Date report:
This was #3 with this person. He’s nice, creative, and sweet. Smart and we have a lot of the same interests. But I have to say I felt no spark beyond being very good friends. He was comforting and comfortable. Classy and manly, a complete gentleman with door openings and always letting me walk in front. Never inappropriate or too touchy. We did end up kinda leaning on (holding?) each other after our second date.
But he never called, texted, or chatted me between our dates- and it’s been 3 weeks since the last time I heard from him. I assume he was just taking me out out of convenience. And he just liked to go out. Or, I guess I hoped so. I’m really awful at being to tell when someone likes me- or the level that they do. That’s why I love directness. Saves me the trouble of guessing and feeling like an idiot.
We had a nice long conversation in a nice restaurant (that he was clearly not used to) until they closed and kicked us out. He told me he was a cancer survivor, confessed some secrets to me, and we got into some deep topics. And he even got me to confess things I thought I would NEVER say to a stranger. Even confessing what happened about a month ago. I was so uncomfortable at one point I almost cried. Lol. I didn’t, but that’s not new.
In retrospect, the only clues I could get that perhaps he was really into me for myself, was when we were in the middle of some conversations, I’d look away for a moment and when he’d stop talking I’d look back at him and he’d be staring at me. And after a few seconds he’d shake his head and ask me what we were just talking about. That’s partly my fault though- I was asking a lot of questions. Partly because he said I talked a lot… but then, consider what we talked about, I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a nice deep introspective conversation. He could just not be used to it.
He also said, that although he blocked my status updates on fb (they are too frequent), he had been checking almost everyday. When I took off my glasses he kinda looked at me funny. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without glasses other than your facebook pictures.” It’s not really a compliment, and I couldn’t see his face clearly when he said it (obviously) but I think it was a good thing. I think.
Then when he dropped me off (this was so cute) he hugged me and before he let me go, he brushed my bangs aside very gently with his fingers and asked (as always) if he could see me again some time. “So, I’ll see you… some time.. again? Right?” the ‘please’ was almost audible. It was adorable. That little revealed desperation couldn’t have been my imagination, could it?
I looked away and thought for a bit. This was date 3. I knew that how I felt wouldn’t change. It took guts but… I told him I hoped so, but I didn’t think as more than friends. But I’d like to see him again in the future, if he was okay with that. At this point I looked up into his face which was pretty close to mine. It might have been my imagination but… I could see his face and body flickered with pain. Even in the dark, he looked hurt... but he hid it best he could. Being very still.
He said he’d have to think about it. Think about it. After the nice times we’d had together, had I really hurt him enough so that he would have to consider being friends with me? Good moses, what could have been going on?!
Still, I nodded. I understood that sometimes it just won’t work. He really didn’t return my little hug goodbye. *sting*
As I was walking awkwardly away from his car, I was even stupid enough to say “See you later!...oh or…whatever…” He didn’t respond. Just watched me go inside.
It's an old expression but I feel like a heel.
I think he had really high hopes- higher than I anticipated. I always think people feel the same way I do when I don’t like someone. I mean, don’t they understand too that this won’t work? Outside of work, the only social conversations he has are about 5 minutes long with the girls he swing dances with once a week. He is secluded in his little apartment with never ending regulation and tempered peace and art on his walls.
I wish I could be a person to help him. But...
I’d like to be his friend. I just can’t do more than that.
Anyway, I'll have to trust his judgment. We are not in the same social circles so I’ll likely never seen or hear from him again.
But that really sucks.
I hate this…
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I like, don’t, fear
Things I like, don’t like, and fears.
I like surprises but I hate being out of control. Which may seem contradictory. But it’s difficult to surprise me, and when someone finally does I never know quite how to react. I know that I supposed to pick an emotion at that time- fear, anger, joy, gratefulness- but mostly what I do it stare. And wait for the emotion to come to me. Then I realized that the person trying to surprise me is waiting for my reaction- I try to pick one but it ends up being a mess. Again, I LIKE surprises. I just go for flustered before anything else. Blushing, stammering, and attempting to express myself. I think I confuse people. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do. And if I can’t figure out a way to positively express myself- people will stop trying to surprise me. And I love surprises.
