Privacy on the Internet

You’ll laugh at me. But at one point in my life I thought the internet was a private place. Yes, you heard me. Private. A place for me to escape TO. When I was in highschool, we were all too busy to be online constantly. When I was in college, I was living in Idaho where tech is not anyone’s first form of communication. I mean, everyone is RIGHT THERE. No need to IM. And it was at that time that I opened up a deviant art account and a few years later a facebook page.

I think it all ended when I met face to face with my first internet friend Aino. Yes, you heard me right, aino and I met online. Technically speaking we’ve been friends for many years but it wasn’t until we decided to make a sailor moon movie (a project that was doomed from the get-go, little did I know) that we decided to finally meet. I was frustrated with the market and she had just broken up with her fiancé. The time to meet had come.

But it did change things. Suddenly, I couldn’t maintain an online persona that was free from life experiences. I couldn’t write about having a bad day anymore without receiving a worried phone call from my darling friend. Then, in the middle of our project we joined animaid café. And they became my facebook friends. And started watching my DA. And it starts to grow… suddenly I have no idea who can see what, what people know or don’t know about me, and pictures- BAD pictures are getting tagged of me left and right! I have no control over this anymore! So where should I go to save myself? Make a new private journal somewhere? I could write anon for YEARS and never get any feedback if I don’t make it semi-public. And then if I make it open and easy to find, I find myself exposing too many insecurities to people whose opinions matter most to me.

It didn’t occur to me my little sister would see my fb status and report back to my father I had fainted from lack of food. I can’t remember when I ever published secrets about myself (like the number of times I’d been kissed or how many relationships I’ve had FOR EXAMPLE) and somehow it was found.

I guess I can’t hide anything anymore. Is this a good or a bad thing? Doesn’t mean I still won’t try to find a happy medium. I miss my old community of online peeps only and the anonymity of feelings. I can be angry (for the mess in my house left over by guests) or sad (because of a pang of loneliness) or jubilant (when my heart skips a beat for the first time) without worrying if I always sound depressed or wither someone is going to want the details of my life. How will all this effect THAT person and my relationship with them? Will THAT person be upset I didn’t confide in them right away? Is it funny enough? I swear I’m a happy person. There’s just too much to think about.

You know the thing that worries me the most? This new person has all this information…but they don’t seem phased by it. Not at all.

Well, not yet.