mind being a student! I’d be a real fool if I willingly ignored the wisdom that others have to give. That’s how I got to be a good communicator- listening and taking in what people have to say. But it grates on my very last nerve to be treated like or be spoken to as though I were a shut in, a dimwit, red-neck, bible pounding, bigot, with only enough reason to be a Stepford wife.

Phrases like, “Get out of your cage”, "Don't be so naive“, “You’re so cute”, and “You just don’t understand” enflames the violent part of my imagination. As though anyone knows and has experienced the world as a sage enough to earn the right to be disrespectful and crudely offensive. I find the smartest people in the world are kind and no matter how brilliant you are, I expect it from you too.

Jeremy has that habit. Among not answering my questions (with either a catch phrase or an indirect lie) and refusing my offers until the identifiable stars align, it’s probably my least favorite of his. Naturally, he picked election night to jam an icepick into that nerve. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end I was so mad. And now 3 days later I’m still not in the mood to go back and talk to him. I tried yesterday but I was just not born with a star-alignment gift.

It was busy today so I wouldn’t have had much to say specifically to him anyway but I can’t get rid of this wounded feeling. I have to fight even my best friend? I’m tired of this week.

Past Tense

On the one hand, I could never be with someone like that because of how self-centered he is. At the same time, here I am about to complain to my blog how utterly beat and tense I am and I'd like someone to put me to bed.

I'm too beat to list all the fires. Let's put it this way, It's 12:35am and my flight leaves in about 30 hours and I literally have not had the time to take my brand new Macbook I bought a week ago out of the box and set it up for proper use.

Much less started packing yet.

Al says I shouldn't have to do this stuff, but the truth is, I do. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have the skills and the desire to use them for good instead of evil. What I don't have is time. And Help. But maybe those things are a part of my personality too.

I'll try to decide as I sleep if I'm more tired or more tense.

Rare

I kinda like those days when something takes you outside the office in the middle of your work day to shake things up. A fire drill, a company lunch, even just going down stairs to get the mail can be a cleansing experience. Just something to shake up your day.

My excessively cute guy friend had an interview at UCLA hospital today and dropped by to see me at work. I came outside and we sat on a bench while I asked him how the interview went. Then as I let him out of the parking structure he leaned out of the window and kissed me.

So, it was kinda a nice break from my normal day. Random, rare, and really nice to come back into the office with this secret...

sick & tired & disneyland

I am sick. I am tired. and I promised to work on this ad. Why is it when you can't handle much, it all seems to pile on top of you? I've been with this bug for over a week now and it's debilitating and frustrating. I stayed up late last night and the night before I had TERRIBLE food poisoning which kept me up. And no I have to wake up extra early to do this print ad by tomorrow  and my busted computer that I was trying to replace since I thought this illness was a simple allergy, doesn't recognize my external hard drive so I have to go back through all my emails and download PEICE BY PEICE all the graphic elements from my last ad for them because the client isn't bright enough to send it together ever, much less when I need to do a brand new ad for them. But they can't send it to me until later this afternoon. Well I won't be sitting around this afternoon because I have so many other responsibilities  that I need to get done I'm not even sure I'll be able to get to THEM because it's Lisa's birthday and I told her we could go to disneyland.

But I'm writing all these pathetic issues here instead of any place where I can get help (even my roommate will be gone until Sunday night... and btw I have to keep the house pristine until she does because she's coming with her family and wants them to be impressed.) because I don't want to be a complainer and have Tim call me a failure or a quitter. You know what else sucks? I'm worried about Tim and I'd like to reach out to him but the last time I did that he called me two-faced. So what do I have to do to be a good friend, sit here and pretend I don't care? I've never been good at that so we'll see how long I stay smart and not got to the rescue of someone who clearly doesn't want me around.

#$&% I HATE DISNEYLAND.

Zombie Dream

I had a long dream last night about the zombie apocalypse. It was pretty omni-present no matter what I was dreaming about. Including the end of the dream where all the zombies were decomposing enough that everything was turning back to normal and I found my ex. So now that it was safe, we ran to his old apartment where he lived when I first met him. And even though he was married, we kissed and joked about them never finding us, and it was a new beginning for us. But as we stepped outside, there she was- all the way from Florida with her mother, and my step-mother and sister. She was white for some reason. They invited us to dinner now that the apocalypse was over and we (my family and I) reluctantly accepted. And I had to drive downtown with her holding his hand and kissing his cheek and singing a song. She had a very pretty voice.

Stupid zombies.

Strange thing is, even though it was a zombie dream in the way that people come back from the dead, it was also a zombie dream to be remembering these people who should be long gone from my memory. I wish they'd stay dead sometimes but they keep coming back. All decayed and everything.

food focus

I'm on a link kick this morning. I can't focus. I didn't eat much on Sunday or Monday and I was too grummpy to eat more than lunch and a few crackers on Tuesday. That might be the problem. Ironicly, I just wanted to save this link for myself because I remember almost all of these:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/25-foods-youll-never-eat-again

i should have just gone to bed.

Totally ungrateful b**** moment:

My parents sent me a gift for my birthday so I waited 'til midnight to open it.

It's a book on 100 simple and stylish ways to fold napkins.

7:15pm

Got to work an hour early today. By accident of course, but it happened. In answer to my previous post's question- Yes; even when I get to work early, I still leave at around 7.

An ethernet cord fell on my head today

Long day... is long.
Started off with IT calling me (from Virginia) at home saying the server was down... and it's up to me to see what's up. But before I could swoop in and save the day, the manager took it upon himself to call someone not qualified to help and UNPLUGGED CRAP which took me a nice chunk of time to fix.

Then I got shouted at because I told them to wait for me next time there was an issue. "Well what did you expect us to do?! You don't get it Casey!" I get it plenty. I get it better than you do. That's why you pay me. But Prince Jason of MCW understood me. Even though I'm sure he doesn't think I heard him, he said it wan't my fault. And that was nice.

Final answer, I need to get to work earlier. But if I do, will I still end up staying until 7? It would be nice to have my evenings back.

Can I Live Alone?

Sometimes I think I'd like to try living alone. When I first moved to L.A. even if that was financially possible, I'm pretty sure that would have been a tremendously bad idea. But as my roommate is gone for the next week and a half, I caught the thought that I wonder what it would be like to be the sole determiner of how clean my kitchen is. And if I cooked or baked every Sunday as I always planned and I was never afraid of getting in someone's way or being horrified at the disaster the last person left in a rush, would I? Would I scrub like I did tonight?

First it started in my room, slowly. I turned on my latest Netflix 'Coraline' and microwaved myself a dinner with a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. I text-chatted with my new friend and I browsed OKCupid in a passive-agressive attempt to lick my wounds from the other night. Then it kinda began, I picked up the art mess from the billboard project, put away the documents on my desk, swept, hung my clothes, and took out the trash. But i needed a new trash bag and as I went to retrieve one from the kitchen... I was disgusted. I put the new bag on the counter and started to put things away.

Then I emptied and filled the dish washer. But after that it only feels natural to wipe out the sink. and the the appliances. That lead to noticing the walls and the sticky counters and the fridge and the floors and celling and... well an hour and a half later I think, I finally picked up the trash bag and walked it to my room.

All the while I thought about Cynthia and maybe living on my own. Not that it's her fault of course. She has a lot of great qualities that make living with a little dirt a small sacrifice. But I thought a lot about being 'not international enough'. I wonder if I shouldn't have taken this job so seriously and went ahead with my plans to apply to teach english in Japan. Or maybe I should take more formal classes in Japanese. Or maybe I need to look at studying to take the GMAT and applying to get into grad school. Then I can be the international woman I dreamed of and forget letting the river I'm in take me the slightly mundane course I'm on. There's no adventure and life in fear. and I have a lot of fear. Having a masters wouldn't change me but it might put me on a path towards delaying dating.

