Rubbish I'm not sleeping.

How do other people do it?

Someone left a DVD at my house. I say, you can come to get it anytime.
They say, ‘anytime you’re free.’ Already I’m suspicious.
I don’t care when.
‘OK then Tuesday when you’re not busy.’
I really don’t care. You can come get it when you want to and Tuesday’s 3 days away.
‘Do you like peach cobbler?’
What am I supposed to say to that? That’s like asking if I like engagement rings. The implication is obvious, the answer is unavoidable, and the conclusion is inevitable.
Sigh. yes I like peach cobbler.
‘GREAT then I’ll make it for you! I’ll see you Tuesday.’
Do you see the problem here? All I wanted was to let you come pick up the DVD. I’m dead tired and frustrated. I need a long hot shower, I need to buy food (I haven’t had dinner in like 3 days), and I was supposed to help with the diorama set up tonight. I have stuff to clean and I don’t feel like having someone over. But what do I say? Don’t come get your DVD? Thanks for the sweet offer but I don’t like cobbler THAT much? It’s a sweet gesture I can’t refuse.

I admit, this feel like more of the specific RUBBISH I’ve been trying to avoid. I hate refusing people and I really don’t like being at my best with people who are trying to do a good deed. And honestly, he’s not doing anything wrong, I am just so dead tired right now.

This hasn’t happened to me much before but I’ve been sleeping poorly the last few days. Just kinda tossing and turning with worry. I kinda fall asleep but not really. And I woke up just…unhappy today. Frustrated again about FHE and how no matter the planning or how many people I have on the committee, I’m always left alone with a half-baked idea. If it turns out mildly successful, it’s luck. Kenny and Victoria and Youngmee were so much better at this than I am. I feel literally retarded or too young for this position...

At the same time I’m feeling old and pathetic as this GRN job continues. My 25th birthday will not be a happy one I think. I’ve pretty much purged any love I might have received on it. I guess my father might send me flowers. If I ask him to at least. You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend on my birthday. Of course those kinds of stupid thoughts are pointless because you could make that statement about almost any event or occasion. And I don’t really know why it would matter on a person’s birthday. But Luna got engaged last week on her birthday.

I guess it’s about turning an ordinary event into an extraordinary one. And opportunity to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is just because you love them. “Ah! Their birthday is coming up! Now I can do something special for them without looking desperate. XD “ And on that note it would be great to feel like I’m progressing in life in some way despite my creaking into my 25th year.

Oh dear. I’m not depressed (as I could have said the last month or so). Just… bushed.