Tears at Sunrise.

Huh. So Oct 10 of 2010 apparently I woke up thinking about ***.

Looks like I'm at it again. I had a dream and as I woke up from it I could hear myself saying allowed, "Why are you so wonderful? I miss you. I miss you." As soon as I knew I was awake I started to cry. Cry? Really? The last two days I haven't been sleeping well. The consequence of course is that I'm very sleepy at work. So I went to bed early as I could (just after forcing myself to eat.) And life just woke me up at 6:20. Just when I was feeling like so many things are finally going in the right direction (and I pray they stay that way) why am I suddenly like this? I thought I was doing well. I mean, even in my dream the obstacles to our being together still existed. but he smelled so good. And I got the chance to stare at his beautiful face in the way he looks in photos- happy and unencumbered.
I never told anyone this but, for some reason during my most self deprecating moment, that I heard something whisper to me a truth that I cling to from time to time. It isn't often that a sweet and tender mercy like this is shared with me for no other reason than to give comfort. It might be pathetic to need a reassurance like this, but I can't deny that I am in fact a girl, and sometimes girls just need to hear it. The voice told me that he'll always love me. How strange.
This dream and waking up this way won't change any other path I'm on. I'm still interested in whom I'm interested in, I'll be chased and chase and date the same way and maybe soon I'll find someone real enough to hold on to that I won't have to wonder whither it's right or wrong. Despite that, I guess it must prove true- I know what being in love feels like. It's still painful.

ps. sorry about this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.