people are appalling

What makes people so awful as to be happy at other’s pain? Or sad at someone’s happiness? I supposed people are appalling anyway.

The weekend was good. A lot of fun, even with a question weighing on my heart. It could have been worse. But the water was so cold- it was numbing. Beautiful. I hate to be cold but it was so painful, it felt good. I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being confused too. I plague other people with my stupid emotions.

I used to call my dad all the time and we would sort these feelings out. but in the end the conclusion was all the same- it’ll be okay. But I trust my father so implicitly that if he says so, then it is. If he thinks it will be okay, then it will be. If he says I’m not like my mother, then I’m not. If he doesn’t think I’m a freak or a lost cause, then I’m not. I should call him soon. I think I need to believe in that stuff again.

I’m starting to resign myself to this stupid job. Perhaps if I do I won’t be so angry going in everyday. Then I won’t trick myself into getting in later and later. I can’t get out, and even if I did- where would I be? Wasting my life in some other assistant job. Frustrated and angry without the benefit of facebook and aim at my disposal.

I have a vacation hangover. My head hurts and I feel wasted. I need a super hot shower and a nice get-it-done session. I hate FHE. I’m going to skip it to get my head on straight.

It’s weird. When Eric and Joman came over last night I was confused as to wither I needed to be embarrassed about my geekdom. I know they are geeks too, but they don’t dress up. And even people who know anime pretty well consider something wrong with being a maid. I love it, I can’t deny that, but it’s always been private and a separate part of my life, what do I do with people who say they don’t see anything wrong with it? Mah, I’m just making things hard on myself. I look like a dork when I worry.

Crazy head today. I didn’t make the decision I was supposed to this weekend. Am I being over-dramatic or just extremely reasonable? I need an answer. I need a boyfriend who makes me feel like I have a future. With him and with myself. For the first time in my life I have the chance- willing and ready to give me a ‘home’ with them. In their arms, they say I’ll be safe. But- you know.

So k-chan has a new boyfriend. And it really makes me happy to see her happy. She’s smart and sassy and needs someone good for her as well as someone she really enjoys. I hope KLV is equipped to give her what she needs. And at the same time, I’m so jealous. I saw them holding hands and I watched him rub his thumb on her fingers. PANG. It was so cute I thought I’d die. In a good and bad way.

So yeah. People are sick.