Awkward silences rule?

Wow- I feel like I’m losing my friends at an increasingly rapid pace. Not misplacing them or even not liking them anymore- but needing to stop talking to them for sure. Is this the face of a person who gets run over a lot? I guess the tire marks don’t make good makeup. I have three.

So, I have a date tonight. Weird. Mostly because he asked… in such a manly way. I mean, if I hated his guts I would have accepted, just to honor the awesome that is this request. It was…so nice.

For some reason I’m the slighted bit relieved that when I met him I was a total mess. Because now anything I do has to be better than I was. Gobs of liner mushed under my eyes that I tried to distract from by adding more gobs on top of my eyes, probably a few tear streaks hopefully interrupted by the addition of blush. It was like putting makeup on a ruffled duck. I didn’t shave but I had Band-Aids on my legs from bug bites I’m still recovering from (I was wearing a white skirt). And my shoddy outfit I wore all day was cute in theory, but I think I must have smelled like the cold Santa Monica beach. Not to mention when light thin blonde hair meets the clammy outside winds of nature, it gets stringy and flat.
The last two weeks or so, all I’ve been doing is pushing a brush through my hair so I don’t even know how that’s going. It’s just not worth it to check.

So if you can imagine all that- that’s how it was. On top of which, I thought I blew our conversation near the end. Stumbling over embarrassing accomplishments and weak observations. I excused myself to go home before I was really ready because I was tired (and pretty emotionally weak also considering I hadn’t eaten one crumb since noon the day before and it was now 10:10pm)

“Meh” I thought. “Another one bites the dust.” It didn’t bother me too much. I tried to stop punishing myself for another awkward social encounter and be proud of myself that even despite the drama of the day- a nice guy asked for my email. Yay! I’m still semi-attractive. I didn’t reaaaaaally think he’d remember my name. When I left him, he didn’t look like he thought so either. So I didn’t think much of it when I was looking at some pictures of the event, saw his name on the artists list, and friended him on facebook.

About 24 hours later I got a message. Now, my experience in these situations is that the person of interest will come up with a reason to chat with me if we happen to be online at the same time. “Oh hey! Did you see the pictures of the event? I thought you might want the link because you were there. Hahaha. Semi-witty banter. Inside jokes from our only conversation. Rib rib, more things I remember. Yeah I remember that too. Awkward silence.” Ok, I guess no one can say ‘awkward silence’. Just kinda pause. This pattern can continue for a few hundred months, or if they are being manly, they’ll pluck of the courage to suggest doing something together.

Uh, none of that happened this time. I have gathered (because I’m one smart cookie) that he is 38. A few years outside my real comfortably zone (10 years older max and if you can’t do math- he is 13 years older). Nevertheless, this must account for the directness that I find so appealing. I got a message:

“You know... it's kinda hard to forget your email address when you beat me to the punch by friending me on facebook first. :P

I'd like to see you again. Coffee... Hot chocolate... Long walk without a destination in mind?

~l”

HoMaiGoodnessDidAnybodyHearThat?! It sounded like… a bang? Did this guy really just unabashedly fire his gun at me? How could I avoid a shot like that? Why would I even want to?

Wither I know we’ll work out in the long term or not (we won’t) is irrelevant in this case. I thought about it for some time, then responded. I’m sort of excited. I wonder what a real man is like…

*Edit* Holy frik. I just found the stats page on blogger. What is wrong with you people? O.o I know I have a lot more entries here than the dating blog but the number of hits in this steam pile of emo mush can’t be more than the bitter rantings of my social life. These numbers are really silly…

My heart on the line

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?


And it was my heart on the line
You really f***ed it up this time
Didn’t you, my dear?

A fill-in.
That’s what he called me.


Why couldn’t he just let me pretend we had something good?

Pathetic

Ok, maybe I figured it out.
Maybe it’s pathetic.
Alright, it’s really pathetic.

But I’ve figured it out.
I let him abuse me because at least he seems interested. Even if it’s completely convoluted and demeaning way- there is juuuust enough of a hint of interest in me. Even though I have no idea why- I guess I don’t need to know. He has taken all my exes on as ‘competition’. Particularly ***. Even though he’d never admit to being jealous, he needs motivation to become ‘more awesome’ than he already is.

And when you have no confidence, are feeling worthless, and as hopeless as I have been recently- you’ll take any form of acceptance. As though, if this relationship doesn’t work, nothing else ever will. So as long as he keeps asking me out, I’ll say yes. Is that what this is?

