I like, don’t, fear

Things I like, don’t like, and fears.

I like surprises but I hate being out of control. Which may seem contradictory. But it’s difficult to surprise me, and when someone finally does I never know quite how to react. I know that I supposed to pick an emotion at that time- fear, anger, joy, gratefulness- but mostly what I do it stare. And wait for the emotion to come to me. Then I realized that the person trying to surprise me is waiting for my reaction- I try to pick one but it ends up being a mess. Again, I LIKE surprises. I just go for flustered before anything else. Blushing, stammering, and attempting to express myself. I think I confuse people. I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do. And if I can’t figure out a way to positively express myself- people will stop trying to surprise me. And I love surprises.

I don’t mind really cold or warm weather. What I dislike is not being able to predict it – or worse, having it come in the wrong season. I am a much more at ease with the world when it’s sunny in the summer, and rightly rainy in the winter. I like rain, ok- I LOVE rain, even snow. But it irks me in the worst way when it comes in the middle of summer. And those people who rejoice in it make me want to smack them. I have no idea why. Things just should be the way they should be. Also, I have a pet peeve about people who complain about warm weather when they live in warm states. People in AZ have no right to complain if they have the ability to leave. Observably, they don’t know what it’s like to have your literal life stop in its tracks because of something falling from the sky.

When I was in school, I used to be afraid of rapists. But traffic in Idaho was minimal. Despite the fact that the entire county had had maybe 5 murder cases in the last 6 years (and knowing Idaho, it was probably some disgruntled wife who locked her husband out in March- freezing him to death by accident), my solution to having to walk next to dark gaps between buildings where the predators might lurk, I decided it would be best to walk in the middle of the street- on the side of the road that had on-coming cars, so I wouldn’t be hit from behind. This way, if someone sprang out from the corners, I could see them and get a head start on running away. Although, knowing me- I either wouldn’t run fast enough anyway, or I’d start to blush, stammer, and attempt to express myself.

I sleep curled up in a ball. Probably to keep warm, but when I sleep with someone else, I like to wrap all my limbs around them- legs, arms, face smushed in their neck. Then I don’t mind sleeping stretched out- I’m warm enough when I’m with someone. Also when I sleep with someone else, I don’t move. I’d die before I’d want to disturb them. I like to keep those moments forever.

I had a problem growing up, I could never see myself older than 16. So on the eve of my 16th birthday I cried myself to sleep. I was positive someone would either break through the window that night and kill me. Or someone was under my mattress waiting to stab me through it. at the time I also had a canopy bed, I thought, in the darkness, there must be a ninja up there waiting for me to pass out before dropping down on me. This happened often. For some reason both my bio brothers have a fear of death like me. It’s happened many times before when I was living at home, I’d come to dad in the night because of similar fears. I still get minor attacks once a year. Only now I live alone so I have to cry myself to sleep and thank God I lasted the night.