The Videogamegasm.

Sigh. why must I always feel poor around my birthday? It’s probably because I like spending money on other people much more than myself. So when I’m faced with a situation in which I SHOULD spend on myself, I come up with excuses. And feeling poor is a powerful excuse for me.

But to be honest, the VGL concert was the best birthday present I could have given myself. I had forgotten how absolutely moving piano music can be for me. And I haven’t heard it live in so long, it was refreshing and clean like rain in the desert. Honestly, I freaked out in the stands. After each piece I stood up and cheered until I almost lost my breath. Such a pure and awesome feeling. I’m allowed that right? I mean, other people freak out about their favorite rock stars or actor. I just happen to have fallen for this one performer. Technically speaking, is his not perfect by any means. He gets too excited and hits more keys than he intended, or he’ll just miss, sometimes he speeds up or slowly down awkwardly. But it isn’t just the (DBZ-like) speed that makes him fan-frik’n-tastic. It’s the SMILE he has when he plays! He love video games! Just like me! I just feel that joy I felt during my first Mario games when I was a little girl when I listen to him. And no amount of outside drama or turmoil can take me away when I’m playing videogames. For some reason- I think they are my ultimate escape. I don’t like to play with friends- just family. When I would watch Eric. For hours on end. And that was such an awful time in my life, I gave my heart to video games. And now that I’m turning into a grown woman, it’s still an escape for me. A time of peace and thoughtless fun. Which I really don’t do very often. It’s a true vacation.

I’ve decided what I want to do for my birthday- Video games. Now, I’m sure that Lisa or Aino will figure something they want to plan for me. I’ll let them do that. But the day of my birth is a Monday. And I have FHE…dammit. But it should be a fun activity if we pull it off okay. So I’ll go. But all I want is to play videogames.

Now that I think about it, this has happened before on my birthday. When I turned 23 I went to a bowling alley alone and spent a few hours with their arcade and pacman. During one summer in Vegas with my mom all I wanted to do was play DDR- which was fine, they took me to a casino arcade…and then watched me play. It was an awful experience. All I really wanted that year was to be on my own. And then on my 24th birthday I went to San Diego and we played mini-golf, went to the beach, and dressed fancy for dinner... and then played videogames at an arcade. And then this year I want to try Dave & Busters because I love air-hockey. (Pretty good at it too if I may say so myself.)

Oh my gosh…why did I never see this pattern? Holy gun bunnies… Seriously, you’re going to laugh at me but I never noticed this before…what an idiot I am.

Maybe I am what steven accused me of- an escapist. I just don’t escape very often. maybe if I did I'd be happier?

But going back to the original point- I have a piano fixation and video game music on that ideal instrument (piano is my second favorite instrument next to the cello) is excellence to me. Pure unadulterated excellence. And even if Martin Leung isn’t a stickler- there are too many perfectionists in the world, I love him because his joy in the music makes me happy. Really happy. <3
The Video Game Pianist

indecent exposure

Okok, here is the tiny epiphany I had over the last week or so.

So I’ve discovered more people have access to this blog than I had previously anticipated. I won’t name names but after having a little more traffic on my *dating* blog I realized the two need to be separated. Like a person interested in me, I believe similarly that the awareness of *this* particular blog will wane in time.

But the dating blog I’m going to move to a new location. Just in case. That isn’t the revelation I had. It’s that… who cares? I’m actually floored- not by how many people have been following me, but indeed, how LITTLE they care. Or rather, that my being (semi) open here hasn’t really effected my personal relationships as much as I had anticipated. You know, mostly.

I still stand by the idea that I’m a much happier person believing that I’m talking to myself and that a majority of secrets are still locked up nicely in my head. But looking back, it’s not like I’m saying anything outrageous. And in truth, if it’s going to get me in real trouble, I should just keep it in my diary anyway. I’m just lazy about the time it takes to write in that thing. My handwriting speed is probably not par.

Anyway. I think I’m at a point in my life where I can easily dissect my life and be a little more content keeping it private again. I suppose this was an attempt to share without actually risking anything. Weird.

