Love is Unfair

There it goes again and I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. I start to like someone and then he finds out that I'm mormon and drops me like a rock. This one was a man I really respected too. He googled my name (FREAKN INTERNETZ) and the rest is history. It always is. Never know a person too well. It ruins everything.

I've tried these LDS dating sites and I'm actually surprised how disappointed I am. I can't find one person who remotely interests me? Not one? How is that possible? How long is this going to last?

Rejection is agony but I don't know if I can face the idea of cutting myself off from the world and committing my life to that awful concentrated loneliness such that has kept me so isolated from what's normal and so lonely for so much of my life.

And really, right now my life peaceful: some routine to my day and some space for my own life. I have the room to breathe and just be for a while. I can't express enough how grateful I am for it too. No illness or real life-changing decisions to make. No huge bills or breakdowns. Just dealing with day to day stuff and getting by happily enough. It's really enough for me right now.

But I catch myself from time to time still yearning to dedicate my time to a cause bigger and better than myself. At first it was the scsm, then maid cafe, then cp or whatever. But what's better than serving another person? It's not sex or friends I'm longing for. Just what I always want, purpose.

I try to be lovely and positive and bring out as much of the best of my personality that I can. I try to say yes to everyone who asks me for time and attention and I try to be good and maintain some respect for myself. So if I want to find happiness instead of waiting for it to fall on my head, what do I have to do? What should I say to this guy and other guys like him?  Sometimes it just feels unfair.