people are appalling

What makes people so awful as to be happy at other’s pain? Or sad at someone’s happiness? I supposed people are appalling anyway.

The weekend was good. A lot of fun, even with a question weighing on my heart. It could have been worse. But the water was so cold- it was numbing. Beautiful. I hate to be cold but it was so painful, it felt good. I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being confused too. I plague other people with my stupid emotions.

I used to call my dad all the time and we would sort these feelings out. but in the end the conclusion was all the same- it’ll be okay. But I trust my father so implicitly that if he says so, then it is. If he thinks it will be okay, then it will be. If he says I’m not like my mother, then I’m not. If he doesn’t think I’m a freak or a lost cause, then I’m not. I should call him soon. I think I need to believe in that stuff again.

I’m starting to resign myself to this stupid job. Perhaps if I do I won’t be so angry going in everyday. Then I won’t trick myself into getting in later and later. I can’t get out, and even if I did- where would I be? Wasting my life in some other assistant job. Frustrated and angry without the benefit of facebook and aim at my disposal.

I have a vacation hangover. My head hurts and I feel wasted. I need a super hot shower and a nice get-it-done session. I hate FHE. I’m going to skip it to get my head on straight.

It’s weird. When Eric and Joman came over last night I was confused as to wither I needed to be embarrassed about my geekdom. I know they are geeks too, but they don’t dress up. And even people who know anime pretty well consider something wrong with being a maid. I love it, I can’t deny that, but it’s always been private and a separate part of my life, what do I do with people who say they don’t see anything wrong with it? Mah, I’m just making things hard on myself. I look like a dork when I worry.

Crazy head today. I didn’t make the decision I was supposed to this weekend. Am I being over-dramatic or just extremely reasonable? I need an answer. I need a boyfriend who makes me feel like I have a future. With him and with myself. For the first time in my life I have the chance- willing and ready to give me a ‘home’ with them. In their arms, they say I’ll be safe. But- you know.

So k-chan has a new boyfriend. And it really makes me happy to see her happy. She’s smart and sassy and needs someone good for her as well as someone she really enjoys. I hope KLV is equipped to give her what she needs. And at the same time, I’m so jealous. I saw them holding hands and I watched him rub his thumb on her fingers. PANG. It was so cute I thought I’d die. In a good and bad way.

So yeah. People are sick.

A Get Away

I’m going away this weekend. I know it’s for the maidcafe but I really think I’m going to try to heal a bit. It seems like everyone is breaking up and having big upheavals of life. Maybe we could all use this to be far away from problems. It’s about the same distance from LA as Vegas, but I think this might be more suited to me.

A Vegas get-away never suited me. I’ve never been interested in clubbing more than to escape people, but it’s not the sort of thing a defenseless girl should do alone, so I haven’t. I don’t gamble and I don’t like feeling out of control of my body by drinking. And I’m sorry, the men they have there to entertain all look gay to me. And when I went with the maidcafe the WhiteGirls dressed me in this SHORTY McShort black skirt and that was uncomfortable as all get out. Luckily the SDcard that has those pictures got deleted by MAX. No evidence of my sulttery exists. As far as I know. Funny story, wearing a nice jacket didn’t save me from getting scoped. Which was…weird. Normally I don’t feel like a woman as much as I feel like a friend and a comedian/entertainer. Sexy doesn’t come into the picture as often as perhaps it should. So showing off the ‘goods’ doesn’t occur to me.

One particular moment, Aino, Deb, and I were standing in the casino chatting trying to figure out what we wanted to do -when I had a weird normal experience. I looked up and someone turned the corner and looked right at me. It was a dude- about my age, but he looked remarkably like Chris Bisente. It shocked me for a second, a second too long as it looked like I was staring for the wrong reasons XD. I immediately blushed and looked down apologetically. Wrong wrong wrong. I could feeeeeel his grin as he and his buddies passed, and detected when he glanced over his shoulder at me. He must have told his friends because not long after, they circled back- behind me. But I noticed. And so did Deb. Who immediately made Aino aware. Who promptly grabbed my hand and stormed out of the casino in a huff.

I was too embarrassed to do anything myself. Lol Weird story. I have no idea what she was so angry about and I don’t know what might have happened. But I’m just saying- Vegas is probably not a good getaway for me.

