Monster Girl

So I have this thing. I feel like a monster.
Have you ever felt that way? Like a monster?
I must be. When I look at the world, I must see it differently from other people because when they talk about it, it’s not at all what I see. And somehow I’m the one who ends up wrong. So I must be the villain in this story. Not the hero, not the princess. But a baby dragon that has to be tamed like her mother never was.

So my mom really activated her Bi-polar disease around the time she had her third child- a few years younger than I am now. Dad and I monitor my moods and thoughts to make sure that if that ever happens to me, I won’t destroy my already delicate life. But generally it’s brough on by a huge emotional upheaval- like childbirth.

On a semi- related note, my eye has been twitching when I get stressed lately. Some time last week it was tweaking like crazy. I felt like I was having a neurological issue. Just too da*n much to think about these days. I can’t seem to sort anything out. and now I’m answering questions with the first that comes to mind- which might not be the entire truth. I’m terrified I’m going to do something wrong. Like I’m out of control. Perhaps far the directing guidance of the spirit.

Why can’t I get back to work? I can’t seem to get myself to stay on track for long.

My friend Jeremy and I are drifting apart. I’m sure I’m starting to bug him. Although I’m as sure of how that is happening just about as much as I knew why he bothered to hang with me to being with. Aka- I have no idea.

You know every valentines day I don’t really care. Admittedly I get a big disappointed, but nothing awful. I’ve never had a boyfriend over valentines day and I don’t intend to have one this year. But then, within the last year I’ve had a lot more drama and activity going on in that area. And I even got flowers last year. I hate to try to compare but I’m positive according to the way I’ve been feeling lately, that I’ll be sad this year. For whatever reason, someone I want can’t be with me. So I’ll sit at home and think about him.

It’s funny. I’m not even allowed to be proud of myself anymore. nothing I ever do Is enough. All I want to do is go home, sleep, and wake up to work and try again. Not because I love it but because I can’t stand this failure. I know it must be my period talking. I am feeling and thinking things that are unexplainable. Am I hungry or worried or sick or dizzy? I want to see to make all this go away. It’s like wanting to commit suicide without the thought ever crossing your mind. Just this urge to end the confusion. There is no end to this fight and no reward for doing well. that’s why I have to get out. I’m not a drone enough to be able to emotionally survive on this. Jeremy says I’m ungrateful. I’m glad I have a job, but is it so much to ask for something right for me? Not just any job? Gonna call dad to share my crazy.

Well dad says I have nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing to apologize for. whileI recognize I still could have handled things better, until I’m away from aunt flo, I’m going to cling to that. And he still thinks I can get a new job. I better get on that asap.

Also rusty got drugs the day of. I want drugs the day of…