"Eugene Eugene" is a Musical. Google it.

mmh. Where to start?

At around 4pm today I became swiftly and terribly sick. Sick to my stomach and dizzy with a headache. And I knew why it had happened because they were the kind of symptoms I have when I have officially overworked my nerves with no regard to caring for my body. And I'll admit it, I am WAY over stressed right now. Even if I had not come in to work today, I could have clocked 38 hours. What with the maid cafe reving up in all the wrong ways, the sudden but passive-agressive job offer, and the impending doom of the Easter Recital looming on the horizon, I am just a few eye-ticks away from  a burn-out. It's not a lot to do really, I'm just doing what I do best- worrying. Which makes me place the needs of my body on the back burner. Who needs to shower when there's so many spelling errors?

I don't often get little warning signals like a rumbly tummy to know it's time to eat. It's after 2 days of living on pretzel sticks and hot chocolate powder feeling nothing and suddenly it's like a shovel has been thrust into my gut and I might die in the next 20 minutes if I don't eat something. It's that sudden and severe. But since everyone needs me constantly, I don't really get a break. I don't actually think my co-workers believed me when I said I needed to go home on time tonight. They must have thought I was sneaking out.

And I was and I wasn't. Although I still felt dizzy and sick, I drove downtown to meet up with Eugene to see GreenDay the Musical. Independent of our mutual acquaintance we keep up from time to time. While I was in my car fixing my makeup I realized I was nervous. Nervous because I don't know why he invited me. Sloppy seconds? Not for dating of course, my instinct isn't hinting at any romantic intentions at all. But I do take pride in being the good girl friend. Someone you can take out on the town and be proud of, enjoy yourself with when your hot date falls through to wash her hair. Casey will be there to pick up her slack and let you be free from any commitment or drama. Just go and enjoy your evening. If that's the case here, then that's definitely fine, I just hope I'm fun and cute enough to keep the title.

Especially since I unarguably and unequivocally have been replaced by Train Girl. So perfect is the hole I left filled by TG that it's almost humorous. And I can roll my eyes and laugh about it right now because I'm learning that when dealing with certain people, you just can't afford to be a leaky bucket. In those cases, if you're lucky to catch any rain, you'd better hold on to it for the imminent draught like the one I'm in now. But once said, (and I waited a good long time to hear it) I'll hold on to that nice phrase. Even when so obviously substituted, I'm going to remember that text that said I am important.

I never said so in this blog, did I? That a few weeks ago my heart was crushed when my phone blipped out and erased every last text message I had in there. Hundreds of the sweetest memories I had kept just to read to myself, to keep me company and make me smile- gone. I had saved so many lovely phrases on that phone. Even ones that wouldn't matter to anyone but me. Like my first text message from Masato as my official boyfriend. The one that Tim sent me NYE 2011 when he called me Venus and said I made his year more beautiful. Or the one where Jeremy sent me a picture of the ice skating rink because I told him if we were still friends in a month, I'd go with him. A few months later I begged his moral approval to text Kai when I missed him so bad I couldn't breathe. Jeremy came right out, brought me beef jerky and coconut milk, and watched me cry in my car. I had one from Alana after I tripped down the stairs in front of everyone after leading the music in church and the congregation all waited to see if I was okay. One from Chris's little brother Geoff who said I gave him his favorite nick-name "gorilla baby". I kept the one from Kenny that said he was sorry he couldn't join me at Comic Con and one from Stephen when he thanked me for going to sushi with him. He said it was sexy of me. Stupid stuff like that, more serious ones... that all meant a lot to me.

It was one in the morning when it happened and I couldn't help absolutely breaking down into devastated tears. I know I said I'm tired of crying over nothing but that night I think was justified. I have a lot of online conversations saved from some of my most important relationships, but these texts were more important to me than any gift I could keep in a box. How will I ever be able to replace them? Even if I could ask for them again... well I can't. But since then, I have tried to collect some... the one where I'm referred to as 'babe' is my favorite. But it took me more than a week to be able to look at my phone and not feel a pang about how empty it is now. Irreplaceable trinkets.