That’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Don’t I have any more self worth than that?

dump truck

What is wrong with me?
Seriously? Well today started off bad. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.
This week I’ve been battling a failing heart. I can’t say I’m getting worse but I can’t say I’m getting better either.

The blog ***** gave me is gone. I don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t want me to be a part of that life anymore. So, no peace from that.
I tried to call my father this morning but I only got his voicemail. Just left him a nice “I love you” message. So, no comfort there.
And for some weird reason, I can’t find the new Naruto chapter. So, not even a simple distraction.

All I can think today is whaaaaaaat eeeevaaaaaaaaah. Just wanna roll over and die. Not so much because I don’t want to live, but time in painful. I hate this waiting. Waiting until this feeling is gone.

I have a ‘date’ tonight with someone I can’t stand. Everyday I ask myself, why am I still talking to this idiot? How can I even explain what is so obnoxious about him? I get the feeling he’s using me for his own entertainment. Demanding things like, “I’m bored. Tell me something interesting.” “I’m hungry. Bring me dinner.” “You’re such a dork. You never have enough time for me.” “You’re just jealous you’ll never be as awesome as me.” Dork geek nerd stupid. I GET IT. When I try to talk to him about things that are important to me or even little things like how my day is going, he doesn’t care. He says he can’t do anything about it and it’s my business. So my life really doesn’t affect him.

I don’t know what he wants from me. One moment I’m too bizarre and the next he’s complaining I never message him first. He say’s he wants me to be his “adventure buddy”. But honestly, and I know this makes me into a horrible person- I don’t need adventure. I want security. I’ve been thrown around in life enough already. I’m not interested in trying new clubs, hiking, or constantly trying to prove how my life is interesting enough for someone else. This is why I don’t like to hang out with ‘normal’ people and tell them about the maid café. They look at me like I’m a freak. So if he thinks I’m such a freak, why does he bother talking to me? I don’t get it. So day after day I take his whiney ‘tude and abrasive foolhardy nature.

But why am I doing this to myself? I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not attracted to him. Even seeing his name pop up makes me cringe. I can acquiesce with the theory I’m terrible at leaving people. But even after this much abuse I can normally step away or hide sufficiently from a person.

But as it stands, he’s also my only regular source of conversation. Feeling lonely and miserable as I am- I’d like it if he’d be a friend I could confide in. and I keep trying to make him into something he’s not. In the end I’m left alone again. Wanting this limbo time to be over. Maybe his exploitation is preferable to being alone.

Something has to be wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people seriously? I like people- in general. I see them and understand them from a nice distance. At least once a day, someone asks me for help or advice or comfort and I can do that pretty well. But what makes it so impossible for me to see possibility in anyone?

This is all an emo rant I’m sure. But who the hell reads this anyway? It’s just me basically I think. If you really do keep up with this crap, I suggest you stop. Because if I was going to write about what was ‘going on’ with my life… well, I’m not going to do that. So stop looking. If you want to know how I’m ‘feeling’, this isn’t a good place to tap into that either. I have no reason to spend the time to write here if I’m feeling well or just ordinary. You have to understand this is probably just a dumping ground only for when I feel so much I can’t keep it inside anymore. The image that comes to mind is a dump truck full of dirt. And when the truck is so full up it starts to mound over the edge, I have to scrape that top stuff off- like a cup of flour. And where better to put all the excess than here?

What am I going to do? Or, what should I do?

What I will do is hide in my head, continue letting this guy abuse me, stay in this awful job, wait for the pain to go away, and keep holding my phone to my heart so I know right away when I get a text that says, “Goodnight Miss Casey. ”

Remebering I'm not Stupid

So I just got seriously talked to by Howard about my eating habits. "You don't remember the things you don't want to. You have no excuses, I know you're not stupid."

He’s right.

And I really need to find a way to stop myself from crying. Not that I did, but in the middle of his speech I think I was about to.

He’s right. It’s true I forget things and I feel stupid about it- but I don’t forget the things I care about. If my brain deems it uncomfortable, disturbing, or not worth the time of day, I’ll forget. Of course, into that black hole will sometimes slip things that I love, and the more I forget, the more good stuff leaves me. But he’s right. I’m also not stupid. I could make the time to get up in the morning and make an egg. It’s probably cheaper than the bagel everyday anyway.

I have the time, just not the discipline. Which I‘ve always loathed about myself. I think most people hate weakness in themselves but it’s always been a particular weak spot with me. If you’re new to this blog, please read the entry on marketing myself. Where was I going with this?

