Dad's Attack

So my Dad had a heart attack on Saturday while I was at the Tea event in the south bay. My little sister called me in tears and told me she was at the hospital waiting for the doctors.

What she didn't know was that his heart stopped once in the ambulance. He had died for a moment until they brought him back with paddles. He said it felt he had just fallen asleep. After the surgery, he was in his bad and during the night I guess... he lost a lot of blood. He said the nurse cried "Sweet God!" when he hadn't even noticed the leak. It was all over the floor and walls he said. But they cleaned it up.

My step-mommy spent the night at the hospital in a chair. I talked to him on the phone this morning until he fell asleep. He's fine they say. He's fine, and I'm fine (even though I did start balling in the Carl's Jr. when I found out.) but.. I dunno. I'm ... not fine. My Dad is my best friend. and no one understand me better in the world. The week before, I was trying to resist calling him until I figured out what was wrong with me on my own. I called him just to hear his voice but he could tell something was wrong and I ended up telling him everything. All my frustrations regardless of whether I had previously determined that these  were things I didn't want him to know.

In the end he won on a few arguments. And I realized there isn't a damn thing I can do about Jeremy's additutde. Especially as long as I don't have the first clue as to what the problem is. I thought we were close, but I must have been wrong. So I stopped trying to talk to him during the day. As I could have guessed, he hasn't made the slightest effort to find out why. It's alright, really. Now I don't have to feel so abandoned everyday.

But when I heard about my Dad and I had finally composed myself enough to carry on socializing with the people I was with, all I wanted to do was see someone. Anything other than doing what I had planned on- heading up to a place I'd never been to go Go-Karting. it was distracting and fun in the end but at the same time... I kept thinking about when I could get out of there and see someone. I thought about driving out to see Phillip, but he would have been at work at that point. I wanted to call Jeremy, at least to see if he'd be willing to try being a shoulder I needed again.

But I didn't because I don't think I can handle the disappointment that would bring right now.

The only solace I have found is that I really don't want to go to the LA1st ward right now. So instead I went to the Huntingbeach ward and took a very very long silent drive home. I'm in my Pjs now and I should probably eat or call my mom (it being my favorite holiday ever- Mother's Day) But I think I'm going to just lay here for a while. And as much as I'd like to, I can't think of a non-attention-seeking way to update my status as thus so people understand stop asking why I seem out of it. It just doesn't seem right to let everyone in on that kind of serious bussiness. I don't want all the pity anyway. What am I supposed to say? No, I'm not fine. No, I don't need anything thanks.

Cynthia just brought me a toasted bun with butter. I'm going to eat it.