Deep breath before AX

I'm feeling nervous before the plunge into AX. My nervous cough has returned...I hope hope hope it doesn't stay during the performance...

A lot to do. Feeling a little desperate for support so let's play a game. How long can I go before I latch on to someone nearby (who I'm uninterested in) or ask, "Do you miss me?" to someone far away.

...

.....

............This is going to be tough.

thinking...but not really

So I don’t have a full-on post for today. So here is a collection of thoughts that passed my head:


It’s so nice to hear from you. I really like that I get to read what’s going on in your life. Honestly, I feel so much more at peace.

This sweater is kinda ugly. I mean, it’s sugoi old but doesn’t look like it.
I am a little ticked off its so cloudy outside still at the end if June.

Is this about who I am? Or how I make you feel? I think there’s a difference.

Just as it ended I thought- I hate that song.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.

I have this thing- I know it’s wrong but, I just tend to see Asian men as better than me- thus, I’m not good enough. x.x lol. Like guys who say they could never get the cheerleader, I’ll never get that Chinese boy. Lol. BAD GIRL.

I don’t want to go home. One of my last nights of freedom. X.x I really should do crap to prepare for this con…

This week is AX

frik. It's cold in here.
and it's cloudy outside, but if the bonfire gets canceled I'm not makeing a new FHE plan. lol. I'm taking my car into the shop tonight because the Light came on and it scares me half to death anytime something goes wrong with my sweet car. But while I wait, I think I'll call someone and ask them out to dinner or something.

I hope I have enough friends to do that lol. ANyway, It's nice to not have to go to FHE. Not only am I not a fan, but I'm also not a fan of Bonfires. and Not a a fan of Bonfires when it's cold outside. (even though I conciously know that it's events like these that will help me get married I can't help it. My style of communicating is hindered by not being able to see people. I'm just no good and I hate going home at the end of the night feeling like a social failure. again.)

Yeah, I'm not a big out-doorsy girl.

holy I'm about to turn 25.

sooo AX is this week. I'm more nervous than excited. All my friends who I went with last year... well it seems like it won't work this year. Emi isn't coming at all, Aino and I have work day 1 and she won't be here day 3. Chris hasn't talked to me in over a month and something makes me think that won't change in the next week, and I'm not looking forward to anything on the AX schedual. I don't like Gohs as much as events- I'm not easily star-struck. So I'll end up following nice people, until the night. when they go off to party and drink and dance. eh, I'm not really very good at any of those things. :/ This can't be fun. and truth be told, I'm a little scared this year of goshujin-samas and weird photo-stalkers. My cosplays are a little more risque and more accurate. I don't want to be alone. But then, isn't that the theme of my life?

I'm nervous....

Defection Deflection

It happened again last night.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to see a doctor.

Yes, I’m nervous about becoming dependant but my mother was always too afraid to solve her issues. She was always a coward. I don’t want to be like her.

Sigh, I really hope this works…

I just hope people aren’t put off if they find out I’m defective. Lol- I just want to be strong for everyone else. But I guess as long as this keeps happening, I can’t be of use to them. I better make an appointment soon.

haha, am I insane? I know it not that big a deal. I guess 'defective' is strong word... but until it's solved thats the way I feel.

TrainMan!!!

D "We've been trading email on and off for the past few days...
What's it called? Is this what people call "love's pulse"? ( ´ー｀)"

Poster 1 "Sergeant... my own pulse is.... about to... stop........ "

Poster 2 "Hang in there!!
You've got a mother back home who's waiting for you!"

XD ROFL
I am so in love with densha otoko right now <3 <3 <3
O B S E S S E D.
I get that way from time to time. I'll find something I like and just geek all over it. My heart starts beating like crazy, my tummy drops, and I swoon all the way home picturing sweet Densha and the kind and beautiful Hermes who helped him! About the same time last year I found Densha Otoko (Train-man) the manga and loved it violently then too. It might be one of my favortie romance stories of all time. lol. But I don't know how my parents would feel if I brought home an Otaku husband. haha, We'll keep his transformers hidden when the inlaws come by.

I might come back to this blog post to add more of my favorite lines. Funny and sweet. all the cute faces and sincere posters. LOVE it.

and probably to geek out some more. You can only say you love Sailor Moon so many times before people GET it and don't need to hear about it anymore.

AH~ Densha! You're taking over my life and heart! ( ´ー｀)

[edit 1]I wonder if I should give the book to my little sister. O_o It might ruin her expectations of romance forever...

