Dig those CRAZY TUNES

Oi. I have a headache.
Let's see how this goes. I don't want to privatize this blog but certain events make it tempting. Very tempting.
I'm so particular about my privacy. Today I went to Ralph's to do some shopping and I did something I haven't done since I wandered the streets of Lawndale on Ventura: I listened to my ipod. I have a bad habit that once I own most songs, I get bored of them. I adore happening upon the ones I love most rather than having them all there at my bec and call.
But tonight I dipped my toes back into that dusty pool of music and had fun. I can't help it, when the music is so loud in my ears, I really feel like the world is gone. even though I can see it around me, I don't care about people seeing me practice "Ookina Ai" or hearing me sing in front of the cottage cheese. They're strangers and I'll never see them again. And when I'm so happy, I just don't care as much as a normal person should.

But I thought as I walked closer to home with the bags on my arms, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my playlist with anyone. In fact, in all the times of my life that I've been forced to, I get very embarrassed. I'l apologize for the random Anime-pop song or the animaniacs tunes. I'll blush when the next song is really the chapter to an audiobook. I don't really collect popular music. and when people suddenly want to hear my playlist, it isn't often that they want to hear the classical songs. So I struggled for a while. Then at some point I made a playlist of all the 'normal' songs that I could present to people. But the moment i made it, suddenly no one asked to hear what was on my playlist.

Now, consciously I say to myself that I understand my tastes are a strange blend no one can be expected to follow it. I think to myself that I don't need a significant other to really love Sailor V manga the way that I do. Or carrots, Or peach soda, or public transit. People could support me, but I have low expectations that someone might be willing to join me in all these things. Is that bad? Should I wait until I find someone who I feel I can share these things with openly without fear or do wait until someone forcibly pries it out of me like my playlists? Or was I right all along and it was fine to expect that no person could be expected to understand and appreciate some of these things.

But as I think about it I think about the stuff I like. I love hats and gloves and scarves. I love big hoop earrings and mint fudge but white hot chocolate. i like my hotdogs plain and my foreign films in their original language. I think asian women are the most beautiful creatures on earth but I don't care for lady bugs or strawberries. I'm a child when I play with bubbles in the sink but I'm dead serious when in a rehearsal. My new white shoes look like bunny feet on me and while I can't stand the idea of wasting 60 cents on junk food for myself, I won't blink when it comes to paying 60$ for my friend's dinner because their happiness is what I save up for. Goodness but this list makes me think too much about myself. In the name of attempting to be self-aware I suppose it's alright. Although I like myself fine, I doubt that others will.

Now that I think about it, my bio-mother told me that once when I first moved to L.A.; before I could find someone who'll love me, I'd have to put 'all that stuff' (she was referring to anime) behind me. Well that's once source not to trust. But she is a voice of the world.

Short hair, super skinny girl. Never quite the round peg in a round hole.



ps. I have GOT to get control of my libido. >_< DAMN DIRTY GIRL.