"Eugene Eugene" is a Musical. Google it.

mmh. Where to start?

At around 4pm today I became swiftly and terribly sick. Sick to my stomach and dizzy with a headache. And I knew why it had happened because they were the kind of symptoms I have when I have officially overworked my nerves with no regard to caring for my body. And I'll admit it, I am WAY over stressed right now. Even if I had not come in to work today, I could have clocked 38 hours. What with the maid cafe reving up in all the wrong ways, the sudden but passive-agressive job offer, and the impending doom of the Easter Recital looming on the horizon, I am just a few eye-ticks away from  a burn-out. It's not a lot to do really, I'm just doing what I do best- worrying. Which makes me place the needs of my body on the back burner. Who needs to shower when there's so many spelling errors?

I don't often get little warning signals like a rumbly tummy to know it's time to eat. It's after 2 days of living on pretzel sticks and hot chocolate powder feeling nothing and suddenly it's like a shovel has been thrust into my gut and I might die in the next 20 minutes if I don't eat something. It's that sudden and severe. But since everyone needs me constantly, I don't really get a break. I don't actually think my co-workers believed me when I said I needed to go home on time tonight. They must have thought I was sneaking out.

And I was and I wasn't. Although I still felt dizzy and sick, I drove downtown to meet up with Eugene to see GreenDay the Musical. Independent of our mutual acquaintance we keep up from time to time. While I was in my car fixing my makeup I realized I was nervous. Nervous because I don't know why he invited me. Sloppy seconds? Not for dating of course, my instinct isn't hinting at any romantic intentions at all. But I do take pride in being the good girl friend. Someone you can take out on the town and be proud of, enjoy yourself with when your hot date falls through to wash her hair. Casey will be there to pick up her slack and let you be free from any commitment or drama. Just go and enjoy your evening. If that's the case here, then that's definitely fine, I just hope I'm fun and cute enough to keep the title.

Especially since I unarguably and unequivocally have been replaced by Train Girl. So perfect is the hole I left filled by TG that it's almost humorous. And I can roll my eyes and laugh about it right now because I'm learning that when dealing with certain people, you just can't afford to be a leaky bucket. In those cases, if you're lucky to catch any rain, you'd better hold on to it for the imminent draught like the one I'm in now. But once said, (and I waited a good long time to hear it) I'll hold on to that nice phrase. Even when so obviously substituted, I'm going to remember that text that said I am important.

I never said so in this blog, did I? That a few weeks ago my heart was crushed when my phone blipped out and erased every last text message I had in there. Hundreds of the sweetest memories I had kept just to read to myself, to keep me company and make me smile- gone. I had saved so many lovely phrases on that phone. Even ones that wouldn't matter to anyone but me. Like my first text message from Masato as my official boyfriend. The one that Tim sent me NYE 2011 when he called me Venus and said I made his year more beautiful. Or the one where Jeremy sent me a picture of the ice skating rink because I told him if we were still friends in a month, I'd go with him. A few months later I begged his moral approval to text Kai when I missed him so bad I couldn't breathe. Jeremy came right out, brought me beef jerky and coconut milk, and watched me cry in my car. I had one from Alana after I tripped down the stairs in front of everyone after leading the music in church and the congregation all waited to see if I was okay. One from Chris's little brother Geoff who said I gave him his favorite nick-name "gorilla baby". I kept the one from Kenny that said he was sorry he couldn't join me at Comic Con and one from Stephen when he thanked me for going to sushi with him. He said it was sexy of me. Stupid stuff like that, more serious ones... that all meant a lot to me.

It was one in the morning when it happened and I couldn't help absolutely breaking down into devastated tears. I know I said I'm tired of crying over nothing but that night I think was justified. I have a lot of online conversations saved from some of my most important relationships, but these texts were more important to me than any gift I could keep in a box. How will I ever be able to replace them? Even if I could ask for them again... well I can't. But since then, I have tried to collect some... the one where I'm referred to as 'babe' is my favorite. But it took me more than a week to be able to look at my phone and not feel a pang about how empty it is now. Irreplaceable trinkets.


Oh dear. Look at the time I wasted. I have to get up tomorrow and I didn't eat much.


All I really meant to say was that I felt a little better when Eugene gave me his coat to wear, let me take his arm, and wanted to show me the bench from 500 Days of Summer.