So yes, I went on another date tonight. Someone I met very briefly at AX this summer who got my facebook address. We've never corresponded since but randomly this week he asked if I was free for dinner. So I said Yes. It's not that hard to get dates when you actually say yes. What most girls complain about isn't not getting asked out, it's not getting asked out by guys they LIKE. Which is dumb if you think about it. You want to be single and date a lot of guys you like but not establish any relationship with them? Wouldn't that just say bad things about you?
Anyway, not the point. What I think I learned tonight may seem obvious to others but it just occurred to me. This guy is CLEARLY not the one for me. He's a current goth club hopper, former cross dresser, with long tattoos and most of his facebook photos are of him with heavy white makeup screaming into a microphone. I'm not saying any of that is bad at all but why the heck would he get all flustered and twitter-pated about ME for goodness sake? Mormon white straight-laced girl with a style that came right out of the 1930s and 40s. I'm not wild or brave or anything like that. I don't or clubbing or get wicked drunk or curse. I don't even like the taste of fish. So why does he imagine this would work?
I don't have the details of the theory down but I think people don't fall in love with all the check lists of what would make a good relationship. Instead, guys like girls who are encouraging and sweet: Someone you feel comfortable with who brings out the best in him.
I'll never be a surfer girl or a raver or a super sports fan. In the end, some of those lifestyle choices make a difference in a successful long term relationship. But when people decide to put their heart into someone, it's much much much less based upon what you think you look like or what you do as it is the way you treat people. The way you make people feel.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
Same old thing/Headrest
All day I spent wishing to go home. Now that everyone is gone I don't want
to go anymore.
Today feels just like yesterday and the weekend means nothing to me.
I'm supposed to speak in church on Sunday but I feel really not worthy to do it. Prepare a talk... I haven't done that in so long. I ate an apple today but skipped my meds but still I feel the same as yesterday. Maybe a little less patient.
So someone asked to take me out tomorrow as a new year’s resolution to go on more dates. I feel like it's a waste of my time but if I don't have any plans on Saturdays I end up staying in bed until 3pm. So it's a good motivator. I should go to the hospital and get the labs taken like my doctor told me to but I can't figure out where to go so I'm too scared to try by myself. Who knows what I'll do with the free time this weekend. I already finished the DFs for next week. Probably nothing.
Just blah. I know a social life will come back to me soon and I'll probably perk up just fine. I know I'll probably be just fine. I'm smart enough to know that whatever feelings you have won't last forever. But can I say one thing I would love? I don't want to drive home by myself again tonight. It's such a long and boring drive. The same music on the FM, the same complaints about the fiscal cliff on the AM. Nothing changes.
It's my fantasy that I'll be here at work and someone offers to come pick me up. I'll wait all night for that just so I don't have to drive home without any prospect of something new. Anything new. Where is my adventure?
Like I said, a social life will come to me soon. So I really shouldn't go the path of reaching out to those friends of mine who are solo relations. By that I mean people I know who don't know any of my OTHER friends. It's just the two of us existing in our own world with our own rules. Not in all, but in most cases those are the ones that get me into the most trouble. Because then when we're together it's like the rules of the world don't apply.
Admittedly, not all my 'solo' relationships are that way. John for example, although I rarely see our mutal relations, when I'm with him I don't get into trouble. He always takes care of me. I don't really know why. But he's kind and always let's me rest my head on his shoulder when I'm tired or worried or stressed. Most of the time that's all I need. Someone to support my head.
I just don't have a headrest tonight.
Today feels just like yesterday and the weekend means nothing to me.
I'm supposed to speak in church on Sunday but I feel really not worthy to do it. Prepare a talk... I haven't done that in so long. I ate an apple today but skipped my meds but still I feel the same as yesterday. Maybe a little less patient.
So someone asked to take me out tomorrow as a new year’s resolution to go on more dates. I feel like it's a waste of my time but if I don't have any plans on Saturdays I end up staying in bed until 3pm. So it's a good motivator. I should go to the hospital and get the labs taken like my doctor told me to but I can't figure out where to go so I'm too scared to try by myself. Who knows what I'll do with the free time this weekend. I already finished the DFs for next week. Probably nothing.
