It's Healthy to Hate Me.

I’m not a manipulative person, although I believe I know how. My mother is a gold medalist in it and having been a victim of that kind of torment, I’m keenly aware of it’s presence in me. For others, I suppose they do their best to influence people around them resulting in some kind of semi-success. I wonder if my belief that I have great power prevents me from using it- resulting in subjecting myself to other’s will more often than an average person. I don’t mean this to beg for pity- POOR CASEY. SMART *AND* ABUSED.

My mother required us to lie to survive. Even about things that didn’t matter. While in a normal situation, you could just say, “Traffic made me late” (because that’s the truth), you’d get accused of lying or cheating by my mother. Instead you’d have to come up with some elaborate story and bear evidence. Otherwise you didn’t love her enough.

Dear person who I have not spoken to in over a year who suddenly sends me messages about rekindling our "relationship", if I told you the truth, I think you’d hate me. Even if I could make you see what I see, I’m sure you’d twist my good intentions into a wretched caniving plot to ruin your life. All I can do is put up my hands and say “Yes indeed, I’m a harpy from the 7th circle of Hell, the whore of the earth, placed here by the devil himself to ruin your life and make absolutely SURE that you’ll never be happy again.” It makes people feel better to believe the one who wounded them is an awful person. I admit to not being perfect. And I’m still finding the balance between being good to others and protecting myself. But I’m not such an awful person. My heart, once owned by a man, is not tough enough to weather the storms of disappointment again.

One example which will probably expose me; I’m still developing the discipline to stay awaaaaaaaay sexually from men I want but can’t have. I get so attached emotionally and the physical is always right behind. But it’s tough to keep up an appropriate wall when someone is nibbling on my ear. If I had to blame anything, I’d say I’m a late bloomer and all the physical exploits I’ve missed out on are suddenly trying to make up for lost time and holy crap I have not built any defenses. O_o It’s all new to me! I lack discipline this way, it’s true. So why does it seem that everyone else can get away with it and I cannot? Why do people I know prefer a violent severance?

It would be nice to blame others for not taking my word for it when I explain that it’s not going to work... but instead I’m going to assume it’s always my fault. Because *I* can’t handle casual sex or a meaningless relationship, you can hate me. Perhaps I am the charmingly malicious harpy people think I am.

Despite that, I don’t think you want to hear the much worse truth. The truth is, I don’t miss you. I don't think that makes me a bad person, but there is no sympathy for people like me. So hate me. And feel better.

You know one of the cruelest things ******* ever said to me? That if he had known I was a Mormon, he never would have met me. Yet I'm the vindictive one. Right?




P.s. I saw *** this week. He bought me a peach smoothie. Beginning to end was about 45 minutes, which is less than a blip compared to the enormity of a lifetime. I thought it might be a stupid thing, allowing myself to retrieve those old sweet memories. It might have broken open the stitches painstakingly sewed into my heart because I know I haven’t stopped loving him. But the infection of loneliness has been worked out my system it seems. If anything, I felt relieved. The little voice is confirmed and now I know it for sure.

You know what I may like most? I can tell him the truth, and he'd never hate me. Tell me where can I find another guy like that?

Tears at Sunrise.

Huh. So Oct 10 of 2010 apparently I woke up thinking about ***.

Looks like I'm at it again. I had a dream and as I woke up from it I could hear myself saying allowed, "Why are you so wonderful? I miss you. I miss you." As soon as I knew I was awake I started to cry. Cry? Really? The last two days I haven't been sleeping well. The consequence of course is that I'm very sleepy at work. So I went to bed early as I could (just after forcing myself to eat.) And life just woke me up at 6:20. Just when I was feeling like so many things are finally going in the right direction (and I pray they stay that way) why am I suddenly like this? I thought I was doing well. I mean, even in my dream the obstacles to our being together still existed. but he smelled so good. And I got the chance to stare at his beautiful face in the way he looks in photos- happy and unencumbered.
I never told anyone this but, for some reason during my most self deprecating moment, that I heard something whisper to me a truth that I cling to from time to time. It isn't often that a sweet and tender mercy like this is shared with me for no other reason than to give comfort. It might be pathetic to need a reassurance like this, but I can't deny that I am in fact a girl, and sometimes girls just need to hear it. The voice told me that he'll always love me. How strange.
This dream and waking up this way won't change any other path I'm on. I'm still interested in whom I'm interested in, I'll be chased and chase and date the same way and maybe soon I'll find someone real enough to hold on to that I won't have to wonder whither it's right or wrong. Despite that, I guess it must prove true- I know what being in love feels like. It's still painful.

ps. sorry about this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.