I know, I sound obsessive but right now for some reason I am focused like a lazer. I even said so in my prayer over dinner tonight that even though this is the focus of my mind right now, it's only possible because of the blessings God has given me so I don't have to worry about other things. I don't have a huge medical bill to pay off, I'm relatively healthy with a lot of good friends, a good solid job that I like, I have a lovely home (that is 70% clean now), my car is running, my family is safe and happy (minus one little brother who is struggling with life), and I am still attractive enough to feel confident.

So I have to remind myself of two things. The first is life is good and I should be grateful for that. And the second is that if God has a plan for us all and He wants me to be happy in this life, then I'm going to have faith enough to want to bend my will to what he wants for me even if it's not what I have in mind right now. But I did ask God that if what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice to fulfill his will according to that great unknown happiness, that He let me know. Or at least when I see the right (or better) path, that I'll be sensitive enough to know that's what I should do, even if I don't know why or don't like it. I asked him to help me be prepared for whatever it is and in the meantime, to help me have peace and not let me be frustrated by the things I don't understand.

Help me stay away from men who would use me. And how would that work out? To deal with the great temptation of living alone, and I don't mean MY OWN temptation. I mean people like Phillip who lied to me this week. I need a break from him. But if we don't stay friends, I don't think either of us will consider it a great loss. I'll miss him, but it's probably for the best. The point is, if I lived alone, would I ever want to come out again into the sunlight? or would I waste away in front of my computer? Or would I be ready to take the responsibility of the cleanliness of my place when I invite over that special person?

...It makes me sad to think about how I couldn't sleep because I worried so badly that my house wouldn't be ready to welcome Mr. 10 Days. I worked so hard to get it ready... I really wanted that to work so badly... "Not international enough". Huh... maybe I'll sleep on the couch again tonight...

...waiting

hello good old blogger. I return to thee after another heartbreak. That's 2 this week. So I may as well recap for the people just joining.

Let me tell you the story that ended tonight.

A month or two ago I met a really wonderful guy. I liked him, a lot. And for me, that's saying something. He asked me out once and then again. At the end of our second date I told him I'd be busy that weekend so he said he'd see me after those 10 days. 10 days goes by. I hear nothing.
11 days.
12 days.
13 days. I decide it's time to take action.
14 days. I text him gently to find out what's up. He immediately writes back that he's studying for the bar exam and has no time for frivolities. I'm okay with that , I understand work comes first.
another week and a half goes by and I hear nothing. Everyone can see how excited I am about him. even my co-workers ask me what's up and every time I have to admit that I have no idea. it's like he just disappeared which is even more strange the fact that he live within walking distance of my home.
So I decide to take a little more action. I put together a collection of foods I thought he'd like from around my house, put them in a nice bad and the tied it shut with a black hair ribbon (I heard that it's good if you leave something behind that smells like you.) I walked it to his house and he was so flattered he walked me home. He held my hand and told me what his life was like. Even though it was nice, I felt like I was the puppy from lady and the tramp who had escaped her bed and was now being escorted back to where I belonged. We had kissed on our previous date but not this time. He tells me he'd be studying until July 24th. That's at least a month. I promise not to bother him.
July 25th... nothing.
July 26....
July 27.......
today is July 28th. I went to the ward film festival all gussied up and not thinking about it until he showed up.

Long story of the evening short his last act of the night was to finally approach me. I told him I had missed him and it was good to see him again. He hesitated and finally, haltingly, told me the truth. First it was a bunch of gook about how busy he was and now he wanted to relax. Then it was more merda about how he wanted me to be free to date. I just stayed quiet. I thought I'd help him out for a bit and say it was okay, but it really wasn't. The way he was looking at the floor told me that's wasn't everything. So I waited.
3 seconds....
6 seconds....
An eternity...
Y'know he looked just the same as the last time I saw him- just really adorable. Finally he looked up and some how communicated that I was not what he was looking for in a partner. He wanted someone more international that spoke chinese and now that he was 36 he didn't have time to waste anymore. He thinks I'm very smart and very kind but he wanted to be honest with me.
Well, at last anyway.

Somehow at that point we exchanged a few sentences about dating inside the church vs. catholic people and how he didn't want to hang out because I'd get the wrong idea. something. It doesn't matter at that point. I forgot. Some annoying friends who were too dumb to see the intense situation I was in called out to me. He gave me a weak hug goodbye (which was much worse than the one he gave me when he first saw me tonight- like he was glad he came just so he could see me) and then left.

It really hurts. I spent the rest of my night trying not to tear up. talking to people. driving home. Posting photos on fb from the event. I know we didn't date long but I had so much hope for this one. A lot of energy and love I rested on him. And as I dated and went on with life for the last few months he was always in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. I told everyone, I'm waiting until the end of July. and...
To keep from getting too emotional, I'm just going to skip whatever other memories I have that made me like him so much. Or I'll try. I guess i just need to keep looking...

1 minute....
2 minutes....
3 minutes....

I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. maybe that'll help...

Love is Unfair

There it goes again and I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. I start to like someone and then he finds out that I'm mormon and drops me like a rock. This one was a man I really respected too. He googled my name (FREAKN INTERNETZ) and the rest is history. It always is. Never know a person too well. It ruins everything.

I've tried these LDS dating sites and I'm actually surprised how disappointed I am. I can't find one person who remotely interests me? Not one? How is that possible? How long is this going to last?

Rejection is agony but I don't know if I can face the idea of cutting myself off from the world and committing my life to that awful concentrated loneliness such that has kept me so isolated from what's normal and so lonely for so much of my life.

And really, right now my life peaceful: some routine to my day and some space for my own life. I have the room to breathe and just be for a while. I can't express enough how grateful I am for it too. No illness or real life-changing decisions to make. No huge bills or breakdowns. Just dealing with day to day stuff and getting by happily enough. It's really enough for me right now.

But I catch myself from time to time still yearning to dedicate my time to a cause bigger and better than myself. At first it was the scsm, then maid cafe, then cp or whatever. But what's better than serving another person? It's not sex or friends I'm longing for. Just what I always want, purpose.

I try to be lovely and positive and bring out as much of the best of my personality that I can. I try to say yes to everyone who asks me for time and attention and I try to be good and maintain some respect for myself. So if I want to find happiness instead of waiting for it to fall on my head, what do I have to do? What should I say to this guy and other guys like him?  Sometimes it just feels unfair.

headache of a headache

I have a nasty headache. Probably from the lack of sleep all weekend and then the over- compensation of sleep today. I didn't take my meds today or yesterday either so I really just want to sleep all the time. But will that make my headache worse?

Virginia

What a crazy roller coaster day. It was good then bad then sad then a glimmer of hope followed by much  busy then ... stuff. Frustration and success followed by more fail and then happiness... hours of happiness follow by... this. what a disappointment.

Maybe I should quit. Not my job, I mean everything else. I hate it when people ask me what I do as a hobby cause I don't have any. I used to, but now everything I love has turned into work.

There is this guy who I'm convinced in my brain I should really like but I don't. I've been out with him a few times but I just can't get into him. In fact, he texted me at lunch today to see if we could meet up and it made me angry. I know I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because he's a nice guy who is very smart and educated and secure. He's LDS and speaks mandarin.  He's attractive in all the classic ways and very kind, even if he's a lot more adventurous than me. He's respectful and best of all - he's interested in me. But I can't stand it, why don't I like him? He just... bugs me. I don't think it's any fault of his.

Think I know why 10 Days disappeared without so much as a text. He even told me, because I'd make the "perfect bride". Just like this one. 10 minutes after I tell my friend the truth, he's 'tired'. and I feel so stupid for saying anything. For believing what people say when they tell me to relax. I feel like I shouldn't be honest because people like to see themselves in their others. That's a nasty thing to say of course but I feel that way. Even so, I should stick to mormon guys because then I don't have to explain and justify myself and get heartbroken.