Just blah. I know a social life will come back to me soon and I'll probably perk up just fine. I know I'll probably be just fine. I'm smart enough to know that whatever feelings you have won't last forever. But can I say one thing I would love? I don't want to drive home by myself again tonight. It's such a long and boring drive. The same music on the FM, the same complaints about the fiscal cliff on the AM. Nothing changes.
It's my fantasy that I'll be here at work and someone offers to come pick me up. I'll wait all night for that just so I don't have to drive home without any prospect of something new. Anything new. Where is my adventure?
Like I said, a social life will come to me soon. So I really shouldn't go the path of reaching out to those friends of mine who are solo relations. By that I mean people I know who don't know any of my OTHER friends. It's just the two of us existing in our own world with our own rules. Not in all, but in most cases those are the ones that get me into the most trouble. Because then when we're together it's like the rules of the world don't apply.
Admittedly, not all my 'solo' relationships are that way. John for example, although I rarely see our mutal relations, when I'm with him I don't get into trouble. He always takes care of me. I don't really know why. But he's kind and always let's me rest my head on his shoulder when I'm tired or worried or stressed. Most of the time that's all I need. Someone to support my head.
I just don't have a headrest tonight.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Under happy
i am really so tired. Not sleepy, just under happy. Or something. Because I'm not in a mode where thoughts come with fluidity, I hope you'll forgive the stagnant sentences I don't have the energy to string into cohesive story.
I can't get the motivation to clean again. My Dad said I should keep my journal because I'm going to forget. He's right. I don't even remember most of what happened to me in college- and tjat was only 5 years ago.
I spent too much at christmas. Literally. I'm a tad over drawn. Which is the worst feeling in the world. The truth is, it was three things, I jumped the gun on having my car paid off (January is the last one) and I replaced the money I'll be saving on financing a new computer because my old one was on it's last legs. Second, I spent WAY too much of christmas gifts. That's not normal for me but this year I desperately wanted to give everyone a good gift. And I felt better about my finances than I have in so so so many years. Well I blew that. But lastly, when I checked my account last I didn't realize my roommate hadn't deposited my rent/utilities check until the 24th... so that sucks. Financial difficultly always takes the wind out of my lungs. It's embarrassing and disheartening and brings me back feelings I had as a child when I said I didn't want any kids at all. I can't even believe I'm writing this in a public place. I'm going to regret it I know.
Christmas this year was... tough. For everyone. The main things that made it so were unavoidable really. My parents have sold the house and for inspections they've had to keep it clean. That means none of the major decorations or traditional movies are games were taken out. My mommy was depressed about that. My little sister had surgery on a tongue defect she had since birth which has caused her to have a slight lisp all her life. The numbness of her mouth and the stitches made her tired and more than a little somber too. My younger brother didn't make it home at all. My sister in law is such a poor hostess that any traditional christmas we might have had at her home was a "material gathering opportunity". It rained and rained everyday I was there and I started my lovely time of the month. And then I had to fly home in the middle of christmas day. Which broke my heart. I had a very awkward dinner with the Bishop and his family and then went to see Le Miserable in theaters which was very good on a standard scale but really only a 7/10 to me. But I decided to keep my mouth shut about my feelings that way.
I came home and I still don't want to unpack. My parents have been asking me to get off their family phone plan for a number of years now and so I have, but it caused a lot more problems than I hoped. I got an iphone because over thanksgiving I left my ipod touch on the plane and I deeply wanted to have that familiarity back. But with the transfer to my new phone, only half of my contacts followed and none of my pictures or video or any of the precious texts I've been saving. It doesn't sync with my car's speakers so I no longer have handsfree. It took me half a day to locate and reestablish my appleID so I could piece back together some of the smidgens of things I had on my ipod. But most of it I'm going to have to start over.
