Faith in Happiness

I had a strange thing happen to me this morning.
As I was getting dressed to go to work two different people contacted me.
The first was on skype, someone I met a while ago who lives in Mongolia. He's an ex-mormon and in broken English was telling me about his mission in Russia and then how he lived with a girl and how much he enjoyed sex.  He said he did it, not because he didn't believe in a higher power, just that he wanted to find his own happiness. I didn't prompt this conversation- he just started confessing all this stuff as though he needed me to accept him. I had not, nor have I since spoken of or given any sign that I looked down on him for any of these choices (the one time I did really disprove was when he called my cell phone without my providing my number. Why do guys think that's romantic? It's creepy.) He inquired if I was still a virgin.
At that time I had a text message from someone I knew from the south. He asked to see me for 'dinner'. I know very well what it would mean to take him up on his offer for a massage and to let this guy cook for me. Not that going over to his place and enjoying our time together would be such an awful thing. But I know what it would mean.
The man from Mongolia then softened his speech. He told me he no longer wanted that life he lived. That God's wisdom was greater than his own. After a little thought of holding my phone in my lap and sitting in front of my computer... I told him that I would trust God too. I'm going to have to trust that doing the right things will lead me to some greater happiness than what I could make for myself.
I don't see it perfectly yet, but I have in the past been blessed with situations and opportunities I couldn't have created for myself.
Even without a Lord to promise great things, it's still not a good idea. My carnal lusts might be satisfied but I'd have fallen for that guy and wasted a lot of time that I shouldn't. Waste a lot of feelings on people who aren't worth all the tears.
For example, why the hell would I ever fixate on Masato? Put so much stock into his opinion of me?  Why would I try so hard to change things about myself that are perfectly fine because I wanted his approval? It's a wasted connection that I let form.
Monday night he called me to tell me that he was about to start dating a girl that I know, and he didn't want me to get the wrong idea just because we are close friends- he probably won't have time to talk to me anymore because he'd like to be devoted to his new girlfriend. He's sorry we didn't work out (what? like... a year ago? ) and he's moving to a new apartment so now he can invite other girls over, even if this new relationship doesn't work out.
Why did I ever put my faith in this guy? One who, even now doesn't think of me as a friend but rather a prospect on the back burner.

That mostly aside, I'm really homesick. I'm keeping very busy but the last two weeks marches on in the same mood- like a cloud over my heart. A cloud of intellectual loneliness I guess. Not that I need a rousing debate or a philosophical book but that I'm missing someone to feel I can rest my mind with. Does that make sense? Someone I can talk to? So I miss my family. Really badly right now. Even though I talked with my step-mom just last week and my little brother yesterday, I miss having some kind of person to go to. To talk out my feelings and thoughts. It's like going in circles, I can't explain it well.

I just can't explain it but I've got to keep going and trying not to be a nuisance. 

Crazy Penny Bra

I had a funny story to tell today. About a crazy old lady stuffing pennies into her bra... and the woman in the car next to me and I looked at each other and laughed.

It was a good day.
I should track my eating more carefully.

Tired. I'll tell the story in the morning...

Lining

Got into a fight until 2am last night. In fact, every night last week I was up until some morning hour.
But last night I must have just lost my mind. Strange thing is I tried to warn them. For no reason at all I started crying because it was my older brother's birthday and he never returned my call. It clicked in my head that I was being silly and I said so. I even said that I desperately needed to go to bed because I wasn't making sense. But I don't know why they didn't take me seriously. Honestly, I sounded like a lunatic.

Anyway, I figured it all out today as I always do. Texted and apologized again (as I had over and over in the middle of the fight) explaining that my hormones were simply out of whack and one should never take a woman seriously who lives in a red tent.

I woke up with red and puffy eyes. almost got into a number of car accidents until at last, I got a ticket for ONCE AGAIN not stopping enough. This time it was at a light on a right hand turn. Work was basically a blur and I was grateful no one asked me for much. At lunch I went home to fix my make up, take Advil, and lay down on my cool bedsheets for a while. I tried not to think too much today- just keep going.

My mommy called with my little sister while I was at work though and at that moment there was nothing I would rather have been doing than to talk to them. But I had to keep my voice down and my answers low because my co-workers were still there. It was the first day in 7 months I left work before them.

I did get a chance to chat with my mommy before going in the house. That was nice. Then I filled out my health forms, submitted the Daily Feature (later in the day than I intended to but the original piece I had lined up didn't link the original Photographer and I couldn't find the name anywhere. So I had to find a new one.) Now I need to finish my instructions to the web designer but my back hurts and I want to just lay here for a while.