You know, in my head on Saturday I had a much more concise way to say this. I’m just trying to cram in all the exceptions I think about.

Still, a pretty meandering post.

Ok so if I’m going to be brave because of my new philosophy- ‘who cares?’ I’ll admit one exception to it. I found a nice guy. I won’t expound about how I feel or don’t feel about him because all that rubbish is moot. Point is, he found me and promptly found out every scrap of information about me available on the internet. O.o at first I was shocked. He knew about things I didn’t even remember posting about - and even today I have no idea where I put it that he would know about. It was… very skillfully done. My second reaction was unadulterated fear. If anyone knows that much about me, then there isn’t any way he’d still be interested in me- proving what a total and complete freak I am, that even (and especially) when I’m honest, I am undesirable. I’ve never been so exposed so early in getting to know someone before. You’d think this would turn into a nice story about how despite all that he’s still expressed interest but in truth- he hasn’t. Not sure if he found something he didn’t like, or maybe he found THIS blog (as private as I wish it were). But the end result is, I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I’m going to assume, as I’ve always feared, my personality scares people away. Lol

Well, for some twisted reason, I’m okay with that. Feeling okay with all that. I think.

Fussy Casey

I am really annoyed tonight. 

I'm thinking it's because I didn't eat soon enough and I'm blaming it on other things. 

I probably should have gone out. but I wanted to try a Sunday alone. It's kinda nice. Kinda not. I wish I had gotten a little more done and my date with myself ended up being kinda pointless when I tried to take my own hand. 

Anyway, I have something MUCH more profound to write about tomorrow but as for now, I'm just annoyed. 

Third time this week I have an open evening, I should really stop being disappointed! 

*rolls around*

Privacy on the Internet

You’ll laugh at me. But at one point in my life I thought the internet was a private place. Yes, you heard me. Private. A place for me to escape TO. When I was in highschool, we were all too busy to be online constantly. When I was in college, I was living in Idaho where tech is not anyone’s first form of communication. I mean, everyone is RIGHT THERE. No need to IM. And it was at that time that I opened up a deviant art account and a few years later a facebook page.

I think it all ended when I met face to face with my first internet friend Aino. Yes, you heard me right, aino and I met online. Technically speaking we’ve been friends for many years but it wasn’t until we decided to make a sailor moon movie (a project that was doomed from the get-go, little did I know) that we decided to finally meet. I was frustrated with the market and she had just broken up with her fiancé. The time to meet had come.

But it did change things. Suddenly, I couldn’t maintain an online persona that was free from life experiences. I couldn’t write about having a bad day anymore without receiving a worried phone call from my darling friend. Then, in the middle of our project we joined animaid café. And they became my facebook friends. And started watching my DA. And it starts to grow… suddenly I have no idea who can see what, what people know or don’t know about me, and pictures- BAD pictures are getting tagged of me left and right! I have no control over this anymore! So where should I go to save myself? Make a new private journal somewhere? I could write anon for YEARS and never get any feedback if I don’t make it semi-public. And then if I make it open and easy to find, I find myself exposing too many insecurities to people whose opinions matter most to me.

It didn’t occur to me my little sister would see my fb status and report back to my father I had fainted from lack of food. I can’t remember when I ever published secrets about myself (like the number of times I’d been kissed or how many relationships I’ve had FOR EXAMPLE) and somehow it was found.

I guess I can’t hide anything anymore. Is this a good or a bad thing? Doesn’t mean I still won’t try to find a happy medium. I miss my old community of online peeps only and the anonymity of feelings. I can be angry (for the mess in my house left over by guests) or sad (because of a pang of loneliness) or jubilant (when my heart skips a beat for the first time) without worrying if I always sound depressed or wither someone is going to want the details of my life. How will all this effect THAT person and my relationship with them? Will THAT person be upset I didn’t confide in them right away? Is it funny enough? I swear I’m a happy person. There’s just too much to think about.

