Under happy

i am really so tired. Not sleepy, just under happy. Or something. Because I'm not in a mode where thoughts come with fluidity, I hope you'll forgive the stagnant sentences I don't have the energy to string into cohesive story.
I can't get the motivation to clean again. My Dad said I should keep my journal because I'm going to forget. He's right. I don't even remember most of what happened to me in college- and tjat was only 5 years ago.

I spent too much at christmas. Literally. I'm a tad over drawn. Which is the worst feeling in the world. The truth is, it was three things, I jumped the gun on having my car paid off (January is the last one) and I replaced the money I'll be saving on financing a new computer because my old one was on it's last legs. Second, I spent WAY too much of christmas gifts. That's not normal for me but this year I desperately wanted to give everyone a good gift. And I felt better about my finances than I have in so so so many years. Well I blew that. But lastly, when I checked my account last I didn't realize my roommate hadn't deposited my rent/utilities check until the 24th... so that sucks. Financial difficultly always takes the wind out of my lungs. It's embarrassing and disheartening and brings me back feelings I had as a child when I said I didn't want any kids at all. I can't even believe I'm writing this in a public place. I'm going to regret it I know.

Christmas this year was... tough. For everyone. The main things that made it so were unavoidable really. My parents have sold the house and for inspections they've had to keep it clean. That means none of the major decorations or traditional movies are games were taken out. My mommy was depressed about that. My little sister had surgery on a tongue defect she had since birth which has caused her to have a slight lisp all her life. The numbness of her mouth and the stitches made her tired and more than a little somber too. My younger brother didn't make it home at all. My sister in law is such a poor hostess that any traditional christmas we might have had at her home was a "material gathering opportunity". It rained and rained everyday I was there and I started my lovely time of the month. And then I had to fly home in the middle of christmas day. Which broke my heart. I had a very awkward dinner with the Bishop and his family and then went to see Le Miserable in theaters which was very good on a standard scale but really only a 7/10 to me. But I decided to keep my mouth shut about my feelings that way.

I came home and I still don't want to unpack. My parents have been asking me to get off their family phone plan for a number of years now and so I have, but it caused a lot more problems than I hoped. I got an iphone because over thanksgiving I left my ipod touch on the plane and I deeply wanted to have that familiarity back. But with the transfer to my new phone, only half of my contacts followed and none of my pictures or video or any of the precious texts I've been saving. It doesn't sync with my car's speakers so I no longer have handsfree. It took me half a day to locate and reestablish my appleID so I could piece back together some of the smidgens of things I had on my ipod. But most of it I'm going to have to start over.

It was the first christmas that it hit me and I became physically afraid of not being able to provide my parents with a grandchild by christmas 2014. My older brother has somewhat screwed the pooch as far as that opportunity goes. My parents are working so hard to provide the perfect Grandparent home... and what is a holiday if you don't have children to share it with? My two youngest cousins (daughters of my divorced Aunt Dawn) are going to be living with them in Utah but they'll quickly be too old for these kind of celebrations.

Just before I came to LA one of the members of my Mommy's family did something so heinous to be sentenced to prison for some many many years. This caused a huge rift and upheaval of everyone's lives and bitter and angry fights split the whole huge family. Where we once used to gather for every holiday with all the step-cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and babies... is left a void. Every holiday season especially it pains my poor mother and I can see it in her eyes. I want to be able to provide that big family for her again. Give someone to sew for again. To build that large lovely family she longs for again. So I started to fear that the task falling to me, I will not be able to do. I'll fail.

And here I am at home. Feeling misunderstood and lost. Luckily, I went shopping for food before I found about about my account but the stab at my stomach that remembering that brings doesn't make me hungry.

Something else my Dad said to me while I was at home, the more I want something, the more I consider it impossible. He's right. But then, it was never likely I'd get to see Japan anyway no matter how I felt about it. No matter how badly I WANT it, there is not fairy godmother. ANd I'll always be stuck with me. My friend Bernard is going to travel soon. To Spain then Russia and Tokyo. But I'll be here in L.A.  I'm happy for him but I guess I'm just different. I'm just not made for that.