Haircut x

I had several dreams last night.

One had Kchan & Kerry. I don’t think their office really looks like a well-lit version of Apria Healthcare where I used to work the mailroom some 6 years ago. But Kchan was dressed in a pretty suit, and Kerry laughed and smiled while I sat on a copier and laughed with them. I was Happy to see Kchan so happy.

Another is I told Gilbert why I was so mad at him. *shake fist* truthfully, I don’t know if he knew what we were planning. And I wonder if it’s too late and I’ll look like a copy cat. Anyway, in the dream he said he could help our plan come life. Oh well. This is idea will probably go the way of the balloon shoot.

These two, I think, were just part of a much bigger dream. Animaid was invited to perform at a big park. But we had time to shoot the girls again in their Lolita charm dresses. But to my dismay, my bio mother came to spoil the party. Aka- ‘spend the day with me’. I really hate that woman. I remember one part when we were crossing the street she says, “HAHAhAH Casey you always sound so nervous around me. Even on the phone. What is wrong with you?! HAHAHA.” I glared at her back and wished as hard as all get out I could tell her why I sounded that way with her, and to tell her to get lost.

Hm. Snippets of John, Aino, Chiyo, more Kchan, Elle, ect. All the animaid folks. It was a big long dream. But somewhere in there I realized it was a nightmare trying to spend that much time with my mother. Never again.

Anyway. On to the main point. I’ve been wanting to come back and write in here all weekend. Hoping to put into writing (what’s the word for that? Li-something? Legate? ) how I’m feeling.

So, I cut off all my hair. Yep. Like 5 inches. Chopped. In an A-line so it’s short in the back and long on the sides. Possible reasons?

- I don’t like myself. Maybe I’m just frustrated with who I am and wanted a major change to shake up my life. Getting a hair cut that’s shorter and more stylish than I’ve ever had before is really a huge change for me.
- I miss that boy. They say to get over someone it’s good to start life fresh. Re organize your room, buy new clothes, start eating healthy…Get your hair cut. You’ll feel like a new person… is it working?
- I have no one to impress since my heart was broken. If I can’t have him, then why not ruin my life so it’s not worth having any more? Does that make sense? I’m frustrated with being lonely and misshapen. So, like any emo teenager, I took it out on my hair.
- I’m tired of compliments. This, I know most people would never understand. What’s wrong with a compliment? You know, it’s really weird. As much as I like to hear support and all that- I have no ability to accept it. It’s like that function in me is broken. My face gets all red and my brain shuts down. I’m never really sure if it’s a good thing or not considering my reaction. And growing up as you know, I was not a pretty little girl. I was funny and wise and kind. But never pretty. And NEVER hot. And now, I don’t know what to do when people tell me they want to see me with long hair. It scares me- what if I fail? So cut it off. Let me go back to just being funny.
- I needed a haircut. That’s possible. Plus, do you know how hard it is to care for long hair like mine? Ug. Takes forever. I would know- I had long hair for most of my life. I don’t really want to go back to that.

I’m almost certain no one but me will like it. And honestly, I don’t even know if I like it- I just don’t care. If I know no one else will like it, and I’m stuck with it for the next 5 months or so, then why depress myself thinking about how cute or not it is? It’s functional for sure. I don’t even need conditioner. Or a brush. That’s how short it is.

So in conjunction with all the reasons (and it could be all or none of those), I do not want to see anyone for a while. Avoid the compliments. Or non-compliments. Which are just as bad.

But Jeremy still wants to see me. I’ll like to slug him in the face these days, but I’ve already made the date. Oh well. His loss.

Onward.

Ps. I cleaned my room finally. It’s nice. Even though I think I was only able to get through it because I was so brain-dead I was only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, thus I wasn’t distracted. Also, to stay away from that boy, I’ve had to stay away from the internet. Which frees up a lot of time.