You know the thing that worries me the most? This new person has all this information…but they don’t seem phased by it. Not at all.

Well, not yet.

Rubbish I'm not sleeping.

How do other people do it?

Someone left a DVD at my house. I say, you can come to get it anytime.
They say, ‘anytime you’re free.’ Already I’m suspicious.
I don’t care when.
‘OK then Tuesday when you’re not busy.’
I really don’t care. You can come get it when you want to and Tuesday’s 3 days away.
‘Do you like peach cobbler?’
What am I supposed to say to that? That’s like asking if I like engagement rings. The implication is obvious, the answer is unavoidable, and the conclusion is inevitable.
Sigh. yes I like peach cobbler.
‘GREAT then I’ll make it for you! I’ll see you Tuesday.’
Do you see the problem here? All I wanted was to let you come pick up the DVD. I’m dead tired and frustrated. I need a long hot shower, I need to buy food (I haven’t had dinner in like 3 days), and I was supposed to help with the diorama set up tonight. I have stuff to clean and I don’t feel like having someone over. But what do I say? Don’t come get your DVD? Thanks for the sweet offer but I don’t like cobbler THAT much? It’s a sweet gesture I can’t refuse.

I admit, this feel like more of the specific RUBBISH I’ve been trying to avoid. I hate refusing people and I really don’t like being at my best with people who are trying to do a good deed. And honestly, he’s not doing anything wrong, I am just so dead tired right now.

This hasn’t happened to me much before but I’ve been sleeping poorly the last few days. Just kinda tossing and turning with worry. I kinda fall asleep but not really. And I woke up just…unhappy today. Frustrated again about FHE and how no matter the planning or how many people I have on the committee, I’m always left alone with a half-baked idea. If it turns out mildly successful, it’s luck. Kenny and Victoria and Youngmee were so much better at this than I am. I feel literally retarded or too young for this position...

At the same time I’m feeling old and pathetic as this GRN job continues. My 25th birthday will not be a happy one I think. I’ve pretty much purged any love I might have received on it. I guess my father might send me flowers. If I ask him to at least. You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend on my birthday. Of course those kinds of stupid thoughts are pointless because you could make that statement about almost any event or occasion. And I don’t really know why it would matter on a person’s birthday. But Luna got engaged last week on her birthday.

I guess it’s about turning an ordinary event into an extraordinary one. And opportunity to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is just because you love them. “Ah! Their birthday is coming up! Now I can do something special for them without looking desperate. XD “ And on that note it would be great to feel like I’m progressing in life in some way despite my creaking into my 25th year.

Oh dear. I’m not depressed (as I could have said the last month or so). Just… bushed.

Dispite being thin...

(warning, picture heavy)

mmmm…

I have a lot on my mind. But I’d like to avoid all that for a second. I mean, I COULD write a convoluted message about how I’m feeling this way or that and I’m worried about you and me, and what should I do to rid myself of these feelings or something. But today I’m thinking straight forward. If I try to write about this stuff without giving anything away, I’ll likely fail. And I’ll end up saying things I really mean that I shouldn’t. Lol. Image control always. Besides, I know how I’m feeling and I don’t feel the need to see it in print just yet.

Lol. I don’t like pictures of myself. Someone once called Sarah Jessica Parker how I feel about myself- Hot body, weird face. Okay, well I don’t feel like I have a hot body but I can concede to some compliments, like I know I’m thin and have long legs. Can’t help that. But what I also can’t help is my weird face. How anyone considers kissing me I’ll never know. I guess that’s why they close their eyes when they come near. Lol

Sooo I saw some pictures of myself in a Sexy robin costume. I was so incredibly uncomfortable in that costume- but mostly because I was with a group of strangers, none of whom were offering much reassurance. And even after the pictures came out, It obvious I couldn’t be sexy for people who I don’t know. I can be sexy in private, but this was a fail because now when my friends take a look at them (and btw I’m not spreading them any farther than it has to go (with one exception)) they will think I can’t be sexy at all. In the end, I conclude I’m a poor model.

