Virginia

What a crazy roller coaster day. It was good then bad then sad then a glimmer of hope followed by much  busy then ... stuff. Frustration and success followed by more fail and then happiness... hours of happiness follow by... this. what a disappointment.

Maybe I should quit. Not my job, I mean everything else. I hate it when people ask me what I do as a hobby cause I don't have any. I used to, but now everything I love has turned into work.

There is this guy who I'm convinced in my brain I should really like but I don't. I've been out with him a few times but I just can't get into him. In fact, he texted me at lunch today to see if we could meet up and it made me angry. I know I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because he's a nice guy who is very smart and educated and secure. He's LDS and speaks mandarin.  He's attractive in all the classic ways and very kind, even if he's a lot more adventurous than me. He's respectful and best of all - he's interested in me. But I can't stand it, why don't I like him? He just... bugs me. I don't think it's any fault of his.

Think I know why 10 Days disappeared without so much as a text. He even told me, because I'd make the "perfect bride". Just like this one. 10 minutes after I tell my friend the truth, he's 'tired'. and I feel so stupid for saying anything. For believing what people say when they tell me to relax. I feel like I shouldn't be honest because people like to see themselves in their others. That's a nasty thing to say of course but I feel that way. Even so, I should stick to mormon guys because then I don't have to explain and justify myself and get heartbroken.

I feel that way too with this new work I'm in. It's like the moment I solve one issue, another pops up. And to people hovering over me, perfection seems easy. Well I'll never be a writer or a doctor. I'm not a detail oriented person and I don't know why that fact is going to ruin my life but it might. I can handle a little rough handed critique but I'm really not a boy. I feel the burden of each correction and mistake so physically. And I don't think they recognize yet that I'm not actually getting anything out of this. I don't take home any new likes. Generally perks don't apply to me because my name isn't on anything so my personal notoriety isn't growing and I don't qualify for staff badges.  But that's all peanuts. What probably bothers me most are none my victories are shared with anyone. So why am I doing this again? I forgot, this was supposed to be fun?

When I get my brain back maybe I'll figure out an answer which is why I'm not going to say anything right now. They may be my feelings but that doesn't make them correct or valuable. No, the facts are there. I don't have much at the moment to be proud of. In comparison to any other person I may seem talented but when within the ring of light cast by performance, I fade. So maybe I don't belong there. At least not right now.

They say all the greats had to suffer a lot of failure before they got to be that way. But the real reason I'd never be great or never fall in love is because I hate to fail. It's painful. It's pride of course that makes me think this way and it's pride that will keep anyone from greatness no matter how much talent they have.

If only I could stay away from wanting greatness. From wanting to be more. From getting drawn into leadership roles and really bright lights. And boys. All boys. Boys for bosses, boys who lie, boys who tell the ugly truth.

I feel a little better now though. As long as I don't think about anything too long I'll sleep fine. it's 1am here and 4am there. TTYL.