dump truck

What is wrong with me?
Seriously? Well today started off bad. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.
This week I’ve been battling a failing heart. I can’t say I’m getting worse but I can’t say I’m getting better either.

The blog ***** gave me is gone. I don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t want me to be a part of that life anymore. So, no peace from that.
I tried to call my father this morning but I only got his voicemail. Just left him a nice “I love you” message. So, no comfort there.
And for some weird reason, I can’t find the new Naruto chapter. So, not even a simple distraction.

All I can think today is whaaaaaaat eeeevaaaaaaaaah. Just wanna roll over and die. Not so much because I don’t want to live, but time in painful. I hate this waiting. Waiting until this feeling is gone.

I have a ‘date’ tonight with someone I can’t stand. Everyday I ask myself, why am I still talking to this idiot? How can I even explain what is so obnoxious about him? I get the feeling he’s using me for his own entertainment. Demanding things like, “I’m bored. Tell me something interesting.” “I’m hungry. Bring me dinner.” “You’re such a dork. You never have enough time for me.” “You’re just jealous you’ll never be as awesome as me.” Dork geek nerd stupid. I GET IT. When I try to talk to him about things that are important to me or even little things like how my day is going, he doesn’t care. He says he can’t do anything about it and it’s my business. So my life really doesn’t affect him.

I don’t know what he wants from me. One moment I’m too bizarre and the next he’s complaining I never message him first. He say’s he wants me to be his “adventure buddy”. But honestly, and I know this makes me into a horrible person- I don’t need adventure. I want security. I’ve been thrown around in life enough already. I’m not interested in trying new clubs, hiking, or constantly trying to prove how my life is interesting enough for someone else. This is why I don’t like to hang out with ‘normal’ people and tell them about the maid café. They look at me like I’m a freak. So if he thinks I’m such a freak, why does he bother talking to me? I don’t get it. So day after day I take his whiney ‘tude and abrasive foolhardy nature.

But why am I doing this to myself? I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not attracted to him. Even seeing his name pop up makes me cringe. I can acquiesce with the theory I’m terrible at leaving people. But even after this much abuse I can normally step away or hide sufficiently from a person.

But as it stands, he’s also my only regular source of conversation. Feeling lonely and miserable as I am- I’d like it if he’d be a friend I could confide in. and I keep trying to make him into something he’s not. In the end I’m left alone again. Wanting this limbo time to be over. Maybe his exploitation is preferable to being alone.

Something has to be wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people seriously? I like people- in general. I see them and understand them from a nice distance. At least once a day, someone asks me for help or advice or comfort and I can do that pretty well. But what makes it so impossible for me to see possibility in anyone?

This is all an emo rant I’m sure. But who the hell reads this anyway? It’s just me basically I think. If you really do keep up with this crap, I suggest you stop. Because if I was going to write about what was ‘going on’ with my life… well, I’m not going to do that. So stop looking. If you want to know how I’m ‘feeling’, this isn’t a good place to tap into that either. I have no reason to spend the time to write here if I’m feeling well or just ordinary. You have to understand this is probably just a dumping ground only for when I feel so much I can’t keep it inside anymore. The image that comes to mind is a dump truck full of dirt. And when the truck is so full up it starts to mound over the edge, I have to scrape that top stuff off- like a cup of flour. And where better to put all the excess than here?

What am I going to do? Or, what should I do?

What I will do is hide in my head, continue letting this guy abuse me, stay in this awful job, wait for the pain to go away, and keep holding my phone to my heart so I know right away when I get a text that says, “Goodnight Miss Casey. ”