Tuesday, July 31, 2012
7:15pm
Got to work an hour early today. By accident of course, but it happened. In answer to my previous post's question- Yes; even when I get to work early, I still leave at around 7.
An ethernet cord fell on my head today
Long day... is long.
Started off with IT calling me (from Virginia) at home saying the server was down... and it's up to me to see what's up. But before I could swoop in and save the day, the manager took it upon himself to call someone not qualified to help and UNPLUGGED CRAP which took me a nice chunk of time to fix.
Then I got shouted at because I told them to wait for me next time there was an issue. "Well what did you expect us to do?! You don't get it Casey!" I get it plenty. I get it better than you do. That's why you pay me. But Prince Jason of MCW understood me. Even though I'm sure he doesn't think I heard him, he said it wan't my fault. And that was nice.
Final answer, I need to get to work earlier. But if I do, will I still end up staying until 7? It would be nice to have my evenings back.
Started off with IT calling me (from Virginia) at home saying the server was down... and it's up to me to see what's up. But before I could swoop in and save the day, the manager took it upon himself to call someone not qualified to help and UNPLUGGED CRAP which took me a nice chunk of time to fix.
Then I got shouted at because I told them to wait for me next time there was an issue. "Well what did you expect us to do?! You don't get it Casey!" I get it plenty. I get it better than you do. That's why you pay me. But Prince Jason of MCW understood me. Even though I'm sure he doesn't think I heard him, he said it wan't my fault. And that was nice.
Final answer, I need to get to work earlier. But if I do, will I still end up staying until 7? It would be nice to have my evenings back.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Can I Live Alone?
Sometimes I think I'd like to try living alone. When I first moved to L.A. even if that was financially possible, I'm pretty sure that would have been a tremendously bad idea. But as my roommate is gone for the next week and a half, I caught the thought that I wonder what it would be like to be the sole determiner of how clean my kitchen is. And if I cooked or baked every Sunday as I always planned and I was never afraid of getting in someone's way or being horrified at the disaster the last person left in a rush, would I? Would I scrub like I did tonight?
First it started in my room, slowly. I turned on my latest Netflix 'Coraline' and microwaved myself a dinner with a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. I text-chatted with my new friend and I browsed OKCupid in a passive-agressive attempt to lick my wounds from the other night. Then it kinda began, I picked up the art mess from the billboard project, put away the documents on my desk, swept, hung my clothes, and took out the trash. But i needed a new trash bag and as I went to retrieve one from the kitchen... I was disgusted. I put the new bag on the counter and started to put things away.
Then I emptied and filled the dish washer. But after that it only feels natural to wipe out the sink. and the the appliances. That lead to noticing the walls and the sticky counters and the fridge and the floors and celling and... well an hour and a half later I think, I finally picked up the trash bag and walked it to my room.
All the while I thought about Cynthia and maybe living on my own. Not that it's her fault of course. She has a lot of great qualities that make living with a little dirt a small sacrifice. But I thought a lot about being 'not international enough'. I wonder if I shouldn't have taken this job so seriously and went ahead with my plans to apply to teach english in Japan. Or maybe I should take more formal classes in Japanese. Or maybe I need to look at studying to take the GMAT and applying to get into grad school. Then I can be the international woman I dreamed of and forget letting the river I'm in take me the slightly mundane course I'm on. There's no adventure and life in fear. and I have a lot of fear. Having a masters wouldn't change me but it might put me on a path towards delaying dating.
I know, I sound obsessive but right now for some reason I am focused like a lazer. I even said so in my prayer over dinner tonight that even though this is the focus of my mind right now, it's only possible because of the blessings God has given me so I don't have to worry about other things. I don't have a huge medical bill to pay off, I'm relatively healthy with a lot of good friends, a good solid job that I like, I have a lovely home (that is 70% clean now), my car is running, my family is safe and happy (minus one little brother who is struggling with life), and I am still attractive enough to feel confident.
So I have to remind myself of two things. The first is life is good and I should be grateful for that. And the second is that if God has a plan for us all and He wants me to be happy in this life, then I'm going to have faith enough to want to bend my will to what he wants for me even if it's not what I have in mind right now. But I did ask God that if what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice to fulfill his will according to that great unknown happiness, that He let me know. Or at least when I see the right (or better) path, that I'll be sensitive enough to know that's what I should do, even if I don't know why or don't like it. I asked him to help me be prepared for whatever it is and in the meantime, to help me have peace and not let me be frustrated by the things I don't understand.