[edit 2]GAAAAH. Must....Stop....Reading....during....wooooork...

Hands off Hussy!

Ok.
You know, I’m picking up this bad habit here. I feel like I’m using this blog to talk to people and say things I wouldn’t normally to them. But that’s a waste. Because then even though I feel like I’ve said it, I really haven’t. So I get the weight off my chest without solving the problem in any way. I doubt I’ll stop this habit. I mean, I talk to myself all the time and I say, “HEY YOU.”

It would probably be better if I wasn’t terrified that someone important could read it. And then all my preciously guarded secrets would be lost. I have so many of them, sometimes it’s hard to keep track. It’s best to keep everything private I guess I guess.

But these days I’ve been frustrated with wanting to solve problems that I can’t. gotta keep my hands off of situations, not because it isn’t my business or that I can’t do anything. I probably could. But I think if I tried, it would only prolong other problems. That’s vague isn’t it? GRAH. Vchan has to learn patience and stop being so…needy.

On a slightly different note, it doesn’t seem fair I can’t be as kind as I want to everyone. David called me a flirt the other day and I thought I would die of embarrassment and shame. I’m not a flirt- or, I swear I don’t try. I just like people. ;-; I always have! I can’t help but think if I was fat or disfigured people wouldn’t accuse me of that. That’s an insult to fat and disfigured people too- what? They can’t be flirts if they want to? But when I was young and scrawny and didn’t look even CLOSE to my age (I was 63 lbs at age 14 and could fit comfortably in a quarter locker), I never had these problems. I know it’s best to throw up my hands and back away but that doesn’t seem right. I can’t take care of you when you’re sick because that’s only what girlfriends do? I can’t make you cookies or take you to dinner when you’re having a bad day because that seems like a come-on? I can’t hug people or cuddle with friends? People have even assumed Aino and I are lovers. Lol. Even if I did swing that way, I don’t think I’d pick Aino as my soulmate. XD Ah. I’m bad.

So what’s the solution? I guess what I’m doing now might work. I’m still loving, but in certain situations I have to make choices contrary to my nature. Especially with people who I know might like me, and times when I end up alone with someone, and…oh dear. I guess I should stop touching people. ;_; But that’s just meee! I don’t think about it! >o<; gah. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

[edit]This means I can't offer to see anyone. They have to come to me, or ask me to go to them. I'd LIKE to jump up and go but I shouldn't.[/edit]

Although this could possibly be a good answer for why I’m craving some physical attention these days. Oh sigh. *spins in her work chair.*

Sam and Ichi

waiting for the day you hate me~ because the all eventually do.

over compensating because I can't be there like a real girlfriend should. I wish wish wiiiiiish I could take care of all the needs. I see them but I have to keep my hands off.

and I finally plucked up the courage to finish that doodle. It's awful. But I can't keep holding it off. It's been too long and it's time anyway. I'm not in danger anymore I think. So it's safe. I think. That reaction was so dry it couldn't have been the real one. haha, maybe I'm thinking too much.

sigh. gotta buy orange fabric.

anyway. nice night. food, shower, room cleaned. and I watched startrek. I freaking love this movie.

also my roomie and I are bonding over some sins we've committed. lol- she's worse than me but That makes me feel better. a little inexperienced but still better.

I'm beginning to really like this blog.

Sending Pictures

I want to write about a sweet story- just in case I forget.

There was a guy I knew who said he loved me. He wanted to marry me. He had even talked to his grandparents about me. And his dreams were pretty straightforward too- that I leave everything behind and join him in a life of bliss. (Yes, he was mormon.)

Why he told me any of this, I’ll never know. I repeatedly told him I was not interested in any kind of relationship with him and that was out of his mind to be so attached to anyone that he knew so little about.

I was right btw- I was easily replaced when he discovered his fantasies with me would never be. The other girl will suit his needs tolerably. XX chromosome and all.

But there was a valentines day, he sent me flowers. I politely thanked him- in all honesty I was flattered and embarrassed beyond reason and felt the need to pay him back for the compliment.

So he sent me a text. All he asked in return was a picture of me to keep on his phone.

I’m glad I had one on my phone at that time because taking a new one was out of the question- I was so nervous, there was no way it would have turned out alright. So I didn’t think about it, and just hit send. >///<

Of course, he told me it was perfect and he showed it to all his friends and kept his phone with him at night when he slept or felt lonely. And I regretted sending it. Lol.