This other place, we have a hotel for two nights. Not far from the beach I think. We will be spending a majority of the day at the con working of course. I don’t mind that. But Aino and Kchan promised we’d find a mall and make me try on a bunch of clothes I probably won’t buy, try on wigs to see if I look better darker or blond or with bangs or whatever, watch a ton of anime, and eat until it hurts.

Well, that last part I put in, but I doubt Kchan would fail me there. If nothing else, we will eat.

Narrowed down emo post to:

Sigh… *wigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle…*
*sniff*

Spending my time writing apology letters in my head.
wah wah miss you.

Lost

Ever have one of those days that you feel like nothing will ever work out?
You put your whole heart into something and it was all a waste of time. You wonder if it’s worth it, if you’re worth it. If the time and hours and tears you spent are useless and pain and you’re personified nothing. You feel small and insignificant. You can’t change anything and worst, you can’t seem to change yourself. You can see it all before you and you know what you have to do but you can’t.

And I can’t control the world like I want to. I can’t control the way people see me or treat me or feel about me as much as I think I can. Maybe a little, but not enough to keep the ones I love, and put away the ones I don’t. I can’t always be what everyone needs. I try and I work really hard to know everything and to be the person you need, but I can only do so much. And it hurts to know it. To feel it. And then experience the effects.


I’ve lost people recently and I know that means that my life and heart have to change.
But it really hurts. It really hurts tonight.

bfojrbfoeubfodbv

ahhh frikin mauahibdgeodubxfcdgvbhnkmdhbn dBBIVBVOJVPJDB PB7

This is what we call a bad day. and I don't foresee it getting any better in the... four hours I have left to stay awake.

Thank the Lord I haven't cursed anyone directly with my care and maintainence. I just loathe everything today. I hate me, I hate food, and money, and my car, and the sky and the moon, the heat, the cold, my wardrobe, my skin, my hair, my teeth, my fingers, my face, i hate you, I hate them, I hate everything.

but mostly me.

Did you know I tried to make myself feel better by going out and buying a doughnut (along with my OJ because (once again)I forgot to get it at a normal store) and all i did all the way home was yell at myself for not spending the 75 cents on something healthy. Or for being impulsive. or yelling at myself for yelling at myself. It's all very confusing and dramatic and I'd just really like some pizza delivered and lay on the floor until I die.

...but then I'd probably yell at myself for ordering pizza when I have TV dinners right here.

So I think I'll just lay on the floor and wait for death to take me. Or until I decide to get up for work...

doshiyo?

What should I do?

There a person who won’t listen to me. So I tried something mean (that’s killing me)- ignoring him. I would think blocking him would be worse. But everyday he sends me an IM, hoping I’ll reply. If I do, what would I say? The truth is, I don’t like talking to him and I don’t see any reason why he likes talking to me. I don’t like to be nagged and guilted every four seconds to come see him in SanDiego (which is a point I made). He is nice to a point, but not anything particularly kind or interesting or creative have I heard from him. I thought that when normal people make friends, that things wax and wane naturally. But when I get into it with people lately, all it ever seems to do it wax and wax and the build up is choking me. I’m lucky I guess. It’s a nice way to die. I just remembered- he asked a few weeks ago about why I thought we’d be a bad match and I gave him a list! At least 10 good reasons, for each of which he tried to counter. Dude, if one of us isn’t feeling it, why fight? I don’t want to go on. I can’t believe I said all that and he’s still on it. After a week of silence, please GIVE UP. I don’t want to be mean anymore. X.x

The world deserves someone who thinks a lot less than I do. I think the right kind of person for me is just as smart, but calmer. I envisioned that this morning, flailing about in confusion and suddenly someone calmly wrapping their arms around me, pinning me in place! It was magic.

*Edit* I broke down and told him what was on my mind. I’m always amazed at the way I can say things I really mean, but with tact in the heat of the moment. My brain goes double time and I still end up sounding kind. I think he went from furious to friendly in like 2.4 seconds flat. Is this bad or good?

*Edit 2*Ever have one of those days where you just hate yourself?
I’m not saying this was always or will always be true, but really- as I am now, I help no one. A consuming beast I think. A waste of space. Honestly. If I didn’t think this would all end at some point anyway, having learned my lesson, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know what I going to do right now either. All I can really hope for is an Indiana Jones; take away the problem, and replace it with something of similar weight too quickly to notice the pain.

*addition 3 I guess* since I haven’t really posted this yet, I can call them edits can I?

