Red Hands before the Cops show up

AH~ I love this song.
GIMMY ONE REASON TO STAY HERE-
and I'll turn right back around...

Ok back to business.

I feel a little like ender from "Ender's shadow". Oddly enough that was not the book from ender's persepective. It's from his friend Bean's- who, when talking to Cournal Graff, tells him that even though Ender hasn't been told he's commiting Xenocide and loseing live soldigers in the great third invasion of the Bugger War, he can still feel the pain his teacher is feeling on behalf of the the lost souls. and it's killing him. I don't know why I tried to explain this to you if you havn't read the book. I bet on it's face, that didn't make a lick of sense. Oh well. What I mean to say is that Howard..well I think the soldigers are dying and he isn't telling me. But I can feel it.

He goes home on time- A very bad sign. and went on two Doctor's appointments this week and didn't complain about the time away from work it took. A VERY bad sign. Howard loves to work. when he thinks things are going well, he stays later and later. He works 7 days a week for more hours than any sane person should.

It's a soul-grating business. You're happiness seems hindged on the sucess you have- which is few and far between. And I'm not helping him.

I can't focus because deep down I don't care. I hate doing this stupid work to get nothing nothing nothing out of it all the time. It's never enough, so why put in more work? I hope this doesn't effect my usefulness as a sales person in the future. but back to the Ender thing, even though I hate it, Howard pays me pretty much out of pocket. so the guilt of not doing 100% all the time also grates. It's a personal attack against Howard and his business and his hard work. But I just can't seem to focus.

I really do believe that If I were to leave him, he'd consider shutting down. Jobs would be gone, and Howard would be left with a feeling of failure- most because I couldn't make his dream come true.

So even though he hasn't told me, and I still really really really want a more fullfilling and rewarding job, I feel awful about the failure I seem to birth- twice a day.

What am I going to do?