I don’t mind really cold or warm weather. What I dislike is not being able to predict it – or worse, having it come in the wrong season. I am a much more at ease with the world when it’s sunny in the summer, and rightly rainy in the winter. I like rain, ok- I LOVE rain, even snow. But it irks me in the worst way when it comes in the middle of summer. And those people who rejoice in it make me want to smack them. I have no idea why. Things just should be the way they should be. Also, I have a pet peeve about people who complain about warm weather when they live in warm states. People in AZ have no right to complain if they have the ability to leave. Observably, they don’t know what it’s like to have your literal life stop in its tracks because of something falling from the sky.
When I was in school, I used to be afraid of rapists. But traffic in Idaho was minimal. Despite the fact that the entire county had had maybe 5 murder cases in the last 6 years (and knowing Idaho, it was probably some disgruntled wife who locked her husband out in March- freezing him to death by accident), my solution to having to walk next to dark gaps between buildings where the predators might lurk, I decided it would be best to walk in the middle of the street- on the side of the road that had on-coming cars, so I wouldn’t be hit from behind. This way, if someone sprang out from the corners, I could see them and get a head start on running away. Although, knowing me- I either wouldn’t run fast enough anyway, or I’d start to blush, stammer, and attempt to express myself.
I sleep curled up in a ball. Probably to keep warm, but when I sleep with someone else, I like to wrap all my limbs around them- legs, arms, face smushed in their neck. Then I don’t mind sleeping stretched out- I’m warm enough when I’m with someone. Also when I sleep with someone else, I don’t move. I’d die before I’d want to disturb them. I like to keep those moments forever.
I had a problem growing up, I could never see myself older than 16. So on the eve of my 16th birthday I cried myself to sleep. I was positive someone would either break through the window that night and kill me. Or someone was under my mattress waiting to stab me through it. at the time I also had a canopy bed, I thought, in the darkness, there must be a ninja up there waiting for me to pass out before dropping down on me. This happened often. For some reason both my bio brothers have a fear of death like me. It’s happened many times before when I was living at home, I’d come to dad in the night because of similar fears. I still get minor attacks once a year. Only now I live alone so I have to cry myself to sleep and thank God I lasted the night.
I like surprises but I hate being out of control. Which may seem contradictory. But it’s difficult to surprise me, and when someone finally does I never know quite how to react. I know that I supposed to pick an emotion at that time- fear, anger, joy, gratefulness- but mostly what I do it stare. And wait for the emotion to come to me. Then I realized that the person trying to surprise me is waiting for my reaction- I try to pick one but it ends up being a mess. Again, I LIKE surprises. I just go for flustered before anything else. Blushing, stammering, and attempting to express myself. I think I confuse people. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do. And if I can’t figure out a way to positively express myself- people will stop trying to surprise me. And I love surprises.
I don’t mind really cold or warm weather. What I dislike is not being able to predict it – or worse, having it come in the wrong season. I am a much more at ease with the world when it’s sunny in the summer, and rightly rainy in the winter. I like rain, ok- I LOVE rain, even snow. But it irks me in the worst way when it comes in the middle of summer. And those people who rejoice in it make me want to smack them. I have no idea why. Things just should be the way they should be. Also, I have a pet peeve about people who complain about warm weather when they live in warm states. People in AZ have no right to complain if they have the ability to leave. Observably, they don’t know what it’s like to have your literal life stop in its tracks because of something falling from the sky.