But I just wanted to record in blog history about this incredibly sweet gesture. It’s amazing that it happened to me of all people.

Just thinking about it.

Light in Heart

haha, I better go home before this feeling fades.

I'm remembering what you said to me and it's so sweet to my ears.

To hear that you loved me.

It makes me blush and smile and get all wiggly. Even if it was a while ago now and people and feelings change so fast.

and that's all I have to say about that.

Oh yes, ps. I can't help but think that IF I'm pretty in any way- it can't possibly last. or that, It'll never get better than this. So I had better not get used to the nice things people say.

pps. lol I depress myself when thinking too much. Where is that bag boy?

Grown-ups have bedtimes.

wOOOOOOOOOO-boy
I am disfiguringly tired. You know how I like to talk about how ‘if I had a [insert male relationship here] today I would’? Well if I had a [insert male relationship here] today I would totally ignore him and fall asleep face-first on my couch and let him do all the hard work while I get my brain back.

I know I could talk about the Vegas trip, but I’ve never really been into telling stories about trips right after they happen unless there’s something important to say. And there really isn’t anything I’d like to keep in my mind.

Of course I WILL waste your time to tell you about how I got to my current condition. It wasn’t that I didn’t get enough sleep during the super-weekend, on the contrary I thought I was doing well. But that stupid traffic out of LasVegas is infuriating. I made Aino drive for 4 hours. The trip was still about 7.5 in total. I hate Vegas. It’s like it won’t let me leave. Anyway the car isn’t banged up, which is a miracle considering all of Aino’s cursing and honking- yeah, I didn’t get much sleep. But rather than go right home I had to drop off aino…chat with her mom, drop of Luna…go in her house and chat, and rather than going right over to my last appointment and then getting a quiet dinner and sleep…sami wanted to stay the night. I did my best to gently suggest she go home no matter how sleepy she was. She couldn’t have been more tired than me considering all the driving I had done that day and all weekend. So I took her to my appointment and then she wanted to show me anime. It was good stuff but it lasted way too late. (2am)

All I wanted to do was sleep in the quiet of my own home alone with what was left of my weekend. But that’s the price you pay as an adult hanging out with younger people. Or maybe just more spontaneous people. I work. They don’t. I have my own house to care for, a lot of bills, and limited time. They just don’t. And they don’t think about it. I want to be good and offer my home to them and have fun and whatnot. But in the end, I still have to get UP and face the day wither I like it or not. I don’t get to call in sick or trade work schedules. I have to be there, I have to pay that bill, I have to figure things out on my own and make it happen. I don’t have parents here, I don’t have school to waste time on, or food being prepared for me.

That is a slight difference between my non-LDS and LDS friends. My church friends are much closer to my age and temperament. Their mentality is more like mine- we don’t WANT to stay out until midnight talking. We want to go home. Lol. How old-man of me. It sounds like I’m turning into a grandparent but there it is.

I’m tired of promising my ENTIRE weekend to animaid every time there is an event. I never get the morning or evening off. And often not even the evening before or the morning after. It’s always driving and going for food and making sure everyone is taken care of. For once, I’d like to do a shoot, or go to a meeting, or have an event and then go home alone at the end of it. Or have someone drop me off for once. I have a new profound love of getting dropped off now.

Like on dates. Just drop me off, kiss me goodnight, and let me muse with my time. Not fiddle with my GPS and then drop off a blouse before I can go to bed.

And people wonder why I’m so independent and lonely. Lol

So a friend sent me a Female survey I’m supposed to fill out and do. and one of the questions is, ‘what is one thing a guy can do to attract you?’ Directly speaking, drop me off and pick me up. But on a deeper level, do you know what I’d like? A man, being a man: Being the stupid, rational, shy, brave, devoted, drama-less, take-charge, hardworking, smart, and the grown-up person he can be. Things go wrong, he is not a baby about it- no stress or feminine fretting. He might not be the smoothest guy on the block, and can be pretty stupid about romantic things and picking up hints, but he knows what he knows.

Dr. Laura says, when she is with a man she will not open her own door just to give the guy an opportunity to be a man. She has the ability to open the door, she might even be able to do it better that the guy she’s with. But men should be men. If he wants to be a MAN for me, he’ll show up, pick me up, carry me away- without much prompt from me other than a green light.

