OBTUSE MEN

I'm so frustrated by such a wasted day I can't sleep.
First I get tricked into spending a whole afternoon with Austen when I was promised we'd play Settlers, then I call back Dad who tells me I have to read 60 pages by Wednesday night which is exciting to him and not enough time for me, then ** calls right after and we talk for hours...or I do. Because I'm SOOOOOOO entertaining despite that I'm mad so I do my bad habit of running intllectual circles around him to prove to myself that it's a waste of time (I even mentioned that I was sorry for doing so because I was mad several times and he didn't even ask why), and then right after that Jeremy finally wants to talk on skype and that dude wastes my time. He won't tell me why he's sick, he won't appologize for not "being there" when I needed him, next he observes that my eyes look puffy in the latest profile photo I was proud of... (he can't say anything nice... he just has this compulsion to make sure I remember how imperfect I am) then precedes to ask me stupid questions every 20 minutes he already knows the answers to because he's too busy gaming to have a real conversation with me. To close, he then informs me that the reason the photo must be doing well is it makes my rack look huge. Which totally destroys any idea I might have had that maybe my FACE might be pretty when I've been so insecure about my acne and moles all week.

I just closed my computer without saying goodnight and tried to sleep. I'm terrified of the coming week. I feel remarkably alone, and now I can't even get the sleep I need to wake up early tomorrow so I can get my job done in time...

I know they said grad school would be isolating but I didn't expect it would be because everyone I talked to would be so oblivious.

Death Ribbon

This blog is a place to put my darkest thoughts right? When emotions run high and I just have to get it out? I'm going to write extemporaneously here and I don't have much of an idea about where it's going to go after I write down the thought that prompted it. But when I do, just nobody freak out, okay? It's just thoughts.

I was sitting feeling guilty again and wrapping this black ribbon around my fingers and I thought, "I wonder if my life will end in suicide?" In my head I pictured hanging myself with that black ribbon. Maybe an elegant replacement for a rope.

The concept of ending my life comes easily to me. The desire to be no more doesn't scare me at all. It's the actual process of going through with such a thing that keeps me alive I think. Even as a teenager I could never agree with myself about how to best go about such a thing because of how messy it would be. Sometimes when I feel intensely guilty and I curl up into a ball- even if I'm not alone, I feel depressed enough that if I had decided on a method of execution, I might go through with it. Sometimes I think that. There is probably a lot of other things involved in the process that would most likely halt me from really doing anything about it. Like thoughts of family, or hope of maybe I'm wrong to feel so bad. When I think that maybe I could be FORGIVEN however, the thought is swept aside. In that state of depression, forgiveness isn't even an option.

I know I am miles away from God right now. I have been for a while. I'm better than I was a few months ago and much better than I was when recouping from losing Kai. I'm not even getting warning signs from the Holy Ghost. So maybe He's given up on me too.

I think I'm a lost cause. But I'm still alive so... I guess I have no choice but to keep breathing in and out no matter how hypocritical or truly counterproductive it is.

I'm moving to Utah. Do you think I'll heal there? Or will my baddest instincts take advantage of the solitary life that's inseparable from being graduate student? Intellectually I feel really alone. Who can explain this to me so I can understand?  Who out there is smart enough and good enough to teach me what I'm doing wrong and how to combat this vice? It feels like no one I could talk to would understand. The only people I would tell are the people already encouraging me to keep going. It's not until they see me cry that they try to tell me everything is okay. It's not okay. It's not fine. I'm less and less of a person the more often I fail. What help could they offer? I have to shoulder my own yoke. Lord, it's getting so heavy.

I can't deal with it- I don't understand it. I'm not just a lost cause, I'm just plain lost.

I'm going to see Jeremy before I leave. I'm positive I'll fail again. I'll be base and destructive and stupid and angry. After it's over, I'll regret the time spent with him and I'll always remorse what beautiful friendship we had. The best things always turn into the largest and stankiest cow-pies. I have a good memory for things like that and I don't forgive myself easily. I'm not even sure I like myself.