When I was in school, I used to be afraid of rapists. But traffic in Idaho was minimal. Despite the fact that the entire county had had maybe 5 murder cases in the last 6 years (and knowing Idaho, it was probably some disgruntled wife who locked her husband out in March- freezing him to death by accident), my solution to having to walk next to dark gaps between buildings where the predators might lurk, I decided it would be best to walk in the middle of the street- on the side of the road that had on-coming cars, so I wouldn’t be hit from behind. This way, if someone sprang out from the corners, I could see them and get a head start on running away. Although, knowing me- I either wouldn’t run fast enough anyway, or I’d start to blush, stammer, and attempt to express myself.
I sleep curled up in a ball. Probably to keep warm, but when I sleep with someone else, I like to wrap all my limbs around them- legs, arms, face smushed in their neck. Then I don’t mind sleeping stretched out- I’m warm enough when I’m with someone. Also when I sleep with someone else, I don’t move. I’d die before I’d want to disturb them. I like to keep those moments forever.
I had a problem growing up, I could never see myself older than 16. So on the eve of my 16th birthday I cried myself to sleep. I was positive someone would either break through the window that night and kill me. Or someone was under my mattress waiting to stab me through it. at the time I also had a canopy bed, I thought, in the darkness, there must be a ninja up there waiting for me to pass out before dropping down on me. This happened often. For some reason both my bio brothers have a fear of death like me. It’s happened many times before when I was living at home, I’d come to dad in the night because of similar fears. I still get minor attacks once a year. Only now I live alone so I have to cry myself to sleep and thank God I lasted the night.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Venus Di Milo
Snip snip snip cut me out of your life one bit at a time.
I spent the majority of the weekend alone. For the last month I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible so my brain didn’t think about…uh, stuff. And make me depressed and lonely- too busy for that silly girly stuff. But this weekend I had nothing. Or rather, I was invited to several parties but I opted not to go. On Friday a friend came over and we talked and ate brownies until I fell asleep on the couch. But Saturday I spent at home, sewing, cleaning, whatever. It was pleasant. Watching movies, my mind didn’t wander too far into any danger zones. For dinner I went out and picked up an order of Chinese food which was REALLY good. Maybe because I was starving. But anyway, I brought it home and ate it pleasantly on my bed as I went back to sewing.
Sunday was pretty productive too. Again, I was supposed to go to a potluck but I opted out in favor of staying secluded for a while longer. But you know how when your home alone and you know no one is going to see you so you suddenly don’t care about your appearance so long as your comfortable? For some people that means sweats or running around nude. Well, for me- that means layers. A green dress I wore to church, mismatched ankle socks, tartan blanket, black sweater, and my grey fedora because my head was cold.
But when I went to sleep last night, it was the strangest thing. I guess all this alone time played with my head- I got undressed for bed, and not dressed again. I ended up sleeping, quite consciously, Venus Di Milo style- in just my slip. Never done that before. While cold (I normally like to sleep bundled up so as to pretend I’m not alone), it felt different and slightly sexy. (Not sure if it was a good feeling or not, having no one to appreciate it but me, lol) I couldn’t do it all the time, but it was a strange end to a very quiet weekend. I think I should just be proud I didn’t get depressed. Wow that sounds pathetic.
…I brought an egg to work today…
I spent the majority of the weekend alone. For the last month I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible so my brain didn’t think about…uh, stuff. And make me depressed and lonely- too busy for that silly girly stuff. But this weekend I had nothing. Or rather, I was invited to several parties but I opted not to go. On Friday a friend came over and we talked and ate brownies until I fell asleep on the couch. But Saturday I spent at home, sewing, cleaning, whatever. It was pleasant. Watching movies, my mind didn’t wander too far into any danger zones. For dinner I went out and picked up an order of Chinese food which was REALLY good. Maybe because I was starving. But anyway, I brought it home and ate it pleasantly on my bed as I went back to sewing.
Sunday was pretty productive too. Again, I was supposed to go to a potluck but I opted out in favor of staying secluded for a while longer. But you know how when your home alone and you know no one is going to see you so you suddenly don’t care about your appearance so long as your comfortable? For some people that means sweats or running around nude. Well, for me- that means layers. A green dress I wore to church, mismatched ankle socks, tartan blanket, black sweater, and my grey fedora because my head was cold.
