Monster Girl

So I have this thing. I feel like a monster.
Have you ever felt that way? Like a monster?
I must be. When I look at the world, I must see it differently from other people because when they talk about it, it’s not at all what I see. And somehow I’m the one who ends up wrong. So I must be the villain in this story. Not the hero, not the princess. But a baby dragon that has to be tamed like her mother never was.

So my mom really activated her Bi-polar disease around the time she had her third child- a few years younger than I am now. Dad and I monitor my moods and thoughts to make sure that if that ever happens to me, I won’t destroy my already delicate life. But generally it’s brough on by a huge emotional upheaval- like childbirth.

On a semi- related note, my eye has been twitching when I get stressed lately. Some time last week it was tweaking like crazy. I felt like I was having a neurological issue. Just too da*n much to think about these days. I can’t seem to sort anything out. and now I’m answering questions with the first that comes to mind- which might not be the entire truth. I’m terrified I’m going to do something wrong. Like I’m out of control. Perhaps far the directing guidance of the spirit.

Why can’t I get back to work? I can’t seem to get myself to stay on track for long.

My friend Jeremy and I are drifting apart. I’m sure I’m starting to bug him. Although I’m as sure of how that is happening just about as much as I knew why he bothered to hang with me to being with. Aka- I have no idea.

You know every valentines day I don’t really care. Admittedly I get a big disappointed, but nothing awful. I’ve never had a boyfriend over valentines day and I don’t intend to have one this year. But then, within the last year I’ve had a lot more drama and activity going on in that area. And I even got flowers last year. I hate to try to compare but I’m positive according to the way I’ve been feeling lately, that I’ll be sad this year. For whatever reason, someone I want can’t be with me. So I’ll sit at home and think about him.

It’s funny. I’m not even allowed to be proud of myself anymore. nothing I ever do Is enough. All I want to do is go home, sleep, and wake up to work and try again. Not because I love it but because I can’t stand this failure. I know it must be my period talking. I am feeling and thinking things that are unexplainable. Am I hungry or worried or sick or dizzy? I want to see to make all this go away. It’s like wanting to commit suicide without the thought ever crossing your mind. Just this urge to end the confusion. There is no end to this fight and no reward for doing well. that’s why I have to get out. I’m not a drone enough to be able to emotionally survive on this. Jeremy says I’m ungrateful. I’m glad I have a job, but is it so much to ask for something right for me? Not just any job? Gonna call dad to share my crazy.

Well dad says I have nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing to apologize for. whileI recognize I still could have handled things better, until I’m away from aunt flo, I’m going to cling to that. And he still thinks I can get a new job. I better get on that asap.

Also rusty got drugs the day of. I want drugs the day of…

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

My eye is twitching these days about decisions to make.
What do you think?
Should I fight this awk middle length to have Long hair? Should I even be asking? Should I keep this blog? Or make it private at last?
Should I go to the movie tonight, ice-skating with the ward, or gather to celebrate aino’s birthday when, I really don’t feel like doing anything at all.
And other stuff I can’t talk about.
Maybe I just have too many options. Need to close some of them off.
But what I wouldn’t give to be outside today. But If I had the day off, I’d probably spend it in bed with the blankets over my head and Spencer the bear crunched up in my face.

“I am Beautiful Day”

SO I just got invited to a Fb event called “I am Beautiful Day”- a day where women celebrate how beautiful they are. I didn’t read the whole description but I bet they mean both inside and out. and that every girl is pretty and unique in her own way.

Ignoring the idea that I don’t find myself very beautiful and that there are many women who shouldn’t ‘flaunt what they “got”’, I also have to consider that though there must be a % of people from the about 12,400 people attending this that are no so pretty on the inside either.

Some of the kinds of women who go to these kinds of events are essentially celebrating themselves. 12,400 people who have chosen to join such an event- not because they have self esteem issues, but exactly the opposite. They think enough of themselves to say, “Yeah! I am beautiful! Let’s do that! I’d like to celebrate me!”

It brings to my mind an image of women much like the one who invited me to the event- self indulgent, lazy, and unfortunately ugly woman- inside and out. I can see masses of them sun bathing and fanning themselves on “I am Beautiful day” putting their noses up at the hired help and bashing the skinny girls in the magazines they bought to learn tips on how to manipulate your man into being the Romeo you always wanted. Maybe shouting ‘YOU GO GIRL’ at each other.

Here is what I think they should be celebrating: Let’s be Beautiful Day. How about being kind and understanding and patient? That’ll make you feel beautiful.

Look, I know the importance of *feeling* pretty from time to time. I don’t mind feeling pretty (until someone says it out loud. Then I get all kinds of shy >///<). But in truth, I’ll put on sexy underwear or long socks to walk around in to feel pretty from time to time. I get the effort here. And I can’t condemn their attempts in any way. I’m sure it’ll be good for someone to remind themselves that all hope is not lost. I’m only commenting on what came to mind when I read it. And that image is now stuck in my head enough to convince me not to join “I am Beautiful Day”.

Yes

Ssometimes I think I really want a boyfriend because then, I would never ever have to say 'no' to him.
I could say, "I'm sorry" to everyone else, but not to him. I think I want to be the kind of girlfriend who always says 'yes'.

Like my parents. When they held their first grandchild my dad said the line he'd be aching to for years-

"My name is Grandpa and this is the last time you'll ever hear this from me- 'no.'"