So what's the use? If life is pain, why would I keep enduring life? Giving up all that's associated with my life here in LA, I've got very little right now keeping me positive. Moving and packing, I'm alone all day everyday feeling worthless and unsuccessful and the feeling is deepening. I muse how deep it will get before I see the light again. How far down do I have yet to go this week before I change my life by moving to Utah? And then, as I asked before- what will that do to me?

I feel really alone tonight. But don't worry- I don't know the first thing about suicide. I think I'll just go to bed early and hope someone notices.

On a better note, I think I'm going to need to start seeing a therapist again. Maybe a physiatrist to work with me on getting better drugs for ADD. My last doctor said there is a component in Adderall that treats depression but he thinks I may need a different kind to deal with anxiety instead. Perhaps... it's the drugs that are making me feel this way. Maybe not.

I don't think so.

The Vainglorious Role of Omnipotent Observer

So, Leonard sent me another memoir including the time we spent together. Those events feel like decades ago and frankly they make me feel sick. There are a lot reasons I could go into but probably the main one is because I didn’t handle it well.  Although time and reason have convinced me that not all the problems were a result of my immaturities, it still makes me ill to remember that catastrophe.

Years ago, I read his perspective on what happened and it’s amazing to see all the holes and misinterpretations. It’s like that video with 3 people in red shirts and 3 people in white shirts passing a black and white ball. At the beginning of the video we’re asked to count the number of times the black ball is handed off and at the end we are asked if we saw the giant gorilla pass through the middle, beat his chest and walk off again. I’ll be honest, the first time I watched the film- I didn’t. I still can’t believe Leonard never heard me say that I wasn’t interested. In as plain English as anyone could state it and maybe the problem was it was TOO obvious. A gorilla? It’s amazing to me because his re-telling is so detailed it feels impossible to think he never heard what I was saying.

But the experience with Leonard and subsequent “dating” since then has taught me that people often only hear what they want to. I can be as blunt as a hammer and still never get my point across. I’ve also learned that once someone is in love with you, it’s almost impossible to expect that friendship is enough. I learned that shouting loving truths at a deaf person is useless and being kind is not always the best way to communicate. The reasoning escapes me but I just know it’s true. Best intentions are not enough to combat cognitive dissonance.

I still feel responsible for the disastrous way it ended but trying to go back and fix it now would be borderline self-abuse. Leonard is definitely far beyond any power I have to help and I’ll have to trust that God knows how best to succor His children. And I’ll have to ask for God’s forgiveness for what it’s worth.

Yeah, I’ve decided not to read what he sent me. Some things Leonard will never know about that time: how painful every single morning was waking up without Kai, or any of the other destructive things I was doing to cope, or how the dorkwad Jeremy appeared as the unlikely hero to confirm my phobias about men and simultaneously restore my faith in humanity, and most importantly HOW they did it.  You discover the world really is three dimensional when you actually live in it instead of acting a vainglorious role of omnipotent observer. I know because I was that way once. Detached arrogance is the bane of today’s single.

Depressing Snob

Which am I: stuck up or self-defeating? I’ve never been called stuck-up before but I don’t know anyone who would come right out and use that term since I was in Junior High. But it’s possible.

My nature is fighting me here at this job, I’d like to defend myself but really, what’s the point to do that when the accusation is based on silliness?

Here is the latest example: I set a meeting, I get an email from an attendee stating that my Boss sent out a cancelation and wanted to know if we needed to find another time for it.

It’s still on MY view of my boss’s calendar, but not hers. Considering the facts, obviously… my boss accidentally must have canceled it. I asked her, “Did you cancel this for a reason?” She has no idea what I’m talking about, denies she knew anything about it, I politely suggest that maybe it’s an Outlook glitch. “Casey,” she huffs, “we’ve got to communicate better- I can’t keep dealing with these Outlook things! UGG.” She’s blaming me as though I made this happen… I don’t say anything. Just agree, apologize, and sit down to re-send the event and cc her apologizing for the confusion.  

Personally, I’d like to put my hands on my hips and explain I only did what I was told. But past employment has taught me- nobody is paying to hear excuses.