But when I went to sleep last night, it was the strangest thing. I guess all this alone time played with my head- I got undressed for bed, and not dressed again. I ended up sleeping, quite consciously, Venus Di Milo style- in just my slip. Never done that before. While cold (I normally like to sleep bundled up so as to pretend I’m not alone), it felt different and slightly sexy. (Not sure if it was a good feeling or not, having no one to appreciate it but me, lol) I couldn’t do it all the time, but it was a strange end to a very quiet weekend. I think I should just be proud I didn’t get depressed. Wow that sounds pathetic.
…I brought an egg to work today…
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Howard Snippits
Moh. I want to text him so badly. But it’s just not time yet. If it still hurts just seeing his picture pop up on my phone, then it’s not safe to contact him. I just reaaaaaaaaally hope he isn’t hurt by my non-response. It’s like by doing nothing, I’ve lost him again. I’m really awful at ‘not missing’ thing. I’m just not built to go through too many relationships. Hope my next is my last.
Shake it off Casey. Onto stupid things Howard says:
Howard: “Casey, I don’t know how to delete this address.”
Casey: *walks over* “See the button that says, “Delete Address?”
Howard: “…”
Casey: *walks away*
Howard: “My chat is down. Call IT”
Casey: “Why? they’re just going to say to wait 10 minutes and try again because it looks like a server problem.”
Howard: “Just call them.”
Casey: *calls* “They said wait 10 minutes and try again.”
I said, “Adios” to Howard today instead of “goodbye”. That’s all I said. 20 minutes later he’s wrapping up a story about how and when he took Spanish in high school after a series of traumatic cheating escapades, paternal beatings, and clever Hispanic friends will to get him out of summer school. The dumb thing is, I’ve heard this dumb story before and it always end the same way. “Remember Casey, it’s better to cheat than to repeat.”
Shake it off Casey. Onto stupid things Howard says:
Howard: “Casey, I don’t know how to delete this address.”
Casey: *walks over* “See the button that says, “Delete Address?”
Howard: “…”
Casey: *walks away*
Howard: “My chat is down. Call IT”
Casey: “Why? they’re just going to say to wait 10 minutes and try again because it looks like a server problem.”
Howard: “Just call them.”
Casey: *calls* “They said wait 10 minutes and try again.”
I said, “Adios” to Howard today instead of “goodbye”. That’s all I said. 20 minutes later he’s wrapping up a story about how and when he took Spanish in high school after a series of traumatic cheating escapades, paternal beatings, and clever Hispanic friends will to get him out of summer school. The dumb thing is, I’ve heard this dumb story before and it always end the same way. “Remember Casey, it’s better to cheat than to repeat.”
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday at Work
Ok, there are a lot of reasons I can’t complain. I recognize most of them. But this is my blog and I can write about what I want.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I was making some commission. But the way this retarded system works, after getting an order, it may take months to fill it. And then once we do find the perfect match, it takes 2 weeks for them to start the new job (at least (that’s sans relo)) plus 90 days the candidate has to stay in the job to guarantee the job is secure. After that it could be another month before I see any monetary commissions.
Today, another strong candidate who was out only pick for a job in SanFran told us he was waiting on another gig to come through- and it did. So after all this time finagling and searching and putting him through the tireless interview process across the country, he had been stringing us along.
I have to restart this whole process again. And I’m still not getting paid for it. This kind of thing is stretching my nerves that no spa day can cure.
“We need to improve our system!”
“You’ve been saying that for YEARS Howard! I told you how to do it, you just don’t want to put the time into it! and frankly, neither do I.”
“But we have to talk about this! It’s a really big issue because of XY-”
“-and Z!!! I’ve been telling you that forever!”