Help me stay away from men who would use me. And how would that work out? To deal with the great temptation of living alone, and I don't mean MY OWN temptation. I mean people like Phillip who lied to me this week. I need a break from him. But if we don't stay friends, I don't think either of us will consider it a great loss. I'll miss him, but it's probably for the best. The point is, if I lived alone, would I ever want to come out again into the sunlight? or would I waste away in front of my computer? Or would I be ready to take the responsibility of the cleanliness of my place when I invite over that special person?
...It makes me sad to think about how I couldn't sleep because I worried so badly that my house wouldn't be ready to welcome Mr. 10 Days. I worked so hard to get it ready... I really wanted that to work so badly... "Not international enough". Huh... maybe I'll sleep on the couch again tonight...
First it started in my room, slowly. I turned on my latest Netflix 'Coraline' and microwaved myself a dinner with a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. I text-chatted with my new friend and I browsed OKCupid in a passive-agressive attempt to lick my wounds from the other night. Then it kinda began, I picked up the art mess from the billboard project, put away the documents on my desk, swept, hung my clothes, and took out the trash. But i needed a new trash bag and as I went to retrieve one from the kitchen... I was disgusted. I put the new bag on the counter and started to put things away.
Then I emptied and filled the dish washer. But after that it only feels natural to wipe out the sink. and the the appliances. That lead to noticing the walls and the sticky counters and the fridge and the floors and celling and... well an hour and a half later I think, I finally picked up the trash bag and walked it to my room.
All the while I thought about Cynthia and maybe living on my own. Not that it's her fault of course. She has a lot of great qualities that make living with a little dirt a small sacrifice. But I thought a lot about being 'not international enough'. I wonder if I shouldn't have taken this job so seriously and went ahead with my plans to apply to teach english in Japan. Or maybe I should take more formal classes in Japanese. Or maybe I need to look at studying to take the GMAT and applying to get into grad school. Then I can be the international woman I dreamed of and forget letting the river I'm in take me the slightly mundane course I'm on. There's no adventure and life in fear. and I have a lot of fear. Having a masters wouldn't change me but it might put me on a path towards delaying dating.
I know, I sound obsessive but right now for some reason I am focused like a lazer. I even said so in my prayer over dinner tonight that even though this is the focus of my mind right now, it's only possible because of the blessings God has given me so I don't have to worry about other things. I don't have a huge medical bill to pay off, I'm relatively healthy with a lot of good friends, a good solid job that I like, I have a lovely home (that is 70% clean now), my car is running, my family is safe and happy (minus one little brother who is struggling with life), and I am still attractive enough to feel confident.
So I have to remind myself of two things. The first is life is good and I should be grateful for that. And the second is that if God has a plan for us all and He wants me to be happy in this life, then I'm going to have faith enough to want to bend my will to what he wants for me even if it's not what I have in mind right now. But I did ask God that if what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice to fulfill his will according to that great unknown happiness, that He let me know. Or at least when I see the right (or better) path, that I'll be sensitive enough to know that's what I should do, even if I don't know why or don't like it. I asked him to help me be prepared for whatever it is and in the meantime, to help me have peace and not let me be frustrated by the things I don't understand.
Help me stay away from men who would use me. And how would that work out? To deal with the great temptation of living alone, and I don't mean MY OWN temptation. I mean people like Phillip who lied to me this week. I need a break from him. But if we don't stay friends, I don't think either of us will consider it a great loss. I'll miss him, but it's probably for the best. The point is, if I lived alone, would I ever want to come out again into the sunlight? or would I waste away in front of my computer? Or would I be ready to take the responsibility of the cleanliness of my place when I invite over that special person?
...It makes me sad to think about how I couldn't sleep because I worried so badly that my house wouldn't be ready to welcome Mr. 10 Days. I worked so hard to get it ready... I really wanted that to work so badly... "Not international enough". Huh... maybe I'll sleep on the couch again tonight...
Sunday, July 29, 2012
...waiting
hello good old blogger. I return to thee after another heartbreak. That's 2 this week. So I may as well recap for the people just joining.
