Keeping the Buck

I can't seem to shake the 'poor me' mood today. I forgot my meds which turns me into mushy saddness anyway. I'm just trying not to do or say anything detrimental. Nothing permanant. Just do what I planned for the night and nothing else. Don't talk to anyone, don't make any weird fb posts, don't go crying for any reason. now that I'm home I should just bake the cake, shower, and go to bed. Anything other than that is a mistake.

Phillip has told me I just need to get it "out of my system" and offered himself as a solution. My bet is that he'd like to get me out of his system instead, knowing that of course means that he has no intention of sticking around once he's had his jollys. I tried to explain to him before, I'm not available for that but he doesn't get it. But I'll admit to being frustrated. There just isn't a solution for me right now.

Tomato, in an episode that I shouldn't have been smart enough to leave before occurring, told me I was afraid to get hurt. He's right, and who isn't? I even came to that inevitable conclusion on st. Patrick's day. But a few days ago I saw a video on conquering fear of failure and felt inspired to master it, although I don't have a clue where to begin.

When I told my father that I had made plans to see Hua and had an online date later on in the week, he shouted at me. It was more of an exclamation and it wasn't really anger. Just frustration for me. One of the things I remember, "Stop doing things you know are dumb!" I laughed, he was right. but he continued, apologizing for telling me things I already knew. "Stop hanging out with people who don't appreciate you." Now, to ever say that to myself would sound like arrogance to me but I have to concede a bit. I'm the author of my own fate and any ill that befalls me is my own fault. The time spent alone the last few weeks is my own fault, unless I could learn to, I guess, follow Masato's suggestion. But I did the right thing and didn't go to see Hua. And I canceled my date. And I'm not going to let myself get angry or needy or jealous at my friends to make up for it. It's pathetic to think that everything would be alright hiding in those relationships. Besides, if they've boarded up their sides, why haven't I?

I'm going to trrrrrrrry to keep up my effort to look nice at church and work hard at eating regularly and waking up every day. My room is 90% finished and I'm going to try to not let work or Animaid consume my life instead of living it.

Sometimes though, I think that even doing all that will still leave me feeling "poor me". Even though I know it won't be forever, I'm still pretty lonely. And I really have no one to blame but me.

In other news, yesterday the CEO called started to question me on what value I have over the phone. And I couldn't sleep last night because of some weird hay fever or sinus infection I picked up. Also, I stupidly volunteered to bake a cake for the church thing tomorrow morning at 9 am. I just saw pictures of three of the ones other girls are bringing and I'm convinced I'll never be a wife. Really, it's hard to see what there is to 'appreciate' right now. Makes it hard not to want to spend time people who don't.
.......... lol

You see? Poooooooooooooooor Casey.