I feel that way too with this new work I'm in. It's like the moment I solve one issue, another pops up. And to people hovering over me, perfection seems easy. Well I'll never be a writer or a doctor. I'm not a detail oriented person and I don't know why that fact is going to ruin my life but it might. I can handle a little rough handed critique but I'm really not a boy. I feel the burden of each correction and mistake so physically. And I don't think they recognize yet that I'm not actually getting anything out of this. I don't take home any new likes. Generally perks don't apply to me because my name isn't on anything so my personal notoriety isn't growing and I don't qualify for staff badges.  But that's all peanuts. What probably bothers me most are none my victories are shared with anyone. So why am I doing this again? I forgot, this was supposed to be fun?

When I get my brain back maybe I'll figure out an answer which is why I'm not going to say anything right now. They may be my feelings but that doesn't make them correct or valuable. No, the facts are there. I don't have much at the moment to be proud of. In comparison to any other person I may seem talented but when within the ring of light cast by performance, I fade. So maybe I don't belong there. At least not right now.

They say all the greats had to suffer a lot of failure before they got to be that way. But the real reason I'd never be great or never fall in love is because I hate to fail. It's painful. It's pride of course that makes me think this way and it's pride that will keep anyone from greatness no matter how much talent they have.

If only I could stay away from wanting greatness. From wanting to be more. From getting drawn into leadership roles and really bright lights. And boys. All boys. Boys for bosses, boys who lie, boys who tell the ugly truth.

I feel a little better now though. As long as I don't think about anything too long I'll sleep fine. it's 1am here and 4am there. TTYL.

Discipline.

That kind of shallow thinking just disgusts me. Arguing that people can't possibly be any different from you is insulting to me. You do realize that you're calling me a liar right? That you actually doubt my existence and the existence of some of the best people I've ever known? You think that imagining that no one could be more disciplined than you is somehow a virtue? And you call me close minded and naive when you don't know what you're talking about clearly. How is it someone could honestly say to me that there is no such thing as a good person and then turn around and call ME inexperienced?! Good gravy which of the two of us hasn't lived in the world long enough?!
You think I don't know about consequences and temptations? You think I never fought against things that were bad for me because I am smart enough to know what's best? You're a fool and your weakness and cowardice and judgmental high-and-mighty attitude are so unattractive I don't know how you can look at yourself. You know one time you said to me that men and women could never be friends. That men always want something from them. You said this to ME. YOUR FRIEND? A GIRL? What kind or moron are you? Trying to send me some kind of pathetic signal? Then years later we have THIS blessed conversation where in it you tell me I can't really be who I am. ME. I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU BIG BIGOTED MORON.

Angry dish washing

That's a new one for me. But it was kinda fun to shout to myself and get stuff done at the same time.

Lost Status

I'm getting tired and cranky so I thought I'd write this out.

FB Status updates that didn't make my wall tonight:

Okay that's 3 engagement of 6 of my friends in the last 30 days. The math says I should own about 4 dozen cats by now.

I should be doing something productive now that I cleaned my room... but I'm so tired from cleaning it I don't want to do anything.

Why is my cut from the 4th of July still bleeding?

Tonight I thought the words, "Her kitchen is such a mess" before I remembered I live here too.

I'm not convinced these are the right elf ears to buy... #nerdworldproblems

I should be ashamed. I don't know where my closest bookstore is.

With all the time I spend (that I shouldn't be) working on Cosplay Photographers, I really don't have time or energy to care for my Venus account to be an independent Maid Idol.  But what do I do with one of the most well-known maid accounts state side with almost as many friends as Casey has but with MORE PHOTOS?

My father always said that there is no such thing as a bad situation, just a material gathering opportunity. I wish I could have seen the enormous amount of potential in the model-like poses my fb friend has been whipping out and photographing every time she breast-feeds her newborn before I unsubcribed. I can only take so much humor.

Phyko

Something is wrong with me. Not news to anyone but this, I just don't get.
I'm sitting on my bed with a bowl of dinner in my lap. It's warm, I'm hungry, and it's midnight. But I don't want to eat it. I want to do anything else. I don't want to eat it. I know I'm hungry- my stomach hurts. So why can't I lift the fork to eat? I just want to take a nap instead.

Seriously, is this a physiological thing?

In other news, I really hate how I have to now not only look left and right before I cross the street, but up too. Just in case a piano falls on my head. When something does come crashing down, they'll say, "Why didn't you look up?!"
I'd say, "When have I ever needed to look up?! Traffic should be coming from either direction! This is not normal! Put some freakn' signs around that say No More High-rise Piano Moving." But that would be silly huh?

SUDDENLY.

I'm an independent woman and I almost hate it. For sure, it's something I should be proud of but I don't think I was ever meant to be left alone to fend for myself. So why can't I fall in love with someone who is right for me? Someone asked me why I wasn't married (or dating anyone) yet and I thought, because there's something wrong with me. But how to you say that without embarrassing the questioner? I mention this because maybe if I was really a grown up woman taking care of myself, then I should be able to eat this dinner, right?  and if I can't, does that mean I'm not capable?

Recently I'm getting that old familiar feeling of not being able to do anything right the first time. But self pity never rowed to England. I really wish I could google the answer.

The internet is amazing, but it doesn't have all the answers. It doesn't have Revolutionary Girl Utena episode 20.

Dad's Attack

So my Dad had a heart attack on Saturday while I was at the Tea event in the south bay. My little sister called me in tears and told me she was at the hospital waiting for the doctors.

What she didn't know was that his heart stopped once in the ambulance. He had died for a moment until they brought him back with paddles. He said it felt he had just fallen asleep. After the surgery, he was in his bad and during the night I guess... he lost a lot of blood. He said the nurse cried "Sweet God!" when he hadn't even noticed the leak. It was all over the floor and walls he said. But they cleaned it up.

My step-mommy spent the night at the hospital in a chair. I talked to him on the phone this morning until he fell asleep. He's fine they say. He's fine, and I'm fine (even though I did start balling in the Carl's Jr. when I found out.) but.. I dunno. I'm ... not fine. My Dad is my best friend. and no one understand me better in the world. The week before, I was trying to resist calling him until I figured out what was wrong with me on my own. I called him just to hear his voice but he could tell something was wrong and I ended up telling him everything. All my frustrations regardless of whether I had previously determined that these  were things I didn't want him to know.

In the end he won on a few arguments. And I realized there isn't a damn thing I can do about Jeremy's additutde. Especially as long as I don't have the first clue as to what the problem is. I thought we were close, but I must have been wrong. So I stopped trying to talk to him during the day. As I could have guessed, he hasn't made the slightest effort to find out why. It's alright, really. Now I don't have to feel so abandoned everyday.

But when I heard about my Dad and I had finally composed myself enough to carry on socializing with the people I was with, all I wanted to do was see someone. Anything other than doing what I had planned on- heading up to a place I'd never been to go Go-Karting. it was distracting and fun in the end but at the same time... I kept thinking about when I could get out of there and see someone. I thought about driving out to see Phillip, but he would have been at work at that point. I wanted to call Jeremy, at least to see if he'd be willing to try being a shoulder I needed again.

But I didn't because I don't think I can handle the disappointment that would bring right now.

The only solace I have found is that I really don't want to go to the LA1st ward right now. So instead I went to the Huntingbeach ward and took a very very long silent drive home. I'm in my Pjs now and I should probably eat or call my mom (it being my favorite holiday ever- Mother's Day) But I think I'm going to just lay here for a while. And as much as I'd like to, I can't think of a non-attention-seeking way to update my status as thus so people understand stop asking why I seem out of it. It just doesn't seem right to let everyone in on that kind of serious bussiness. I don't want all the pity anyway. What am I supposed to say? No, I'm not fine. No, I don't need anything thanks.

Cynthia just brought me a toasted bun with butter. I'm going to eat it.

Call me maybe

She knows fair well she mu'naught fright thee.
Canna thou show me?
Fair better to know her.
Show me the key.
Show her the key.