Let me tell you the story that ended tonight.
A month or two ago I met a really wonderful guy. I liked him, a lot. And for me, that's saying something. He asked me out once and then again. At the end of our second date I told him I'd be busy that weekend so he said he'd see me after those 10 days. 10 days goes by. I hear nothing.
11 days.
12 days.
13 days. I decide it's time to take action.
14 days. I text him gently to find out what's up. He immediately writes back that he's studying for the bar exam and has no time for frivolities. I'm okay with that , I understand work comes first.
another week and a half goes by and I hear nothing. Everyone can see how excited I am about him. even my co-workers ask me what's up and every time I have to admit that I have no idea. it's like he just disappeared which is even more strange the fact that he live within walking distance of my home.
So I decide to take a little more action. I put together a collection of foods I thought he'd like from around my house, put them in a nice bad and the tied it shut with a black hair ribbon (I heard that it's good if you leave something behind that smells like you.) I walked it to his house and he was so flattered he walked me home. He held my hand and told me what his life was like. Even though it was nice, I felt like I was the puppy from lady and the tramp who had escaped her bed and was now being escorted back to where I belonged. We had kissed on our previous date but not this time. He tells me he'd be studying until July 24th. That's at least a month. I promise not to bother him.
July 25th... nothing.
July 26....
July 27.......
today is July 28th. I went to the ward film festival all gussied up and not thinking about it until he showed up.
Long story of the evening short his last act of the night was to finally approach me. I told him I had missed him and it was good to see him again. He hesitated and finally, haltingly, told me the truth. First it was a bunch of gook about how busy he was and now he wanted to relax. Then it was more merda about how he wanted me to be free to date. I just stayed quiet. I thought I'd help him out for a bit and say it was okay, but it really wasn't. The way he was looking at the floor told me that's wasn't everything. So I waited.
3 seconds....
6 seconds....
An eternity...
Y'know he looked just the same as the last time I saw him- just really adorable. Finally he looked up and some how communicated that I was not what he was looking for in a partner. He wanted someone more international that spoke chinese and now that he was 36 he didn't have time to waste anymore. He thinks I'm very smart and very kind but he wanted to be honest with me.
Well, at last anyway.
Somehow at that point we exchanged a few sentences about dating inside the church vs. catholic people and how he didn't want to hang out because I'd get the wrong idea. something. It doesn't matter at that point. I forgot. Some annoying friends who were too dumb to see the intense situation I was in called out to me. He gave me a weak hug goodbye (which was much worse than the one he gave me when he first saw me tonight- like he was glad he came just so he could see me) and then left.
It really hurts. I spent the rest of my night trying not to tear up. talking to people. driving home. Posting photos on fb from the event. I know we didn't date long but I had so much hope for this one. A lot of energy and love I rested on him. And as I dated and went on with life for the last few months he was always in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. I told everyone, I'm waiting until the end of July. and...
To keep from getting too emotional, I'm just going to skip whatever other memories I have that made me like him so much. Or I'll try. I guess i just need to keep looking...
1 minute....
2 minutes....
3 minutes....
I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. maybe that'll help...
Let me tell you the story that ended tonight.
A month or two ago I met a really wonderful guy. I liked him, a lot. And for me, that's saying something. He asked me out once and then again. At the end of our second date I told him I'd be busy that weekend so he said he'd see me after those 10 days. 10 days goes by. I hear nothing.
11 days.
12 days.
13 days. I decide it's time to take action.
14 days. I text him gently to find out what's up. He immediately writes back that he's studying for the bar exam and has no time for frivolities. I'm okay with that , I understand work comes first.
another week and a half goes by and I hear nothing. Everyone can see how excited I am about him. even my co-workers ask me what's up and every time I have to admit that I have no idea. it's like he just disappeared which is even more strange the fact that he live within walking distance of my home.
So I decide to take a little more action. I put together a collection of foods I thought he'd like from around my house, put them in a nice bad and the tied it shut with a black hair ribbon (I heard that it's good if you leave something behind that smells like you.) I walked it to his house and he was so flattered he walked me home. He held my hand and told me what his life was like. Even though it was nice, I felt like I was the puppy from lady and the tramp who had escaped her bed and was now being escorted back to where I belonged. We had kissed on our previous date but not this time. He tells me he'd be studying until July 24th. That's at least a month. I promise not to bother him.