Oh dear. Look at the time I wasted. I have to get up tomorrow and I didn't eat much.


All I really meant to say was that I felt a little better when Eugene gave me his coat to wear, let me take his arm, and wanted to show me the bench from 500 Days of Summer.

too tired to sleep.

Have you ever been tempted so badly it actually hurts?
I know it's stupid. But it late and this is the third day in a row where I only hand ensure for breakfast and skipped dinner entirely. it was a long day and I'm tired of being alone. Kurushio.

I'd tell a story but if I write much more my stupid spelling mistakes will only become more obvious.

I'm too tired to sleep.

My house smells like lemon

I can't even make a damn cake.

Keeping the Buck

I can't seem to shake the 'poor me' mood today. I forgot my meds which turns me into mushy saddness anyway. I'm just trying not to do or say anything detrimental. Nothing permanant. Just do what I planned for the night and nothing else. Don't talk to anyone, don't make any weird fb posts, don't go crying for any reason. now that I'm home I should just bake the cake, shower, and go to bed. Anything other than that is a mistake.

Phillip has told me I just need to get it "out of my system" and offered himself as a solution. My bet is that he'd like to get me out of his system instead, knowing that of course means that he has no intention of sticking around once he's had his jollys. I tried to explain to him before, I'm not available for that but he doesn't get it. But I'll admit to being frustrated. There just isn't a solution for me right now.

Tomato, in an episode that I shouldn't have been smart enough to leave before occurring, told me I was afraid to get hurt. He's right, and who isn't? I even came to that inevitable conclusion on st. Patrick's day. But a few days ago I saw a video on conquering fear of failure and felt inspired to master it, although I don't have a clue where to begin.

When I told my father that I had made plans to see Hua and had an online date later on in the week, he shouted at me. It was more of an exclamation and it wasn't really anger. Just frustration for me. One of the things I remember, "Stop doing things you know are dumb!" I laughed, he was right. but he continued, apologizing for telling me things I already knew. "Stop hanging out with people who don't appreciate you." Now, to ever say that to myself would sound like arrogance to me but I have to concede a bit. I'm the author of my own fate and any ill that befalls me is my own fault. The time spent alone the last few weeks is my own fault, unless I could learn to, I guess, follow Masato's suggestion. But I did the right thing and didn't go to see Hua. And I canceled my date. And I'm not going to let myself get angry or needy or jealous at my friends to make up for it. It's pathetic to think that everything would be alright hiding in those relationships. Besides, if they've boarded up their sides, why haven't I?

I'm going to trrrrrrrry to keep up my effort to look nice at church and work hard at eating regularly and waking up every day. My room is 90% finished and I'm going to try to not let work or Animaid consume my life instead of living it.

Sometimes though, I think that even doing all that will still leave me feeling "poor me". Even though I know it won't be forever, I'm still pretty lonely. And I really have no one to blame but me.

In other news, yesterday the CEO called started to question me on what value I have over the phone. And I couldn't sleep last night because of some weird hay fever or sinus infection I picked up. Also, I stupidly volunteered to bake a cake for the church thing tomorrow morning at 9 am. I just saw pictures of three of the ones other girls are bringing and I'm convinced I'll never be a wife. Really, it's hard to see what there is to 'appreciate' right now. Makes it hard not to want to spend time people who don't.
.......... lol

You see? Poooooooooooooooor Casey.

Saint Failure?

I am really so bad at planning parties. Why do I try? Last minute or far in advance, I don't seem to be the kind of person who can gather others together for an evening.

And why do I not have more girl friends? I always think I have plenty but when I'm going down my list of phone numbers of people to invite... The people who attend my stuff must feel like I'm a huge flirt. Or that I only throw sausage fests. OR maybe I feel that way because whenever I plan something, the first question asked is, 'will there be any pretty girls there'. And I think "... no...? Just my friends?" Then I try to calculate how many of them are there and how many are cute and then how many are single. It just never crosses my mind. But maybe that's why I'm no good at these things.