It was the first christmas that it hit me and I became physically afraid of not being able to provide my parents with a grandchild by christmas 2014. My older brother has somewhat screwed the pooch as far as that opportunity goes. My parents are working so hard to provide the perfect Grandparent home... and what is a holiday if you don't have children to share it with? My two youngest cousins (daughters of my divorced Aunt Dawn) are going to be living with them in Utah but they'll quickly be too old for these kind of celebrations.
Just before I came to LA one of the members of my Mommy's family did something so heinous to be sentenced to prison for some many many years. This caused a huge rift and upheaval of everyone's lives and bitter and angry fights split the whole huge family. Where we once used to gather for every holiday with all the step-cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and babies... is left a void. Every holiday season especially it pains my poor mother and I can see it in her eyes. I want to be able to provide that big family for her again. Give someone to sew for again. To build that large lovely family she longs for again. So I started to fear that the task falling to me, I will not be able to do. I'll fail.
And here I am at home. Feeling misunderstood and lost. Luckily, I went shopping for food before I found about about my account but the stab at my stomach that remembering that brings doesn't make me hungry.
Something else my Dad said to me while I was at home, the more I want something, the more I consider it impossible. He's right. But then, it was never likely I'd get to see Japan anyway no matter how I felt about it. No matter how badly I WANT it, there is not fairy godmother. ANd I'll always be stuck with me. My friend Bernard is going to travel soon. To Spain then Russia and Tokyo. But I'll be here in L.A. I'm happy for him but I guess I'm just different. I'm just not made for that.
I can't get the motivation to clean again. My Dad said I should keep my journal because I'm going to forget. He's right. I don't even remember most of what happened to me in college- and tjat was only 5 years ago.
I spent too much at christmas. Literally. I'm a tad over drawn. Which is the worst feeling in the world. The truth is, it was three things, I jumped the gun on having my car paid off (January is the last one) and I replaced the money I'll be saving on financing a new computer because my old one was on it's last legs. Second, I spent WAY too much of christmas gifts. That's not normal for me but this year I desperately wanted to give everyone a good gift. And I felt better about my finances than I have in so so so many years. Well I blew that. But lastly, when I checked my account last I didn't realize my roommate hadn't deposited my rent/utilities check until the 24th... so that sucks. Financial difficultly always takes the wind out of my lungs. It's embarrassing and disheartening and brings me back feelings I had as a child when I said I didn't want any kids at all. I can't even believe I'm writing this in a public place. I'm going to regret it I know.
Christmas this year was... tough. For everyone. The main things that made it so were unavoidable really. My parents have sold the house and for inspections they've had to keep it clean. That means none of the major decorations or traditional movies are games were taken out. My mommy was depressed about that. My little sister had surgery on a tongue defect she had since birth which has caused her to have a slight lisp all her life. The numbness of her mouth and the stitches made her tired and more than a little somber too. My younger brother didn't make it home at all. My sister in law is such a poor hostess that any traditional christmas we might have had at her home was a "material gathering opportunity". It rained and rained everyday I was there and I started my lovely time of the month. And then I had to fly home in the middle of christmas day. Which broke my heart. I had a very awkward dinner with the Bishop and his family and then went to see Le Miserable in theaters which was very good on a standard scale but really only a 7/10 to me. But I decided to keep my mouth shut about my feelings that way.
I came home and I still don't want to unpack. My parents have been asking me to get off their family phone plan for a number of years now and so I have, but it caused a lot more problems than I hoped. I got an iphone because over thanksgiving I left my ipod touch on the plane and I deeply wanted to have that familiarity back. But with the transfer to my new phone, only half of my contacts followed and none of my pictures or video or any of the precious texts I've been saving. It doesn't sync with my car's speakers so I no longer have handsfree. It took me half a day to locate and reestablish my appleID so I could piece back together some of the smidgens of things I had on my ipod. But most of it I'm going to have to start over.