They are selling it
Blog post about it

Samples they didn't use that prove my point.

And btw I think that batgirl is gay...














I also got back pictures from the cosplay shoot of Akita Neru. There should be more to come from john, but Gilbert finished his fast and they are now on display. Observation 1- aino really is good at this. 2- maybe I really should look into fake eyelashes. O.o 3- my face is too long for most characters. 4- I could have committed to the expressions more but I was (ONCE AGAIN) nervous and screwed it up. 5-I really shouldn’t cosplay. I might have the body for it, but not the face to match any character like chiyo. I’ll always be Casey.

To me, they looked like a professional woman who wanted a day of play and dressed up in her employees (actors) clothes. Lol “Oh director, take off that wig it’s time to shoot the REAL players!” Meh. I won’t stop, I’m in too deep. But I’ll keep my expectations low and pick cosplays that match me more closely. Or ones that wears masks, you know, whatever.


Gilbert's album

I Vant to be alone?

Well. That sucked.

I just went with the wrong people. I was up and raring to go- to sing songs and try out everything but…the people I went with were hungry. Or tired. And didn’t really have much they wanted to do. Everyone around me after ax have pictures of all the fun they had. And I tried within my means to enjoy myself. But this year I just feel like I spent a LOT more money and had a significantly less enjoyable time than last year. Even if I did have better cosplay.

Day 3 I was really annoyed by it and left my group for a few hours so I could just wander around alone. My feet were killing me and I had no one to squee with- but that’s okay. The pain was a reminder of how fun it was, and I was a lone otaku for most of my life. I don’t need friends to squee with me- I’m good enough at it alone. And I think perhaps next year I’ll just plan on being alone.

Anyway, my time alone was arguably the best I had all weekend (minus some alone time spent with a certain young man who shall remain nameless). I normally anticipate after I get home from these cons to be really sick because I stayed up late, doing lots, running on little sleep, and waking up early. Yeah I didn’t really do any of these things. Late like 2am, but woke up at like 10. :/ that sucks. We didn’t do much but I still bought a 2 day pass.

And this is the first time EVER I am going to complain about not being paid for all this. I drove back and forth between the con at least 6 times, and paid all the parking fees each time. I didn’t ask for help and I should have. I save up for this one event so I can do stuff like this without worry, but after babysitting for 5 days (Wednesday to aprox. Sunday) I want a little help. >/ monetarily or otherwise. But I’ve NEVER complained about all that before and I doubt I’ll start doing it publicly now.

Another beef- 5 people stayed at my house Sunday night. A whole new set of people that stayed Thursday. So none of the people staying with me have any idea how long I have been hosting for. And I got a phone call Monday on my drive home (about 7pm) saying THEY STILL HADN’T LEFT YET. Did you know they actually wanted to do another family dinner in Little Tokyo?!?! OHMYGOSHGETOUTOFMYHOUSE. Someone reminded them that my roommate and I might like our house back now kthxbye but it goes back to my earlier blog here about me working for my life and them not. The difference between being an adult and still living at home. How nice and charming Hotel Venus is- for you. But I’m getting worn out again. Gonna have to close the doors. Or at least make a policy that you may not stay on Sunday. That’s Vchan time. It’s supposed to be a day of peace and privacy. That’s why I don’t like going to parties on Sunday night. Dinners or whatever. I stay up too late and feel like my nice quiet day has been wasted. But this is why I’ll never get a boyfriend or fit in with normal society. I just like my privacy and peace. I want to be with the people I want to be with- not a lot of strangers.

Grrr. All I wanted was to sit with a cute boy and watch my new movie. Instead I’m cleaning up after the ruckus and waiting for them to pick up their stuff.

I think a nice AX would have solved this. But I really feel like it was a fail.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. I really want a boyfriend…and I think others are starting to notice I need one. It’s a big topic of conversation it seems these days: getting Vchan a boyfriend. Sigh…

Just let me die alone so I won’t find out what a fail I am.