Should I say SOMETHING or NOTHING

"I'm so tired I want to cry."

I don't normally say that to strangers. But it's better than telling them I already am. It puts a lot of pressure on them to respond. And I determined that I agree that being or at least appearing happy is a moral social obligation.

But the only one I can talk to or who is willing to talk to me right now is this guy from Mongloia. I barely know him even though he's threatening to come visit in a few months. He says he wants to show me that he is the best choice as a... husband? but yesterday he ended our conversation abruptly. "Yesterday i feel something bad thats why i didnt continue chat with you. Cus i still single and i dont have girlfriend or wife yet. Sometimes i need support" It made me think. If I'm ever going to have a relationship I have to be honest. and this guy may not know what he's asking for but he's entitled to know.
So I told him. the truth is I'm not fine today. I'm so tired and I don't know why. I feel like all I ever do is try to finish things in between eating. All I ever do is think about how I'm not eating enough!!! ANd that's all the blogs will tell me! Eat more! EAT EAT EAT like it's so easy!!! JUST EAT MORE they say.

I'm so tired, I didn't go to lunch until 4:30. so I don't want to eat again. I don't want to cook or even think about getting out. and I come home to this house again and it's cold. and my room is still messy. It just won't go away no matter how much work I put into it. and I wake up everyday and I hate seeing that I forgot to do it again. but I'm late so I run out the door and when I come home so tired, I hate that it's still there. WAITING.

But I don't have time for that right now because in the middle of my crammed day I posted the daily feature (which almost gave me an aneurism because the first one I picked, just before posting, I looked again and found it wasn't that good. Plus the artist wasn't given proper credit. I had to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch.) but I was stupid and trusted someone's link and didn't check my sources throughly enough and posted the wrong damn artist. I feel so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed. I really want to be a great marketing woman, but I can't seem to get it right. I feel like I have great talent in me because I can see how to improve everything but I can't seem to get anything right!

Why is it that when no one does anything, and then when I step up to plate, suddenly everyone can think of 1000 ways to do it better? My spelling is off or I said the wrong gender, or I capitalized too many words, or any number of things. Whatever I could miss, I probably will. And everyone will see it and have to point it out- immediately. and I deserve to have it pointed out publicly because they're obviously huge and dumb mistakes I should have caught. What bothers me most is that it looks like I'm not doing my job or not trying. and I swear I am. I'm trying.

I have no idea why, but that stupid tumblr password wouldn't let me in for like half an hour! I kept struggling with it to no avail until magically it works for no good reason. I log out and try again and it won't WORK. I don't know why!!! ANd I can't find the part of the CSS I want to change, I keep searching through all the code but I can't find it and it's making me hate tumblr. I'm not stupid or ignorant of technology. It's just a login and password. Why can't I turn this key in the lock?!

And How does everyone in the universe find so much time for so many things and so many people?!
Did you know that someone I was kinda interested in getting to know actually unfriended me a couple weeks ago because I didn't respond to his message fast enough? I didn't know what to say and I'm not that good at maintaining internet relationships with people I never see. I feel bad but I don't know... What? do people just always respond immediately to every message and voicemail and text and chat they ever get right away? It's not possible they wait until work is over because people become impatient with me if I wait til I get home. It's too late for them. Like I'm intentionally ignoring them.

There are weeks that go by where i have nothing to do. and then sometimes I start off my weeks with nothing (like this) and then it fills up in just a day or two. People like Aino and Jason and Masato and Phillip and Stephen and Lisa  all complain because they have to schedule time to hang out. Isn't that what everyone does?!

ANd even if I never made plans and sat at home night after night I'd still Have to come home to THIS MESS. and I don't have anyone but Begjan to talk to. If I told anyone that they fired Lois this week it wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me. Even if I tried to explain how important a friend she was to me or how it made me scared for my future, I don't think anyone would get it. and it would be a passing story to hear anyway. an offer of sympathy and they'd never hear or think of Lois again. But I think about her everyday and miss her when I pass by her blank office and think about how much I don't want to wipe her computer and erase her name from my files.

Who am I supposed to talk to?! What am I supposed to do?!
Am I so awful and that's why- WHY WON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?