...waiting

hello good old blogger. I return to thee after another heartbreak. That's 2 this week. So I may as well recap for the people just joining.

Let me tell you the story that ended tonight.

A month or two ago I met a really wonderful guy. I liked him, a lot. And for me, that's saying something. He asked me out once and then again. At the end of our second date I told him I'd be busy that weekend so he said he'd see me after those 10 days. 10 days goes by. I hear nothing.
11 days.
12 days.
13 days. I decide it's time to take action.
14 days. I text him gently to find out what's up. He immediately writes back that he's studying for the bar exam and has no time for frivolities. I'm okay with that , I understand work comes first.
another week and a half goes by and I hear nothing. Everyone can see how excited I am about him. even my co-workers ask me what's up and every time I have to admit that I have no idea. it's like he just disappeared which is even more strange the fact that he live within walking distance of my home.
So I decide to take a little more action. I put together a collection of foods I thought he'd like from around my house, put them in a nice bad and the tied it shut with a black hair ribbon (I heard that it's good if you leave something behind that smells like you.) I walked it to his house and he was so flattered he walked me home. He held my hand and told me what his life was like. Even though it was nice, I felt like I was the puppy from lady and the tramp who had escaped her bed and was now being escorted back to where I belonged. We had kissed on our previous date but not this time. He tells me he'd be studying until July 24th. That's at least a month. I promise not to bother him.
July 25th... nothing.
July 26....
July 27.......
today is July 28th. I went to the ward film festival all gussied up and not thinking about it until he showed up.

Long story of the evening short his last act of the night was to finally approach me. I told him I had missed him and it was good to see him again. He hesitated and finally, haltingly, told me the truth. First it was a bunch of gook about how busy he was and now he wanted to relax. Then it was more merda about how he wanted me to be free to date. I just stayed quiet. I thought I'd help him out for a bit and say it was okay, but it really wasn't. The way he was looking at the floor told me that's wasn't everything. So I waited.
3 seconds....
6 seconds....
An eternity...
Y'know he looked just the same as the last time I saw him- just really adorable. Finally he looked up and some how communicated that I was not what he was looking for in a partner. He wanted someone more international that spoke chinese and now that he was 36 he didn't have time to waste anymore. He thinks I'm very smart and very kind but he wanted to be honest with me.
Well, at last anyway.

Somehow at that point we exchanged a few sentences about dating inside the church vs. catholic people and how he didn't want to hang out because I'd get the wrong idea. something. It doesn't matter at that point. I forgot. Some annoying friends who were too dumb to see the intense situation I was in called out to me. He gave me a weak hug goodbye (which was much worse than the one he gave me when he first saw me tonight- like he was glad he came just so he could see me) and then left.

It really hurts. I spent the rest of my night trying not to tear up. talking to people. driving home. Posting photos on fb from the event. I know we didn't date long but I had so much hope for this one. A lot of energy and love I rested on him. And as I dated and went on with life for the last few months he was always in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. I told everyone, I'm waiting until the end of July. and...
To keep from getting too emotional, I'm just going to skip whatever other memories I have that made me like him so much. Or I'll try. I guess i just need to keep looking...

1 minute....
2 minutes....
3 minutes....

I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. maybe that'll help...