Ah, the only thing I hate worse than LOOKING bad is BEING bad. I was always afraid of my mother’s punishment as a kid if I didn’t do something right. So for the most part if I did something, I wouldn’t show her. Or anyone, if it wasn’t ready. And I’d slave over things until it was ready for presentation. I shouldn’t blame my vicious mother though.

So how do I make myself want to do things that are good for me? Stuff that is hard that I don’t like? Even something as simple as getting up a little earlier to make breakfast, or eating dinner (no matter what it is) as soon as I get home?

Sigh. A husband is not a regulator. A boyfriend is not an alarm clock. A friend is not discipline.

Haircut x

I had several dreams last night.

One had Kchan & Kerry. I don’t think their office really looks like a well-lit version of Apria Healthcare where I used to work the mailroom some 6 years ago. But Kchan was dressed in a pretty suit, and Kerry laughed and smiled while I sat on a copier and laughed with them. I was Happy to see Kchan so happy.

Another is I told Gilbert why I was so mad at him. *shake fist* truthfully, I don’t know if he knew what we were planning. And I wonder if it’s too late and I’ll look like a copy cat. Anyway, in the dream he said he could help our plan come life. Oh well. This is idea will probably go the way of the balloon shoot.

These two, I think, were just part of a much bigger dream. Animaid was invited to perform at a big park. But we had time to shoot the girls again in their Lolita charm dresses. But to my dismay, my bio mother came to spoil the party. Aka- ‘spend the day with me’. I really hate that woman. I remember one part when we were crossing the street she says, “HAHAhAH Casey you always sound so nervous around me. Even on the phone. What is wrong with you?! HAHAHA.” I glared at her back and wished as hard as all get out I could tell her why I sounded that way with her, and to tell her to get lost.

Hm. Snippets of John, Aino, Chiyo, more Kchan, Elle, ect. All the animaid folks. It was a big long dream. But somewhere in there I realized it was a nightmare trying to spend that much time with my mother. Never again.

Anyway. On to the main point. I’ve been wanting to come back and write in here all weekend. Hoping to put into writing (what’s the word for that? Li-something? Legate? ) how I’m feeling.

So, I cut off all my hair. Yep. Like 5 inches. Chopped. In an A-line so it’s short in the back and long on the sides. Possible reasons?

- I don’t like myself. Maybe I’m just frustrated with who I am and wanted a major change to shake up my life. Getting a hair cut that’s shorter and more stylish than I’ve ever had before is really a huge change for me.
- I miss that boy. They say to get over someone it’s good to start life fresh. Re organize your room, buy new clothes, start eating healthy…Get your hair cut. You’ll feel like a new person… is it working?
- I have no one to impress since my heart was broken. If I can’t have him, then why not ruin my life so it’s not worth having any more? Does that make sense? I’m frustrated with being lonely and misshapen. So, like any emo teenager, I took it out on my hair.
- I’m tired of compliments. This, I know most people would never understand. What’s wrong with a compliment? You know, it’s really weird. As much as I like to hear support and all that- I have no ability to accept it. It’s like that function in me is broken. My face gets all red and my brain shuts down. I’m never really sure if it’s a good thing or not considering my reaction. And growing up as you know, I was not a pretty little girl. I was funny and wise and kind. But never pretty. And NEVER hot. And now, I don’t know what to do when people tell me they want to see me with long hair. It scares me- what if I fail? So cut it off. Let me go back to just being funny.
- I needed a haircut. That’s possible. Plus, do you know how hard it is to care for long hair like mine? Ug. Takes forever. I would know- I had long hair for most of my life. I don’t really want to go back to that.

I’m almost certain no one but me will like it. And honestly, I don’t even know if I like it- I just don’t care. If I know no one else will like it, and I’m stuck with it for the next 5 months or so, then why depress myself thinking about how cute or not it is? It’s functional for sure. I don’t even need conditioner. Or a brush. That’s how short it is.

So in conjunction with all the reasons (and it could be all or none of those), I do not want to see anyone for a while. Avoid the compliments. Or non-compliments. Which are just as bad.

But Jeremy still wants to see me. I’ll like to slug him in the face these days, but I’ve already made the date. Oh well. His loss.

Onward.

Ps. I cleaned my room finally. It’s nice. Even though I think I was only able to get through it because I was so brain-dead I was only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, thus I wasn’t distracted. Also, to stay away from that boy, I’ve had to stay away from the internet. Which frees up a lot of time.