Um…day fail. For sure.
But it’s nice to be talking again. I really missed it.

[real edit 1] wow. that made it worse. haha, if it didn't already, this week is going to suck.

better friends

Well, I feel sick.

Not sick sick I guess. Just showing symptoms. My nose is runny and it hurts, so I’ve turned into a mouth breather today. My throat is still killing me although I can be understood when I talk. But I have to clear my throat to answer the phone. My head feels stuffy and about once an hour I have one of those horrible flemmy coughs. I hope I don’t make anyone else sick.

I am pretty proud of myself though before I crashed last night I hung both maid dresses and yukata. Each dress is about 7 different pieces so it can be quite an ordeal.

Y’know there is a girl who thinks of me as (one of her?) her best friends, but I realize, I feel no such attachment or loyalty. In fact, she kinda bugs me. She is a convert to the church and has it all. She goes where she wants, she picks up work when and where she likes, she travels the world and make tons of money doing…nothing. She has no marketable skills and isn’t a very reasonable or tempered young lady with communication skills. She’s one of those beautiful brunet girls with black cars and nice stereos she doesn’t know how to work. She loves sushi and movies and always bugs me to hang out with her when ever she is in town.

What really bothers me, is that every time she IMs me (at lightning speed I might add), she asks me if anything new is going on. I have to say no.
Do I still have that job?
Yes.
How is it going?
It sucks, still.
Oh and how is that movie thing?
It failed- a long time ago.
Oh….well I was in Bali last week. I was thinking about becoming a script editor and my old boss magically set up a date where I could shadow one of the top producers in LA and so I wanted to know if you want to go out and get SUSHI?! Oh yeah, and I dumped my latest boyfriend. He was just too in love with me. I mean, seriously, who gives out diamond earrings on a first date after meeting on the internet? He wasn’t hot enough anyway.

Now she’s living in Sandiego after having toured Switzerland but she has no job but dating a wonderful guy. I realize what I’m saying sounds really shallow. Being jealous of someone who is more carefree and naturally successful with limited to no work is a classic failing and to feel like she’s rubbing her lifestyle into my face every time we talk would be a fallacy too. But have you ever had a friend like that?

Oi, I’m feeling sicker….

shooting stars

Depressing truth because I’m in a slightly morose mood today: I don’t really like shooting stars. They are pretty for sure, but I never see them in time and when I do, it feels too short.

When I try to wish, my mind is blank, and they never come true anyway.

So I don’t really like them.

Bumbling- cute or stupid?

OK I feel like writing. Let’s see how far I can get before I say something I don’t want public.

Kisses are strange aren’t they? I mean just straight lip-lip action. I don’t know if I’m any good at it- you can hear someone tell you so, but maybe it’s just fun. Lol. But who ever came up with that idea of putting your mouth on someone else’s? It’s not super obvious. I mean, if you had not heard about it and seen in since you were born, would you have the inclination, understanding, and desire you do? I think the answer is ‘of course’. I mean, kisses have been used since the beginning of time it seems. It’s totally natural. But why is it natural? Why is it that lip contact would ‘inspire’ procreation- which IS natural. Are your lips and the strange sucking of them attached to your libido? I mean, no animals kiss- do they? I’m not saying I mind it. I’m just giving it some thought. It’s a strange experience. What about even the simplest kiss makes a body feel relaxed and happy?

I was watching the (awful) movie Notting Hill, which so many women seem to think is the epitome of romance. I don’t. But something about Hugh Grant bumbling for 20 minutes, and a random starlet actress bestowing a kiss on him makes 30 year old women fall all over themselves. Why would this ‘super beautiful’ actress who owns the world suddenly need to escape into the arms of a simple British man? Oh the agony.

Please shoot me if I ever get to be that sappy. No, I guess sappy isn’t the problem. I have my fair share of stupid swooning. But I’ve never been romanced by stupidity. Movies like The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Notting Hill just don’t do it for me. I love desperation of the heart as much as the next girl, and I do enjoy being swept off my feet by a hero (being the image-conscious control freak that I am) who makes my head spin. So where lies the difference between romance and sticky stupidity?