Then I open up my docket of items to attach (a stupid process) and there is 50x the number of documents as there should be. WTH?! Where did these come from?! So I spent my afternoon on the phone with a nice IT guy (who calls me ‘lady’ because he thinks I’m fanceh) discussing possible issues with the new system. Naturally, it’s because of something Howard has been doing. He was given a new tool to play with that he thinks is a fun and efficient and hell- now it’s ruining my life cause no one taught him how to use it properly. Making the fun new tool totally moot.
But I get to fix it none the less.
I can’t get out of this job- the office is too small. The slightest movement away and Howard will smell danger. And the truth is, I don’t know if he can replace me. Well, at least not my tech knowledge. The rest of the stuff can be learned and some fresh faced idiot might jump at the chance.
But then, where would I go? Throw myself into the working field again where I wasn’t wanted to begin with? What would I do? More than I am right now? It might take time away from animaid. Less than I am right now? Maybe that would keep me from making enough money to support myself, from progressing in my career, or lose out on the potential for commission here. All these freaking unknowns.
All I know is that, although I love the slight change in today’s routine, I’m annoyed I’m still here. I need a change.
I know I know. I can’t complain. It’s my blog dang it!!!
It wouldn’t be so bad if I was making some commission. But the way this retarded system works, after getting an order, it may take months to fill it. And then once we do find the perfect match, it takes 2 weeks for them to start the new job (at least (that’s sans relo)) plus 90 days the candidate has to stay in the job to guarantee the job is secure. After that it could be another month before I see any monetary commissions.
Today, another strong candidate who was out only pick for a job in SanFran told us he was waiting on another gig to come through- and it did. So after all this time finagling and searching and putting him through the tireless interview process across the country, he had been stringing us along.
I have to restart this whole process again. And I’m still not getting paid for it. This kind of thing is stretching my nerves that no spa day can cure.
“We need to improve our system!”
“You’ve been saying that for YEARS Howard! I told you how to do it, you just don’t want to put the time into it! and frankly, neither do I.”
“But we have to talk about this! It’s a really big issue because of XY-”
“-and Z!!! I’ve been telling you that forever!”
Then I open up my docket of items to attach (a stupid process) and there is 50x the number of documents as there should be. WTH?! Where did these come from?! So I spent my afternoon on the phone with a nice IT guy (who calls me ‘lady’ because he thinks I’m fanceh) discussing possible issues with the new system. Naturally, it’s because of something Howard has been doing. He was given a new tool to play with that he thinks is a fun and efficient and hell- now it’s ruining my life cause no one taught him how to use it properly. Making the fun new tool totally moot.
But I get to fix it none the less.
I can’t get out of this job- the office is too small. The slightest movement away and Howard will smell danger. And the truth is, I don’t know if he can replace me. Well, at least not my tech knowledge. The rest of the stuff can be learned and some fresh faced idiot might jump at the chance.
But then, where would I go? Throw myself into the working field again where I wasn’t wanted to begin with? What would I do? More than I am right now? It might take time away from animaid. Less than I am right now? Maybe that would keep me from making enough money to support myself, from progressing in my career, or lose out on the potential for commission here. All these freaking unknowns.
All I know is that, although I love the slight change in today’s routine, I’m annoyed I’m still here. I need a change.
I know I know. I can’t complain. It’s my blog dang it!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
dating recap
I woke up thinking about him today. I know it’s bad. I’m not supposed to ever think about him. But I’m planning this lesson today on faith and for some reason he comes to mind. How my faith keeps me going. How it effects my decisions regarding him. I know it’s probably a good story to tell but it’s also rather incriminating. And being as private a person I am, it feels too soon after the fact to be telling such a story. But now that he is in my head, I can’t seem to get him out.
I checked his fb, today. It says he’s still single. But I don’t think he is the kind of person to announce such things on fb- but he may be alone. Not that it matters- I don’t think I would have checked if I couldn’t handle it. Is his birthday coming up?