This was/is *not* my best day ever but deep deep deep inside I'm actually grateful. Because I don't have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from. Because my family is all healthy and well and seemingly happy. I don't have the vulture of my mother eating the flesh from the back of my head. Because I still have a few friends who care about me and I'm gaining more and losing the bad ones. Because the problems I had today are normal ones.

I'll take weeping openly in traffic in front of an apathetic cop over being alone pretending not to be hurt by someone who uses me any day.

Regardless... I hate day -1 through 3. These cramps are murder.

Silver.

Into the Woods

I've had a couple very decent and useful ephanies this week. One such happened this morning while showering.

Masato called at midnight the other day to ask me out on a date. I asked why. This isn't the first time since we've broken up that he's asked me out. It's always a confession that even though he's dated plenty of other girls since then and even though we're very different people and EVEN THOUGH I still drive him crazy from time to time, he still thinks there's something there that we can work on. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and I understand him better than any of these other girls. Most of the time, all I can think is, 'I wonder who dumped him recently to make him think of Old Faithful Casey.'

Most of the time, I'm right and someone just broke his heart. Which is why I say 'no'. He laughs at the absurdity of my being so blunt. "We tried this already", I say. "It didn't work. Plus, you're a jerk- in a bad way."  He just promises to ask again later and tells me how his life is. I don't often tell him what's going on in mine. I don't think he'd get it anyway.

I was thinking about his proposal again today and why I'm still alone. My thoughts run in this order: Why do I have this thing for asian guys? Maybe because the first person I fell in love with was asian. Because they make me feel special being so white, I wouldn't know why a white guy would like me. why is it so important to feel special? Because I have low self-essteme? That's not true, I like myself- I just don't trust someone else to like me. I know that I like manly-men. I'm always attracted to men who are bold and upfront about their feelings about me. I always say that if I'm going to get into a relationship with someone, I need to know that he knows what's he's getting himself into and is willing to take on the challenge. So a man doesn't have to be a loud-mouth BRAVE dude to get me to like him. Not a flirt.

I have no idea why it took me so long to figure the next part out. I realized what I really want in a guy is what every girl wants. To feel secure. And maybe my fear of abandonment is simply greater than that of other girls who seem to easily get into and out of relationships. I've always been hyper sensitive to the opinions of others which is a fault I'm slowly overcoming.

It's less likely that I'll be able to conqure this inhibiting phobia enough to ever act or date like a normal person. But if I tell the right someone, maybe they can help me out. So if anyone ever asks me why I'm still not married, or why I won't date Masato ever again, or why I don't fall for guys very easily I can tell them not simply that I'm afraid of getting hurt, but that I'm looking for security. A place where I can be myself and feel okay about it with them.

Gentlemen everywhere, if you want a girl to really fall for you and you can't figure out why she's not into you- that might be the problem. It's not a deep revelation. Nothing new or unique. But to have that understanding I think will help me.

Now I can say to Masato, you're a great guy- but in more ways than one, you make me feel alone.

go away whatever

Some of my new least favorite phrases:
"Just chill, man""Take it easy"
"That's dumb."
"let's just..."
"Nevermind"

But if having expectations is for losers, then I should learn to say, "Whatever" and mean it just like they do. They say it to me all the time, the cool kids.

I'm having trouble with that tonight. Before I feel "whatever" I always feel "go away". That probably says more than I want to expound on.

Whatever whatever whatever. Just keep repeating it. Whatever whatever whatever. 

The Reins

So yesterday I said a strange prayer. (If I had an audience I'm sure half of them just tuned out. lol)
I normally pray for wisdom to know what to do and what I'm doing wrong and then the strength to be able to do it or stop it. But this time, I prayed for help. More specificly, I asked that the hearts of my co-workers (in the broadest sense of the word) would be softened. I asked that they be given clever ideas and the motivation and skill to carry them out well.

I can't do everything myself and all my effort goes to waste if the people I'm working with don't help me. If they don't prepare and don't care then it really doesn't matter how much energy I exert. Also, I've found that I have not been blessed with the skill to motivate others. I can ask nicely, pester, command, or beg and still I get nothing. I'm not the kind of person that people think about going out of their way to please. I thought for a moment it might be because I always seem to know the right answer and have everything in hand. Or that people don't want to do things because they might screw up my "perfect ideals". But even when I plead for help and show how vulnerable I am, I still get little to no more responce than if I had said nothing at all.

I don't know what the solution is. I do know that I'll never accomplish anything great by myself. Empires are built by the hands of many. And where do you find people as motivated as you? How do you make people who are not natutally loyal and hard working, be so?

I'm tired of being diappointed.