The Vainglorious Role of Omnipotent Observer

So, Leonard sent me another memoir including the time we spent together. Those events feel like decades ago and frankly they make me feel sick. There are a lot reasons I could go into but probably the main one is because I didn’t handle it well.  Although time and reason have convinced me that not all the problems were a result of my immaturities, it still makes me ill to remember that catastrophe.

Years ago, I read his perspective on what happened and it’s amazing to see all the holes and misinterpretations. It’s like that video with 3 people in red shirts and 3 people in white shirts passing a black and white ball. At the beginning of the video we’re asked to count the number of times the black ball is handed off and at the end we are asked if we saw the giant gorilla pass through the middle, beat his chest and walk off again. I’ll be honest, the first time I watched the film- I didn’t. I still can’t believe Leonard never heard me say that I wasn’t interested. In as plain English as anyone could state it and maybe the problem was it was TOO obvious. A gorilla? It’s amazing to me because his re-telling is so detailed it feels impossible to think he never heard what I was saying.

But the experience with Leonard and subsequent “dating” since then has taught me that people often only hear what they want to. I can be as blunt as a hammer and still never get my point across. I’ve also learned that once someone is in love with you, it’s almost impossible to expect that friendship is enough. I learned that shouting loving truths at a deaf person is useless and being kind is not always the best way to communicate. The reasoning escapes me but I just know it’s true. Best intentions are not enough to combat cognitive dissonance.

I still feel responsible for the disastrous way it ended but trying to go back and fix it now would be borderline self-abuse. Leonard is definitely far beyond any power I have to help and I’ll have to trust that God knows how best to succor His children. And I’ll have to ask for God’s forgiveness for what it’s worth.

Yeah, I’ve decided not to read what he sent me. Some things Leonard will never know about that time: how painful every single morning was waking up without Kai, or any of the other destructive things I was doing to cope, or how the dorkwad Jeremy appeared as the unlikely hero to confirm my phobias about men and simultaneously restore my faith in humanity, and most importantly HOW they did it.  You discover the world really is three dimensional when you actually live in it instead of acting a vainglorious role of omnipotent observer. I know because I was that way once. Detached arrogance is the bane of today’s single.

Depressing Snob

Which am I: stuck up or self-defeating? I’ve never been called stuck-up before but I don’t know anyone who would come right out and use that term since I was in Junior High. But it’s possible.

My nature is fighting me here at this job, I’d like to defend myself but really, what’s the point to do that when the accusation is based on silliness?

Here is the latest example: I set a meeting, I get an email from an attendee stating that my Boss sent out a cancelation and wanted to know if we needed to find another time for it.

It’s still on MY view of my boss’s calendar, but not hers. Considering the facts, obviously… my boss accidentally must have canceled it. I asked her, “Did you cancel this for a reason?” She has no idea what I’m talking about, denies she knew anything about it, I politely suggest that maybe it’s an Outlook glitch. “Casey,” she huffs, “we’ve got to communicate better- I can’t keep dealing with these Outlook things! UGG.” She’s blaming me as though I made this happen… I don’t say anything. Just agree, apologize, and sit down to re-send the event and cc her apologizing for the confusion.  

Personally, I’d like to put my hands on my hips and explain I only did what I was told. But past employment has taught me- nobody is paying to hear excuses.

Knowing that these kind of issues wouldn’t not be an issue to an assistant better than me is little comfort. The problem is here and now and I’m the one who gets to catch the hot potato. I’m waiting for a moment when I do something really well to drop the news that I’m going away to school and btw I’d like to keep this job until I leave. Seems unlikely. Maybe the news will make them want to ditch the idea of keeping me around as long as they can. Or Maybe it would reassure them that I’m not here for the long hall and proposing an end-date in August works out to secure my placement here. Who knows.

In the meantime, I still feel a twist in my stomach when stuff goes wrong. I keep thinking to myself something between modestly learning and feeling out of place and under-employed.

In general, life is just fine right now. It’s teetering a tad but not awful by any means. I’m just considering today- do I trust my thinking that I can do great things or am I really as bad as I feel?