Dad's Attack

So my Dad had a heart attack on Saturday while I was at the Tea event in the south bay. My little sister called me in tears and told me she was at the hospital waiting for the doctors.

What she didn't know was that his heart stopped once in the ambulance. He had died for a moment until they brought him back with paddles. He said it felt he had just fallen asleep. After the surgery, he was in his bad and during the night I guess... he lost a lot of blood. He said the nurse cried "Sweet God!" when he hadn't even noticed the leak. It was all over the floor and walls he said. But they cleaned it up.

My step-mommy spent the night at the hospital in a chair. I talked to him on the phone this morning until he fell asleep. He's fine they say. He's fine, and I'm fine (even though I did start balling in the Carl's Jr. when I found out.) but.. I dunno. I'm ... not fine. My Dad is my best friend. and no one understand me better in the world. The week before, I was trying to resist calling him until I figured out what was wrong with me on my own. I called him just to hear his voice but he could tell something was wrong and I ended up telling him everything. All my frustrations regardless of whether I had previously determined that these  were things I didn't want him to know.

In the end he won on a few arguments. And I realized there isn't a damn thing I can do about Jeremy's additutde. Especially as long as I don't have the first clue as to what the problem is. I thought we were close, but I must have been wrong. So I stopped trying to talk to him during the day. As I could have guessed, he hasn't made the slightest effort to find out why. It's alright, really. Now I don't have to feel so abandoned everyday.

But when I heard about my Dad and I had finally composed myself enough to carry on socializing with the people I was with, all I wanted to do was see someone. Anything other than doing what I had planned on- heading up to a place I'd never been to go Go-Karting. it was distracting and fun in the end but at the same time... I kept thinking about when I could get out of there and see someone. I thought about driving out to see Phillip, but he would have been at work at that point. I wanted to call Jeremy, at least to see if he'd be willing to try being a shoulder I needed again.

But I didn't because I don't think I can handle the disappointment that would bring right now.

The only solace I have found is that I really don't want to go to the LA1st ward right now. So instead I went to the Huntingbeach ward and took a very very long silent drive home. I'm in my Pjs now and I should probably eat or call my mom (it being my favorite holiday ever- Mother's Day) But I think I'm going to just lay here for a while. And as much as I'd like to, I can't think of a non-attention-seeking way to update my status as thus so people understand stop asking why I seem out of it. It just doesn't seem right to let everyone in on that kind of serious bussiness. I don't want all the pity anyway. What am I supposed to say? No, I'm not fine. No, I don't need anything thanks.

Cynthia just brought me a toasted bun with butter. I'm going to eat it.

Call me maybe

She knows fair well she mu'naught fright thee.
Canna thou show me?
Fair better to know her.
Show me the key.
Show her the key.

Should I say SOMETHING or NOTHING

"I'm so tired I want to cry."

I don't normally say that to strangers. But it's better than telling them I already am. It puts a lot of pressure on them to respond. And I determined that I agree that being or at least appearing happy is a moral social obligation.

But the only one I can talk to or who is willing to talk to me right now is this guy from Mongloia. I barely know him even though he's threatening to come visit in a few months. He says he wants to show me that he is the best choice as a... husband? but yesterday he ended our conversation abruptly. "Yesterday i feel something bad thats why i didnt continue chat with you. Cus i still single and i dont have girlfriend or wife yet. Sometimes i need support" It made me think. If I'm ever going to have a relationship I have to be honest. and this guy may not know what he's asking for but he's entitled to know.
So I told him. the truth is I'm not fine today. I'm so tired and I don't know why. I feel like all I ever do is try to finish things in between eating. All I ever do is think about how I'm not eating enough!!! ANd that's all the blogs will tell me! Eat more! EAT EAT EAT like it's so easy!!! JUST EAT MORE they say.

I'm so tired, I didn't go to lunch until 4:30. so I don't want to eat again. I don't want to cook or even think about getting out. and I come home to this house again and it's cold. and my room is still messy. It just won't go away no matter how much work I put into it. and I wake up everyday and I hate seeing that I forgot to do it again. but I'm late so I run out the door and when I come home so tired, I hate that it's still there. WAITING.

But I don't have time for that right now because in the middle of my crammed day I posted the daily feature (which almost gave me an aneurism because the first one I picked, just before posting, I looked again and found it wasn't that good. Plus the artist wasn't given proper credit. I had to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch.) but I was stupid and trusted someone's link and didn't check my sources throughly enough and posted the wrong damn artist. I feel so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed. I really want to be a great marketing woman, but I can't seem to get it right. I feel like I have great talent in me because I can see how to improve everything but I can't seem to get anything right!

Why is it that when no one does anything, and then when I step up to plate, suddenly everyone can think of 1000 ways to do it better? My spelling is off or I said the wrong gender, or I capitalized too many words, or any number of things. Whatever I could miss, I probably will. And everyone will see it and have to point it out- immediately. and I deserve to have it pointed out publicly because they're obviously huge and dumb mistakes I should have caught. What bothers me most is that it looks like I'm not doing my job or not trying. and I swear I am. I'm trying.

I have no idea why, but that stupid tumblr password wouldn't let me in for like half an hour! I kept struggling with it to no avail until magically it works for no good reason. I log out and try again and it won't WORK. I don't know why!!! ANd I can't find the part of the CSS I want to change, I keep searching through all the code but I can't find it and it's making me hate tumblr. I'm not stupid or ignorant of technology. It's just a login and password. Why can't I turn this key in the lock?!

And How does everyone in the universe find so much time for so many things and so many people?!
Did you know that someone I was kinda interested in getting to know actually unfriended me a couple weeks ago because I didn't respond to his message fast enough? I didn't know what to say and I'm not that good at maintaining internet relationships with people I never see. I feel bad but I don't know... What? do people just always respond immediately to every message and voicemail and text and chat they ever get right away? It's not possible they wait until work is over because people become impatient with me if I wait til I get home. It's too late for them. Like I'm intentionally ignoring them.

There are weeks that go by where i have nothing to do. and then sometimes I start off my weeks with nothing (like this) and then it fills up in just a day or two. People like Aino and Jason and Masato and Phillip and Stephen and Lisa  all complain because they have to schedule time to hang out. Isn't that what everyone does?!

ANd even if I never made plans and sat at home night after night I'd still Have to come home to THIS MESS. and I don't have anyone but Begjan to talk to. If I told anyone that they fired Lois this week it wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me. Even if I tried to explain how important a friend she was to me or how it made me scared for my future, I don't think anyone would get it. and it would be a passing story to hear anyway. an offer of sympathy and they'd never hear or think of Lois again. But I think about her everyday and miss her when I pass by her blank office and think about how much I don't want to wipe her computer and erase her name from my files.

Who am I supposed to talk to?! What am I supposed to do?!
Am I so awful and that's why- WHY WON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?