Can I Live Alone?

Sometimes I think I'd like to try living alone. When I first moved to L.A. even if that was financially possible, I'm pretty sure that would have been a tremendously bad idea. But as my roommate is gone for the next week and a half, I caught the thought that I wonder what it would be like to be the sole determiner of how clean my kitchen is. And if I cooked or baked every Sunday as I always planned and I was never afraid of getting in someone's way or being horrified at the disaster the last person left in a rush, would I? Would I scrub like I did tonight?

First it started in my room, slowly. I turned on my latest Netflix 'Coraline' and microwaved myself a dinner with a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. I text-chatted with my new friend and I browsed OKCupid in a passive-agressive attempt to lick my wounds from the other night. Then it kinda began, I picked up the art mess from the billboard project, put away the documents on my desk, swept, hung my clothes, and took out the trash. But i needed a new trash bag and as I went to retrieve one from the kitchen... I was disgusted. I put the new bag on the counter and started to put things away.

Then I emptied and filled the dish washer. But after that it only feels natural to wipe out the sink. and the the appliances. That lead to noticing the walls and the sticky counters and the fridge and the floors and celling and... well an hour and a half later I think, I finally picked up the trash bag and walked it to my room.

All the while I thought about Cynthia and maybe living on my own. Not that it's her fault of course. She has a lot of great qualities that make living with a little dirt a small sacrifice. But I thought a lot about being 'not international enough'. I wonder if I shouldn't have taken this job so seriously and went ahead with my plans to apply to teach english in Japan. Or maybe I should take more formal classes in Japanese. Or maybe I need to look at studying to take the GMAT and applying to get into grad school. Then I can be the international woman I dreamed of and forget letting the river I'm in take me the slightly mundane course I'm on. There's no adventure and life in fear. and I have a lot of fear. Having a masters wouldn't change me but it might put me on a path towards delaying dating.

I know, I sound obsessive but right now for some reason I am focused like a lazer. I even said so in my prayer over dinner tonight that even though this is the focus of my mind right now, it's only possible because of the blessings God has given me so I don't have to worry about other things. I don't have a huge medical bill to pay off, I'm relatively healthy with a lot of good friends, a good solid job that I like, I have a lovely home (that is 70% clean now), my car is running, my family is safe and happy (minus one little brother who is struggling with life), and I am still attractive enough to feel confident.

So I have to remind myself of two things. The first is life is good and I should be grateful for that. And the second is that if God has a plan for us all and He wants me to be happy in this life, then I'm going to have faith enough to want to bend my will to what he wants for me even if it's not what I have in mind right now. But I did ask God that if what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice to fulfill his will according to that great unknown happiness, that He let me know. Or at least when I see the right (or better) path, that I'll be sensitive enough to know that's what I should do, even if I don't know why or don't like it. I asked him to help me be prepared for whatever it is and in the meantime, to help me have peace and not let me be frustrated by the things I don't understand.

Help me stay away from men who would use me. And how would that work out? To deal with the great temptation of living alone, and I don't mean MY OWN temptation. I mean people like Phillip who lied to me this week. I need a break from him. But if we don't stay friends, I don't think either of us will consider it a great loss. I'll miss him, but it's probably for the best. The point is, if I lived alone, would I ever want to come out again into the sunlight? or would I waste away in front of my computer? Or would I be ready to take the responsibility of the cleanliness of my place when I invite over that special person?

...It makes me sad to think about how I couldn't sleep because I worried so badly that my house wouldn't be ready to welcome Mr. 10 Days. I worked so hard to get it ready... I really wanted that to work so badly... "Not international enough". Huh... maybe I'll sleep on the couch again tonight...