July 25th... nothing.
July 26....
July 27.......
today is July 28th. I went to the ward film festival all gussied up and not thinking about it until he showed up.
Long story of the evening short his last act of the night was to finally approach me. I told him I had missed him and it was good to see him again. He hesitated and finally, haltingly, told me the truth. First it was a bunch of gook about how busy he was and now he wanted to relax. Then it was more merda about how he wanted me to be free to date. I just stayed quiet. I thought I'd help him out for a bit and say it was okay, but it really wasn't. The way he was looking at the floor told me that's wasn't everything. So I waited.
3 seconds....
6 seconds....
An eternity...
Y'know he looked just the same as the last time I saw him- just really adorable. Finally he looked up and some how communicated that I was not what he was looking for in a partner. He wanted someone more international that spoke chinese and now that he was 36 he didn't have time to waste anymore. He thinks I'm very smart and very kind but he wanted to be honest with me.
Well, at last anyway.
Somehow at that point we exchanged a few sentences about dating inside the church vs. catholic people and how he didn't want to hang out because I'd get the wrong idea. something. It doesn't matter at that point. I forgot. Some annoying friends who were too dumb to see the intense situation I was in called out to me. He gave me a weak hug goodbye (which was much worse than the one he gave me when he first saw me tonight- like he was glad he came just so he could see me) and then left.
It really hurts. I spent the rest of my night trying not to tear up. talking to people. driving home. Posting photos on fb from the event. I know we didn't date long but I had so much hope for this one. A lot of energy and love I rested on him. And as I dated and went on with life for the last few months he was always in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. I told everyone, I'm waiting until the end of July. and...
To keep from getting too emotional, I'm just going to skip whatever other memories I have that made me like him so much. Or I'll try. I guess i just need to keep looking...
1 minute....
2 minutes....
3 minutes....
I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. maybe that'll help...
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Love is Unfair
There it goes again and I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. I start to like someone and then he finds out that I'm mormon and drops me like a rock. This one was a man I really respected too. He googled my name (FREAKN INTERNETZ) and the rest is history. It always is. Never know a person too well. It ruins everything.
I've tried these LDS dating sites and I'm actually surprised how disappointed I am. I can't find one person who remotely interests me? Not one? How is that possible? How long is this going to last?
Rejection is agony but I don't know if I can face the idea of cutting myself off from the world and committing my life to that awful concentrated loneliness such that has kept me so isolated from what's normal and so lonely for so much of my life.
And really, right now my life peaceful: some routine to my day and some space for my own life. I have the room to breathe and just be for a while. I can't express enough how grateful I am for it too. No illness or real life-changing decisions to make. No huge bills or breakdowns. Just dealing with day to day stuff and getting by happily enough. It's really enough for me right now.
But I catch myself from time to time still yearning to dedicate my time to a cause bigger and better than myself. At first it was the scsm, then maid cafe, then cp or whatever. But what's better than serving another person? It's not sex or friends I'm longing for. Just what I always want, purpose.
I try to be lovely and positive and bring out as much of the best of my personality that I can. I try to say yes to everyone who asks me for time and attention and I try to be good and maintain some respect for myself. So if I want to find happiness instead of waiting for it to fall on my head, what do I have to do? What should I say to this guy and other guys like him? Sometimes it just feels unfair.
I've tried these LDS dating sites and I'm actually surprised how disappointed I am. I can't find one person who remotely interests me? Not one? How is that possible? How long is this going to last?
Rejection is agony but I don't know if I can face the idea of cutting myself off from the world and committing my life to that awful concentrated loneliness such that has kept me so isolated from what's normal and so lonely for so much of my life.
And really, right now my life peaceful: some routine to my day and some space for my own life. I have the room to breathe and just be for a while. I can't express enough how grateful I am for it too. No illness or real life-changing decisions to make. No huge bills or breakdowns. Just dealing with day to day stuff and getting by happily enough. It's really enough for me right now.
But I catch myself from time to time still yearning to dedicate my time to a cause bigger and better than myself. At first it was the scsm, then maid cafe, then cp or whatever. But what's better than serving another person? It's not sex or friends I'm longing for. Just what I always want, purpose.