Should I say SOMETHING or NOTHING

"I'm so tired I want to cry."

I don't normally say that to strangers. But it's better than telling them I already am. It puts a lot of pressure on them to respond. And I determined that I agree that being or at least appearing happy is a moral social obligation.

But the only one I can talk to or who is willing to talk to me right now is this guy from Mongloia. I barely know him even though he's threatening to come visit in a few months. He says he wants to show me that he is the best choice as a... husband? but yesterday he ended our conversation abruptly. "Yesterday i feel something bad thats why i didnt continue chat with you. Cus i still single and i dont have girlfriend or wife yet. Sometimes i need support" It made me think. If I'm ever going to have a relationship I have to be honest. and this guy may not know what he's asking for but he's entitled to know.
So I told him. the truth is I'm not fine today. I'm so tired and I don't know why. I feel like all I ever do is try to finish things in between eating. All I ever do is think about how I'm not eating enough!!! ANd that's all the blogs will tell me! Eat more! EAT EAT EAT like it's so easy!!! JUST EAT MORE they say.

I'm so tired, I didn't go to lunch until 4:30. so I don't want to eat again. I don't want to cook or even think about getting out. and I come home to this house again and it's cold. and my room is still messy. It just won't go away no matter how much work I put into it. and I wake up everyday and I hate seeing that I forgot to do it again. but I'm late so I run out the door and when I come home so tired, I hate that it's still there. WAITING.

But I don't have time for that right now because in the middle of my crammed day I posted the daily feature (which almost gave me an aneurism because the first one I picked, just before posting, I looked again and found it wasn't that good. Plus the artist wasn't given proper credit. I had to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch.) but I was stupid and trusted someone's link and didn't check my sources throughly enough and posted the wrong damn artist. I feel so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed. I really want to be a great marketing woman, but I can't seem to get it right. I feel like I have great talent in me because I can see how to improve everything but I can't seem to get anything right!

Why is it that when no one does anything, and then when I step up to plate, suddenly everyone can think of 1000 ways to do it better? My spelling is off or I said the wrong gender, or I capitalized too many words, or any number of things. Whatever I could miss, I probably will. And everyone will see it and have to point it out- immediately. and I deserve to have it pointed out publicly because they're obviously huge and dumb mistakes I should have caught. What bothers me most is that it looks like I'm not doing my job or not trying. and I swear I am. I'm trying.

I have no idea why, but that stupid tumblr password wouldn't let me in for like half an hour! I kept struggling with it to no avail until magically it works for no good reason. I log out and try again and it won't WORK. I don't know why!!! ANd I can't find the part of the CSS I want to change, I keep searching through all the code but I can't find it and it's making me hate tumblr. I'm not stupid or ignorant of technology. It's just a login and password. Why can't I turn this key in the lock?!

And How does everyone in the universe find so much time for so many things and so many people?!
Did you know that someone I was kinda interested in getting to know actually unfriended me a couple weeks ago because I didn't respond to his message fast enough? I didn't know what to say and I'm not that good at maintaining internet relationships with people I never see. I feel bad but I don't know... What? do people just always respond immediately to every message and voicemail and text and chat they ever get right away? It's not possible they wait until work is over because people become impatient with me if I wait til I get home. It's too late for them. Like I'm intentionally ignoring them.

There are weeks that go by where i have nothing to do. and then sometimes I start off my weeks with nothing (like this) and then it fills up in just a day or two. People like Aino and Jason and Masato and Phillip and Stephen and Lisa  all complain because they have to schedule time to hang out. Isn't that what everyone does?!

ANd even if I never made plans and sat at home night after night I'd still Have to come home to THIS MESS. and I don't have anyone but Begjan to talk to. If I told anyone that they fired Lois this week it wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me. Even if I tried to explain how important a friend she was to me or how it made me scared for my future, I don't think anyone would get it. and it would be a passing story to hear anyway. an offer of sympathy and they'd never hear or think of Lois again. But I think about her everyday and miss her when I pass by her blank office and think about how much I don't want to wipe her computer and erase her name from my files.

Who am I supposed to talk to?! What am I supposed to do?!
Am I so awful and that's why- WHY WON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?

Faith in Happiness

I had a strange thing happen to me this morning.
As I was getting dressed to go to work two different people contacted me.
The first was on skype, someone I met a while ago who lives in Mongolia. He's an ex-mormon and in broken English was telling me about his mission in Russia and then how he lived with a girl and how much he enjoyed sex.  He said he did it, not because he didn't believe in a higher power, just that he wanted to find his own happiness. I didn't prompt this conversation- he just started confessing all this stuff as though he needed me to accept him. I had not, nor have I since spoken of or given any sign that I looked down on him for any of these choices (the one time I did really disprove was when he called my cell phone without my providing my number. Why do guys think that's romantic? It's creepy.) He inquired if I was still a virgin.
At that time I had a text message from someone I knew from the south. He asked to see me for 'dinner'. I know very well what it would mean to take him up on his offer for a massage and to let this guy cook for me. Not that going over to his place and enjoying our time together would be such an awful thing. But I know what it would mean.
The man from Mongolia then softened his speech. He told me he no longer wanted that life he lived. That God's wisdom was greater than his own. After a little thought of holding my phone in my lap and sitting in front of my computer... I told him that I would trust God too. I'm going to have to trust that doing the right things will lead me to some greater happiness than what I could make for myself.
I don't see it perfectly yet, but I have in the past been blessed with situations and opportunities I couldn't have created for myself.
Even without a Lord to promise great things, it's still not a good idea. My carnal lusts might be satisfied but I'd have fallen for that guy and wasted a lot of time that I shouldn't. Waste a lot of feelings on people who aren't worth all the tears.
For example, why the hell would I ever fixate on Masato? Put so much stock into his opinion of me?  Why would I try so hard to change things about myself that are perfectly fine because I wanted his approval? It's a wasted connection that I let form.
Monday night he called me to tell me that he was about to start dating a girl that I know, and he didn't want me to get the wrong idea just because we are close friends- he probably won't have time to talk to me anymore because he'd like to be devoted to his new girlfriend. He's sorry we didn't work out (what? like... a year ago? ) and he's moving to a new apartment so now he can invite other girls over, even if this new relationship doesn't work out.
Why did I ever put my faith in this guy? One who, even now doesn't think of me as a friend but rather a prospect on the back burner.

That mostly aside, I'm really homesick. I'm keeping very busy but the last two weeks marches on in the same mood- like a cloud over my heart. A cloud of intellectual loneliness I guess. Not that I need a rousing debate or a philosophical book but that I'm missing someone to feel I can rest my mind with. Does that make sense? Someone I can talk to? So I miss my family. Really badly right now. Even though I talked with my step-mom just last week and my little brother yesterday, I miss having some kind of person to go to. To talk out my feelings and thoughts. It's like going in circles, I can't explain it well.

I just can't explain it but I've got to keep going and trying not to be a nuisance. 

Crazy Penny Bra

I had a funny story to tell today. About a crazy old lady stuffing pennies into her bra... and the woman in the car next to me and I looked at each other and laughed.

It was a good day.
I should track my eating more carefully.

Tired. I'll tell the story in the morning...

Lining

Got into a fight until 2am last night. In fact, every night last week I was up until some morning hour.
But last night I must have just lost my mind. Strange thing is I tried to warn them. For no reason at all I started crying because it was my older brother's birthday and he never returned my call. It clicked in my head that I was being silly and I said so. I even said that I desperately needed to go to bed because I wasn't making sense. But I don't know why they didn't take me seriously. Honestly, I sounded like a lunatic.

Anyway, I figured it all out today as I always do. Texted and apologized again (as I had over and over in the middle of the fight) explaining that my hormones were simply out of whack and one should never take a woman seriously who lives in a red tent.