So I have been dating a lot recently. More of an outstanding coincidence than anything I think. My internet friend and I have seen each other 6 times. And his language to me is starting to change. Before it was always grand plans and adventure time. Now he was to take long drives, cuddle on the couch, or even (DUNDUNDUN) let me pick what we do- even if I’ve done it a million times. He was at a club last night hating it so he sent me a text. He said he wished he were in the car with me driving home. The specific phrase I’m thinking of said, “It’s not because I don’t want to see you.” See me? I thought it was all about doing something fun. But, if I take him at his word, then he doesn’t like me. And if I take him by his overall actions (he never touches me except a goodnight hug, a pat on the head when I’m being dumb) he doesn’t want me. So to change my mind about what I think he feels is absurd. I’d be fooling myself to think he felt anything for me. And that’s fine because I think I hate him. Which makes it safe to keep being friends. Right? I just wish he’d stop pestering me about staying the night. I might give in even though I really don’t know what that means.
On the other front there is the artist. Who never contacts me except to set up dates. I feel like I never quite know what’s going on in his life. And while he clearly likes me, asking way in advance of my schedule, it seems more a relationship of convenience than anything. If he doesn’t want to contact me beyond taking me out. And then even on our dates, a large chunk of it isn’t about talking at all >_>. I wonder if he has much to say and what he sees in me if I’m not entertaining him. I have to return his book.
I really need to get back to planning this lesson. I forgot to call dad so I may be too late. I just hope everyone has stories to help me fill in the spirit and time.
I wonder if writing all this is a mistake. I can’t help who likes me when. And as long as my heart is no where… anyway. I hope this whole mess gets resolved soon.
I checked his fb, today. It says he’s still single. But I don’t think he is the kind of person to announce such things on fb- but he may be alone. Not that it matters- I don’t think I would have checked if I couldn’t handle it. Is his birthday coming up?
So I have been dating a lot recently. More of an outstanding coincidence than anything I think. My internet friend and I have seen each other 6 times. And his language to me is starting to change. Before it was always grand plans and adventure time. Now he was to take long drives, cuddle on the couch, or even (DUNDUNDUN) let me pick what we do- even if I’ve done it a million times. He was at a club last night hating it so he sent me a text. He said he wished he were in the car with me driving home. The specific phrase I’m thinking of said, “It’s not because I don’t want to see you.” See me? I thought it was all about doing something fun. But, if I take him at his word, then he doesn’t like me. And if I take him by his overall actions (he never touches me except a goodnight hug, a pat on the head when I’m being dumb) he doesn’t want me. So to change my mind about what I think he feels is absurd. I’d be fooling myself to think he felt anything for me. And that’s fine because I think I hate him. Which makes it safe to keep being friends. Right? I just wish he’d stop pestering me about staying the night. I might give in even though I really don’t know what that means.
On the other front there is the artist. Who never contacts me except to set up dates. I feel like I never quite know what’s going on in his life. And while he clearly likes me, asking way in advance of my schedule, it seems more a relationship of convenience than anything. If he doesn’t want to contact me beyond taking me out. And then even on our dates, a large chunk of it isn’t about talking at all >_>. I wonder if he has much to say and what he sees in me if I’m not entertaining him. I have to return his book.
I really need to get back to planning this lesson. I forgot to call dad so I may be too late. I just hope everyone has stories to help me fill in the spirit and time.
I wonder if writing all this is a mistake. I can’t help who likes me when. And as long as my heart is no where… anyway. I hope this whole mess gets resolved soon.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
thought I'd share...
The woman who looked old enough to have liver her teen years in the 50’s shared an elevator with me today. She sported a gold purse made entirely of gold sequins and fat beige cords. Which almost over-powered her pink furry uggs. She needed them on a rainy day like this because as the inch of hairy calf revealed, she also wore dark blue Capri’s under a tie-dyed pink and blue plaid jacket (yes, plaid AND tie-dyed.)
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