I try to be lovely and positive and bring out as much of the best of my personality that I can. I try to say yes to everyone who asks me for time and attention and I try to be good and maintain some respect for myself. So if I want to find happiness instead of waiting for it to fall on my head, what do I have to do? What should I say to this guy and other guys like him? Sometimes it just feels unfair.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
headache of a headache
I have a nasty headache. Probably from the lack of sleep all weekend and then the over- compensation of sleep today. I didn't take my meds today or yesterday either so I really just want to sleep all the time. But will that make my headache worse?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Virginia
What a crazy roller coaster day. It was good then bad then sad then a glimmer of hope followed by much busy then ... stuff. Frustration and success followed by more fail and then happiness... hours of happiness follow by... this. what a disappointment.
Maybe I should quit. Not my job, I mean everything else. I hate it when people ask me what I do as a hobby cause I don't have any. I used to, but now everything I love has turned into work.
There is this guy who I'm convinced in my brain I should really like but I don't. I've been out with him a few times but I just can't get into him. In fact, he texted me at lunch today to see if we could meet up and it made me angry. I know I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because he's a nice guy who is very smart and educated and secure. He's LDS and speaks mandarin. He's attractive in all the classic ways and very kind, even if he's a lot more adventurous than me. He's respectful and best of all - he's interested in me. But I can't stand it, why don't I like him? He just... bugs me. I don't think it's any fault of his.
Think I know why 10 Days disappeared without so much as a text. He even told me, because I'd make the "perfect bride". Just like this one. 10 minutes after I tell my friend the truth, he's 'tired'. and I feel so stupid for saying anything. For believing what people say when they tell me to relax. I feel like I shouldn't be honest because people like to see themselves in their others. That's a nasty thing to say of course but I feel that way. Even so, I should stick to mormon guys because then I don't have to explain and justify myself and get heartbroken.
I feel that way too with this new work I'm in. It's like the moment I solve one issue, another pops up. And to people hovering over me, perfection seems easy. Well I'll never be a writer or a doctor. I'm not a detail oriented person and I don't know why that fact is going to ruin my life but it might. I can handle a little rough handed critique but I'm really not a boy. I feel the burden of each correction and mistake so physically. And I don't think they recognize yet that I'm not actually getting anything out of this. I don't take home any new likes. Generally perks don't apply to me because my name isn't on anything so my personal notoriety isn't growing and I don't qualify for staff badges. But that's all peanuts. What probably bothers me most are none my victories are shared with anyone. So why am I doing this again? I forgot, this was supposed to be fun?
When I get my brain back maybe I'll figure out an answer which is why I'm not going to say anything right now. They may be my feelings but that doesn't make them correct or valuable. No, the facts are there. I don't have much at the moment to be proud of. In comparison to any other person I may seem talented but when within the ring of light cast by performance, I fade. So maybe I don't belong there. At least not right now.
They say all the greats had to suffer a lot of failure before they got to be that way. But the real reason I'd never be great or never fall in love is because I hate to fail. It's painful. It's pride of course that makes me think this way and it's pride that will keep anyone from greatness no matter how much talent they have.
If only I could stay away from wanting greatness. From wanting to be more. From getting drawn into leadership roles and really bright lights. And boys. All boys. Boys for bosses, boys who lie, boys who tell the ugly truth.
I feel a little better now though. As long as I don't think about anything too long I'll sleep fine. it's 1am here and 4am there. TTYL.
Maybe I should quit. Not my job, I mean everything else. I hate it when people ask me what I do as a hobby cause I don't have any. I used to, but now everything I love has turned into work.
There is this guy who I'm convinced in my brain I should really like but I don't. I've been out with him a few times but I just can't get into him. In fact, he texted me at lunch today to see if we could meet up and it made me angry. I know I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because he's a nice guy who is very smart and educated and secure. He's LDS and speaks mandarin. He's attractive in all the classic ways and very kind, even if he's a lot more adventurous than me. He's respectful and best of all - he's interested in me. But I can't stand it, why don't I like him? He just... bugs me. I don't think it's any fault of his.
Think I know why 10 Days disappeared without so much as a text. He even told me, because I'd make the "perfect bride". Just like this one. 10 minutes after I tell my friend the truth, he's 'tired'. and I feel so stupid for saying anything. For believing what people say when they tell me to relax. I feel like I shouldn't be honest because people like to see themselves in their others. That's a nasty thing to say of course but I feel that way. Even so, I should stick to mormon guys because then I don't have to explain and justify myself and get heartbroken.
