500 Days of Summer

So, although I made it there late, I did get to see a good portion of 500 Days of Summer.

A fantastic movie. I feel like summer. I may not be as 100% behind my own beliefs like she is but I do 100% identify with her confussion, her desire to fall in love, the protection in the form of disbelief she uses to hide her phobia that it would never happen to her, her attitude to do what she wants and thats it. And the fact that she does really care about this guy and wants to be with him- but she doesn't love him. He asks Summer what is so great about her husband and she says something profound: He made me feel sure of the thing I never was with you.

She's not a bad person. and it's sooooooo nice to be adored. And yes, I've felt like him before too- although never to that degree (is that a crime?) I just want to fall crazy in love for a once. No I meant that sentance just as I wrote it- fall in love for a once. Once and for all. I've been in love before. But I always knew they would pass.

The hard part is, like my mother, I'm a physical girl. I need that touch stimulation to let me know you're there with me. I like to cuddle and hold hands and kiss and snuggle and poke and smack and rub and hug! I like if when someone tugs on my hair or plays with my fingers. I love it when I can close my eyes and know you're still there. I'm not talking about sex, or making out, or even just with boys. Rather, to fall asleep in your arms. To know you want to touch me too. To lean in on the inside of your arm when we watch TV.

You know that was always my dream? I want a boyfriend/husband/friend who can sit with me and watch a movie. I'll hold onto you.

Anyway, please see 500 Days of Summer. I don't know how perfect the end feels, but it is a real end. Go. do it now. I command thee.

Philo of blogging

YOu know sometimes i feel this pent up need to blog and write out what I'm feeling or thinking. Like I'll die with all the information an opinion clogging my brain.

But at the same time I freaking love habit. And I noticed the first three blog posts all came in a tthe 4 o'clock hour. SO I wish I could hold it all in until then to establish some kind of pattern to follow and tradition.

but in truth I shouldn't hold myself back if it feels good (in this case). I guess it doesn't matter if i want to write more than once a day.

I better warn you right now, dear reader, if you have found this blog- please don't don't don't let me know. I'd rather not know. Don't tell me. Let it be a place where I can think I'm alone. Don't be stupid enough to let me know you know.

For my own sanity, I admit I'm subconciously avoiding topics about specific people- but that's for my own protection. If I put it down on paper it becomes perminant until I update otherwise. and that just isn't true to life. people change. In an hour, you could call me. and I could hear your voice in my ear. and then anything I might be feeling would melt away. Which is great! but if it doesn't show up on my blog- you won't know I don't feel that way anymore.

of course, this goes for everything else too. I guess thats why it's important to blog often. But when it comes to people- people get hurt. people carry the feelings of others close to the hearts and the word repeat until they work a person into oblivion. and they THINK too much. I think too much too. so I'll try try try not to let you think too much. In that way, I'm protecting you.

I'll be your hero.

I should really edit those pictures of me as supergirl soon. Right after I finish my lesson plan.

Red Hands before the Cops show up

AH~ I love this song.
GIMMY ONE REASON TO STAY HERE-
and I'll turn right back around...

Ok back to business.

I feel a little like ender from "Ender's shadow". Oddly enough that was not the book from ender's persepective. It's from his friend Bean's- who, when talking to Cournal Graff, tells him that even though Ender hasn't been told he's commiting Xenocide and loseing live soldigers in the great third invasion of the Bugger War, he can still feel the pain his teacher is feeling on behalf of the the lost souls. and it's killing him. I don't know why I tried to explain this to you if you havn't read the book. I bet on it's face, that didn't make a lick of sense. Oh well. What I mean to say is that Howard..well I think the soldigers are dying and he isn't telling me. But I can feel it.

He goes home on time- A very bad sign. and went on two Doctor's appointments this week and didn't complain about the time away from work it took. A VERY bad sign. Howard loves to work. when he thinks things are going well, he stays later and later. He works 7 days a week for more hours than any sane person should.

It's a soul-grating business. You're happiness seems hindged on the sucess you have- which is few and far between. And I'm not helping him.

I can't focus because deep down I don't care. I hate doing this stupid work to get nothing nothing nothing out of it all the time. It's never enough, so why put in more work? I hope this doesn't effect my usefulness as a sales person in the future. but back to the Ender thing, even though I hate it, Howard pays me pretty much out of pocket. so the guilt of not doing 100% all the time also grates. It's a personal attack against Howard and his business and his hard work. But I just can't seem to focus.

I really do believe that If I were to leave him, he'd consider shutting down. Jobs would be gone, and Howard would be left with a feeling of failure- most because I couldn't make his dream come true.

So even though he hasn't told me, and I still really really really want a more fullfilling and rewarding job, I feel awful about the failure I seem to birth- twice a day.

What am I going to do?

I hate my job

and I think I've figured out that that's OK.
I'm not my mother. I'm not my mother. I'm not my mother.

Man..where is my intellectual stimulation?...W-where? AH, i can't find it! I'm getting the jitters man, I-I gotta..w-wha-where...GRAAAH! OH there it is!

*lights up*

...aaaaaah~.....

bullet points of animaid

15 minute phone call at the end of my lunch with my father.

Whew. He makes me seem much smarter than I am, I think.
A few things we talked about:
- Me becoming a professional Emcee. I'd love to do it. could I make enough doing that?
- Calling animaid a 'club'. I think I'm insulted but I see his point
- Adding more staff and more training to have double staff and two events each month
- Establishing an account for animaid's name
- Getting a sister cafe in SanFran
- Getting sample media kits for the LA convention and vistitor center
- Getting listed with the above as a vendor
- Basicly working with businesses as entertainment for their 'special events'

I really need to get that media kit together asap. The faster we can get regular work coming in, the faster this can be the best pt/ft job that was ever created.

Lord, if this is the door I'm supposed to be building, please help it to be a good one. Help us succeed at our dreams.

Controling my Image

I'm a marketer. Contoling images- esspecially MY image, is just part of my nature. It's important to me know how people see me, and to have control over it.

I admit, my brain seems to work a little faster and a little more..."non-linear" shall we say? than others. So I know one of my greatest road blocks to finding a good healthy relationship is my desire to control it. To always know what's going on.

Did I bug him? Is he tired of me yet? Did I say something stupid? How can I make him feel better? Isn't it my job to comfort him even when I'm in pain? These ideas go thorugh my head all the time. Being on the brighter side of the human spectrum (I still refuse to believe I'm 'smart') I know I actually CAN control somethings. Some People. SOme emotions. and a large portion of my image.

but the longer I am around someone, the more tired I become and I can't keep thinking about how I appear. Instead, I'm forced to rely on my nature to attact and keep good people close to me. and I have little to no faith in my nature being attractive.

I think, perhaps, If I can fool someone long enough, the mask will perpetuate in their eyes- if they stop thinking.

So while it's my dream to be with someone smarter than me, it terrified me too. and renforces the idea that no one worthwhile will ever love the real me. Andif you love me, you don't know me, or you don't know you.

But isn't that OK? I mean, wasn't that the goal of controling my image? I win- don't I?

ps. that's why I can't have an honest pub;ic blog btw- I'm scared of the effect it will have on the who read it. If I say, "I hate you" I know they will comma runnin. And where is the value in that? a space to public conceal emotion? none at all

Don't get left behind

Just had a thought-

I better get a boyfriend quickly. Everyone is moving on but me. People may like me and then go away, but they'll find someone else and I'll be left alone feeling stupid.

And although I can't control who I like and who likes me, I better not let myself get left behind.