Just be Friends

Date report:
This was #3 with this person. He’s nice, creative, and sweet. Smart and we have a lot of the same interests. But I have to say I felt no spark beyond being very good friends. He was comforting and comfortable. Classy and manly, a complete gentleman with door openings and always letting me walk in front. Never inappropriate or too touchy. We did end up kinda leaning on (holding?) each other after our second date.

But he never called, texted, or chatted me between our dates- and it’s been 3 weeks since the last time I heard from him. I assume he was just taking me out out of convenience. And he just liked to go out. Or, I guess I hoped so. I’m really awful at being to tell when someone likes me- or the level that they do. That’s why I love directness. Saves me the trouble of guessing and feeling like an idiot.

We had a nice long conversation in a nice restaurant (that he was clearly not used to) until they closed and kicked us out. He told me he was a cancer survivor, confessed some secrets to me, and we got into some deep topics. And he even got me to confess things I thought I would NEVER say to a stranger. Even confessing what happened about a month ago. I was so uncomfortable at one point I almost cried. Lol. I didn’t, but that’s not new.

In retrospect, the only clues I could get that perhaps he was really into me for myself, was when we were in the middle of some conversations, I’d look away for a moment and when he’d stop talking I’d look back at him and he’d be staring at me. And after a few seconds he’d shake his head and ask me what we were just talking about. That’s partly my fault though- I was asking a lot of questions. Partly because he said I talked a lot… but then, consider what we talked about, I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a nice deep introspective conversation. He could just not be used to it.
He also said, that although he blocked my status updates on fb (they are too frequent), he had been checking almost everyday. When I took off my glasses he kinda looked at me funny. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without glasses other than your facebook pictures.” It’s not really a compliment, and I couldn’t see his face clearly when he said it (obviously) but I think it was a good thing. I think.

Then when he dropped me off (this was so cute) he hugged me and before he let me go, he brushed my bangs aside very gently with his fingers and asked (as always) if he could see me again some time. “So, I’ll see you… some time.. again? Right?” the ‘please’ was almost audible. It was adorable. That little revealed desperation couldn’t have been my imagination, could it?

I looked away and thought for a bit. This was date 3. I knew that how I felt wouldn’t change. It took guts but… I told him I hoped so, but I didn’t think as more than friends. But I’d like to see him again in the future, if he was okay with that. At this point I looked up into his face which was pretty close to mine. It might have been my imagination but… I could see his face and body flickered with pain. Even in the dark, he looked hurt... but he hid it best he could. Being very still.

He said he’d have to think about it. Think about it. After the nice times we’d had together, had I really hurt him enough so that he would have to consider being friends with me? Good moses, what could have been going on?!

Still, I nodded. I understood that sometimes it just won’t work. He really didn’t return my little hug goodbye. *sting*
As I was walking awkwardly away from his car, I was even stupid enough to say “See you later!...oh or…whatever…” He didn’t respond. Just watched me go inside.

It's an old expression but I feel like a heel.
I think he had really high hopes- higher than I anticipated. I always think people feel the same way I do when I don’t like someone. I mean, don’t they understand too that this won’t work? Outside of work, the only social conversations he has are about 5 minutes long with the girls he swing dances with once a week. He is secluded in his little apartment with never ending regulation and tempered peace and art on his walls.

I wish I could be a person to help him. But...
I’d like to be his friend. I just can’t do more than that.

Anyway, I'll have to trust his judgment. We are not in the same social circles so I’ll likely never seen or hear from him again.
But that really sucks.

I hate this…