I woke up with red and puffy eyes. almost got into a number of car accidents until at last, I got a ticket for ONCE AGAIN not stopping enough. This time it was at a light on a right hand turn. Work was basically a blur and I was grateful no one asked me for much. At lunch I went home to fix my make up, take Advil, and lay down on my cool bedsheets for a while. I tried not to think too much today- just keep going.

My mommy called with my little sister while I was at work though and at that moment there was nothing I would rather have been doing than to talk to them. But I had to keep my voice down and my answers low because my co-workers were still there. It was the first day in 7 months I left work before them.

I did get a chance to chat with my mommy before going in the house. That was nice. Then I filled out my health forms, submitted the Daily Feature (later in the day than I intended to but the original piece I had lined up didn't link the original Photographer and I couldn't find the name anywhere. So I had to find a new one.) Now I need to finish my instructions to the web designer but my back hurts and I want to just lay here for a while.

This was/is *not* my best day ever but deep deep deep inside I'm actually grateful. Because I don't have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from. Because my family is all healthy and well and seemingly happy. I don't have the vulture of my mother eating the flesh from the back of my head. Because I still have a few friends who care about me and I'm gaining more and losing the bad ones. Because the problems I had today are normal ones.

I'll take weeping openly in traffic in front of an apathetic cop over being alone pretending not to be hurt by someone who uses me any day.

Regardless... I hate day -1 through 3. These cramps are murder.

Silver.

Into the Woods

I've had a couple very decent and useful ephanies this week. One such happened this morning while showering.

Masato called at midnight the other day to ask me out on a date. I asked why. This isn't the first time since we've broken up that he's asked me out. It's always a confession that even though he's dated plenty of other girls since then and even though we're very different people and EVEN THOUGH I still drive him crazy from time to time, he still thinks there's something there that we can work on. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and I understand him better than any of these other girls. Most of the time, all I can think is, 'I wonder who dumped him recently to make him think of Old Faithful Casey.'

Most of the time, I'm right and someone just broke his heart. Which is why I say 'no'. He laughs at the absurdity of my being so blunt. "We tried this already", I say. "It didn't work. Plus, you're a jerk- in a bad way."  He just promises to ask again later and tells me how his life is. I don't often tell him what's going on in mine. I don't think he'd get it anyway.

I was thinking about his proposal again today and why I'm still alone. My thoughts run in this order: Why do I have this thing for asian guys? Maybe because the first person I fell in love with was asian. Because they make me feel special being so white, I wouldn't know why a white guy would like me. why is it so important to feel special? Because I have low self-essteme? That's not true, I like myself- I just don't trust someone else to like me. I know that I like manly-men. I'm always attracted to men who are bold and upfront about their feelings about me. I always say that if I'm going to get into a relationship with someone, I need to know that he knows what's he's getting himself into and is willing to take on the challenge. So a man doesn't have to be a loud-mouth BRAVE dude to get me to like him. Not a flirt.

I have no idea why it took me so long to figure the next part out. I realized what I really want in a guy is what every girl wants. To feel secure. And maybe my fear of abandonment is simply greater than that of other girls who seem to easily get into and out of relationships. I've always been hyper sensitive to the opinions of others which is a fault I'm slowly overcoming.

It's less likely that I'll be able to conqure this inhibiting phobia enough to ever act or date like a normal person. But if I tell the right someone, maybe they can help me out. So if anyone ever asks me why I'm still not married, or why I won't date Masato ever again, or why I don't fall for guys very easily I can tell them not simply that I'm afraid of getting hurt, but that I'm looking for security. A place where I can be myself and feel okay about it with them.

Gentlemen everywhere, if you want a girl to really fall for you and you can't figure out why she's not into you- that might be the problem. It's not a deep revelation. Nothing new or unique. But to have that understanding I think will help me.

Now I can say to Masato, you're a great guy- but in more ways than one, you make me feel alone.

go away whatever

Some of my new least favorite phrases:
"Just chill, man""Take it easy"
"That's dumb."
"let's just..."
"Nevermind"

But if having expectations is for losers, then I should learn to say, "Whatever" and mean it just like they do. They say it to me all the time, the cool kids.

I'm having trouble with that tonight. Before I feel "whatever" I always feel "go away". That probably says more than I want to expound on.

Whatever whatever whatever. Just keep repeating it. Whatever whatever whatever. 

The Reins

So yesterday I said a strange prayer. (If I had an audience I'm sure half of them just tuned out. lol)
I normally pray for wisdom to know what to do and what I'm doing wrong and then the strength to be able to do it or stop it. But this time, I prayed for help. More specificly, I asked that the hearts of my co-workers (in the broadest sense of the word) would be softened. I asked that they be given clever ideas and the motivation and skill to carry them out well.

I can't do everything myself and all my effort goes to waste if the people I'm working with don't help me. If they don't prepare and don't care then it really doesn't matter how much energy I exert. Also, I've found that I have not been blessed with the skill to motivate others. I can ask nicely, pester, command, or beg and still I get nothing. I'm not the kind of person that people think about going out of their way to please. I thought for a moment it might be because I always seem to know the right answer and have everything in hand. Or that people don't want to do things because they might screw up my "perfect ideals". But even when I plead for help and show how vulnerable I am, I still get little to no more responce than if I had said nothing at all.

I don't know what the solution is. I do know that I'll never accomplish anything great by myself. Empires are built by the hands of many. And where do you find people as motivated as you? How do you make people who are not natutally loyal and hard working, be so?

I'm tired of being diappointed.

"Eugene Eugene" is a Musical. Google it.

mmh. Where to start?

At around 4pm today I became swiftly and terribly sick. Sick to my stomach and dizzy with a headache. And I knew why it had happened because they were the kind of symptoms I have when I have officially overworked my nerves with no regard to caring for my body. And I'll admit it, I am WAY over stressed right now. Even if I had not come in to work today, I could have clocked 38 hours. What with the maid cafe reving up in all the wrong ways, the sudden but passive-agressive job offer, and the impending doom of the Easter Recital looming on the horizon, I am just a few eye-ticks away from  a burn-out. It's not a lot to do really, I'm just doing what I do best- worrying. Which makes me place the needs of my body on the back burner. Who needs to shower when there's so many spelling errors?

I don't often get little warning signals like a rumbly tummy to know it's time to eat. It's after 2 days of living on pretzel sticks and hot chocolate powder feeling nothing and suddenly it's like a shovel has been thrust into my gut and I might die in the next 20 minutes if I don't eat something. It's that sudden and severe. But since everyone needs me constantly, I don't really get a break. I don't actually think my co-workers believed me when I said I needed to go home on time tonight. They must have thought I was sneaking out.

And I was and I wasn't. Although I still felt dizzy and sick, I drove downtown to meet up with Eugene to see GreenDay the Musical. Independent of our mutual acquaintance we keep up from time to time. While I was in my car fixing my makeup I realized I was nervous. Nervous because I don't know why he invited me. Sloppy seconds? Not for dating of course, my instinct isn't hinting at any romantic intentions at all. But I do take pride in being the good girl friend. Someone you can take out on the town and be proud of, enjoy yourself with when your hot date falls through to wash her hair. Casey will be there to pick up her slack and let you be free from any commitment or drama. Just go and enjoy your evening. If that's the case here, then that's definitely fine, I just hope I'm fun and cute enough to keep the title.

Especially since I unarguably and unequivocally have been replaced by Train Girl. So perfect is the hole I left filled by TG that it's almost humorous. And I can roll my eyes and laugh about it right now because I'm learning that when dealing with certain people, you just can't afford to be a leaky bucket. In those cases, if you're lucky to catch any rain, you'd better hold on to it for the imminent draught like the one I'm in now. But once said, (and I waited a good long time to hear it) I'll hold on to that nice phrase. Even when so obviously substituted, I'm going to remember that text that said I am important.