I feel that way too with this new work I'm in. It's like the moment I solve one issue, another pops up. And to people hovering over me, perfection seems easy. Well I'll never be a writer or a doctor. I'm not a detail oriented person and I don't know why that fact is going to ruin my life but it might. I can handle a little rough handed critique but I'm really not a boy. I feel the burden of each correction and mistake so physically. And I don't think they recognize yet that I'm not actually getting anything out of this. I don't take home any new likes. Generally perks don't apply to me because my name isn't on anything so my personal notoriety isn't growing and I don't qualify for staff badges. But that's all peanuts. What probably bothers me most are none my victories are shared with anyone. So why am I doing this again? I forgot, this was supposed to be fun?
When I get my brain back maybe I'll figure out an answer which is why I'm not going to say anything right now. They may be my feelings but that doesn't make them correct or valuable. No, the facts are there. I don't have much at the moment to be proud of. In comparison to any other person I may seem talented but when within the ring of light cast by performance, I fade. So maybe I don't belong there. At least not right now.
They say all the greats had to suffer a lot of failure before they got to be that way. But the real reason I'd never be great or never fall in love is because I hate to fail. It's painful. It's pride of course that makes me think this way and it's pride that will keep anyone from greatness no matter how much talent they have.
If only I could stay away from wanting greatness. From wanting to be more. From getting drawn into leadership roles and really bright lights. And boys. All boys. Boys for bosses, boys who lie, boys who tell the ugly truth.
I feel a little better now though. As long as I don't think about anything too long I'll sleep fine. it's 1am here and 4am there. TTYL.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Discipline.
That kind of shallow thinking just disgusts me. Arguing that people can't possibly be any different from you is insulting to me. You do realize that you're calling me a liar right? That you actually doubt my existence and the existence of some of the best people I've ever known? You think that imagining that no one could be more disciplined than you is somehow a virtue? And you call me close minded and naive when you don't know what you're talking about clearly. How is it someone could honestly say to me that there is no such thing as a good person and then turn around and call ME inexperienced?! Good gravy which of the two of us hasn't lived in the world long enough?!
You think I don't know about consequences and temptations? You think I never fought against things that were bad for me because I am smart enough to know what's best? You're a fool and your weakness and cowardice and judgmental high-and-mighty attitude are so unattractive I don't know how you can look at yourself. You know one time you said to me that men and women could never be friends. That men always want something from them. You said this to ME. YOUR FRIEND? A GIRL? What kind or moron are you? Trying to send me some kind of pathetic signal? Then years later we have THIS blessed conversation where in it you tell me I can't really be who I am. ME. I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU BIG BIGOTED MORON.
You think I don't know about consequences and temptations? You think I never fought against things that were bad for me because I am smart enough to know what's best? You're a fool and your weakness and cowardice and judgmental high-and-mighty attitude are so unattractive I don't know how you can look at yourself. You know one time you said to me that men and women could never be friends. That men always want something from them. You said this to ME. YOUR FRIEND? A GIRL? What kind or moron are you? Trying to send me some kind of pathetic signal? Then years later we have THIS blessed conversation where in it you tell me I can't really be who I am. ME. I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU BIG BIGOTED MORON.
Angry dish washing
That's a new one for me. But it was kinda fun to shout to myself and get stuff done at the same time.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Lost Status
I'm getting tired and cranky so I thought I'd write this out.
FB Status updates that didn't make my wall tonight:
Okay that's 3 engagement of 6 of my friends in the last 30 days. The math says I should own about 4 dozen cats by now.
I should be doing something productive now that I cleaned my room... but I'm so tired from cleaning it I don't want to do anything.
Why is my cut from the 4th of July still bleeding?
Tonight I thought the words, "Her kitchen is such a mess" before I remembered I live here too.
I'm not convinced these are the right elf ears to buy... #nerdworldproblems
I should be ashamed. I don't know where my closest bookstore is.
With all the time I spend (that I shouldn't be) working on Cosplay Photographers, I really don't have time or energy to care for my Venus account to be an independent Maid Idol. But what do I do with one of the most well-known maid accounts state side with almost as many friends as Casey has but with MORE PHOTOS?
