ohno
she's not going to come. She's going to leave me to do this alone. I don't want to do this by myself. I worked so hard and lost so much time so we could do this together.
Please don't make me do this by myself Aino chan.
stupid girl I am for trying again. dumb girl.
so if she doesn't come, should I cancel? or try? if I cancel, everyone will know we're unreliable. and if I do it alone... not only will I look stupid but i really need to eat. i want dinner so badly and with her help i could have relaxed. but if not, then I have to do all this alone. I spent all day getting this ready and she let me down.
This must be my fault. I should just quit trying things I can't do by myself.
You know, I was kinda playing at washing my car the other day. I took a bucket of water and soap with rags and things out into the street. I was embarrased for a while doing it in mid-day but soon it was just fun. Until a person who had been appraently watching me from his window came out and gently told me I was being stupid, and offered his hose and materials. I was so embarrassed. I politely told him I had time to waste anyway and laughed it off. but for some reason I was hurt. I probably needed help and any normal person would have used this person's offer to their advantage. But my pride was hurt so I sat on the curb trying to look relaxed for a while.
But look what happens when I try to ask for help. No one comes. I can't believe she's not coming. I'd rather cry than change into my uniform. I don't want to do this alone.
[edit] it's over now and I was able to pull off something awkward but in between. Plus I got to watch a little sailor moon. I feel like a huge chunk of my day was wasted and my body feels like a boney doll with not enough stuffing. My dad would be proud though, I got the mic out of the box. I think the best word for it is feeling beat.
I'm beat. just let me re spawn someplace else. It's like I'm playing the video game "life" but I got the controller with the sticky joystick. oi
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dig those CRAZY TUNES
Oi. I have a headache.
Let's see how this goes. I don't want to privatize this blog but certain events make it tempting. Very tempting.
I'm so particular about my privacy. Today I went to Ralph's to do some shopping and I did something I haven't done since I wandered the streets of Lawndale on Ventura: I listened to my ipod. I have a bad habit that once I own most songs, I get bored of them. I adore happening upon the ones I love most rather than having them all there at my bec and call.
But tonight I dipped my toes back into that dusty pool of music and had fun. I can't help it, when the music is so loud in my ears, I really feel like the world is gone. even though I can see it around me, I don't care about people seeing me practice "Ookina Ai" or hearing me sing in front of the cottage cheese. They're strangers and I'll never see them again. And when I'm so happy, I just don't care as much as a normal person should.
But I thought as I walked closer to home with the bags on my arms, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my playlist with anyone. In fact, in all the times of my life that I've been forced to, I get very embarrassed. I'l apologize for the random Anime-pop song or the animaniacs tunes. I'll blush when the next song is really the chapter to an audiobook. I don't really collect popular music. and when people suddenly want to hear my playlist, it isn't often that they want to hear the classical songs. So I struggled for a while. Then at some point I made a playlist of all the 'normal' songs that I could present to people. But the moment i made it, suddenly no one asked to hear what was on my playlist.
Now, consciously I say to myself that I understand my tastes are a strange blend no one can be expected to follow it. I think to myself that I don't need a significant other to really love Sailor V manga the way that I do. Or carrots, Or peach soda, or public transit. People could support me, but I have low expectations that someone might be willing to join me in all these things. Is that bad? Should I wait until I find someone who I feel I can share these things with openly without fear or do wait until someone forcibly pries it out of me like my playlists? Or was I right all along and it was fine to expect that no person could be expected to understand and appreciate some of these things.
But as I think about it I think about the stuff I like. I love hats and gloves and scarves. I love big hoop earrings and mint fudge but white hot chocolate. i like my hotdogs plain and my foreign films in their original language. I think asian women are the most beautiful creatures on earth but I don't care for lady bugs or strawberries. I'm a child when I play with bubbles in the sink but I'm dead serious when in a rehearsal. My new white shoes look like bunny feet on me and while I can't stand the idea of wasting 60 cents on junk food for myself, I won't blink when it comes to paying 60$ for my friend's dinner because their happiness is what I save up for. Goodness but this list makes me think too much about myself. In the name of attempting to be self-aware I suppose it's alright. Although I like myself fine, I doubt that others will.
Now that I think about it, my bio-mother told me that once when I first moved to L.A.; before I could find someone who'll love me, I'd have to put 'all that stuff' (she was referring to anime) behind me. Well that's once source not to trust. But she is a voice of the world.
Short hair, super skinny girl. Never quite the round peg in a round hole.
ps. I have GOT to get control of my libido. >_< DAMN DIRTY GIRL.