I never said so in this blog, did I? That a few weeks ago my heart was crushed when my phone blipped out and erased every last text message I had in there. Hundreds of the sweetest memories I had kept just to read to myself, to keep me company and make me smile- gone. I had saved so many lovely phrases on that phone. Even ones that wouldn't matter to anyone but me. Like my first text message from Masato as my official boyfriend. The one that Tim sent me NYE 2011 when he called me Venus and said I made his year more beautiful. Or the one where Jeremy sent me a picture of the ice skating rink because I told him if we were still friends in a month, I'd go with him. A few months later I begged his moral approval to text Kai when I missed him so bad I couldn't breathe. Jeremy came right out, brought me beef jerky and coconut milk, and watched me cry in my car. I had one from Alana after I tripped down the stairs in front of everyone after leading the music in church and the congregation all waited to see if I was okay. One from Chris's little brother Geoff who said I gave him his favorite nick-name "gorilla baby". I kept the one from Kenny that said he was sorry he couldn't join me at Comic Con and one from Stephen when he thanked me for going to sushi with him. He said it was sexy of me. Stupid stuff like that, more serious ones... that all meant a lot to me.

It was one in the morning when it happened and I couldn't help absolutely breaking down into devastated tears. I know I said I'm tired of crying over nothing but that night I think was justified. I have a lot of online conversations saved from some of my most important relationships, but these texts were more important to me than any gift I could keep in a box. How will I ever be able to replace them? Even if I could ask for them again... well I can't. But since then, I have tried to collect some... the one where I'm referred to as 'babe' is my favorite. But it took me more than a week to be able to look at my phone and not feel a pang about how empty it is now. Irreplaceable trinkets.


Oh dear. Look at the time I wasted. I have to get up tomorrow and I didn't eat much.


All I really meant to say was that I felt a little better when Eugene gave me his coat to wear, let me take his arm, and wanted to show me the bench from 500 Days of Summer.

too tired to sleep.

Have you ever been tempted so badly it actually hurts?
I know it's stupid. But it late and this is the third day in a row where I only hand ensure for breakfast and skipped dinner entirely. it was a long day and I'm tired of being alone. Kurushio.

I'd tell a story but if I write much more my stupid spelling mistakes will only become more obvious.

I'm too tired to sleep.

My house smells like lemon

I can't even make a damn cake.

Keeping the Buck

I can't seem to shake the 'poor me' mood today. I forgot my meds which turns me into mushy saddness anyway. I'm just trying not to do or say anything detrimental. Nothing permanant. Just do what I planned for the night and nothing else. Don't talk to anyone, don't make any weird fb posts, don't go crying for any reason. now that I'm home I should just bake the cake, shower, and go to bed. Anything other than that is a mistake.

Phillip has told me I just need to get it "out of my system" and offered himself as a solution. My bet is that he'd like to get me out of his system instead, knowing that of course means that he has no intention of sticking around once he's had his jollys. I tried to explain to him before, I'm not available for that but he doesn't get it. But I'll admit to being frustrated. There just isn't a solution for me right now.

Tomato, in an episode that I shouldn't have been smart enough to leave before occurring, told me I was afraid to get hurt. He's right, and who isn't? I even came to that inevitable conclusion on st. Patrick's day. But a few days ago I saw a video on conquering fear of failure and felt inspired to master it, although I don't have a clue where to begin.

When I told my father that I had made plans to see Hua and had an online date later on in the week, he shouted at me. It was more of an exclamation and it wasn't really anger. Just frustration for me. One of the things I remember, "Stop doing things you know are dumb!" I laughed, he was right. but he continued, apologizing for telling me things I already knew. "Stop hanging out with people who don't appreciate you." Now, to ever say that to myself would sound like arrogance to me but I have to concede a bit. I'm the author of my own fate and any ill that befalls me is my own fault. The time spent alone the last few weeks is my own fault, unless I could learn to, I guess, follow Masato's suggestion. But I did the right thing and didn't go to see Hua. And I canceled my date. And I'm not going to let myself get angry or needy or jealous at my friends to make up for it. It's pathetic to think that everything would be alright hiding in those relationships. Besides, if they've boarded up their sides, why haven't I?

I'm going to trrrrrrrry to keep up my effort to look nice at church and work hard at eating regularly and waking up every day. My room is 90% finished and I'm going to try to not let work or Animaid consume my life instead of living it.

Sometimes though, I think that even doing all that will still leave me feeling "poor me". Even though I know it won't be forever, I'm still pretty lonely. And I really have no one to blame but me.

In other news, yesterday the CEO called started to question me on what value I have over the phone. And I couldn't sleep last night because of some weird hay fever or sinus infection I picked up. Also, I stupidly volunteered to bake a cake for the church thing tomorrow morning at 9 am. I just saw pictures of three of the ones other girls are bringing and I'm convinced I'll never be a wife. Really, it's hard to see what there is to 'appreciate' right now. Makes it hard not to want to spend time people who don't.
.......... lol

You see? Poooooooooooooooor Casey.

Saint Failure?

I am really so bad at planning parties. Why do I try? Last minute or far in advance, I don't seem to be the kind of person who can gather others together for an evening.

And why do I not have more girl friends? I always think I have plenty but when I'm going down my list of phone numbers of people to invite... The people who attend my stuff must feel like I'm a huge flirt. Or that I only throw sausage fests. OR maybe I feel that way because whenever I plan something, the first question asked is, 'will there be any pretty girls there'. And I think "... no...? Just my friends?" Then I try to calculate how many of them are there and how many are cute and then how many are single. It just never crosses my mind. But maybe that's why I'm no good at these things.

And I don't care to go to the cowboy event for MSAs. It's St. Patrick's day for goodness sake. What's so wrong about celebrating that? It's my families culture after all. Last year we played kool-aid pong...

Sitting in the Car

It was an 12 hour work day but that's okay. I like my Friday night routine where I get the office to myself and finish off the work that only I can do. It makes me feel like I have job security.

The way home it was sprinkling pretty consistently but just light enough I didn't need my windshield wipers to run automatically. I took the freeway home (because I didn't think traffic would be very heavy and I felt confidence in skipping Kai's house) and I saw a sign saying to report drunk drivers and a cop car passed on the other side of the partition. It made me begin to compose a text message in my mind to Jeremy that I delivered when I got parked at home about being careful tomorrow when he (inevitably) gets wasted on st. patrick's day and drives himself home.

Parked as I was, I pondered how I still think there's something going on that prohibits him from chatting with me like we used to. After a few minutes I realized the reason why I hadn't gotten out of the car yet was because I was waiting for him to text back and call me a dork. He could already be dead, I thought. I considered sending Tim a similar message but stopped when I remembered how unforgiving he told me he wants to be. He wouldn't take any warm wishes from me well. I thought about how I should finally respond to Leonard about how trying to not start a conversation is the same as being defensive in this case, just not as fearful. But that would be a pointless text.

It started to rain even harder and my arm hurt in a strange way. I laughed out loud when I realized that I was actually sore from playing frisbee last night. That's pretty pathetic. But it's a nice feeling to be running again. To bring everything full circle, I laughed again when I noted how pointless it would be to text Stephen to drive safely and not binge. lol.

My phone called out to say I have a text.
I had forgotten that I was still waiting for a response from Jeremy and I was pleased and surprised... but nope. Instead it's Kchan asking about the maid idol contest. I quickly reply. I smile at her response. Then get out of the car into the heavier rain and walk home with my hood drawn up around my ears. Cause it would be silly to wait there until I fell asleep again and caught a cold.

Promise you won't get mad but...

Someday I'll learn my lesson.
Don't stay out after midnight. People become jerks.

Confirmed

Confirmed. It is the little things.

My first temp job after college was alphabetizing near where I lived at home. Life was plain, repetitive, and tinted with concern over my future career. I wasn't necessarily depressed, but not happy. My Dad took me out for Panda Express one evening and it didn't occur to me at the time that he did it to make me happy. It worked though- I was feeling so much lighter while eating one of my favorite 'little things'- beef and broccoli it was like magic. During a lull in the conversation I remember my dad watching me eat away happily. He said, "You not like your mom. It doesn't take much to please you." I ponder than from time to time. sometimes I think that's true and other times not. But if it were, then it would just have to be the *right* thing even if it isn't much.

