Death Ribbon

This blog is a place to put my darkest thoughts right? When emotions run high and I just have to get it out? I'm going to write extemporaneously here and I don't have much of an idea about where it's going to go after I write down the thought that prompted it. But when I do, just nobody freak out, okay? It's just thoughts.

I was sitting feeling guilty again and wrapping this black ribbon around my fingers and I thought, "I wonder if my life will end in suicide?" In my head I pictured hanging myself with that black ribbon. Maybe an elegant replacement for a rope.

The concept of ending my life comes easily to me. The desire to be no more doesn't scare me at all. It's the actual process of going through with such a thing that keeps me alive I think. Even as a teenager I could never agree with myself about how to best go about such a thing because of how messy it would be. Sometimes when I feel intensely guilty and I curl up into a ball- even if I'm not alone, I feel depressed enough that if I had decided on a method of execution, I might go through with it. Sometimes I think that. There is probably a lot of other things involved in the process that would most likely halt me from really doing anything about it. Like thoughts of family, or hope of maybe I'm wrong to feel so bad. When I think that maybe I could be FORGIVEN however, the thought is swept aside. In that state of depression, forgiveness isn't even an option.

I know I am miles away from God right now. I have been for a while. I'm better than I was a few months ago and much better than I was when recouping from losing Kai. I'm not even getting warning signs from the Holy Ghost. So maybe He's given up on me too.

I think I'm a lost cause. But I'm still alive so... I guess I have no choice but to keep breathing in and out no matter how hypocritical or truly counterproductive it is.

I'm moving to Utah. Do you think I'll heal there? Or will my baddest instincts take advantage of the solitary life that's inseparable from being graduate student? Intellectually I feel really alone. Who can explain this to me so I can understand?  Who out there is smart enough and good enough to teach me what I'm doing wrong and how to combat this vice? It feels like no one I could talk to would understand. The only people I would tell are the people already encouraging me to keep going. It's not until they see me cry that they try to tell me everything is okay. It's not okay. It's not fine. I'm less and less of a person the more often I fail. What help could they offer? I have to shoulder my own yoke. Lord, it's getting so heavy.

I can't deal with it- I don't understand it. I'm not just a lost cause, I'm just plain lost.

I'm going to see Jeremy before I leave. I'm positive I'll fail again. I'll be base and destructive and stupid and angry. After it's over, I'll regret the time spent with him and I'll always remorse what beautiful friendship we had. The best things always turn into the largest and stankiest cow-pies. I have a good memory for things like that and I don't forgive myself easily. I'm not even sure I like myself.

So what's the use? If life is pain, why would I keep enduring life? Giving up all that's associated with my life here in LA, I've got very little right now keeping me positive. Moving and packing, I'm alone all day everyday feeling worthless and unsuccessful and the feeling is deepening. I muse how deep it will get before I see the light again. How far down do I have yet to go this week before I change my life by moving to Utah? And then, as I asked before- what will that do to me?

I feel really alone tonight. But don't worry- I don't know the first thing about suicide. I think I'll just go to bed early and hope someone notices.

On a better note, I think I'm going to need to start seeing a therapist again. Maybe a physiatrist to work with me on getting better drugs for ADD. My last doctor said there is a component in Adderall that treats depression but he thinks I may need a different kind to deal with anxiety instead. Perhaps... it's the drugs that are making me feel this way. Maybe not.

I don't think so.