And I don't care to go to the cowboy event for MSAs. It's St. Patrick's day for goodness sake. What's so wrong about celebrating that? It's my families culture after all. Last year we played kool-aid pong...

Sitting in the Car

It was an 12 hour work day but that's okay. I like my Friday night routine where I get the office to myself and finish off the work that only I can do. It makes me feel like I have job security.

The way home it was sprinkling pretty consistently but just light enough I didn't need my windshield wipers to run automatically. I took the freeway home (because I didn't think traffic would be very heavy and I felt confidence in skipping Kai's house) and I saw a sign saying to report drunk drivers and a cop car passed on the other side of the partition. It made me begin to compose a text message in my mind to Jeremy that I delivered when I got parked at home about being careful tomorrow when he (inevitably) gets wasted on st. patrick's day and drives himself home.

Parked as I was, I pondered how I still think there's something going on that prohibits him from chatting with me like we used to. After a few minutes I realized the reason why I hadn't gotten out of the car yet was because I was waiting for him to text back and call me a dork. He could already be dead, I thought. I considered sending Tim a similar message but stopped when I remembered how unforgiving he told me he wants to be. He wouldn't take any warm wishes from me well. I thought about how I should finally respond to Leonard about how trying to not start a conversation is the same as being defensive in this case, just not as fearful. But that would be a pointless text.

It started to rain even harder and my arm hurt in a strange way. I laughed out loud when I realized that I was actually sore from playing frisbee last night. That's pretty pathetic. But it's a nice feeling to be running again. To bring everything full circle, I laughed again when I noted how pointless it would be to text Stephen to drive safely and not binge. lol.

My phone called out to say I have a text.
I had forgotten that I was still waiting for a response from Jeremy and I was pleased and surprised... but nope. Instead it's Kchan asking about the maid idol contest. I quickly reply. I smile at her response. Then get out of the car into the heavier rain and walk home with my hood drawn up around my ears. Cause it would be silly to wait there until I fell asleep again and caught a cold.

Promise you won't get mad but...

Someday I'll learn my lesson.
Don't stay out after midnight. People become jerks.

Confirmed

Confirmed. It is the little things.

My first temp job after college was alphabetizing near where I lived at home. Life was plain, repetitive, and tinted with concern over my future career. I wasn't necessarily depressed, but not happy. My Dad took me out for Panda Express one evening and it didn't occur to me at the time that he did it to make me happy. It worked though- I was feeling so much lighter while eating one of my favorite 'little things'- beef and broccoli it was like magic. During a lull in the conversation I remember my dad watching me eat away happily. He said, "You not like your mom. It doesn't take much to please you." I ponder than from time to time. sometimes I think that's true and other times not. But if it were, then it would just have to be the *right* thing even if it isn't much.

Like tonight. He doesn't know it but I got my favorite 'little thing'. It's private, but it makes me happy. Happy for miles.

Little Things

Maybe this isn't as obvious as I thought. Commercials and valentines day cards have been saying it for years so why is it people forget to easily?

Saying "thank you" or "goodnight". When someone drops you off at home and waits for you to unlock the door before driving away. Or when someone remembers something you like or did. it always surprises me when someone asks, "so how did that thing go?" What about invitations for late night food runs. A silent invitation to have someone put their arm(s) around you. Or even, asking for what you've been politely waiting for like, "come here". Noticieing something small you worked hard on or care about. ******# was always good at that.  He noticed my flat shoes when we went out. and made me feel comfortable with and without my glasses. For some reason that's important to me.

I liked the jingle of my phone saying I have a text message and your name popping up. Because you don't have any real reason to text me, you just want to. I dunno, it's exiciting to flip open my phone and wonder what you're thinking about that would involve me. It's just nice to know you have my phone number.