Let's see how this goes. I don't want to privatize this blog but certain events make it tempting. Very tempting.
I'm so particular about my privacy. Today I went to Ralph's to do some shopping and I did something I haven't done since I wandered the streets of Lawndale on Ventura: I listened to my ipod. I have a bad habit that once I own most songs, I get bored of them. I adore happening upon the ones I love most rather than having them all there at my bec and call.
But tonight I dipped my toes back into that dusty pool of music and had fun. I can't help it, when the music is so loud in my ears, I really feel like the world is gone. even though I can see it around me, I don't care about people seeing me practice "Ookina Ai" or hearing me sing in front of the cottage cheese. They're strangers and I'll never see them again. And when I'm so happy, I just don't care as much as a normal person should.
But I thought as I walked closer to home with the bags on my arms, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my playlist with anyone. In fact, in all the times of my life that I've been forced to, I get very embarrassed. I'l apologize for the random Anime-pop song or the animaniacs tunes. I'll blush when the next song is really the chapter to an audiobook. I don't really collect popular music. and when people suddenly want to hear my playlist, it isn't often that they want to hear the classical songs. So I struggled for a while. Then at some point I made a playlist of all the 'normal' songs that I could present to people. But the moment i made it, suddenly no one asked to hear what was on my playlist.
Now, consciously I say to myself that I understand my tastes are a strange blend no one can be expected to follow it. I think to myself that I don't need a significant other to really love Sailor V manga the way that I do. Or carrots, Or peach soda, or public transit. People could support me, but I have low expectations that someone might be willing to join me in all these things. Is that bad? Should I wait until I find someone who I feel I can share these things with openly without fear or do wait until someone forcibly pries it out of me like my playlists? Or was I right all along and it was fine to expect that no person could be expected to understand and appreciate some of these things.
But as I think about it I think about the stuff I like. I love hats and gloves and scarves. I love big hoop earrings and mint fudge but white hot chocolate. i like my hotdogs plain and my foreign films in their original language. I think asian women are the most beautiful creatures on earth but I don't care for lady bugs or strawberries. I'm a child when I play with bubbles in the sink but I'm dead serious when in a rehearsal. My new white shoes look like bunny feet on me and while I can't stand the idea of wasting 60 cents on junk food for myself, I won't blink when it comes to paying 60$ for my friend's dinner because their happiness is what I save up for. Goodness but this list makes me think too much about myself. In the name of attempting to be self-aware I suppose it's alright. Although I like myself fine, I doubt that others will.
Now that I think about it, my bio-mother told me that once when I first moved to L.A.; before I could find someone who'll love me, I'd have to put 'all that stuff' (she was referring to anime) behind me. Well that's once source not to trust. But she is a voice of the world.
Short hair, super skinny girl. Never quite the round peg in a round hole.
ps. I have GOT to get control of my libido. >_< DAMN DIRTY GIRL.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
5 new interviews doesn't excuse bad old habits
let's see how much energy I have left.
my dad calls me "wonder woman". I don't think he meant it sincerely, but it was probably an inopportune moment to ask for anything more clever or sincere.
5 interviews today. the first three were on the phone starting at 8:30, 10:00, and then 11:00. At noon I dressed and went to my 1:00 interview with Ajilon downtown. I must have parked in the wrong place because it cost me 12bucks and change. And on my way there my gas light went on. So I navigated some strangled beeline to a chevron and picked up a bigmac as well, worried i'd sweat though my interviewing suit just after I had it dry cleaned. I would have then gone straight to hollywood but I forgot to write down the address of the place I was going. so home it was. I left at 3:45 and arrive in north hollywood at 5:20 for a 5o'clock group appointment just after my "check Engine" light went off. Great. I must have looked like such a child to them. I felt like a child. but I plastered on a confident grin and tried to bare it. I don't think I got that job. All the better, that commute is hell.
Immediately as I began to travel home I felt his huge wave of exaughstion hit me. I eeked home on the freeway past the hollywood bowl which had a huge inconvenient performance tonight that forced me to sit even longer in my car.On my way home I picked up a microwave dinner, english muffins, and more oriental top ramen. But I didn't end up eating any of it. I just put away my things, changed clothes, and blacked out on my couch next to my roommate who was also napping on her couch while the TV played some crime drama I felt was pretty poorly acted.