My father always said that there is no such thing as a bad situation, just a material gathering opportunity. I wish I could have seen the enormous amount of potential in the model-like poses my fb friend has been whipping out and photographing every time she breast-feeds her newborn before I unsubcribed. I can only take so much humor.
FB Status updates that didn't make my wall tonight:
Okay that's 3 engagement of 6 of my friends in the last 30 days. The math says I should own about 4 dozen cats by now.
I should be doing something productive now that I cleaned my room... but I'm so tired from cleaning it I don't want to do anything.
Why is my cut from the 4th of July still bleeding?
Tonight I thought the words, "Her kitchen is such a mess" before I remembered I live here too.
I'm not convinced these are the right elf ears to buy... #nerdworldproblems
I should be ashamed. I don't know where my closest bookstore is.
With all the time I spend (that I shouldn't be) working on Cosplay Photographers, I really don't have time or energy to care for my Venus account to be an independent Maid Idol. But what do I do with one of the most well-known maid accounts state side with almost as many friends as Casey has but with MORE PHOTOS?
My father always said that there is no such thing as a bad situation, just a material gathering opportunity. I wish I could have seen the enormous amount of potential in the model-like poses my fb friend has been whipping out and photographing every time she breast-feeds her newborn before I unsubcribed. I can only take so much humor.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Phyko
Something is wrong with me. Not news to anyone but this, I just don't get.
I'm sitting on my bed with a bowl of dinner in my lap. It's warm, I'm hungry, and it's midnight. But I don't want to eat it. I want to do anything else. I don't want to eat it. I know I'm hungry- my stomach hurts. So why can't I lift the fork to eat? I just want to take a nap instead.
Seriously, is this a physiological thing?
In other news, I really hate how I have to now not only look left and right before I cross the street, but up too. Just in case a piano falls on my head. When something does come crashing down, they'll say, "Why didn't you look up?!"
I'd say, "When have I ever needed to look up?! Traffic should be coming from either direction! This is not normal! Put some freakn' signs around that say No More High-rise Piano Moving." But that would be silly huh?
SUDDENLY.
I'm an independent woman and I almost hate it. For sure, it's something I should be proud of but I don't think I was ever meant to be left alone to fend for myself. So why can't I fall in love with someone who is right for me? Someone asked me why I wasn't married (or dating anyone) yet and I thought, because there's something wrong with me. But how to you say that without embarrassing the questioner? I mention this because maybe if I was really a grown up woman taking care of myself, then I should be able to eat this dinner, right? and if I can't, does that mean I'm not capable?
Recently I'm getting that old familiar feeling of not being able to do anything right the first time. But self pity never rowed to England. I really wish I could google the answer.
The internet is amazing, but it doesn't have all the answers. It doesn't have Revolutionary Girl Utena episode 20.
I'm sitting on my bed with a bowl of dinner in my lap. It's warm, I'm hungry, and it's midnight. But I don't want to eat it. I want to do anything else. I don't want to eat it. I know I'm hungry- my stomach hurts. So why can't I lift the fork to eat? I just want to take a nap instead.
Seriously, is this a physiological thing?
In other news, I really hate how I have to now not only look left and right before I cross the street, but up too. Just in case a piano falls on my head. When something does come crashing down, they'll say, "Why didn't you look up?!"
I'd say, "When have I ever needed to look up?! Traffic should be coming from either direction! This is not normal! Put some freakn' signs around that say No More High-rise Piano Moving." But that would be silly huh?
SUDDENLY.
I'm an independent woman and I almost hate it. For sure, it's something I should be proud of but I don't think I was ever meant to be left alone to fend for myself. So why can't I fall in love with someone who is right for me? Someone asked me why I wasn't married (or dating anyone) yet and I thought, because there's something wrong with me. But how to you say that without embarrassing the questioner? I mention this because maybe if I was really a grown up woman taking care of myself, then I should be able to eat this dinner, right? and if I can't, does that mean I'm not capable?
Recently I'm getting that old familiar feeling of not being able to do anything right the first time. But self pity never rowed to England. I really wish I could google the answer.
The internet is amazing, but it doesn't have all the answers. It doesn't have Revolutionary Girl Utena episode 20.
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