Knowing that these kind of issues wouldn’t not be an issue to an assistant better than me is little comfort. The problem is here and now and I’m the one who gets to catch the hot potato. I’m waiting for a moment when I do something really well to drop the news that I’m going away to school and btw I’d like to keep this job until I leave. Seems unlikely. Maybe the news will make them want to ditch the idea of keeping me around as long as they can. Or Maybe it would reassure them that I’m not here for the long hall and proposing an end-date in August works out to secure my placement here. Who knows.

In the meantime, I still feel a twist in my stomach when stuff goes wrong. I keep thinking to myself something between modestly learning and feeling out of place and under-employed.

In general, life is just fine right now. It’s teetering a tad but not awful by any means. I’m just considering today- do I trust my thinking that I can do great things or am I really as bad as I feel?

Big Baby

I don’t think I’m fitted to understand the beauty of working for a hugely bloated company like Disney: I just had a mini talking-to. I sent an email to a set of assistants with a list of attendees. I had one named crossed out to show that particular assistant that her boss wasn’t needed anymore.

I got the blame for hurt feelings…

Yes, I feel very lucky…. So lucky…

Get away

I think I really need to get out of here. Out of the ward. Out of California. Away from everyone here. People who are getting married (LDS and not), and away from this mediocre existence. The Dorkwad is worst. In all ways, that friendship seems corrupted. To top that off, he can't even give me a warning about his new gf? How am I expected to deal with that bomb from out of no where? Like nothings changed? Of course it has and that's OK but... after all this time I don't deserve a headsup? A nod of civility in my direction? Talk about feeling used.

So officially as of last night, I have nothing to stay for. Even Masasto is finally leaving the country so if I was truely dumb enough to visit that disaster again I couldn't.

So I guess everyone is moving on from me. I'm going to leave his keys in the mailbox and just get out of here. My mother has always been a big fan of the restart button but I never was as far as it applied to relationships. But maybe this is how it manifests in me.

If everyone is going to move on, then I don't want to stay... I don't even care where I go, as long as it's not here.

Appathetic depression?

I’m soooo sick of life. If I wasn’t Mormon maybe I would have ended it by now. Unfortunately, being so aware, I know that life doesn’t actually end with death. So there’s no point in trying to stop it.

Granted, I should have no reason to complain. And I’m not. That’s why I’m writing this here instead of confiding in a friend. And who is to confide in anyway? No one who can understand or make it better. The whole thing is too wide and deep to explain and why would I burden a perfectly normal human being with long depressing tales that have no happy ending or solution? There is no answer but time for a majority of the things that plague me anyway. Best not to make it worse by talking about it. But I will mention one symptom that I’m not sure of the ailment. Whatever I’m sick with, I haven’t taken the sacrament in… 2 months? Minus of course this past weekend where I attended church with my parents in Utah. But even then I didn’t take it seriously at all, playing around with my siblings instead. I know it’s a bad thing. I know that, I do. I can’t figure out though if I’m doing it intentionally or not. Sometimes I’m just late, other times I’d just rather sit in the hall. Sometimes it’s guilt. Because I am guilty.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the opposite example of the Pride cycle. When things are going well I always remember to thank God and serve others as I can and work hard. But when everything falls apart I feel like I’m not worthy to claim any blessings at all causing me to withdraw from all good things.

So to find out what’s wrong with me, let’s make a list of NEW ailments that have surfaced in the last 30 days or so. Such problems as hating everyone are common when I’m depressed so I’ll skip those.