I got in a little frog breeding but other than that, my ipad died from lack of power and so did I. Just now I made myself an english muffin for dinner and changed into Pjs before checking my phone for messages.
because I have so many good prospects in the works, I'm not going to muddle my time with more applications. most of them i should hear back by tomorrow if I go on to the next step. So my goals are to:
- eat three times
- clean my room (a huge task on any given day)
- do at least one load of laundry
- shower
- wash my car like I've been dying to
- fillout the ue online form
- sign up for driving school
- pay my LATEST ticket. -_-
- ignore my car troubles
- and maybe... go? On a picnic? to the getty? To ROyalT to sit with my laptop and write out my essays with a vanilla cupcake and mint hot coco to my side. You know, the kinds of things I always wish I could do when I'm working like crazy.
Just one dream tomorrow, that's all I ask.
I'm getting more and more disappointed/frustrated with my waning friendship with the insouciant *******. He's getting to be lame, and that's his fault. I keep catching myself thinking of plots to get him to know what I want or what I'm thinking. Then I remember that's sick and I should only be acting on and about what I can control. And his nonchalance about me is disturbing. I'd like a replacement- but that's sick too. I'm disappointed to find I was so transient. I liked to think I was special. :/ I have to face facts though. and try to limit how angry I sound when I talk to him because I know how useless it all is. I'd like to cut it all off suddenly, but if I did then either he'd try to fix it (without the ability to) or worse- do nothing. Thereby confirming my phobia of being so replaceable.
It makes me want to reach out to other personified crutches for support. But I'm trying to resist that. Of all the times in life I need God's help, now isn't a good time to fall into bad old habits.
....although. ALong those lines, guess who finally sent me a little email? You got it. And I was over the moon with squishy girly joy.
Talk about bad habits.
I need sleep.
my dad calls me "wonder woman". I don't think he meant it sincerely, but it was probably an inopportune moment to ask for anything more clever or sincere.
5 interviews today. the first three were on the phone starting at 8:30, 10:00, and then 11:00. At noon I dressed and went to my 1:00 interview with Ajilon downtown. I must have parked in the wrong place because it cost me 12bucks and change. And on my way there my gas light went on. So I navigated some strangled beeline to a chevron and picked up a bigmac as well, worried i'd sweat though my interviewing suit just after I had it dry cleaned. I would have then gone straight to hollywood but I forgot to write down the address of the place I was going. so home it was. I left at 3:45 and arrive in north hollywood at 5:20 for a 5o'clock group appointment just after my "check Engine" light went off. Great. I must have looked like such a child to them. I felt like a child. but I plastered on a confident grin and tried to bare it. I don't think I got that job. All the better, that commute is hell.
Immediately as I began to travel home I felt his huge wave of exaughstion hit me. I eeked home on the freeway past the hollywood bowl which had a huge inconvenient performance tonight that forced me to sit even longer in my car.On my way home I picked up a microwave dinner, english muffins, and more oriental top ramen. But I didn't end up eating any of it. I just put away my things, changed clothes, and blacked out on my couch next to my roommate who was also napping on her couch while the TV played some crime drama I felt was pretty poorly acted.
I got in a little frog breeding but other than that, my ipad died from lack of power and so did I. Just now I made myself an english muffin for dinner and changed into Pjs before checking my phone for messages.
because I have so many good prospects in the works, I'm not going to muddle my time with more applications. most of them i should hear back by tomorrow if I go on to the next step. So my goals are to:
- eat three times
- clean my room (a huge task on any given day)
- do at least one load of laundry
- shower
- wash my car like I've been dying to
- fillout the ue online form
- sign up for driving school
- pay my LATEST ticket. -_-
- ignore my car troubles
- and maybe... go? On a picnic? to the getty? To ROyalT to sit with my laptop and write out my essays with a vanilla cupcake and mint hot coco to my side. You know, the kinds of things I always wish I could do when I'm working like crazy.
Just one dream tomorrow, that's all I ask.
I'm getting more and more disappointed/frustrated with my waning friendship with the insouciant *******. He's getting to be lame, and that's his fault. I keep catching myself thinking of plots to get him to know what I want or what I'm thinking. Then I remember that's sick and I should only be acting on and about what I can control. And his nonchalance about me is disturbing. I'd like a replacement- but that's sick too. I'm disappointed to find I was so transient. I liked to think I was special. :/ I have to face facts though. and try to limit how angry I sound when I talk to him because I know how useless it all is. I'd like to cut it all off suddenly, but if I did then either he'd try to fix it (without the ability to) or worse- do nothing. Thereby confirming my phobia of being so replaceable.
It makes me want to reach out to other personified crutches for support. But I'm trying to resist that. Of all the times in life I need God's help, now isn't a good time to fall into bad old habits.
....although. ALong those lines, guess who finally sent me a little email? You got it. And I was over the moon with squishy girly joy.
Talk about bad habits.
I need sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