Like tonight. He doesn't know it but I got my favorite 'little thing'. It's private, but it makes me happy. Happy for miles.

Little Things

Maybe this isn't as obvious as I thought. Commercials and valentines day cards have been saying it for years so why is it people forget to easily?

Saying "thank you" or "goodnight". When someone drops you off at home and waits for you to unlock the door before driving away. Or when someone remembers something you like or did. it always surprises me when someone asks, "so how did that thing go?" What about invitations for late night food runs. A silent invitation to have someone put their arm(s) around you. Or even, asking for what you've been politely waiting for like, "come here". Noticieing something small you worked hard on or care about. ******# was always good at that.  He noticed my flat shoes when we went out. and made me feel comfortable with and without my glasses. For some reason that's important to me.

I liked the jingle of my phone saying I have a text message and your name popping up. Because you don't have any real reason to text me, you just want to. I dunno, it's exiciting to flip open my phone and wonder what you're thinking about that would involve me. It's just nice to know you have my phone number.

I'm not asking for anything. I'm just saying the little things would make up for a lot.

Ihop

I had a dream that I had been in a relationship for a year. For some reason I was a guy at first. I went on a trip for work for a week and when I cam back, my girl had gotten engaged to a guy she had been in love with a year before. I was upset of course (and then became Casey again). Kchan and my little sister's best frined in high school, (my roommates?) tired to cheer my up as I lay in bed sorrowing. But they couldn't do anything. Which was okay because the first thought that came to my mind was that I didn't miss him/her as much as I did Kai. And also because Jeremy was coming. Which he did, and he was uncharisctaristicly sweet. At first he tried to take me out to eat but we couldn't pick a place. so instead he laid me with him in a big bed for an afternoon nap. While I was trying to sleep with the SUN IN MY EYES I heard my little sister's friend explain to onlookers that Jeremy was a friend that came over when I was feeling down. When I was tired of trying to sleep, he took me to the hospital. It was a whole deal talking to the doctor about my weight even though I was getting taller and 'hitting puberty'. But as I was leaving the hospital, (Jeremy and David Chitister had been tricked into a seminar about weight gain and I had just escaped some mis-begotten Valpak presentation from the doctors) I wandered around hollywood. In a studio where there were short models and guys that could ta dance, all my age. It was like seeing all the artistic success of my highschool friends under one roof. and I wanted to be a performer again for some reason. As I left, these three actors came out right behind me, jokeing and laughing. I pretended to to accidentally hit one of them with a coat over my shoulder so I could show that i too, had a dramatic side. They laughed and said I had mastered "Physcial Ambeufgeljsb" something. As I walked off laughing into hollywood alone again. but feeling much better  I got a text from Jeremy saying they were wondering where I was because they were waiting for me at Ihop.

Now I'm up. I'm going to Ihop.
Only the weird thing is now I'm thinking about Leonard Tim and Stephen.

No poet

Sigh. I don't have all the answers. Perhaps I should have... oh well. too late now. What should I do?

I guess I'll do my best? And try to fix what I've done wrong? That's all anyone can do.

I wish all choices were like buying a candy bar. I might regret picking this one, but since I already ate it, I can't go back. But in life, with that pesky "time" dimention added to the other human ones, choices can be changed. or at least adjusted somehow. And i'm a fixer.

Time to go home! Goodnight.

No texts.

Huh.
It's... I don't know how I feel about this. Today I recieved no text messages from anyone. I thought my phone had died or may have been on silent, but no- not one. At least not from a real person. I got an automated message that turned out to be spam.

I didn't even really chat with anyone today. Jeremy came online around 7pm to ask me how my weekend was but that's about it. A few empty sentences. Of course, writing this will guarantee I get no more for the evening and since it's already almost 10pm, it wouldn't make a huge dent anyway.

Most of the day I spent fretting about this new problem I have at work. But wondering about how long I'll be there for does make m e want to work harder. I didn't go home til around 9. I also spent a good amount of time imagining things I would say to Aino to help her understand what a royal pain she's becoming. I love her, but her immaturities are running a little rampant and it's getting on my nerves. Is there a kind way to say that? Probably not to someone without sense.

I was eating lunch today and I realized that other than my Dad and God, I don't have anyone to talk to right now. (I have Lisa, but she isn't really aware of anything going on and she's too busy right now for me.) And then I wonder, why do I have to think... "Does this make me sad?"

Yes, I confirm to myself, it does. But my instinct isn't to run out and beg for attention. On the contrary, when Jeremy chatted me this evening I thought to myself that I should let everyone move on. People touch base with old friends until they're gone and make new ones without thinking about it.

But I'm not really making any new friends. I'm just working. I don't know how I feel about this.

Cakey

Suddenly, I don't know what's going to happen with my job. Am I going to lose it soon? I'm terrified. BUt I actually wanted to write for a different reason.

Post-Oscar curiosity set in and I got 'The Help' on Netflix. Not what I expected but I got the jist of it from youtube clips much better. I don;t watch much if any TV anymore so billboards are pretty much my only was of determining what a movie is about. Anyway, throughout the story, the Maid's are terrified of letting anyone know that they wre the one's who were being interviewed for the book. BUt at the end, the community was so proud they signed a copy. I suddenly had the thought that a person's name is very precious. In the book/movie/play 1776 the head of the congress was the first to sign his name to the declaration of independence. They then joked about how Fat George might hand them all for this, but John Handcocks name was already on it- BIG AND BOLD. His name that he wrote with his hand. It touched me that the people would write in their own names- take ownership of what was in it.

If I ever taught a child's class, I would teach them that concept. That you should never forget to put your name on your paper's because that was something to take ownership of. To be proud of. That everything you ever write your name on, or sign, should be something you can proudly declaire is your own work.

I'm not perfect of course. I only wish I could be proud of or feel like I owned everything I've ever signed. It's a sin to cheat, but I'm sure I've done it. No different than anyone else of course- in one way or another.

When I was in highschool going to early morning seminary (I was barely awake most days) I heard a story about someone's interpretation of heaven. They said they were in a room full of little fileing cabniates like the dewey decimal cards they used to have. And when you pulled one out, there would be acts written on the cards lined up inside. A drawer for people you've introduced to the gosple, a drawer for people you've kissed, A drawer for however many times you lied or stolen in life. And then the interpretation said that Christ came and signed each and every card- his name under the deeds you did. And some of those cards were shameful.

Every since then, I've thought about that. And now I think about it with a little more depth, imagining what a signature means .

But more, what a name means. that it is yours. I learned in my family history class that in The Church, when we do baptisms on behalf of the dead, we absolutely must have the right information. The name and birthdate at least. When you are baptizing a person in the flesh who is alive, it's not required they pronounce it correctly. My father tells me this is because when a person has a body, then there is a direct association with the person receiving the blessings. But with a person who is passed on, when we act in their place, then the name become important. Otherwise we could just baptise Joe Andersen over and over and let that freebie go to whomever would accept it. But we don't do it wily-nilly. Instead we have done great research to make sure no one is forgotten. That all who would accept it can have the ability to.

I know that people like Leonard would think I'm brainwashed. But when I say it like this and string these memories together, it really feels right. I feel at peace when I think about these things. I just don't get this feeling all the time. And if you know me, I'm prone to disbelieving my own feelings. I wouldn't even trust myself to say if I'm hungry or tired or sick or lonely. I doubt myself constantly. But this is something I just don't doubt. There isn't any need to.