Symptoms are:

• I don’t go to church.
• Can’t see the floor of my room (Bad by even my standards)
• Dirty Laundry is now inching on 3 months
• Stopped communicating with/I’m avoiding  Jeremy, Alex, Austin, and pretty much every girl in my ward
• Tongue feels waxy and numb for the last 4 days. No exaggeration. I hope it’s not polio.
• Every word Lisa says grates on my nerves. Especially when she laughs.
• Entirely Consuming apathetic attitude except
• An Increasingly pessimistic and bitter against everyone with a job.
• A distinct disinterest in checking out cute guys. Huh.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do but whatever I’m doing will probably turn out wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Every day in this temp job, I’ll make another mistake. Whatever job I get after this, I’ll be a bad fit. And it’ll be another secretary position that’s “beneath” me while my friends continue to travel and move on in their lives. Taking the GRE I’ll be wrong most of the time. If I go to Grad school I’ll be the strangest girl there and I’ll probably be so lost that I’ll come out of it in the same helpless position I’m in now. If I move, I will pack the wrong way. If I eat, it will be the wrong foods. If I talk to my friends, I’ll only be circling the drain and bringing them with me.

I’m not happy enough to talk to Alex. Not pretty enough or smell good enough to hang out with Jeremy or any other asian friend, or make any decision that’s right. And as much as I believe God knows me and loves me, I sincerely doubt anything I could do would make a hill of beans difference as He seems pretty indifferent to the outcome of the choices I make. Speaking from experience here, I’m not really seeing a plan for me. Probably because there isn’t one. I just have to breathe in and out every day and… that’s it. I can try all I want to be something “successful” but in the end it’ll come down to waking up, eating, yes, no, yes, and back to bed again. Showering, cleaning, seeking, thinking over and over. And I should feel lucky that things are not worse. I should.

While I can’t see any future, my logical mind reminds me that this is probably another phase. As long as this has gone on, it probably won’t be forever. So I was just thinking that maybe if I didn’t say anything to ANYONE then… I dunno, I won’t lose anything?

Cause…… well, who cares anyway?

28 years Experience

Well I’ll never be a Damn RS President. I’ll never be a great scholar. I want to go home. Right now. Lisa says “Some things in life don't matter - in the long run. Does any of this really matter? No, how you react and treat people does matter”. This is just after she admits to letting the bosses here treat her like garbage. I don’t think you can have it both ways; you can’t expect yourself to be kind always and not expect the same decency from others. Besides which, this is a job. They pay you to be here. They are not your friends or your relief society sisters. What’s the harm? At some point I consider it throwing pearls before swine to demean yourself to these ego bloated corporate self-important jerks. Do you know why I’m not often star-struck (minus a handful of talented people)? Because I would rather see a person’s quality. Not their status. You know who I really get star-struck by? People with REAL talent or who are REALLY HONESTLY GOOD humans. But people like these who snap at you for saying the words “good morning” and don’t think twice about it are NOT the kind of people who need you to kiss up to them. Are they paying you so much to subject yourself to that kind of childish behavior? Even if they were, that’s no excuse to justify a person’s bad character. Lisa says that’s just life. But that’s why a job is a job.

That’s what I’ve learned. Because bending over backwards with kindness, hard labor, late nights, and endless patience for the egos of rotted bosses has only gotten me more late nights, more, abuse, less time with friends, more time being afraid for my livelihood and eventually getting let go. My friend Katherine who I worked so closely with for 2.5 years and who I trusted, who took me to the spa, and we had late night chats and hang outs and honest discussions about life- THAT woman, wouldn’t look me in the eye. THAT woman, signed my last check and would not stand up to defend me. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t my friend. She was my boss. Your boss doesn’t care how hard you work, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Your boss doesn’t care how late you stay as long as you’re there on time and don’t cost them OT.  Your boss isn’t interested in your growth or your progress or your ambitions or your dreams or even what you do when you get home. Because they’re paying you what they think you’re worth. Not a dime more – finically or emotionally. No wonder California has to nanny the treatment of employees. And it’s a good thing that society has made it very clear that bad behavior is to be expected from wealthy people and the only ones who teach eternal kindness are the Christians. As far as I’m concerned, Chriatianity is for all people. And those who don’t expect others to treat them with respect will be disrespected all their lives.  I know I have been.

So I’m not smart. And I’m not talented. But I’m not stupid and I’m not unkind. But I am SO done dealing with abuse like this. Take it from someone with a lifelong career of it. I should put that on my resume: 28 years Experience in handling emotional exploitation.

best

i need a new best friend. this one is broken.