I'm not asking for anything. I'm just saying the little things would make up for a lot.

Ihop

I had a dream that I had been in a relationship for a year. For some reason I was a guy at first. I went on a trip for work for a week and when I cam back, my girl had gotten engaged to a guy she had been in love with a year before. I was upset of course (and then became Casey again). Kchan and my little sister's best frined in high school, (my roommates?) tired to cheer my up as I lay in bed sorrowing. But they couldn't do anything. Which was okay because the first thought that came to my mind was that I didn't miss him/her as much as I did Kai. And also because Jeremy was coming. Which he did, and he was uncharisctaristicly sweet. At first he tried to take me out to eat but we couldn't pick a place. so instead he laid me with him in a big bed for an afternoon nap. While I was trying to sleep with the SUN IN MY EYES I heard my little sister's friend explain to onlookers that Jeremy was a friend that came over when I was feeling down. When I was tired of trying to sleep, he took me to the hospital. It was a whole deal talking to the doctor about my weight even though I was getting taller and 'hitting puberty'. But as I was leaving the hospital, (Jeremy and David Chitister had been tricked into a seminar about weight gain and I had just escaped some mis-begotten Valpak presentation from the doctors) I wandered around hollywood. In a studio where there were short models and guys that could ta dance, all my age. It was like seeing all the artistic success of my highschool friends under one roof. and I wanted to be a performer again for some reason. As I left, these three actors came out right behind me, jokeing and laughing. I pretended to to accidentally hit one of them with a coat over my shoulder so I could show that i too, had a dramatic side. They laughed and said I had mastered "Physcial Ambeufgeljsb" something. As I walked off laughing into hollywood alone again. but feeling much better  I got a text from Jeremy saying they were wondering where I was because they were waiting for me at Ihop.

Now I'm up. I'm going to Ihop.
Only the weird thing is now I'm thinking about Leonard Tim and Stephen.

No poet

Sigh. I don't have all the answers. Perhaps I should have... oh well. too late now. What should I do?

I guess I'll do my best? And try to fix what I've done wrong? That's all anyone can do.

I wish all choices were like buying a candy bar. I might regret picking this one, but since I already ate it, I can't go back. But in life, with that pesky "time" dimention added to the other human ones, choices can be changed. or at least adjusted somehow. And i'm a fixer.

Time to go home! Goodnight.

No texts.

Huh.
It's... I don't know how I feel about this. Today I recieved no text messages from anyone. I thought my phone had died or may have been on silent, but no- not one. At least not from a real person. I got an automated message that turned out to be spam.

I didn't even really chat with anyone today. Jeremy came online around 7pm to ask me how my weekend was but that's about it. A few empty sentences. Of course, writing this will guarantee I get no more for the evening and since it's already almost 10pm, it wouldn't make a huge dent anyway.

Most of the day I spent fretting about this new problem I have at work. But wondering about how long I'll be there for does make m e want to work harder. I didn't go home til around 9. I also spent a good amount of time imagining things I would say to Aino to help her understand what a royal pain she's becoming. I love her, but her immaturities are running a little rampant and it's getting on my nerves. Is there a kind way to say that? Probably not to someone without sense.

I was eating lunch today and I realized that other than my Dad and God, I don't have anyone to talk to right now. (I have Lisa, but she isn't really aware of anything going on and she's too busy right now for me.) And then I wonder, why do I have to think... "Does this make me sad?"

Yes, I confirm to myself, it does. But my instinct isn't to run out and beg for attention. On the contrary, when Jeremy chatted me this evening I thought to myself that I should let everyone move on. People touch base with old friends until they're gone and make new ones without thinking about it.

But I'm not really making any new friends. I'm just working. I don't know how I feel about this.

Cakey

Suddenly, I don't know what's going to happen with my job. Am I going to lose it soon? I'm terrified. BUt I actually wanted to write for a different reason.