Some guy told me the other day that he was very insecure. I told him that was okay because I always enjoy when insecurity turns into honesty. Oh, here is a strange example- Kevin from the Office meets a girl he likes. She’s a little heavy and by no means beautiful. Kevin admits he’s sorry, ‘I’m not very good at talking to pretty girls.’ The woman obviously melts- having not been called that before. But Kevin is too stupid to really lie- he means it. To him, she is pretty. In the subsequent episode he meets her in the parking lot and says, “I’m just going to say whatever pops in my head. I think you’re very pretty. I would like to take you to dinner. Boobs.” Basically. And it worked.

Oh another stupid movie- Jack.
C’mon- really Robin Williams? Did you even do a LITTLE research about what a 10 year old is like? You’re an insult to children everywhere. Too bad your ‘family’ movie is way too mature for kids to ever see and be offended by.

Hate when this happens...

OW FRIK. It hurts! *gasps for breath*
So I turned someone down today. I mean, I told someone I wasn’t interested. And it hurts like a freaking sea-salt wound. Not that I regret it- it was the truth, but at the same time I feel their pain acutely. *suffer* This is what I get for possessing too much da*n empathy. OW OW OW and I apologized about a million times. It’s not like they are a bad guy- he’s nice! Really cool. But that’s what makes it worse. *limp* I’m no good at this. *wheeze*

..*die*

………..looks like he just wants to be friends. That’s a little better I think. OR IS IT?
I want beef jerky.

Birthda...I can't even finish.

Hppeh deh birftday Caseh.

Seriously, if I have to hear or read the words, “Happy birthday” one more time, I might puke. Puke rainbows of course, but I’m just sick of hearing the words today. I’m going to have to respond to all my messages.

You know it really is nice to be loved. It’s weird. Everyone seemed to want to make sure I was well taken care of- a new thing for me. Normally it’s just me taking care of myself.

WARNING: the Following story is Depressing. SKIP IT if you don’t want to be disheartened about me and birthdays. For me, it is sad- but I only look back on it with a slightly bitter taste. It’s not ruining my day, I just want to record it. I put a pretty picture up to distract you.

Start of Story


I remember one birthday in Las Vegas with my mother that made me miserable. OK, in general, most holidays with that woman were pretty traumatic. This was just no exception. For some reason, did you know that it is mandatory for the birthday person to get exactly what they want the entire day and that by law, you must demand to eat at your favorite restaurant? It’s true. My mother made me aware of this fact by forcing me to sit on her bed and decide where to go to dinner. I had no idea. And just as I had no preferences, she had no suggestions. She raised us to just eat anything placed in front of us and be satisfied. Any portion, any time, we should be grateful. So at the tender age of 12 or so, I had not developed any preferences on food, and I didn’t really know restaurants (particularly in Vegas) that I wanted. I tried to explain this to my mother- I didn’t care. She got upset. Very upset. I tried to plead, please don’t make me choose. I just want everyone to have a good time and I don’t want to make that choice. Please don’t make me. As the household pretended not to hear her yelling at me, they also became steadily hungrier and angrier- but silent. And every moment she spent making me feel guilty was another moment we were not eating. She harangued- how could I be doing this to the family? At that moment I would have been happier to stay home alone and eat saltines and water if only this would stop.
I hated it. It was wretched. Lol- here is the good part. I picked a place near our house called ‘Texas’ where they have barbeque and hot wings and stuff. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich because I don’t like to get my fingers dirty.
Can you believe she became upset with me right in front of the waiter about what a stupid choice it was? How I could have had that at home if that’s what I wanted?
I felt so stupid. I screwed up the mandatory dinner.
End of Story

Well, that memory anyway. Something in the back of my mind says that I should never celebrate myself.

Well the celebrations have not yet ended. Angel is being as sweet as she is and has decided to take over my evening for a birthday party. I have no idea what she wants but I hope I get to go home and change before whatever it is. I want to play games and eat noodles. And clean my room. Dag, I knew I should have done this a while back. Sa~

John says he and Angel have something for me tonight, so does Chris, and so does Aino (but I don’t know when I’ll see them). And of course Kai. This leaves very little time for me to set up my new favorite gift: my netflix account. -^^- squeeeeeeeeeee! Mah, but I’m also excited for my TB and VGL CD. <3 What more could I ask for? Oh wait! I want a nice birthday kiss too. One that says, “Thank goodness you’re alive.” Lol. I’m such a dork. Aw, quit being such a girl Casey. It’s not becoming.

You know what I just realized? I have not heard that traditional birthday song yet this year. I mean, no one has sung it to me. Weird. Is that legal?