It was the first christmas that it hit me and I became physically afraid of not being able to provide my parents with a grandchild by christmas 2014. My older brother has somewhat screwed the pooch as far as that opportunity goes. My parents are working so hard to provide the perfect Grandparent home... and what is a holiday if you don't have children to share it with? My two youngest cousins (daughters of my divorced Aunt Dawn) are going to be living with them in Utah but they'll quickly be too old for these kind of celebrations.
Just before I came to LA one of the members of my Mommy's family did something so heinous to be sentenced to prison for some many many years. This caused a huge rift and upheaval of everyone's lives and bitter and angry fights split the whole huge family. Where we once used to gather for every holiday with all the step-cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and babies... is left a void. Every holiday season especially it pains my poor mother and I can see it in her eyes. I want to be able to provide that big family for her again. Give someone to sew for again. To build that large lovely family she longs for again. So I started to fear that the task falling to me, I will not be able to do. I'll fail.
And here I am at home. Feeling misunderstood and lost. Luckily, I went shopping for food before I found about about my account but the stab at my stomach that remembering that brings doesn't make me hungry.
Something else my Dad said to me while I was at home, the more I want something, the more I consider it impossible. He's right. But then, it was never likely I'd get to see Japan anyway no matter how I felt about it. No matter how badly I WANT it, there is not fairy godmother. ANd I'll always be stuck with me. My friend Bernard is going to travel soon. To Spain then Russia and Tokyo. But I'll be here in L.A. I'm happy for him but I guess I'm just different. I'm just not made for that.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
30 degrees
My eyes are sore from crying. I hope that was the lowest point of the tornando-like depression that has set on me this week. That one blog I read was right, it's not about finding happiness, it's about being one feeling higher than you were before. I went from devastatingly embarrassed to miserable guilt to utter self loathing up to... uh... well. At least someone doesn't hold it against me. I don't feel worthless... I still don't feel valuable still and I'm still tormented by my own selfish cycle of pride but I don't feel worthless anymore.
It's like going on a picnic when it gets up to 30 degrees. You'll take what you can get.
It's like going on a picnic when it gets up to 30 degrees. You'll take what you can get.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Count for me?
It was one of those BAD evenings where I cancel my plans so I can get somethings done and end up doing nothing. Not even the basics of eating and dressing. It occurs to me I do less when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just stop doing everything instead of juggling what I can. And since I lost my precious ipod (I'm still very very depressed about that) I've had to put all my plans for the month back into a calendar... which made me realize how little time I have. Christmas parties, Vel's graduation, buying gifts for the family, sending boxes to England, and unfortunately .. dates. But not always with the right people and often, not enough to make everyone happy. Finally Jubei asked me out (after 4 years it's about time) and Alex set a day he wants to take me to take me out. I haven't seen T***** in weeks even though I'm pretty sure we were going somewhere with that. But he's busy or I'm busy... it doesn't seem to bother him. But M***** came over randomly on Sunday basically to ask me to take him back. But the answer is still a fervent 'no'. I'm not anyone's fallback plan.
But I have this weird cold thing that only is effecting my voice and my energy. I'm going to see my doctor this Thursday to see how I'm progressing with the medicine... and to weigh me. I don't think I'm doing any better than 3 months ago. Worrying about that makes me (get this) not hungry. Just as when I'm busy suddenly I do nothing. Just nerves. fear taking over again.
Someone count to three for me. It's the only way I can medicine I don't like. Monday I asked Jeremy do it . He counted 1, 2, 3 and I took the yucky medicine.
I need someone to count to 3 for my life. Ready to get out of bed Casey?
One
Two...
THREE!
But I have this weird cold thing that only is effecting my voice and my energy. I'm going to see my doctor this Thursday to see how I'm progressing with the medicine... and to weigh me. I don't think I'm doing any better than 3 months ago. Worrying about that makes me (get this) not hungry. Just as when I'm busy suddenly I do nothing. Just nerves. fear taking over again.
Someone count to three for me. It's the only way I can medicine I don't like. Monday I asked Jeremy do it . He counted 1, 2, 3 and I took the yucky medicine.
I need someone to count to 3 for my life. Ready to get out of bed Casey?
One
Two...
THREE!
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