Not long ago, however I was driving and the most insane thoughts came to my mind and I was deathly afraid of myself. I wondered who had taken over my brain to put such things into my head and then make me consider them. Dangerous and dark things- things that I know to be insane. As twisted as wondering why I should love my family, or protect my own well being. Why should I eat? Why should I be kind? Do I even know my Father? How can I know anyone? These are secret things, although I won't tell everything I thought. And it all came in a rush to me like an internal tsunami. I got over it though and hed to remind myself what I already knew. For one thing that I existed. I'm sorry, I know to anyone who has never had these thoughts it sounds like I need serious therapy. I might, but not for this. It was just a glitch in the matrix and before It happened, I myself would have thought it was ludicrous. But try not to judge me here, I'm trying to make a point.

That when we try to remind ourselves of who we are, we say our names. If I remain a good person and do my best, I may yet be blessed with the chance to change my last name. But I know I'll always be Casey Jillaine. Casey because it's neither feminine nor masculine- a nothing name, like my mother wanted. And Jillaine- my mother's best and perhaps only female friend. She was bright and pretty, I only met my namesake once, accidentaly in a gas station drugstore. Only a brief moment as I think my mom and she aren't close anymore.

Professor Rush called me "kiddo". My Dad calls me "Casey Jill". My Big brother calls me "Cakey".

And that's what I think about during the last 5 minutes of "The Help".

Cole Mine Date

First up, I'm a bitch sometimes and I know it. Strike me dead. 


I'm a snot. I'm a pain. I'm an intellectual snob. I "tend to spend time on ideas and projects devoid of practical value. . .but replete with entertaining possibilities." There was a time I got into a vicious fight with a roommate I didn't care for because I involuntarily sneered whenever she said something stupid. I used to think to myself that if I could hear what she was thinking, all I'd get was elevator music. I have since learned to curb the outward showing of distain and also gather more charity for people who don't think like me. But every so often that biting monster creeps out and strains against my mental leash. I must be tired because all the drive home I kept telling myself DOWN BOY. But now I'm in my private blog I can say whatever I want. 


Now that that's admitted I want to show a great example of why I'm such a bitch. Because I consider the date I went on just now a total waste of time. I knew I didn't want to go. There were a ton of other things I would rather have been doing. But this guy has been hinting and inviting and persuing me for some 4 years. Finally, I gave in and told him a random date that I  thought I wouldn't have anything else planned. Why is it that directly after setting the date, a million other things I really wanted to do popped up? I know I'm not interested in this guy. Worse, I think to spend any time with him intimately or alone is a waste of my time. Maybe not his time- because he so very much enjoys me. But this kind of person....bugs me. It's the kind of person who has three reining attributes. The first is, they are not very astute, bright, unique, kind, interesting, talented, or particularly outstanding in any way- but they THINK they are. (BUT LAWZY WHO AM I TO SAY A PERSON IS NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS? I'M NOT THE SIMON COWELL OF A PERSON'S WORTH. BITCH.) Second, they think that their "novel" world view gives them the right (NAY THE DUTY) to analyze and criticize me. And thirdly, they tend to REALLY LIKE spending time with me. You know, I might go far as to say because they like me and I'm different (but not better) than them, they love to criticize me. Why would I enjoy that? WHY? WHY DO I AGREE TO THIS? I can't hate to have to sit there and take whatever pious judgement they make with patience- because I swear I always try to. Try to take in their appraisal as a valued opinion from a peer but sometimes... it can be so hard to listen dispassionately. 


But you can already tell something is wrong with this particular person because you'd think after 4 years of my being too busy to hang out, they'd get it through their skull that I'm not interested. I'm not interested. I'M NOT INTERESTED. So when he started the date off by telling me I seem more open though text but very disingenuous (I came up with that word for him) face to face. Is that some kind of compliment that I just don't understand? Let me enlighten you buddy. I seem that way because maybe I don't want to be here but I'm trying to be nice and enjoy myself anyway. Saying stuff like that doesn't make me want to be more 'real' with you. It makes me want to slug you and go to the movies with my friends. Three times in this evening he went back again to something I had done wrong. The way I talk is too matter-of-fact (maybe because you're wrong (which, by the way, he admitted prior to the debate)), I don't make him nervous (YEAH RIGHT) but there is something about me that makes him thiiiiink too much (DOI DOI DOI DOI DOI), I'm too closed off with my arms crossed (because every time you put me down to make yourself feel smarter and holier, I want to be here less and less.)


 I tried to explain this but I'm pretty sure it went right over his head. I think this because at the end of my explaination, he agreed with me. I think I lost him somewhere in the middle and he realized there would be no way of arguing himself out of this paper bag. What I wrote here might not make much sense but I'm too frenzied right now to go back and clear it up.


I paid for the meal. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty about being genuinely bugged. It really ticks me off when these self-important psudo intellectuals take it upon themselves to fix me. So why is it, if there is SO MUCH that's wrong with me, do they keep talking to me? Why after all this did he invite me back to his place? (I turned him down btw.)  I feel like my unique personality is being used for his personal enteratinment. I am not a game or a puzzle or your chance at feeling smarter than you are.  To me, you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Stop pretending. Buuuuuuuut I'm a NICE girl who would neeeeeever tell someone I don't enjoy being with them because they're an IDIOT. The closest thing I got is to tell him that being with 'people' is draining to me. Being with humanity IS draining. But being with the right person is like a hawaii vacation. 


You, sir, are like the cole mines. 


Oh my gosh, I am a total snot. I'll never get into heaven. For even thinking this blog entry, I prove to be a bad person with a lot of charity left to learn. So I'm going to post it as an example of something I need to change...


Please forgive me for this.

so new

Answer- Yes.

Why am I getting hits from Russia? This dang blogger tells me no helpful stats. s'cept I'm alone. XD


... so new? -_-

Hearing Voices

I can hear voices in my head. At this moment I can easily recall with perfect clarity Lisa, Cynthia, Eric, Mommy, Jeremy, Tanpopo, Phillip, Hua, Preecha, Tim, Leonard, stephen, Kai, kenny, aino, john, kchan, mikan, Karen, Masato, Alincia, Whitney, Chris, Eugene, Taylor, Sam, Gilbert, Mio...

On and on and on. I just realized this. I just went through all these people and more and i an hear them all. I can even make them say what I want to hear, even though they've probably never said it. 

Get up fool

wake up mama

vbabe, it's morning

casey, it's 11.

I think it's time to wake up now

good morning sweetheart.

I miss you. Come see me.

I'm without meds for the next four days. Am I going insane?

what doesn't kill you

I dunno.
But I'm up at 2:30.
I have a lot of things to say but some of them aren't ripe yet and other have rotted off the tree. Such old and repetitive news shouldn't mar these posts. Some other things are so private, they should only be documented and kept secret by the most intense means: My own handwriting. Let's see... what's safe?

I miss Jeremy. I know I've been far too busy to chat with him like we used to. It bothers me that I seem to be missing a major puzzle piece in the seemingly monumental moment of his life. I wonder if it's because I've been so busy? Or is something wrong? or is he worried and doesn't want to think about it? I'm worried about him but there isn't anything I can do. Plus, I'm kinda tired of having to drag details out of him. It's like pulling teeth sometimes.

I was talking to Tim today and was reminded again why I should find more friends who appreciate me for just being myself. If you want to talk about exhaustion, try adjusting your personality for everyone's tastes. Frankly, it can make being a maid difficult at times. Crushed between two expectations.

But tonight I had dinner with Mackenzie whom I missed greatly these past few months. I told her offhandedly that I was too dramatic and was working very hard not to be so. But she immediately corrected me with words I wish I could recall more precisely. She told me that I *was* expressive and enthusiastic. But, she said, I was not unrealistic or over dramatic (she put her wrist to her head and pretended to faint- which made me laugh.)  She likes that I enjoy life and want to express myself.

Even though we were in a restaurant, it almost made me want to cry.


...During the time that I wrote this entry I've been chatting with an old lost friend who just saw my fb for the first time in about a year. "you weren't kidding, you did lose weight...crazy thing is you weren't even overweight before but you still look so different..."

...sigh. : / what am I going to do?