Into the Woods

I've had a couple very decent and useful ephanies this week. One such happened this morning while showering.

Masato called at midnight the other day to ask me out on a date. I asked why. This isn't the first time since we've broken up that he's asked me out. It's always a confession that even though he's dated plenty of other girls since then and even though we're very different people and EVEN THOUGH I still drive him crazy from time to time, he still thinks there's something there that we can work on. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and I understand him better than any of these other girls. Most of the time, all I can think is, 'I wonder who dumped him recently to make him think of Old Faithful Casey.'

Most of the time, I'm right and someone just broke his heart. Which is why I say 'no'. He laughs at the absurdity of my being so blunt. "We tried this already", I say. "It didn't work. Plus, you're a jerk- in a bad way."  He just promises to ask again later and tells me how his life is. I don't often tell him what's going on in mine. I don't think he'd get it anyway.

I was thinking about his proposal again today and why I'm still alone. My thoughts run in this order: Why do I have this thing for asian guys? Maybe because the first person I fell in love with was asian. Because they make me feel special being so white, I wouldn't know why a white guy would like me. why is it so important to feel special? Because I have low self-essteme? That's not true, I like myself- I just don't trust someone else to like me. I know that I like manly-men. I'm always attracted to men who are bold and upfront about their feelings about me. I always say that if I'm going to get into a relationship with someone, I need to know that he knows what's he's getting himself into and is willing to take on the challenge. So a man doesn't have to be a loud-mouth BRAVE dude to get me to like him. Not a flirt.

I have no idea why it took me so long to figure the next part out. I realized what I really want in a guy is what every girl wants. To feel secure. And maybe my fear of abandonment is simply greater than that of other girls who seem to easily get into and out of relationships. I've always been hyper sensitive to the opinions of others which is a fault I'm slowly overcoming.

It's less likely that I'll be able to conqure this inhibiting phobia enough to ever act or date like a normal person. But if I tell the right someone, maybe they can help me out. So if anyone ever asks me why I'm still not married, or why I won't date Masato ever again, or why I don't fall for guys very easily I can tell them not simply that I'm afraid of getting hurt, but that I'm looking for security. A place where I can be myself and feel okay about it with them.

Gentlemen everywhere, if you want a girl to really fall for you and you can't figure out why she's not into you- that might be the problem. It's not a deep revelation. Nothing new or unique. But to have that understanding I think will help me.

Now I can say to Masato, you're a great guy- but in more ways than one, you make me feel alone.