dating recap

I woke up thinking about him today. I know it’s bad. I’m not supposed to ever think about him. But I’m planning this lesson today on faith and for some reason he comes to mind. How my faith keeps me going. How it effects my decisions regarding him. I know it’s probably a good story to tell but it’s also rather incriminating. And being as private a person I am, it feels too soon after the fact to be telling such a story. But now that he is in my head, I can’t seem to get him out.

I checked his fb, today. It says he’s still single. But I don’t think he is the kind of person to announce such things on fb- but he may be alone. Not that it matters- I don’t think I would have checked if I couldn’t handle it. Is his birthday coming up?

So I have been dating a lot recently. More of an outstanding coincidence than anything I think. My internet friend and I have seen each other 6 times. And his language to me is starting to change. Before it was always grand plans and adventure time. Now he was to take long drives, cuddle on the couch, or even (DUNDUNDUN) let me pick what we do- even if I’ve done it a million times. He was at a club last night hating it so he sent me a text. He said he wished he were in the car with me driving home. The specific phrase I’m thinking of said, “It’s not because I don’t want to see you.” See me? I thought it was all about doing something fun. But, if I take him at his word, then he doesn’t like me. And if I take him by his overall actions (he never touches me except a goodnight hug, a pat on the head when I’m being dumb) he doesn’t want me. So to change my mind about what I think he feels is absurd. I’d be fooling myself to think he felt anything for me. And that’s fine because I think I hate him. Which makes it safe to keep being friends. Right? I just wish he’d stop pestering me about staying the night. I might give in even though I really don’t know what that means.

On the other front there is the artist. Who never contacts me except to set up dates. I feel like I never quite know what’s going on in his life. And while he clearly likes me, asking way in advance of my schedule, it seems more a relationship of convenience than anything. If he doesn’t want to contact me beyond taking me out. And then even on our dates, a large chunk of it isn’t about talking at all >_>. I wonder if he has much to say and what he sees in me if I’m not entertaining him. I have to return his book.



I really need to get back to planning this lesson. I forgot to call dad so I may be too late. I just hope everyone has stories to help me fill in the spirit and time.

I wonder if writing all this is a mistake. I can’t help who likes me when. And as long as my heart is no where… anyway. I hope this whole mess gets resolved soon.