Post-Oscar curiosity set in and I got 'The Help' on Netflix. Not what I expected but I got the jist of it from youtube clips much better. I don;t watch much if any TV anymore so billboards are pretty much my only was of determining what a movie is about. Anyway, throughout the story, the Maid's are terrified of letting anyone know that they wre the one's who were being interviewed for the book. BUt at the end, the community was so proud they signed a copy. I suddenly had the thought that a person's name is very precious. In the book/movie/play 1776 the head of the congress was the first to sign his name to the declaration of independence. They then joked about how Fat George might hand them all for this, but John Handcocks name was already on it- BIG AND BOLD. His name that he wrote with his hand. It touched me that the people would write in their own names- take ownership of what was in it.

If I ever taught a child's class, I would teach them that concept. That you should never forget to put your name on your paper's because that was something to take ownership of. To be proud of. That everything you ever write your name on, or sign, should be something you can proudly declaire is your own work.

I'm not perfect of course. I only wish I could be proud of or feel like I owned everything I've ever signed. It's a sin to cheat, but I'm sure I've done it. No different than anyone else of course- in one way or another.

When I was in highschool going to early morning seminary (I was barely awake most days) I heard a story about someone's interpretation of heaven. They said they were in a room full of little fileing cabniates like the dewey decimal cards they used to have. And when you pulled one out, there would be acts written on the cards lined up inside. A drawer for people you've introduced to the gosple, a drawer for people you've kissed, A drawer for however many times you lied or stolen in life. And then the interpretation said that Christ came and signed each and every card- his name under the deeds you did. And some of those cards were shameful.

Every since then, I've thought about that. And now I think about it with a little more depth, imagining what a signature means .

But more, what a name means. that it is yours. I learned in my family history class that in The Church, when we do baptisms on behalf of the dead, we absolutely must have the right information. The name and birthdate at least. When you are baptizing a person in the flesh who is alive, it's not required they pronounce it correctly. My father tells me this is because when a person has a body, then there is a direct association with the person receiving the blessings. But with a person who is passed on, when we act in their place, then the name become important. Otherwise we could just baptise Joe Andersen over and over and let that freebie go to whomever would accept it. But we don't do it wily-nilly. Instead we have done great research to make sure no one is forgotten. That all who would accept it can have the ability to.

I know that people like Leonard would think I'm brainwashed. But when I say it like this and string these memories together, it really feels right. I feel at peace when I think about these things. I just don't get this feeling all the time. And if you know me, I'm prone to disbelieving my own feelings. I wouldn't even trust myself to say if I'm hungry or tired or sick or lonely. I doubt myself constantly. But this is something I just don't doubt. There isn't any need to.

Not long ago, however I was driving and the most insane thoughts came to my mind and I was deathly afraid of myself. I wondered who had taken over my brain to put such things into my head and then make me consider them. Dangerous and dark things- things that I know to be insane. As twisted as wondering why I should love my family, or protect my own well being. Why should I eat? Why should I be kind? Do I even know my Father? How can I know anyone? These are secret things, although I won't tell everything I thought. And it all came in a rush to me like an internal tsunami. I got over it though and hed to remind myself what I already knew. For one thing that I existed. I'm sorry, I know to anyone who has never had these thoughts it sounds like I need serious therapy. I might, but not for this. It was just a glitch in the matrix and before It happened, I myself would have thought it was ludicrous. But try not to judge me here, I'm trying to make a point.

That when we try to remind ourselves of who we are, we say our names. If I remain a good person and do my best, I may yet be blessed with the chance to change my last name. But I know I'll always be Casey Jillaine. Casey because it's neither feminine nor masculine- a nothing name, like my mother wanted. And Jillaine- my mother's best and perhaps only female friend. She was bright and pretty, I only met my namesake once, accidentaly in a gas station drugstore. Only a brief moment as I think my mom and she aren't close anymore.

Professor Rush called me "kiddo". My Dad calls me "Casey Jill". My Big brother calls me "Cakey".

And that's what I think about during the last 5 minutes of "The Help".