Controling my Image

I'm a marketer. Contoling images- esspecially MY image, is just part of my nature. It's important to me know how people see me, and to have control over it.

I admit, my brain seems to work a little faster and a little more..."non-linear" shall we say? than others. So I know one of my greatest road blocks to finding a good healthy relationship is my desire to control it. To always know what's going on.

Did I bug him? Is he tired of me yet? Did I say something stupid? How can I make him feel better? Isn't it my job to comfort him even when I'm in pain? These ideas go thorugh my head all the time. Being on the brighter side of the human spectrum (I still refuse to believe I'm 'smart') I know I actually CAN control somethings. Some People. SOme emotions. and a large portion of my image.

but the longer I am around someone, the more tired I become and I can't keep thinking about how I appear. Instead, I'm forced to rely on my nature to attact and keep good people close to me. and I have little to no faith in my nature being attractive.

I think, perhaps, If I can fool someone long enough, the mask will perpetuate in their eyes- if they stop thinking.

So while it's my dream to be with someone smarter than me, it terrified me too. and renforces the idea that no one worthwhile will ever love the real me. Andif you love me, you don't know me, or you don't know you.

But isn't that OK? I mean, wasn't that the goal of controling my image? I win- don't I?

ps. that's why I can't have an honest pub;ic blog btw- I'm scared of the effect it will have on the who read it. If I say, "I hate you" I know they will comma runnin. And where is the value in that? a space to public conceal emotion? none at all