Depressing Snob

Which am I: stuck up or self-defeating? I’ve never been called stuck-up before but I don’t know anyone who would come right out and use that term since I was in Junior High. But it’s possible.

My nature is fighting me here at this job, I’d like to defend myself but really, what’s the point to do that when the accusation is based on silliness?

Here is the latest example: I set a meeting, I get an email from an attendee stating that my Boss sent out a cancelation and wanted to know if we needed to find another time for it.

It’s still on MY view of my boss’s calendar, but not hers. Considering the facts, obviously… my boss accidentally must have canceled it. I asked her, “Did you cancel this for a reason?” She has no idea what I’m talking about, denies she knew anything about it, I politely suggest that maybe it’s an Outlook glitch. “Casey,” she huffs, “we’ve got to communicate better- I can’t keep dealing with these Outlook things! UGG.” She’s blaming me as though I made this happen… I don’t say anything. Just agree, apologize, and sit down to re-send the event and cc her apologizing for the confusion.  

Personally, I’d like to put my hands on my hips and explain I only did what I was told. But past employment has taught me- nobody is paying to hear excuses.

Knowing that these kind of issues wouldn’t not be an issue to an assistant better than me is little comfort. The problem is here and now and I’m the one who gets to catch the hot potato. I’m waiting for a moment when I do something really well to drop the news that I’m going away to school and btw I’d like to keep this job until I leave. Seems unlikely. Maybe the news will make them want to ditch the idea of keeping me around as long as they can. Or Maybe it would reassure them that I’m not here for the long hall and proposing an end-date in August works out to secure my placement here. Who knows.

In the meantime, I still feel a twist in my stomach when stuff goes wrong. I keep thinking to myself something between modestly learning and feeling out of place and under-employed.

In general, life is just fine right now. It’s teetering a tad but not awful by any means. I’m just considering today- do I trust my thinking that I can do great things or am I really as bad as I feel?