Hahahahahaahahahahahahaha. Remember when I said how sleepy I am? I’m sure this is all dribble and I must be making no sense. Well, I want a man. not a boy anyway. That’s the connection between the two subjects. These anime boys and girls don’t know what it means to be men and women. Give me a late 20-something who licks his own stamps to send off to the DWP. Oh baby. Hot.

Ps. I like it when you write on the internet. Not only do I get to find out how you are, but I also get to keep a record of what you said for a while. I love letters. Love Letters! So keep writing to me about everything.

Pps. I guess I could have posted this on my normal journal but I complain about aino and I don’t want her to be mad at me. On that note- I reiterate what I said a few posts back, if you want to keep reading un inhibited, don’t let me know you’re here.

moody end o-work day

Haha, I hope it's not too crass to say- I think I'm PMSing today.

I just started to cry. lol Given, I was watch my favorite commericial about the watch and the life inssurance and son. I wept for a long time after that ad the first time I watched it.

but not It's 7 at night and I'm moody listening to chopins Raindrop while trying to squeeze any semblance of work out of today. distracted and sad.

I haven't talked to you in what seems like forever. But is that just my moodiness blowing up wishing someone could stay with me tonight? I should really get a hold of myself. This girly needy-love thing doesn't suit a strong girl like me. Gotta hold it in.

although I think- I THINK, it would just be nice to know how you are. If you could let me know- you don't even need to talk to me. Just let me know you're happy and I'll be happy too.

I'm dizzy...
I wish cake and flowers solved everything.

Your Mrs. Communication

this animaid cafe drama is so stupid. I'm going to raise a storm of anger if this breaks us up. >/

I feel like if I knew all the info it could easily be solved. Nieve me believes that if they just TALK then all can be solved. Disagreements are one thing but this isn't even that. it's just miscommunication. Now, THAT is probably my biggest pet peeve. I hate it when people can't talk to each other. when they don't understand each other when the truth is sitting right before them. It's the #1 killer of Marrages you know.

So talk to them. Don't complain to me and say you'll give up. Tell them how you feel and It will work out. If you don't know how you feel, then say you don't know how you feel.

I'm bad I know. Not because I misscommunicate. No. I usually communicate exactly what I want to say- weither it's exactly how I feel or not is another matter. (Remember that control issue I was talking about? it comes into play here but it's not the point.)

If I had a husband today, I'd make him dinner and talk to him about his day. I'd sit with him on my couch and hold his hand. I'd let my face rest against his neck so he can't see I'm not really watching the movie but instead I'm feeling the heat from his skin and the rub on his thumb on my back. and he'd probably tell me that he loved me and I look so cute when I try to cook and fail. At which point I'll smack him and get up to grab a bag of Mother's cookies to wash down the weird aftertaste. It's all we can afford right now but that's OK, he loves me anyway.

ha. yeaaaaaaah.....

where AM I?

One little blip and you'll know everything.

I need new work because I think I just signed a contract for my current appartment for a year.

which is SUPER exciting!!!!

You mean *I* stay in one place for more than a year?!?! YAHOOOOOO!! No more moving for me.

in other news. how do I put this? been looking through your pictures. YOU happen to look cuter everytime I see you. I used to think you were plain, but now I know what it means to grow on you. as the same picture I've seen a million times becomes more and more attractive. <3 lol really. It's getting hard to resist wanting to kiss. XD is that bad? oh. private blog. right.

YOU however, I am getting sick of seeing. I saw a photo of you and I just felt sick. O.o That's bad right? just old disgruntaled feelings.

I hope both feelings go away soon.

Replaced.

I feel sick suddenly.

I need to get out of here.

Howard is bringing in a girl with a masters. She's about my age. I'm going to teach her what I do... and the she is going to do a better job at it.

I'm being replaced. And for some reason Howard can't see why this would bother me or make me uncomfortable.

I'd rather quit than be fired. but my real issue is that I just was to stay employeed until after AX. this could not have come at a worse time. being compared to someone in my own office. I can't look for another job right now! I can't afford it!

Oh, I want to throw up... What am I going to do?

Even if I stopped blogging right down and put my nose to the grindstone I don't think I'd come up with anything better. God help me. Four half days of nothing is the same as two full days of failure.

I fail fail fail fail.

I need to get out of here...

in short

feeling good.

and much less... uh, physically needy these days.

I want to do more animaid.

Finally cute pictures the way I imagine them. Can I take no more?